[0:00] The year
[0:03] is 2006.
[0:08] Bye-bye. Hello and welcome to my kitchen
[0:12] where it is 2006. The Xbox 360 just
[0:16] dropped in the seventh generation of
[0:18] gaming has officially begun. Ah, but
[0:21] when it comes to the previous
[0:23] generation, one company could easily be
[0:26] crowned as the titan of the industry,
[0:28] releasing hit after hit after hit. That
[0:31] company's name, Mad Cats Games. Just
[0:34] kidding. Rockstar Games. And their
[0:36] biggest hit, Grand Theft Auto San
[0:38] Andreas. A critically acclaimed boundary
[0:40] pushing cultural juggernaut that
[0:42] eventually became the bestselling PS2
[0:44] game of all time by like a lot. And then
[0:47] CJ was modded into every game ever made
[0:49] every time as well.
[0:52] >> All right.
[0:52] >> But San Andreas was also a magnet for
[0:55] controversy. Video game violence
[0:57] naysayers would be the least of
[0:59] Rockstar's concerns. Once a secret s
[1:03] I'm spelling it out because my small dog
[1:05] is in the kitchen right now. Miniame was
[1:07] found buried in the game's files known
[1:10] as the hot coffee mod. This shocking
[1:12] news caused the game's rating to be
[1:14] re-evaluated by the ESRB to AO, adults
[1:17] only. I'm spelling it out cuz my dog is
[1:19] afraid of adults, forcing stores to pull
[1:21] the game off shelves or keeping it, but
[1:23] with a slapped-on AO rating sticker. You
[1:25] can actually still find these online,
[1:27] but they are NOT CHEAP.
[1:30] Rockstar would patch this stuff out and
[1:31] quickly get an M-rated version back on
[1:33] store shelves, but the reputational
[1:35] damage was already done. Between the
[1:37] already controversial violence present
[1:40] in the GTA games, edgy releases like
[1:42] Manhunt, and now you're telling me
[1:44] there's an SSX tricky miniame, Rockstar
[1:47] was quickly becoming the coolest company
[1:50] in the world. At least according to
[1:51] Little Brothers Everywhere, Daily
[1:53] Magazine Global. Please let me watch you
[1:55] play. I'm going to need to see that
[1:57] game. I know you're saying it's not good
[1:59] for me, but I know it is. I know it's
[2:01] good for me, and I need it inside of me.
[2:02] I need it in my blood. I It's good for
[2:04] my livers. It's good for my eyes. So
[2:06] anyways, 2006, dawn of the seventh gen,
[2:08] and everyone is waiting with baited
[2:10] breath
[2:10] >> to see how Rockstar, notorious bad boy
[2:13] billionaire, is going to push the
[2:15] controversial boundary this time. Let's
[2:18] see.
[2:21] Okay,
[2:25] but
[2:27] Timothy Shal wasn't even born yet.
[2:36] I remember being a beautiful,
[2:39] precocious, gorgeous baby boy, waltzing
[2:42] into GameStop in the mall, seeing this
[2:44] game on display,
[2:46] and just waiting for some sort of
[2:48] punchline. Was Rockstar seriously making
[2:51] a rated E game about table tennis? To my
[2:54] knowledge, this is the only game ever
[2:55] developed by Rockstar to receive an E
[2:57] rating and one of only three games ever
[3:00] published by Rockstar to get an E.
[3:02] Accompanied, of course, by Monster Truck
[3:04] Madness 64 and Earthworm Gym 3D, also
[3:07] known as The Thinking Man's Blunt
[3:08] Rotation. Many people at the time
[3:10] theorized that table tennis was a joke,
[3:13] only made as a big FU to anyone who
[3:15] criticized Rockstar in their frequent
[3:17] reliance on all things controversial.
[3:20] Just listen to this quote from lead
[3:21] designer Benjamin Johnson regarding the
[3:23] game's reveal to the public.
[3:25] >> It was bizarre seeing people sit down
[3:27] and hold a controller and they're like
[3:29] they're waiting on somebody to run out
[3:31] from the crowd and mug me or mug one of
[3:34] the characters. I'm like, "No, dude.
[3:36] It's just a table tennis game. Chill the
[3:38] [ __ ] out."
[3:38] >> But years later in like 2012, pre-apoc
[3:41] apocalyptic events, obviously, I found
[3:43] this game in a bargain bin at Shopco,
[3:45] which yes, has a K in it. But unlike GTA
[3:48] or Shopco, table tennis does not have a
[3:50] K47
[3:52] anywhere to be seen or anything
[3:54] satirical or violent or controversial
[3:56] whatsoever. No flying cars cheat this
[3:59] time, Mom. Don't worry, the minivan is
[4:01] got all toes all toes down in the
[4:03] garage. You're okay. And once I actually
[4:05] played this game, I realized that maybe
[4:08] the punchline wasn't this game's
[4:09] existence, but that Rockstar was dead
[4:12] serious about making the best table
[4:14] tennis game this side of my kitchen has
[4:16] ever seen. Many at the time wrote off
[4:18] this $40 disc as a glorified tech demo
[4:21] for Rockstar's new Rockstar Advanced
[4:23] Game Engine, aka Rage, intrigued only by
[4:26] the concept of what a theoretical GTA in
[4:29] HD might look like. But Rockstar said,
[4:31] "No, no, no. This is not some half-ass
[4:34] demo. This is a fullon table tennis
[4:37] simulation with detailed ball physics
[4:40] and cloth physics and hair physics and
[4:42] some of the most impressive animations
[4:44] and models ever seen at the time that
[4:46] somehow still hold up 20 years later.
[4:48] All accompanied by supremely satisfying
[4:50] audio design and an incredible selection
[4:53] of like techno and house music that is
[4:55] all in service to put you into a peak
[4:57] rallyinduced flow state. Table Tennis
[4:59] was developed by Rockstar San Diego, who
[5:01] was really only known for the Midnight
[5:03] Club series, but would go on to make a
[5:05] little game called Red Dead Redemption.
[5:07] So, Table Tennis is really kind of the
[5:10] progenitor for all of Rockstar's biggest
[5:12] games. Oh, you love how beautifully
[5:14] rendered Arthur Morgan is as he emotes
[5:16] across the American frontier. Lu Ping
[5:18] slammed so that Arthur Morgan could ham
[5:20] it up and chinwag with every single
[5:23] person he meets. I talked to every
[5:25] single person in the video game world
[5:26] and not a lot of people in real life,
[5:28] you know? I told my therapist that one
[5:30] time and all he said was, "Chad, this is
[5:32] soing sad. Use code therapist for your
[5:35] first $500 deposit on gamble, gamble,
[5:38] gamble gamble gamble gamble gamble
[5:39] game. The title of this video is
[5:40] obviously a bit hyperbolic, but be
[5:42] honest with me for a second, Twitch
[5:43] chat. Have you ever played this game?
[5:45] Have you ever even heard of this game?
[5:48] Or are you per chance some sort of
[5:49] uncultured toad uh specimen? If the
[5:53] answer to any of those is no, or I guess
[5:56] yes, can I please teach you how to play
[5:58] this game so that someone other than me
[6:00] and my friend Cameron are playing it
[6:02] online? We literally only match with
[6:04] each other when we play online. Cuz yes,
[6:05] you could still play it online. Please
[6:07] play with us.
[6:09] Wait, why are you saying no? It's
[6:12] It's cuz the It's cuz the toad thing.
[6:14] It's cuz I literally called you a toad
[6:16] specimen like 5 seconds ago. That's on
[6:19] me and I hope to gain your trust back.
[6:24] Honestly, I I'm I'm a I'm a straight
[6:26] shooter. I call it like it is. I call
[6:28] you a toad specimen. You don't play the
[6:30] game with me. And I accept that. And I
[6:32] think honestly if we use code therapist,
[6:34] we can 10x skate
[6:37] is not this game. But it is a game I
[6:40] imagine a lot more of you have actually
[6:42] played. Well, you know how in skate the
[6:43] left stick controls your guy and the
[6:45] right stick controls your board? Table
[6:47] tennis is kind of like that except the
[6:48] board is your paddle. And well, you
[6:50] don't have a T-Mobile sidekick or P-
[6:52] rod, but you know what? You do have
[6:54] gratitude for your existence. The
[6:56] direction of the right stick will
[6:57] dictate the type of spin you apply to
[6:59] the ball. Uh the color correlating to
[7:00] the corresponding face buttons aby,
[7:03] which you can also use if you prefer to
[7:05] spell. Once the ball is heading your
[7:07] way, you can begin holding a direction
[7:09] to start charging the power of your
[7:11] shot. Once you begin charging, the left
[7:12] stick no longer controls your athlete,
[7:14] but controls the direction of the ball,
[7:17] both left to right and also distance
[7:19] from the net. As you are aiming the
[7:20] ball, the controller will begin to
[7:22] vibrate and will vibrate more violently
[7:24] the closer you are to the edge of the
[7:25] table or the net. As you successfully
[7:28] charge shots, your focus meter will
[7:29] begin to fill. Once full, you will
[7:31] automatically enter full focus mode,
[7:33] where your shots become faster and more
[7:35] accurate. You can also manually consume
[7:37] some of your bar by holding right bumper
[7:39] and doing a focus shot, which helps if
[7:41] you're trying to make a really desperate
[7:43] save, or if you just really want to slam
[7:45] that thing with a lot of accuracy and
[7:47] speed. Service starts quietly, but as
[7:49] the rally builds, the music fades in.
[7:52] And if both competitors reach max focus,
[7:55] the lights dim and the sounds begin to
[7:58] echo. This, my anonymous viewer, is
[8:01] Rockstar Table Tennis.
[8:13] The first time you successfully slam
[8:15] that ball to the edge of the table and
[8:17] make it spin off into the cosmos after a
[8:19] long rally, you will understand why this
[8:21] game is so beloved by those who have
[8:24] chosen to serve. But mostly just me and
[8:27] Cameron.
[8:29] Yeah, I just hacked into this video. You
[8:32] know how? because my client here wasn't
[8:34] using a VPN to protect his IP address.
[8:36] Hi, I'm Jakey. Jakey and Jinky,
[8:39] Attorneys at Law. Thank you to NordVPN
[8:41] for collaborating on this video. The
[8:43] internet is a scary, freaky place, and
[8:45] your IP address shouldn't just be
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[8:53] IP's sheath. Using NordVPN to hide your
[8:56] IP address helps protect against
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[9:05] Do not flood my packets. I do not like
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[9:53] let's get back to the worldwide uh debut
[9:56] of the featurelength film Jardy [ __ ]
[9:59] Many reviewers at the time, even those
[10:01] who loved the gameplay, criticized the
[10:03] game for a lack of content given the $40
[10:05] price tag. And honestly, I think that's
[10:07] pretty fair. You can do exhibition
[10:09] matches. You can do tournaments of
[10:11] varying difficulty. You could play
[10:13] online when people were actually
[10:14] playing. Please play with me. That's it.
[10:17] Much like me, struggling to maintain eye
[10:19] contact with the barista as I order my
[10:21] coffee, table tennis does one thing, but
[10:24] it does that one thing exceptionally
[10:26] well.
[10:28] Every time without fail. Table tennis
[10:31] was eventually ported to the Wii as
[10:32] well, which I know sounds great in
[10:34] theory, but I think it practically loses
[10:37] everything that makes this game so
[10:39] special and unique. With the default
[10:40] control scheme, your movement is
[10:42] automated. And because the regular Wii
[10:44] remote motion sensing isn't very
[10:47] advanced, you flick in the general
[10:49] direction of the table you want the ball
[10:51] to go in, but you control the spin by
[10:53] holding a direction on the D-pad. You
[10:55] can connect a nunchuk to control your
[10:57] athlete and guide your shots, but like
[10:59] at that point, why would you opt to
[11:01] shake plastic and look at ugly graphics
[11:04] when the 360 version is literally right
[11:06] there? I can literally see it. It's like
[11:08] peeking around the corner like it's
[11:09] doing some sort of stealth mission. Why
[11:11] is Why is it set up like that? In an age
[11:13] where so many games are trying to have
[11:15] hundreds of hours of bloated gameplay
[11:17] and every possible mechanic thrown into
[11:19] the kitchen sink. Shout out to my
[11:21] kitchen sink. Often resulting in just
[11:23] being kind of like a jack of all trades
[11:24] situation. Yes, I am referring to
[11:26] Crimson Desert, which I will probably be
[11:28] making a video about on my second
[11:30] channel, Ball Creative. If you don't
[11:31] know, we're over there. We're doing
[11:32] unscripted reviews. We're doing live
[11:34] streams. Please stop by. Please clap.
[11:37] It's really refreshing to return to
[11:38] something so simple yet instantly
[11:41] engaging. It's a type of sports game
[11:42] that is unfortunately super uncommon
[11:45] nowadays with these copypaste
[11:46] microtransaction milk you for every
[11:49] penny inside of your body annual
[11:51] franchises. It's a game made with sauce.
[11:55] The way the replays look, the little
[11:58] emotes and unique personalities of each
[12:00] character, the way the game slows down
[12:03] cinematically for the focus shots, the
[12:05] way that back sweat slowly accumulates
[12:07] after intense rallies or me when I'm
[12:09] recording a video in a small hot room. I
[12:11] mean, for Chris sakes, the manual has a
[12:14] history of table tennis in it along with
[12:16] expanded details on every character's
[12:18] strengths and weaknesses. Just imagine
[12:20] if another revered AAA developer made a
[12:23] conventional sports game. Like imagine
[12:25] if Naughty Dog's next big game was a
[12:27] basketball simulation, but it had all
[12:29] the same production value and acting and
[12:31] writing that they're known for and like
[12:33] an actually good story in its campaign.
[12:36] I would be over the moon to play a
[12:38] sports game like that. Another thing
[12:39] about Table Tennis that I failed to
[12:40] mention yet is that it gets pretty damn
[12:43] hard. Like back when I used to play this
[12:45] game in high school, I could sometimes
[12:47] beat the CPU on hard difficulty, but
[12:49] expert, hell no, dude. These freaks are
[12:52] streamers. But this time, I'm not a
[12:55] 17-year-old with back zits and a
[12:58] beautiful smile and the heart of a
[12:59] gentle hustler. I'm a 31-year-old with
[13:02] back sits and a beautiful smile in the
[13:04] heart of a gentle hustler. And I am
[13:06] determined to beat this game on expert.
[13:09] This isn't just a video about Rockstar
[13:11] table tennis. This is a video about me
[13:14] trying to beat Rockstar table tennis.
[13:20] Tournaments are very arcadey and that
[13:21] you have to win two games to 11, but
[13:23] even if you lose, you can just rematch
[13:25] that same opponent like hitting a
[13:27] continue in Street Fighter. In order to
[13:29] play expert, I first had to complete the
[13:31] hard tournament. My athlete of choice,
[13:33] Yesper, is a gorgeously tall Swedish man
[13:35] with a wide reach and the highest power
[13:37] rating in the game. Remind you of anyone
[13:39] you know? Yesper's other stats are all
[13:41] pretty much ass, but his primary
[13:43] strength is his forehand top spin slams.
[13:46] So, this basically means my tactic most
[13:48] of the time is to just hit the ball as
[13:50] hard as I possibly can. I breeze through
[13:53] the first few opponents, experiencing
[13:54] some really fun rallies along the way.
[14:10] This game is so good. But my first real
[14:13] hurdle was Slayan. Oh my god, his
[14:16] backhand top spin is so crazy. His
[14:19] serves are diabolical and his reactions
[14:21] were so much faster than anything else I
[14:24] had experienced.
[14:26] Oh my god, he's so fast. It was
[14:28] abundantly clear at this point that my
[14:30] power level was nowhere near expert and
[14:33] I needed all the help I could get.
[14:34] Unfortunately, because apparently nobody
[14:36] plays this game anymore, my resources
[14:38] were pretty slim. But I did happen to
[14:40] find an extremely comprehensive guide on
[14:43] a familiar website. Where's our table
[14:45] tennis general hints and tennis? True
[14:49] true achievements.com.
[14:51] >> Trueievements.com.
[14:54] >> True achievements.com. Even when I was
[14:56] down, True Achievements picked me right
[14:59] back up. When I had no one else, TA was
[15:01] there. Dude, I might love TA. I might
[15:03] get TA tatted on my [ __ ] This detailed
[15:05] guide not only broke down every
[15:07] character, but exposed me to something
[15:08] that my brittle, inexperienced,
[15:11] juvenile gamer brain had had never even
[15:14] thought about. Serving an ace. How to
[15:17] serve an ace. Yesper. Standard position.
[15:20] Four/5 steps on the right. One/2 steps
[15:24] back. Load the black bar to when it hits
[15:26] the max for the third time. Up down. Up
[15:28] down. Up down. One, two, three, four.
[15:32] One two.
[15:34] Aim to the left.
[15:37] Okay, it wasn't quite max charge.
[15:44] No,
[15:45] >> I did feel somewhat conflicted about
[15:47] using this exploit, but also this kind
[15:49] of reminded me of the first time I
[15:50] played Dark Souls where I was just like,
[15:52] listen, man, I'm taking whatever help I
[15:55] can get. I'm using the best weapons. I'm
[15:56] duping Souls. We can leave the gamer
[15:58] pride for the other runs. I just want to
[16:00] get to the end of this thing. However,
[16:01] at least with Yesper, the service ace
[16:03] didn't always work against every
[16:06] opponent every time. Such as Kumi, who
[16:08] was sometimes able to hit it back, so I
[16:10] had to stay on my sweetest toes. I had a
[16:12] nice comeback during a close first game,
[16:14] but then I did this.
[16:43] Yes sir.
[16:44] >> Followed by a stomp in game two with
[16:46] this psycho finishing blow.
[16:52] >> Sweden takes the match. Young Su
[16:54] couldn't handle the ace. Jurgen wasn't
[16:56] much different. Hard tournament
[16:58] completed largely due to the help of
[17:00] sensei trueachchievements.com.
[17:02] But now it was time for the main event.
[17:04] I faced Lu Ping first which meant he was
[17:06] way easier and the ace worked and I just
[17:09] destroyed him. Haley was next and got
[17:11] completely destroyed as well as did
[17:13] Luke. And then I was thinking like man
[17:16] maybe this isn't going to be so bad
[17:17] after all. Even Sleman, my rival in the
[17:20] hard tournament, was surprisingly easy
[17:22] on expert in large part due to the A
[17:24] serve actually consistently working. But
[17:26] I was also consistently working him even
[17:29] during his serves. I was growing
[17:32] stronger, more resilient. My gamer body
[17:36] was becoming one with the table.
[17:42] All
[18:11] right. I got to tell you something,
[18:13] Daddy. All right? It's not intended to
[18:15] be me. I have a purpose. You don't. And
[18:19] if you think that's some sort of
[18:20] blessing, it's not. It puts me at a huge
[18:21] life disadvantage. It means I have an
[18:23] obligation to see a very specific thing
[18:25] through. And with that obligation comes
[18:26] sacrifice. Okay? My life is the product
[18:29] of all of the choices I've had to make.
[18:31] Your life is the product. I don't even
[18:32] know what your life is the product of.
[18:33] You're just kind of making it up as you
[18:34] go along because that's the kind of dog
[18:35] you are. That's not the kind of person I
[18:37] am. Okay. Carmen got freaking
[18:39] annihilated 11 to1 twice. Two times in a
[18:43] row. RETIRE. RETIRE. RETIRE. RETIRE.
[18:45] CASSIDY. BRO, are you guys sure you're
[18:48] experts? Young Su was more of what I
[18:51] expected. He beat my giant Swedish ass
[18:53] into the ground two games in a row.
[18:55] Young Su required such a specific spot
[18:57] on the serve meter for the ace to work
[18:59] that after many failed attempts, I
[19:01] eventually just gave up on doing it and
[19:02] decided to beat him the oldfashioned
[19:04] way. using my most valuable asset, my
[19:07] gaming mind.
[19:17] Nice. Game two required a crazy
[19:19] comeback, and brother, I aimed to meet
[19:22] the PC requirements to run this
[19:24] comeback. This was by far the most
[19:27] intense game of table tennis I had
[19:29] played up until this point.
[19:59] Let's go. Allow me to introduce you to
[20:02] Mark, the second to last boss in the
[20:05] expert tournament. That may as well have
[20:06] been the final boss. The ace serve just
[20:09] straight up does not work on Mark, no
[20:11] matter what you do. But you know what
[20:12] does work? Me. Except not really,
[20:15] because I threw the first game by
[20:16] hitting it into the net and had to
[20:18] immediately drogue to diffuse my
[20:20] burning intense fiery passionate
[20:22] gamer rage. Game two went to OT and I
[20:25] pushed that tiny white ball to the
[20:27] absolute freaking edges of the earth.
[20:44] Game three was like when Trunks
[20:46] teleported out of nowhere and just cut
[20:48] Frieza in half. I was operating on a
[20:50] higher plane of existence. I knew what
[20:52] Mark was going to do before he even did.
[20:55] I was becoming a fully sentient table
[20:58] tennis warrior.
[21:17] Let's go. Jurgen, the final boss.
[21:20] Everything led me to this moment. And I
[21:23] took game one very quickly because the
[21:25] ace serve worked without fail and it
[21:26] felt very antilimactic. So I says to
[21:29] myself, I says, "You know what? No, I do
[21:32] have gamer pride." And that sounds like
[21:34] something racist, but that's not what I
[21:35] mean. I got to do this without using the
[21:38] power invested in true achievements.com.
[21:40] I got to do this using the greatest
[21:42] resource of all, combining my gamer
[21:45] hands with my gamer mind, and using my
[21:48] gamer heart. Game two, unfortunately,
[21:50] was Jurgen City because my safety
[21:52] blanket of the ace serve was no longer
[21:54] there and I needed to adapt fast. My
[21:57] blade was sharp, but his steel was
[22:00] sharper, more agile, more rare jewels
[22:03] encrusted into the handle. But my gamer
[22:05] heart was resilient. And everybody knows
[22:08] when gamers are down, say it with me,
[22:10] chat, they don't stay down. Horses don't
[22:13] stop. And I don't stop either.
[22:50] match point. I had run away with a hefty
[22:53] lead. A lead that unfortunately was
[22:56] starting to slip through my hands.
[23:11] I just needed to lock in. I needed my
[23:14] gamer heart to work in perfect harmony
[23:16] with my gamer vessel, my beautiful,
[23:18] brave warrior, Yesper. I needed us to
[23:20] connect like when the tails infuse when
[23:23] they're doing it in Avatar. But could I
[23:25] do it?
[23:37] >> Sweden wins the match.
[23:46] >> I had done it. I had conquered a beast.
[23:49] that 17-year-old me couldn't even dream
[23:51] of. 17-year-old me could barely read the
[23:53] name tags. And to celebrate, I played
[23:55] online with the only other living
[23:57] competitor still playing this game, my
[24:00] friend Cameron. And we had an absolute
[24:02] blast. Which brings me to the whole
[24:04] inspiration for making this video.
[24:07] Please play with us. On April 18th,
[24:10] which is tomorrow if you're watching
[24:11] this video the day it came out, and May
[24:13] 2nd, I will be playing this game from 1
[24:16] to 5:00 p.m. roughly, EST, and live
[24:20] streaming it on the Ball Creative second
[24:22] channel. If you go to player match and
[24:24] choose time tournament, you will very
[24:26] likely be able to join one of the eight
[24:28] player lobbies that I will be running
[24:30] where it's a roundroin tournament, I
[24:32] think, to like games of five. But even
[24:34] if you can't join, you should be able to
[24:35] spectate because that's a thing. I don't
[24:37] know. I haven't been able to test it cuz
[24:39] no one's playing. Apparently, there's
[24:40] voice chat if you have an Xbox headset.
[24:42] That is likely going to be really
[24:44] problematic, but probably really funny.
[24:46] I'm going to try to get my headset
[24:47] working for that. So, please play with
[24:50] us if you want if you can. I'm pretty
[24:52] sure it's really cheap on the store.
[24:54] Thank you so much for watching my video.
[24:56] I love to make a video like this. I am
[24:58] having fun this year. I making more
[25:01] stuff more often. We are not existential
[25:03] crisising anymore. Anyways, I hope to
[25:06] see you over on Ball Creative for the
[25:07] table tennis tournaments and I hope that
[25:09] you're springing into spring and that
[25:11] you are filled with gratitude and love
[25:12] in your heart. Be well. Uh, farewell
[25:15] from 2006.