[0:10] The stars are gone.
[0:12] >> Trying to make a movie with no stars.
[0:13] Also, before you get started with your
[0:15] extensive knowledge of the game lore,
[0:17] this is cinema sense, not video game
[0:18] sense. Though based on my notes, I'm
[0:20] probably going to criticize both. Also,
[0:22] also jumping right into your movies
[0:23] without giving us at least a few seconds
[0:25] of opening logo foreplay. The opening
[0:27] logos are the most important part of
[0:28] easing into the movie experience. Sh a
[0:31] >> There were barely enough of us left to
[0:33] give the end a name? The quiet rapture.
[0:36] >> So, you're telling me humanity was
[0:38] staring down the barrel of extinction
[0:39] and landed on the name of an indie folk
[0:41] album? Also, naming something doesn't
[0:43] require a large population. In fact, the
[0:44] fewer survivors there are, the easier it
[0:46] should be to agree on a name. Also,
[0:48] also, humanity watched stars disappear
[0:50] across the cosmos and concluded the
[0:52] event was quiet, even though anyone who
[0:54] would have heard anything didn't
[0:55] survive. Maybe it made a weird fart
[0:56] noise. You don't know. Supplies dwindle,
[0:59] infrastructure crumbles.
[1:01] >> Sci-fi not knowing how to do any kind of
[1:03] future other than dystopia, despite
[1:05] millennia of evidence that on a large
[1:06] scale, things continue to get more
[1:08] prosperous over time, not worse. Also,
[1:10] who is this guy and why am I listening
[1:12] to his particularly pessimistic
[1:13] economics podcast?
[1:15] >> Too few to rebuild, too many to feed.
[1:17] >> This unexpected indictment of
[1:19] construction workers and how much they
[1:20] eat for lunch.
[1:21] >> Humanity decays, but don't despair, my
[1:24] sons. having a long list of desparing
[1:27] remarks followed by an instruction not
[1:28] to despair. This is just like that time
[1:30] my sports ball coach told me how only an
[1:33] infant decimal percentage of players
[1:34] make a living off of the sport and then
[1:36] thought that would encourage me to try
[1:38] harder instead of actually encouraging
[1:39] me to [ __ ] off to AV club and work on my
[1:41] 40-year-old virgin suicides mashup.
[1:43] >> The consolidation. They hide their
[1:46] technology, their people. They won't
[1:49] tell you what they found, but I will,
[1:52] >> said like a man not about to immediately
[1:54] [ __ ] off, presumably to AV Club after
[1:56] answering about 1% of my questions.
[1:58] >> An ocean of blood.
[2:00] >> Elizabeth Holmes letting her fanfiction
[2:02] get out of hand for a second time
[2:03] somehow makes it into the script. Also,
[2:05] horror has a long tradition of somebody
[2:07] thinking of an upsetting image first,
[2:09] worrying about the social implications
[2:11] of the thought, and only then figuring
[2:12] out how to call it art. At some point,
[2:14] someone said, "What if there was an
[2:15] ocean of blood?" And thank God instead
[2:17] of working out the astronomical math on
[2:19] the real thing, they worked out a budget
[2:21] in a screenplay. And since the nerds
[2:23] would have preferred game script, I'll
[2:24] add a separate sin for them. The classic
[2:26] storytelling technique of rubbing your
[2:28] thing until the audience notices it.
[2:30] >> Beginning the descent.
[2:31] >> Suggesting another movie to start while
[2:32] waiting for this movie to get beyond its
[2:35] porn and actually do something. It's
[2:36] been 2 minutes already. I'm tired. Simon
[2:38] having his hood on inside the sub like
[2:40] any mystery man with chilly ears who
[2:42] needs to remain mysterious and cozy, but
[2:44] mostly mysterious. I'm seeing some
[2:45] voltage irregularities on the
[2:47] instrument, so keep an eye out for
[2:48] sparks or flames.
[2:49] >> No, not the voltage irregularities. Is
[2:51] there no god?
[2:52] >> Flames? Why would there be flames?
[2:54] >> Because of the voltage irregularities,
[2:56] dumbass. Pay attention.
[2:57] >> You did test this thing, right?
[2:58] >> This is the test.
[2:59] >> Taking your operating procedural cues
[3:01] from Ocean Gate.
[3:02] >> Hey, Captain. Uh, the hole starting to
[3:04] feel it. That glass.
[3:05] >> All right. Closing port hole shielding.
[3:07] >> This port hole exists despite providing
[3:09] almost no visibility once the vehicle is
[3:11] submerged in blood. But the story will
[3:13] eventually need a structural weakness to
[3:14] exploit. So outstanding work, window,
[3:16] >> all we have are surface scans. That's
[3:18] why you're there. Well, one of the
[3:21] reasons.
[3:21] >> We get a casual reveal that there's
[3:23] another reason he's on this mission,
[3:24] which should immediately become the most
[3:25] important part of the conversation.
[3:27] Instead, both of them decide they've
[3:28] learned enough for today.
[3:29] >> Uh, hey, you said not to go into the
[3:31] red. WE'RE IN THE RED.
[3:33] >> DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?
[3:35] >> YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS. You can't be
[3:36] serious. You can't be serious.
[3:38] >> Excitement. entire planets disappear and
[3:40] somehow the distribution statement
[3:41] survives. Bureaucracy remains Earth's
[3:43] most resilient life form.
[3:45] He's now reading the Hem Rover manual,
[3:47] which literally translates to Blood
[3:49] Rover. And I swear if this is just a
[3:51] gritty reboot of Inner Space, I'm going
[3:52] to be actually that sounds awesome. I
[3:54] guess now if it isn't a gritty reboot of
[3:56] Inner Space, I'm going to be pissed.
[3:57] Video game Have Big Button. Movie Have
[3:59] Big Button. Me understand adaptation but
[4:01] not Fire. Also, in terms of titling, I
[4:04] like big buttons and I cannot lie, I
[4:06] would have been far more sprung
[4:07] >> camera. That's useful.
[4:09] >> Simon is discovering the submersible's
[4:10] basic features in real time, which
[4:12] suggests nobody thought it was worth
[4:13] training the operator before launching a
[4:15] supposedly critical mission. An
[4:16] interesting philosophy for an
[4:18] organization that will keep insisting
[4:19] failure isn't an option. Also, this
[4:21] entire opening plays so much like the
[4:23] video game cutscene into gameplay that I
[4:25] went and grabbed my PlayStation
[4:26] controller out of habit. And now I'm
[4:27] just frustrated that I can't make this
[4:29] dude wander around aimlessly looking at
[4:30] the walls for hidden clues and YouTube
[4:32] celebrity face texture mapping cheat
[4:34] codes.
[4:34] >> Okay, one down, five to go. Photographic
[4:38] fetch quests feel much more tedious in
[4:40] live action than they even do in the
[4:41] video games they come from.
[4:42] >> Oxygen
[4:43] >> ticking clock has disguised itself as
[4:44] life support cliche. The way this blood
[4:47] sub sweats is way too reminiscent of my
[4:49] older brother's saliva when he used to
[4:50] pin me down and hang it over my face as
[4:52] torture. What can I say? The world was a
[4:53] very strange place before the internet,
[4:55] guys. Okay, I think I may already be
[4:57] tired of being in this sub. And we're
[4:58] not even 10 minutes into the movie.
[4:59] Movie prematurely assumes I would have
[5:01] sinned this scene simply for its weird
[5:03] ass tubes, demonstrating a complete
[5:05] ignorance of the evolution of cinema
[5:06] sins.
[5:07] >> You're not just pretending you can't
[5:08] hear me, right?
[5:08] >> Sorry, I was just dozing off. It's been
[5:10] 2 minutes since you've said anything and
[5:12] I put my controller down because it
[5:13] wasn't working. I'll try to stay engaged
[5:15] and pay more attention to the genius
[5:16] atmosphere work from now on. I promise.
[5:18] >> Why is it so hot down there?
[5:20] >> My balls. Every July, every time a dude
[5:22] looks at something gross in a movie for
[5:24] over 10 seconds before then frantically
[5:25] removing it, I think of that time in the
[5:27] XFiles where Moulder had goo drip on him
[5:29] and turned to Scully and said, "What's
[5:30] the fastest way I can get this off me
[5:32] without betraying my cool exterior?" And
[5:34] I smile as if there's some sort of
[5:35] cinematic delay on the human instinct to
[5:37] wipe stuff off our hands immediately.
[5:39] Ah, good times. Anyway, are we still in
[5:41] a tiny sub with a monosotic protagonist
[5:43] who speaks a word or two every 3 minutes
[5:45] while going around taking blurry photos
[5:47] of things while the sub drips? Cool.
[5:48] Carry on then. This terrible cord hose
[5:50] maintenance on what is otherwise clearly
[5:52] a very well-ared for and maintained
[5:54] plasma mobile. The camera remains
[5:56] stationary while Simon gets thrown
[5:57] around the sub, which accidentally
[5:59] transforms a fight with an alien outside
[6:01] the sub into a fight with a ghost inside
[6:03] the sub.
[6:05] Or Markiplier clearly went to the Star
[6:07] Trek acting school of flying around the
[6:09] room as the camera slightly shakes
[6:10] things.
[6:11] >> Did you fall?
[6:13] >> Uh, did I? I don't know.
[6:15] >> Laying on the ground and not being sure
[6:17] if you fell or not. She didn't ask why
[6:18] you fell. She asked if you fell. You
[6:20] did.
[6:21] >> You didn't TELL ME THAT THERE WOULD BE
[6:22] ANYTHING DOWN HERE.
[6:23] >> ASSUMING THAT YOU WERE BEING SENT ON A
[6:24] MISSION to discover things that weren't
[6:26] down there.
[6:27] >> Um um it seems fine.
[6:29] >> It does not. Also, seems fine being my
[6:32] initial reaction to the movie and
[6:33] somehow making it into the script.
[6:34] >> The bottom isn't exactly rock,
[6:36] >> but I thought you just said you were
[6:37] deciding if you should send him back
[6:39] down. My semantic alarms are firing on
[6:41] all cylinders about how this would work
[6:42] if he's already on the bottom of the
[6:44] sangu seat. Convict, are you absolutely
[6:47] sure that it was a skeleton?
[6:49] >> Asking the person who isn't currently
[6:50] looking at the picture for clarity about
[6:52] the picture you are currently looking
[6:53] at.
[6:53] >> How stupid do you think I am?
[6:55] >> Very.
[6:55] >> We're pulling you up. Stand by.
[6:57] >> And they will pull them up and they will
[6:58] show us all of it in real time from
[6:59] inside the sub. Riveting. Using a fabric
[7:02] glove to wipe the port hole window
[7:03] instead of a blood squeegee. What? You
[7:05] don't have any blood squeegees? Quick,
[7:06] there's a void in the market space.
[7:08] Contact private equity. The captain has
[7:10] a large facial scar, which tells me
[7:11] she's experienced, much like a resume.
[7:13] If resumes were applied directly to the
[7:15] face,
[7:15] >> you just warn the next person that goes
[7:17] down what I found. There's something
[7:18] alive down there.
[7:19] >> My advice to my college ex-girlfriend
[7:20] after she dumped me somehow makes it
[7:22] into the script.
[7:23] >> I want to be sure he doesn't need more
[7:24] air before he goes back down.
[7:27] >> I'll worry about that.
[7:28] >> But captain, the issue is that the
[7:29] script has you not being worried about
[7:31] it. And for the sake of the mission, I'm
[7:32] worried that it doesn't make any sense.
[7:35] >> Every space civilization eventually
[7:37] develops a council, but somehow never a
[7:38] board of odor evaluation. Just seems odd
[7:40] to me.
[7:41] >> We're going to put this on the sub.
[7:43] right up front
[7:43] >> being in a time crunch and still holding
[7:45] the thing you are going to put on the
[7:46] sub when you've had plenty of time to
[7:48] start installing it already. And yes, I
[7:50] know you mentioned something about Jack
[7:51] needing to get there to do the welding,
[7:52] but I'm still not sure why this wasn't
[7:54] just installed as part of the ship in
[7:55] the first place if you had it ready to
[7:57] go.
[7:57] >> All you got to do is point it in the
[7:58] right direction. Once it makes contact,
[8:00] it should be able to grab onto something
[8:02] and hold on tight.
[8:03] >> Nature documentary narration about cat
[8:05] penises managed to interrupt the film.
[8:07] >> You can't be serious.
[8:08] >> Thinking making you can't be serious
[8:09] your catchphrase is A GOOD IDEA? WHY
[8:11] DON'T YOU JUST DO IT YOURSELF?
[8:13] >> THIS IS THE BEST we have, and it's a lot
[8:15] more than you deserve.
[8:16] >> Will we ever find out the heinous things
[8:18] this man did to be sent down as an
[8:19] indentured globonaut? And more
[8:21] importantly, do we care?
[8:22] >> I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS WAS VOLUNTARY.
[8:24] >> TECHNICALLY, YOU DID VOLUNTEER. THE
[8:25] mission may have been coercive, but the
[8:27] paperwork appears to be in order.
[8:28] >> Black us with radiation, you psychoan.
[8:31] >> What?
[8:32] >> It's not a normal camera. You can't see
[8:34] through blood, so you need x-rays to get
[8:37] through. installing a radioactive X-ray
[8:39] camera with a giant rectangular button
[8:41] on the wall with no surface disabling
[8:43] safety measures. Sure, he meant to push
[8:44] it, but that could have happened just as
[8:45] easily if he stepped on a discarded
[8:47] banana peel. Also, this entire radiation
[8:49] incident exists because the movie
[8:50] suddenly remembered it should explain
[8:52] how the camera works.
[8:53] >> But maybe if you would TALK TO ME, THIS
[8:54] WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.
[8:55] >> TALKING IS GOOD, but protocols are
[8:57] better. Movie expects me to believe OSHA
[8:58] didn't survive the quiet rapture. And I
[9:00] did not believe you. Movie
[9:01] >> drop him.
[9:02] >> And they do drop him. And it's yet
[9:04] another example of style dictating the
[9:05] script more than the motivations of
[9:07] people actually trying to survive. Also,
[9:08] no, that's not how immediate freef fall
[9:10] works. Both the sub and its contents
[9:12] would fall at a similar enough rate that
[9:14] there would be little to no
[9:15] anti-gravitational effect that quickly
[9:17] unless he jumped right as they dropped
[9:19] him, or unless they used a propulsive
[9:20] force in launching the sub back down to
[9:22] the water, which seems about as wasteful
[9:24] as not acting on that blood squeegee tip
[9:26] I gave you earlier.
[9:27] >> Convict, this is serious. Close the
[9:29] shield. This company sure does like to
[9:31] leave the important stuff in the hands
[9:32] of their convict slave labor, don't
[9:34] they?
[9:34] >> Why can't you do it? It's not
[9:36] responding.
[9:36] >> Oh, look who woke up and is trying to be
[9:38] excellent at thwarting cinema sins.
[9:40] Sucks for you that it's still sinful
[9:41] that you didn't try to make sure this
[9:43] was done before you launched him again.
[9:44] >> That shouldn't have happened at all. The
[9:46] the camera's wired into the black box,
[9:47] but I I must have wired it into the back
[9:50] of
[9:51] >> Okay, now I feel like we're in an actual
[9:52] conversation. You know, you can focus on
[9:54] the movie instead of replying to my
[9:55] sins, right? Besides, the explanations
[9:57] are never satisfactory and forever
[9:58] convenient anyway. I'm a master at
[10:00] sussing out overexlaining excuses. Have
[10:02] you met my college ex-girlfriend?
[10:03] >> Things are somehow faster when I don't
[10:05] know what I'm doing.
[10:06] >> Virgins say if I were in charge, you
[10:08] would know more. I'd actually get us
[10:09] some results, but I'm not. I'm just a
[10:11] cogen machine.
[10:12] >> Humanity is apparently one bad week away
[10:14] from extinction. Yet still committed to
[10:16] withholding useful information because
[10:17] the org chart says so. Remarkable faith
[10:19] and process.
[10:20] >> Still fooly by Eden's [ __ ] All
[10:23] their dog about the last tree.
[10:26] >> It's not about the tree. The movie
[10:27] introduces a mysterious religion
[10:29] centered around the last tree and
[10:30] immediately informs me the tree isn't
[10:32] the important part. Could it be about
[10:33] the tree for like 5 minutes so I could
[10:35] understand the world?
[10:36] >> That usually something we can agree on.
[10:38] >> The comment section for our Madam Web
[10:40] video.
[10:41] >> Can you at least tell me if this thing
[10:42] is blasting me with Ricky?
[10:43] >> No, the hole is thick enough.
[10:45] >> Thus begins horror's favorite game of is
[10:47] the spooky presence actually there?
[10:49] >> Could be alive down there right now.
[10:51] Food. Air. We need this. Humanity is
[10:53] desperately searching for biological
[10:55] resources while floating in an ocean of
[10:56] biological resources. Feels like we
[10:58] should have been privy to at least one
[11:00] meeting about the blood.
[11:03] Releasing radiation into the universe
[11:05] just to light the corner of your sub
[11:06] asylum. Simon finds a pendant from a
[11:09] previous pilot, which gives the movie
[11:10] another character to think about because
[11:12] one guy and a chair is still one guy in
[11:14] a chair levels of exciting. Also, it's
[11:16] so dark. I must assume this is a
[11:17] mosquito trapped in amber from Jurassic
[11:19] Park.
[11:21] Releasing radiation into the universe
[11:23] just to read a three-word note when the
[11:24] glow of the giant camera button probably
[11:26] would have done the trick. Doing what a
[11:28] random piece of paper tells you to do,
[11:29] despite the well-known warnings of Dr.
[11:31] Egon Spangler. I love how the presence
[11:33] of this miniame puzzle and the computer
[11:35] firing up for you is enough to
[11:36] completely erase the trauma of the fact
[11:38] that a few seconds ago you saw a
[11:39] freaking subhost.
[11:40] >> This is not an expedition, it's an
[11:43] execution. So far, it's doing a terrible
[11:45] job of both.
[11:46] >> And even if you do, and even if they
[11:48] keep their promises, what freedom waits
[11:51] for you? A few dying ships in a sea of
[11:55] dead stars.
[11:56] >> Being a deep space Debbie Downer. Also,
[11:59] Simon finds a computer with a message
[12:00] recorded on it. And instead of
[12:01] immediately and intently exploring the
[12:03] computer for more clues, he just
[12:04] casually listens to the message like
[12:06] he's taking in an audiobook on a summer
[12:08] drive. Who's
[12:08] >> right here? Being surprised that
[12:10] something in a fluidly dynamic situation
[12:11] has moved positions since you saw it 20
[12:13] minutes ago and or not thinking that it
[12:15] could have been alive and swam away
[12:16] based on your new knowledge that your
[12:18] pictures are X-rays.
[12:19] >> Where'd you go?
[12:20] >> Talking to the blood flood skeletons you
[12:22] took a picture of a while back. Even
[12:23] though even if they were there, they
[12:25] couldn't hear you because you're
[12:26] whispering from the other side of solid
[12:27] material. A redacted fire suppression
[12:29] procedure is diabolical. The movie keeps
[12:32] referring to this submarine as a rover,
[12:33] which is creating a mystery that I don't
[12:35] think was supposed to be a mystery. I'm
[12:36] not sure that water moving slowly down
[12:38] rusted metal is as creepy as this movie
[12:40] thinks it is. I see that kind of happen
[12:41] on my bumper every time it rains.
[12:44] >> Well, this is going to sound made up.
[12:45] >> This whole movie does indeed sound made
[12:47] up.
[12:48] >> No, it's just more Hill.
[12:50] >> These movies really need to stop having
[12:51] their communications hardware set up by
[12:53] horror movie tension cliches RS.
[12:55] >> Stay focused and get this temple.
[12:57] >> Sure.
[12:58] >> Trying to give off Keo Reeves energy in
[12:59] your first movie whilst not being Keo
[13:01] Reeves. There is too much at stake not
[13:04] to take calculated risks. Eden doesn't
[13:06] understand that. You don't understand
[13:09] that.
[13:09] >> I also don't understand that. Smoothie
[13:11] is about to make me beg for at least
[13:12] some softcore expositioning. And I do
[13:14] not like who it's turning me into.
[13:16] >> Is that why you destroyed Filament
[13:18] Station?
[13:18] >> That wasn't supposed to happen.
[13:21] >> Softcore expositioning.
[13:22] >> You can apologize to my tumors.
[13:24] >> It's not a tumor.
[13:25] >> Just ram it.
[13:27] >> Just ram it.
[13:27] >> Just ram it. Get the job done. Script
[13:30] recognizes that my college girlfriend
[13:32] may have been blunt, but she did have
[13:33] John Wick's focus.
[13:34] >> And then I'm free.
[13:35] >> Then you come back up.
[13:36] >> And then I'm free.
[13:37] >> Prioritizing your self narrative at the
[13:39] expense of the obvious reality that has
[13:41] been clearly stated to you.
[13:42] >> Is that it? With all the buildup, I
[13:44] thought there might be something a bit
[13:45] more calamitous.
[13:46] >> Do you get it? He's speaking for the
[13:47] audience who knows something's about to
[13:49] go down. And this is all a false tension
[13:50] release. So the movie uses meta
[13:52] commentary as a way to hang a lantern on
[13:54] its own sins. Do you get it?
[13:57] The end. Well, at least the end of the
[13:59] part of the movie without easy
[14:00] conspiracy theories about dead
[14:01] characters, hallucinations, or CO2
[14:03] delusions. But if you think that's going
[14:04] to stop us from sinning, what might all
[14:06] be non-existent events, you might be
[14:08] experiencing one of those things
[14:09] yourself. I mean, hopefully not the
[14:11] first one, but still. Close-up of a
[14:13] character's opening eye as they awaken
[14:14] to a new reality where there is a
[14:16] reflection of giant blood ocean X-ray
[14:18] button that reminds me suspiciously of
[14:19] those glowing USB ports on some planes
[14:22] cliche. As Simon continues to use his
[14:24] camera for ambient light, I have to ask,
[14:25] can this thing take an unlimited amount
[14:27] of X-rays? My dentist has to swap out
[14:29] between every click. And hell, even
[14:30] digital storage has to run out at some
[14:32] point, right? Guess I won't be needing
[14:34] this anymore. But also, he will need it
[14:36] because it's Czechov's life vest.
[14:37] >> I had water this whole time.
[14:39] >> THE WHOLE TIME?
[14:40] >> OH, [ __ ] THAT.
[14:41] >> I'm assuming he says this because it's
[14:42] dark and scary, but I'm not sure because
[14:44] it's dark and it looks like my screen
[14:46] just turned off. Simon spits on that
[14:49] thing and risks being known as the hawk
[14:50] luggie bro. [ __ ] that.
[14:53] >> This guy really sucks at coming up with
[14:55] good catchphrases.
[14:58] >> Tape taking all the good jobs. Also,
[15:00] this works.
[15:01] >> [ __ ] me.
[15:02] >> The [ __ ] rule of three.
[15:04] >> Cockpit voice recording
[15:07] blacks.
[15:08] >> The muffled speech coming out of the
[15:09] radio is irritating enough. And now
[15:10] Simon is doing it live. I
[15:12] >> swear if I have to reading manuals.
[15:15] >> It's funny because everybody who has
[15:17] played a video game knows this feeling.
[15:18] It's not funny because in a real life
[15:20] situation, every manual could actually
[15:21] save your life. This ain't the library
[15:23] in mist, man. An actress making me
[15:25] realize that a sequel to Buried called
[15:27] Blooded was on the table and maybe
[15:29] better. Glad you found a way to power up
[15:31] the lights so that I can now see 10% of
[15:33] what's going on instead of 2%. You've
[15:34] advanced from milk to tithe. But if
[15:36] there's a way you could eventually get
[15:37] up to solid restaurant tip, I'd
[15:39] appreciate it.
[15:41] >> Almost worked.
[15:42] >> This almost worked. Over again.
[15:45] >> Just because the whole ocean's blood
[15:47] doesn't mean you shouldn't get this off
[15:48] your face as fast as you can.
[15:52] >> This whole breach is on for all the some
[15:54] time.
[15:54] >> Fire breach. Fire.
[15:57] >> This fires on for all the continuing to
[15:59] hold breach on for all the some time.
[16:01] For all the some time. Also, for what
[16:03] it's worth, any kind of whole breach at
[16:04] this supposed depth would result in
[16:06] immediate implosion. So throw some
[16:08] firewood on the old he's already dead
[16:09] conspiracy fire if you like, but this
[16:11] sub should no longer be subbing.
[16:13] >> SHUT THE [ __ ] UP. DISMANTLING THE
[16:16] MESSENGER. That feeling when the back of
[16:17] your bra rides up when you're taking off
[16:19] your shirt. Drinking rubbing alcohol
[16:21] ever, but especially when it's not even
[16:23] enough to give you a decent buzz. Also
[16:24] using the mini bar without considering
[16:26] how much it might cost you. I'm not
[16:27] dying down here. He is. Movie will now
[16:29] spend a couple minutes pretending the
[16:30] most thrilling parts of video games are
[16:32] the parts where you have to maping
[16:33] mazes.
[16:39] Hello everyone. My name is Simon. I like
[16:41] to do drawings.
[16:43] >> Surprise to the point of dropping your
[16:45] pencil cliche.
[16:47] >> Basing your scary underwater creature on
[16:48] the mascots from the old Dao scrubbing
[16:50] bubbles commercial.
[16:51] >> Just pretend like I'm not even here
[16:53] >> like this movie is doing with that
[16:55] FREAKING SUBHOST FROM EARLIER. YEAH,
[16:57] SURE. I can do that. But also,
[16:58] pretending you're not here would have
[16:59] serious consequences for the screenplay.
[17:03] Littering. Why does he need to prop the
[17:04] throttle open? And why is the throttle
[17:06] able to be propped open by a binder?
[17:08] Just realize this part of the map looks
[17:09] like a uterus. And now all the blood has
[17:11] an even more interesting context.
[17:13] [ __ ] aliens.
[17:14] >> Look, buddy, you're the one out here
[17:15] touching and drinking everything you
[17:16] find. So don't be getting all high and
[17:17] mighty about the Alien franchise when
[17:19] you've clearly been copying it this
[17:20] whole time. This movie is 82% close-up
[17:22] shots masquerading as story momentum.
[17:24] >> You're just STANDING THERE. DO
[17:26] SOMETHING.
[17:26] >> Stealing my thoughts on the last 10
[17:28] minutes of this movie. Of course, when I
[17:29] was thinking do something, I wasn't
[17:30] thinking just throw in some random as of
[17:32] yet incomprehensible backstory that just
[17:34] serves as more hallucinogenic
[17:35] atmosphere. But you do you movie
[17:38] 8, what are you doing down here?
[17:40] >> Spoken as if it wouldn't stand a reason
[17:41] that they were doing the same as you.
[17:44] Wait wait wait wait wait.
[17:49] >> Well,
[17:51] we're waiting.
[17:52] >> Insufficient privileges. Leave the area
[17:54] immediately or surrender yourself to
[17:55] Insufficient privileges. Leave the area
[17:57] immediately or surrender yourself to
[17:58] council authority.
[17:59] >> Deciding that having a large segment of
[18:00] your audience's experience be what if
[18:02] your annoying unfassened seat belt
[18:04] warning alarm was a movie.
[18:05] >> Not my problem.
[18:07] >> Saying this and then playing the
[18:08] computer like the plot's positioned slot
[18:10] machine that it is. I'm in a circle.
[18:13] >> Sometime around when you started drawing
[18:15] your map back to the place you started,
[18:16] you should have begun to suspect it was
[18:18] a circle. Stop pretending this
[18:19] revelation was not just more exposition.
[18:21] Also, going in a circle seems like it
[18:23] wasn't such a bad thing considering you
[18:25] now have a useful map. Looks like you've
[18:26] eliminated all the choices except the
[18:28] right one. So, just go and win the game
[18:29] or whatever. Nice.
[18:32] >> Sorry.
[18:32] >> Apologizing to the sturdy desk you
[18:34] barely hit instead of the warning
[18:36] speaker you annihilated earlier for just
[18:37] doing its job.
[18:38] >> Only one left to try.
[18:40] >> This movie is doing a great job at being
[18:41] a metaphor for how hard it is to find
[18:43] and try every single new experimental
[18:45] flavor that Mountain Dew throws into
[18:46] stores. And I am relating to my core
[18:48] with the completionist themes and dogged
[18:50] exploration of the carbonated journey.
[18:52] That is what this movie is about, right?
[18:54] >> Who is this?
[18:55] >> Who do you think it is?
[18:55] >> I don't care. Moving on.
[18:57] >> Can't take it anymore.
[19:01] >> Death delusions, CO2 poisoning,
[19:02] hallucinations, whatever. The only thing
[19:04] that's more ridiculous than this sub
[19:05] still being intact this long is that
[19:07] there is another sub down here with
[19:08] people still surviving. And he should be
[19:10] having some major questions right now.
[19:12] >> Can you just keep talking to me?
[19:13] >> What would be the point? You'll just run
[19:15] out of air faster. He didn't say he
[19:17] would be talking back. Jeez, mystery
[19:19] ghost lady, just tell the guy a story or
[19:20] something.
[19:21] >> You can see the light and so
[19:25] it changed everything.
[19:26] >> The audio coming out of that speaker is
[19:28] getting very rough to listen to.
[19:29] >> It's what caused the quiet rapture or a
[19:31] fragment of it at least.
[19:33] >> I'd send the movie for expositioning us
[19:34] at this point, but I'm not sure the
[19:36] movie understands how to actually
[19:37] deliver information that moves the story
[19:38] forward. It seems to think just saying
[19:40] random mysterious [ __ ] will keep us
[19:41] interested. And honestly, I've had those
[19:43] friends and I got rid of them for a
[19:44] reason. I don't know if you're just my
[19:47] imagination.
[19:48] >> Run away with me.
[19:50] >> I don't know what's real anymore.
[19:51] >> Yeah, same. But considering there's
[19:53] still a hole breach and this speaker
[19:54] isn't capable of chirping to you about
[19:56] it, but is capable of broadcasting from
[19:57] this mystery ghost sub, I think you
[19:59] should probably have a bit of a clue.
[20:00] >> But what's more likely? That every
[20:02] planet and star disappeared or that a
[20:04] few space stations disappeared.
[20:05] >> Asking reasonable questions while you
[20:07] were currently exploring a blood ocean
[20:08] is admirable, but somehow almost more
[20:10] ridiculous at the same time. Isn't it
[20:12] easier to believe that they're still
[20:13] there wondering where all of us went?
[20:15] Isn't that more likely?
[20:16] >> Not sure if it's more likely, but it
[20:18] does at least sound like a better movie.
[20:19] >> Would you give everything just to
[20:21] survive?
[20:22] >> Yeah, I never had anything to begin
[20:24] with.
[20:24] >> Then you don't have anything to give and
[20:26] therefore don't get to survive. You
[20:27] aren't listening, Simon. Also, you do
[20:29] have that cool pog slammer you found.
[20:31] >> They were still looking for us.
[20:33] >> Maybe. Yeah.
[20:34] >> Objection. Calls for speculation, your
[20:36] honor. Sorry. When I get bored, I revert
[20:38] to courtroom rules. I'll try to do
[20:39] better. They blame me for what happened.
[20:41] I was the only one trying to stop it.
[20:43] >> Citation needed or at least a coherent
[20:45] scene about it.
[20:46] >> I didn't blow up Filament Station, but
[20:47] the ones who did aren't getting
[20:49] punished, just me.
[20:50] >> Permission to treat the witnesses
[20:51] hostile, your honor. So, Simon, the big
[20:53] reveal is that people think you blew up
[20:55] Filament Station, a place we know very
[20:56] little about, and that you didn't do it,
[20:58] but someone else whom we haven't even
[21:00] met or have info on did blow it up.
[21:02] Exactly. How is this information
[21:03] supposed to help us understand you as a
[21:04] character better or contextualize the
[21:06] choices you've made on this journey? The
[21:07] prosecution rest, your honor. Not
[21:09] because any of that made sense. I'm just
[21:10] tired.
[21:12] >> The answer is right there.
[21:14] >> It is not. In fact, we're already 75%
[21:16] through this movie and I can already
[21:18] tell it cares as much about giving
[21:19] actual answers as I care about the
[21:21] keyboard warriors in the comment section
[21:22] who are readying their fan theories as
[21:24] proof that this movie is flawless and
[21:25] I'm full of I already know I'm full of
[21:27] It's the one sure thing about [ __ ]
[21:29] Everything that is happening here seems
[21:30] very cool, but I have no idea what the
[21:32] any of it is.
[21:36] >> I see you. Okay, thating rule. Take your
[21:40] sin off you mad genius you. But also
[21:42] Avataring
[21:47] the
[21:49] >> Oh,
[21:51] Simon,
[21:53] open your eyes.
[21:55] >> Reminding me of that one time at spring
[21:56] break when I went to the place the event
[21:58] horizon went. No one will be seated
[22:00] during the interlude of inconsequential
[22:01] hallucinations.
[22:02] >> Who is this?
[22:03] >> I'm Batman.
[22:04] >> I don't even know how you survived.
[22:06] >> Movie magic mostly. If he is alive,
[22:08] >> TELL ME HOW MANY PEOPLE. GIVE ME A
[22:10] NUMBER.
[22:10] >> THREE. THREE. THREE.
[22:12] >> This of course in no way proves anything
[22:14] to him. Because if it is his own mind
[22:15] playing tricks, of course he knows this
[22:17] information. But the fact that he should
[22:18] have known better isn't the important
[22:20] thing. It's that the audience doesn't
[22:21] gain anything from this moment to ground
[22:22] them in any sort of reality or give them
[22:24] any new info to contextualize Simon's
[22:25] experience. Do all movies have to be
[22:27] about clarity of character, story,
[22:28] narrative, and structure? Yes. Yes, they
[22:30] do. Because I said so.
[22:32] >> What's my name?
[22:32] >> This isn't helping. If what Ava means is
[22:35] that this isn't helping to move the
[22:36] story along, then she would be excellent
[22:37] at CINEMA SENSE.
[22:38] >> SAY MY NAME.
[22:40] >> DISCOUNT DESTINY'S CHILD.
[22:41] >> You say I need down here to die and you
[22:43] don't even know my name.
[22:44] >> Not making a hard ride into the Fight
[22:45] Club verse and telling him his name is
[22:47] Robert Pollson. And listen, this is just
[22:49] what happens when you keep me confined
[22:51] to a small space for extended periods of
[22:52] time.
[22:53] >> It says I have one light left.
[22:55] >> Scene does not contain a Kardashian
[22:56] trying to convince Simon that he started
[22:58] with five lights of oxygen. A bone
[23:00] fragment isn't going to tell us anything
[23:01] that we haven't already seen with our
[23:03] own eyes.
[23:04] >> So, why did you want it in the first
[23:05] place? AA's motives are anywhere from
[23:07] confusing to non-existent.
[23:09] >> The SM8.
[23:11] I almost didn't notice the name on
[23:12] account of the biging hole in the side
[23:15] of it.
[23:15] >> That was just a lie. It was very
[23:17] legible.
[23:18] >> Did you say SM8? How do you know about
[23:19] that ship?
[23:20] >> It had letters on it. I can read.
[23:22] >> God damn it. Open your ear.
[23:24] >> Well, if you want it, you got to come
[23:26] down here and get it. my college
[23:28] ex-girlfriend when she lived two floors
[23:29] down.
[23:30] >> And you're lucky I'm not sending you
[23:31] down there instead.
[23:32] >> Power tripping bully bosses who threaten
[23:34] you with a trip to the demon anglerfish
[23:36] blood zoo.
[23:36] >> If you can make it to the FM8 and back
[23:38] out, we can meet you outside the
[23:40] entrance in 30 minutes. But I'm serious.
[23:42] You've got to be there in 30 minutes or
[23:44] I'm gone.
[23:44] >> The movie's oxygen countdown has been
[23:46] thoroughly compromised by demon air
[23:48] shenanigans. So, we're upgrading to the
[23:49] more reliable be here before the train
[23:51] leaves model. If we could pull this off,
[23:54] there's hope for the COI, for Eden, for
[23:57] everyone. Nothing else matters compared
[24:00] to this.
[24:00] >> Nothing else matters compared to this is
[24:02] a difficult philosophy to reconcile with
[24:03] the whole be here in 30 minutes or I'm
[24:05] leaving policy. Also, movie has spent
[24:07] way too much time convincing us that
[24:08] none of this is real for me to care
[24:10] about any of this actually mattering.
[24:11] You got the highest body count out here,
[24:13] killer. This conversation briefly taking
[24:15] an unexpected turn into modern dating
[24:17] discourse.
[24:18] >> Once you're down there, it's still
[24:19] there. It's really difficult to hear,
[24:20] but his mind audio seems to be
[24:22] suggesting that he isn't alone in the
[24:23] sub. Too bad the movie has left me alone
[24:25] to not figure any of this out on my own.
[24:28] >> Blood Demon, sir, I served with Captain
[24:30] America. I knew Captain America. Captain
[24:32] America was a friend of mine, and you
[24:34] are no Captain America.
[24:35] >> The pressure alarm finally shuts up.
[24:37] >> That's alarmist.
[24:38] >> Yes, we can synthesize food from it, but
[24:42] I don't think we should. It shouldn't be
[24:44] possible, but it's human. It's
[24:47] incredibly [ __ ] hard to hear, but the
[24:48] radio is basically saying that Satan's
[24:50] Soilent Green is people, and more of
[24:52] that movie would have been nice. Is the
[24:54] radiation causing these wounds, or is it
[24:56] the aliens? And if it's the aliens, are
[24:57] they doing it with their minds, or is
[24:59] this blood filled with the fastest
[25:00] acting Ebola ever?
[25:01] >> You can't be serious.
[25:03] >> Trying to bring back your awesome
[25:04] catchphrase in the final act, but
[25:06] forgetting that it wasn't actually
[25:07] awesome.
[25:08] >> THAT YOU
[25:09] >> TRYING TO BRING BACK YOUR AWESOME
[25:10] secondary catchphrase in the final act,
[25:12] but forgetting that it also wasn't
[25:14] actually awesome.
[25:15] >> YOU WANT TO HATE ME? COME AND TRY.
[25:17] >> ATTEMPTING TO give Taco Bell new
[25:18] advertising slogans. Simon crawled to
[25:20] freedom through 5 yards of blood alien
[25:22] foulness. I can't even imagine. Or maybe
[25:24] I just don't want to. Five whole yards.
[25:27] That's the length of over a full
[25:29] basketball rim height. And just shy of
[25:31] actually being difficult. And we all
[25:33] came out exactly as confused as we
[25:35] started on the other side. Movie never
[25:37] explains why the blood mutates Simon and
[25:39] his sub, but just lets the black box go
[25:41] unmutated through this whole blood
[25:43] flood. You know, if any of this actually
[25:45] happened. Sub Blood can apparently only
[25:46] grab its victims by direct hand-to-pipe
[25:48] contact, much like my college
[25:49] ex-girlfriend. This [ __ ] is disgusting.
[25:52] WELL DONE.
[25:53] >> FINE. YOU WANT THE PUSHER?
[25:55] >> I'm pretty sure this would being awesome
[25:57] if I could tell what was actually
[25:58] happening behind the extremely shaky
[26:00] camification of all movies. Something
[26:02] something pressure something something
[26:04] explosion winning movie takes the dark
[26:06] ending of the game and adds a splash of
[26:08] bloody hope to it because it knows we
[26:10] nihilists are too convinced of the
[26:11] universe's never- ending drama to give a
[26:13] [ __ ] Well played, Mariplier. Well
[26:15] played indeed.
[26:39] There's something.
[26:50] >> Oh yes. I hate this. It is revolting.
[26:53] >> More, please.