[00:02] you've saved as "brother" on your phone, and everything was fine, then suddenly changes. He starts making fun of you, belittling you, and joking around with insults, even though you've told him it bothers you.
[00:14] You've noticed this behavior gets worse around strangers, especially girls. As soon as you leave him, you feel like two voices are fighting inside your head. One says you have to put a stop to it and cut him off because he's gone too far. The other says the complete opposite, that
[00:27] if you leave him, you won't have any friends, you wo n't find anyone who understands you like he does, especially since there are rare, albeit good, times. You find that the second voice inside you is always the one that's boiling over, and you keep going around in circles, not knowing what to do. Should you cut him off, or is there another solution you
[00:42] can do to get him to straighten up? All of this is because of you.  You'll find out in today's episode, and most importantly, you'll leave this episode with the right decision to make about relationships like this. In the name of God, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful, I thought I'd change the camera angle and have us
[00:55] floor for a bit. I'm feeling tired of sitting in a chair, so I wanted a change of pace. Anyway, I just want to point out that what's going to be said in today's episode doesn't just apply to friends; it applies to any relationship in your life. So pay close attention to what's being said. Have you ever
[01:09] asked yourself why you sometimes have certain types of friends that you're so attached to, to the point where you feel like your life would end if you cut ties with them? Even though this person might be toxic and hurtful to you. For
[01:22] example, they treat you very well when they need something from you, like you want to go somewhere with them or do something specific with them.  In a very nice way, but the next day you find he doesn't even ask about you, and you get upset but are afraid to tell him because your relationship will be ruined and he won't talk to you again.
[01:36] Or maybe you're in class, university, or work, and you get better grades or do something better than him, so he starts putting you down, throwing around comments like, "You did something incredible," or he always calls you by a name you don't like,
[01:49] or he uses swear words, even though you've already told him not to do that before, but he still does it. It can even get to the point where someone might be making sexual jokes with their friend that they don't like. Of course, guys will understand me perfectly on
[02:03] this point, and you might have told him more than once not to joke with you like that, but he still does it. If you're experiencing any of these things...  Or something similar, for example, and you don't know how to react. You don't know how to cut ties with this person because they might be your only friend.
[02:18] Your heart won't let you do it. You can't bear the thought of them not being in your life, even though they're hurting you. Inside, you're very upset and angry, but you keep telling yourself things like, "Am I going to throw away have any other friends. Who else can I befriend?" And you keep telling yourself things that numb the reality you're
[02:33] living in, like, "God willing, they'll change with time and understand that these things bother me," or "It's unreasonable to sacrifice all these years of friendship over just one incident," even though you and I both know it's not just one incident. And you might actually have many friends in your life, people you
[02:46] know and who love you very much, but you do n't know why there's something strange making you cling so tightly to this person. You feel that despite the harm they cause you and the things that upset you so much, they're almost like you.  In a terrible way, and the problem is you don't know why. The
[02:59] hardest part is that you keep this person in your life despite the annoyance they cause you, and at the same time your conscience doesn't bother you. You say that what they're doing to you is a kind of love, that they joke with you or insult you even though you told them it bothers you, but they do it
[03:12] because they love you. This makes us ask why we can't let go of those who hurt us. This is a story that, when I first heard it, I was sure couldn't be sure couldn't be true. But when I started researching and investigating the
[03:26] basis of this story, I found that it is true and actually happened on February 4, 1974, around actually happened on February 4, 1974, around 9 PM. A famous broadcaster was out with his wife in the car on an errand when he received a phone call from an unknown number. Anyway, he answered
[03:39] the phone and found that his neighbor told him, "Quick! There's shouting and screaming in your house, and the whole place is in chaos."  He was on his way back when he received a call from the same neighbor who told him that suddenly the screaming stopped, the house went dark, and everything went quiet. The
[03:56] house and interrogating everyone. He asked, bewildered, what was going on, and they told him his asked, bewildered, what was going on, and they told him his daughter had been kidnapped. His daughter was 19 years old, just starting university, still very young. The screaming the
[04:10] neighbors had heard was her engagement. The police investigation revealed that the girl hadn't been kidnapped by just one person, but by a group of people who were essentially a gang. After the girl was kidnapped, the gang held her captive for
[04:23] 10 days, subjecting her to the worst treatment: insults, humiliation, beatings, torture, and other horrific acts. The gang had specifically chosen the girl...  This was specifically because they knew her father was a prominent and wealthy media figure, meaning he would pay any ransom they demanded to get his daughter back. As expected, the gang contacted him,
[04:38] demanding a certain amount of money for her return. So, the man paid, and the tension began to subside, with joy filling the air as their daughter was finally coming home. But what's truly shocking is that this didn't happen. On April 3rd, the gang released a
[04:52] recording, seemingly of the man's daughter's voice. In the recording, she stated that she had joined the gang. Of course, you wouldn't believe it, just as I didn't believe it, and just as her father himself, upon hearing the recording, said it wasn't real and that she definitely was n't his daughter. However, on April 12th,
[05:06] security cameras captured Patty, the media figure's daughter, participating with the gang in the robbery. Not only that, but Patty was holding a weapon and threatening the people present in the bank. Everyone went berserk at the time. How could the girl who was  The victim became the criminal. The important thing is that
[05:19] the police didn't stay silent and kept after this gang, including Patty, the TV presenter's daughter, to arrest them all because they stole... On September 18th, they were all arrested. On the day of Patty's trial, you could ever hear happened. But, because I'm being annoying, I'll tell you what it was in
[05:34] the middle or at the end of the story, just to maintain the suspense. But you didn't ask yourself why a 19-year-old girl would be kidnapped by a gang. And what's even stranger in this story is that after the girl was kidnapped and her family paid the ransom, she refused to go back. How could she love
[05:48] these criminals? And even decide to join them! The explanation for what happened to Patty, whose story I'm about to tell you, is exactly the same as the explanation for what's happening to you with your friend. What are you saying, guys? My friend kidnapped me and demanded a ransom from my family, and I...  I don't know, look, it's
[06:01] not exactly like that, but what I'm sure of is that your brain processed what your friend is doing to you in the same way Patty's brain processed what happened to her. Here's the question: why would someone love someone who hurts them, and even cling to them so tightly? What makes you unable to cut ties with your friend
[06:14] who practically does nothing in his life unless you're upset? He insults your parents and calls it joking, and you've told him repeatedly not to, yet he continues, and you can't react, can't fight him. He belittles your appearance, your mannerisms, your walk, and the
[06:28] way you dress. He might even belittle you in private, downplaying your achievements, even if the achievement is significant and everyone is happy for you. He makes you feel like it's nothing, like you did n't choose to be a burden. The answer to this might be a bit complicated, but what
[06:43] you're about to hear is very important. I don't know, maybe...  It might shock you, but you don't choose your toxic friend in the first place. There's something inside us that makes us choose this type of you're saying, guys. Let me put it simply: when you see two close friends, don't you
[06:59] feel a certain aura about them? It doesn't have to be physical; their mannerisms are similar, even their way of speaking. Their overall demeanor is very similar, right? So, the question is, where does this feeling come from? That's what
[07:12] we're going to talk about now. There's a sentence that changed my entire perspective on relationships. It says, "We are not attracted to what we like, but to what we know." What does that mean? Do you know why, when your friend yelled at you, belittled you, or insulted you, you accepted
[07:27] it calmly and didn't react, even though you were deeply upset inside? What's the explanation for what happened?  This is n't just about the situation itself; its explanation goes back to your childhood. If, for example, you experienced this and reacted that way, it's likely because you grew up in an environment that, unfortunately, was mostly characterized by yelling, shouting, and
[07:42] unfortunately, was mostly characterized by yelling, shouting, and
[07:59] reaction, your self-esteem drops significantly. You start to feel that you don't deserve anything good, that you don't deserve applause for no reason because you haven't accomplished anything. In other words, you start to feel that you don't deserve to be loved just the way you are. And of course, we all
[08:14] know that these childhood experiences...  It doesn't develop in thin air; on the contrary, it shapes our personality and remains stored in our minds. As you grow older, your mind subconsciously forces you into one of two situations: either you have to make compromises in a relationship, whether it's a friendship or something else—and
[08:27] these compromises might involve your money, dignity, or the values ​​you live by—or you accept the other person's actions, even if those actions are awful. Why do you do this? Because you'll always see yourself as being at fault, even if the other person is. Why do I do
[08:41] this? Because, in short, this is how you were raised. You, my dear, never saw anyone stand up for you from a young age. So, to put it simply, you'll You, my dear, never saw anyone stand up for you from a young age. So, to put it simply, you'll traits to those you were raised with. So, if you enter a friendship
[08:55] and find that your friend treats you harshly and in a bad way, you...  You probably wouldn't be surprised by this and you might accept it normally, and the bigger problem is that you might love this person. Why?  Because your brain knows exactly what this person is doing, and why?  Because it's similar to what you
[09:08] were raised on. Look, it's not like I see someone being rude or well-mannered and then decide to befriend them. No, it all happens subconsciously. You're not even aware of it. That's why, if you have this tendency, you'll find that most of your friends in your circle are toxic and
[09:21] act the same way. This point I just explained applies to anything that happened to you during your childhood. For example, you have a friend who's only around when he wants something from you, or wants you to go somewhere with him, or do something with him. And when you need him, he's
[09:33] nowhere to be found. Even though what he's doing bothers you a lot, you still don't know how to end the friendship. You don't know how to cut ties with him. So what's the reason for this? The reason is probably that when you were young, during a certain stage...  Your childhood was filled with love, but on conditions imposed by
[09:46] your parents. There's a great saying that will help you understand this point better. It says that we always choose things we know well or things that are similar to us. You know the phrase "you hit a nerve"? It's exactly that—we choose people who
[09:59] hit a nerve. And this choice is always unconscious. So, in short, everything that happens to you when you're young doesn't just disappear; it stays stored in your mind and consciously reflects on you when you're older. Consequently, you get the feeling that when someone acts this way towards you, you feel
[10:13] safer with them, not because of the actions they take, but because they resemble the first thing you saw in your life. You hate the bad things this person does to you that hurt you psychologically, but you can't leave them because they're doing the same things that were done to you in your childhood.
[10:27] And who did those things to you? They were probably...  Your source of security is your family, and of course, I'm not generalizing this to all parents. This issue doesn't necessarily have to originate from your family; it could stem from a friend at school, something that happened to you when you were little, someone bullied you. But its
[10:39] root is childhood. Shehab, look, you described me, you did n't describe me, you exposed me. What you told me is exactly what happens to me. Okay, good, now you understand the reason and how the game works. If you always see yourself as undeserving of love and attention from those around you, then you'll be very likely to
[10:52] and attention from those around you, then you'll be very likely to fall for anyone, and the first person to give you attention will literally be the one to give you a free pass. I know this might sound a bit harsh, but it's the truth. And the dangerous point is that because of your childhood, you might see the harm done to you by your friend as
[11:04] love, or it doesn't have to be your friend, whoever it is in your life. I'm going to tell you a few things now. If you find yourself doing any of them, know that you've reached the point.  The stage with toxic people is when you start to see their harm as love, and you find yourself reluctantly justifying your friend's actions, even those that
[11:17] deeply upset you, just to avoid losing them and maintain your friendship. For example, if someone you know who likes you sees the nature of your relationship from the outside and tells you, "Be careful, your friend isn't right, he's taking advantage of you and treating you badly," you might find yourself saying, "
[11:30] No, don't be unfair to him, you just don't understand how things are going," even though you know perfectly well that he knows the truth and that your friend, whom you're so attached to, is toxic and actually harming you. You find yourself getting angry, putting up with him, and defending him with strange fervor. This is exactly what
[11:45] happened with the girl and the gang whose story I told at the beginning of the episode. She decided to join them and defend them despite what they did to her. If you've reached that point...  At this stage of justification, know that you've reached a very dangerous point. You should stop
[11:58] here and realize that you're not the happening, even if that reason is valid. There's a great saying I heard: it's easier to be
[12:11] bad people protecting good people than to be good people protecting bad people. It's easier for you to constantly blame yourself for saying things like, "Someone else..." blame yourself for saying things like, "Someone else..." This is the worst and most difficult level:
[12:24] when the relationship turns into an addiction, when you become addicted to this person's presence in your life. This person treats you badly, but you can't imagine life without them. This person says awful things to you, but you're fine. This person is exactly like a drug. Do you know why it's like a
[12:38] drug? Because what this person does to your brain is the same as what drugs do to your brain: addiction. So, when this person, whether it's your friend or anyone else you're with...  When someone does something nice, your brain releases dopamine in an abnormal amount, making you happy. Then, a little while later, you find yourself
[12:51] arguing and tense between the two of you. So, cortisol and adrenaline surge in your brain, and you make up with them. Then the endorphins start flooding your brain again, making you feel relaxed and happy. your brain again, making you feel relaxed and happy.
[13:04] 're using drugs. Shehab, I'm starting to get this straight, but I have a simple question: how do I recognize annoying people? This question is brilliant! I feel like there are only three types of harmful people. The first type is the one who doesn't even know they're
[13:18] harmful. This is usually a young person in their teens who doesn't realize they're being annoying, but they do n't know it. They might bother you, yes, in class or wherever you are, but they don't realize they're being annoying.  He's annoying and acts in a nasty way, so he's
[13:30] annoying, but he doesn't know he doesn't mean to hurt you. Of course, the word "nasty" here is used harshly. But the solution with this type of person is to go and tell him that you're bothered by something. If he's a young or respectable person, he'll say, "Okay, fine," and won't make a big deal out of it with you. If he doesn't respond, I'll tell you
[13:43] exactly what to do with him in two minutes. But first, let's talk about the second type. The second type is, in short, the self- serving person who will give you all the attention and love in the world, but only when he needs you. As soon as you need him, he disappears. He'll forget you were ever his friend. The most obvious sign of this
[13:56] type of friend is that if he needs you one day or asks you for something and you don't do it, he'll get overly sulky and upset, and he'll do a complete 180-degree turn. It's not unlikely that he might even end the relationship over something like that. Now, the third type [clears throat] is the harmful narcissist.
[14:10] This is the complete opposite of the first type. This one knows the things that bother you and he intentionally does them. Why?  Because these things make him feel a kind of euphoria. He is happy when he feels that he controls you in some way. In short, the person, God knows, may be mentally ill, but
[14:23] in all cases, he is trying to project this illness onto himself. Now you know the type of toxic people, who are the people whose relationship harms him. Now you know how to judge the friendships that exist toxic relationships. I will ask you now some questions, and you should answer them in the
[14:37] comments, yes or no. The first question is, do you feel that you only find yourself when you are with this friend of yours who does many things that annoy you, and if he is not in a place, even if there are many people around you, you feel that you are alone and you do not have friends?  The second thing is, do you not know how to set
[14:51] boundaries in the relationship between you?  Because you are afraid deep down that if you set boundaries for the relationship or let him know that what he is doing bothers you, he might leave you or break off the friendship .  The third question: When you please this friend, do you feel satisfied with yourself, as if you're drawing
[15:05] confidence from them? The fourth question: When you think about ending this relationship, do you then tell yourself, "No, I've wasted so many years of my life in this relationship," and feel sorry for those wasted years, even though they're hurting you, but you stay just so you don't lose those past years? If you answered two
[15:19] or three of these questions correctly, then you're officially in a toxic relationship, my friend. You're in a relationship where you've lost yourself without even realizing it. Your self-worth is so precious that God Almighty has honored you. God Almighty says, "And We have certainly honored the children of Adam. We have certainly
[15:32] created man in the best of stature." And the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, value God Almighty and the Prophet have placed on your self-worth, and yet you're taking it so lightly? Anyway, if you've gotten this far, then you
[15:44] Now you're just one step away from learning how to recover from relationships like this, whether it's with a friend or someone else. The
[15:56] this type of relationship is acknowledgment. Half the cure is in the acknowledgment itself—acknowledging that you're in a toxic relationship, that certain childhood experiences are causing things to happen this way now. Acknowledging this is half
[16:10] the battle. So, now that I've acknowledged it, what do I do next? First, I want you to get a pen and paper. By the way, I really love writing; writing is the solution to most of our problems. Anyway, get a pen and paper and divide the paper in half. On the first half, write down the feelings you're
[16:24] currently experiencing regarding this relationship. Write everything you're feeling. Write, "I'm afraid of losing my friend. If I lose my friend, I won't have any friends left." Write everything that's on your mind. On the second half of the paper, write down what's happening to you.  Exactly, for example, someone observing
[16:36] this relationship from afar and evaluating it. Write down what's happening realistically. Believe me, when you take this step, you'll suddenly discover that your feelings have magnified certain moments and ignored significant realities and disasters that were happening to you. This is where the moment of decision will come. You'll start to set
[16:52] clear and explicit boundaries to protect yourself from the harm caused by relationships of this type. If your friend decides to hurt you in any way, and you know they're doing it intentionally, you'll tell them. Let them know you're upset. If they're a mature and decent person, they wo
[17:05] n't be offended; they'll correct themselves. But if they're the opposite and upset because you're punishing them for something they did that bothered you, then, from my perspective as Shihab, this relationship has to end. You can't stay perspective as Shihab, this relationship has to end. You can't stay
[17:18] relationship. I know it might be difficult because you don't know how to completely cut ties. You want to, but you do n't know how. Ending a relationship isn't a sudden, abrupt process. You start by gradually distancing yourself from this person, starting from within. It's like
[17:31] blocking them, but internally. You begin to notice their flaws, writing them down, constantly looking at them, and trying to make yourself aware of them so you can internally become fed up with the relationship. In short, you need to make yourself hate the
[17:45] relationship if this person is already toxic and isn't trying to improve. When you do this and then gradually reduce your messages, they might react defensively, which will only make you more fed up. By taking it one step at a time, ending the relationship becomes much easier than before. It doesn't happen suddenly; it doesn't happen
[17:59] when you...  I went in and told him I was done with the relationship, but it started gradually from within you. Then you started doing things that he noticed and got annoyed, so you started shutting him out even more. The relationship was over, and I ended it. The
[18:14] last and most important step is to regain your self-confidence. Focus on yourself, the self you've damaged. Take a pen and paper and write down the good things you used to feel about yourself, but this relationship made you lose them. Write these things down and try doing them again. You'll find that you had
[18:27] good qualities that disappeared. Focus on yourself. Learn new things. Try new things. Increase your focus and self-love. Try things you're afraid of. Doing those things will boost your self- confidence, and consequently, make you feel more valued. That's all. The last thing I wanted to say on
[18:40] this point is that you shouldn't  Don't expect anyone to value you in this world if you don't value yourself. And to continue the story of Patty, the journalist's daughter who was kidnapped at the beginning of the episode, when she stood before the judge and they started questioning her, she kept saying that she did it against her will and didn't
[18:54] understand why, and that she was subjected to something like brainwashing. Then, the American President Carter at the time pardoned her because he was convinced by the situation we discussed; they understood why she did it. By the way, today Patty is a very successful journalist and has lived her life and recovered from everything that happened to her. So
[19:08] I hope that this also happens to me and to you. And as usual, don't forget to also happens to me and to you. And as usual, don't forget to share. Ah.