---
title: 'Everything Wrong With The Entire Fast & Furious Franchise'
source: 'https://youtube.com/watch?v=XRPwtsyXHOU'
video_id: 'XRPwtsyXHOU'
date: 2026-07-01
duration_sec: 13303
---

# Everything Wrong With The Entire Fast & Furious Franchise

> Source: [Everything Wrong With The Entire Fast & Furious Franchise](https://youtube.com/watch?v=XRPwtsyXHOU)

## Summary



## Transcript

Just packed up a real money load and
it's coming your way.
>> Inside man on shipping heist crew risks
everything by openly talking about the
theft at his workplace.
>> Honking truck driver is oblivious to
obvious heist. Also with two hands on
the wheel, he's not honking anything.
truck just happens to have clearance to
accommodate a car driving underneath it.
When we first meet the Torettos, it's at
their family restaurant with the hot
sister working the counter. But then we
never see this restaurant again, and no
one in the entire Toretto clan has to
work there for the rest of the movie.
Synchronized driving. Also, no one in LA
is driving around today. Just these
[ __ ]
>> Okay, so according to Mia, Brian has
been coming to this restaurant every day
for 3 weeks, but this [ __ ] Vince is
just now getting pissed off about it.
>> Cliche villain is cliche cliche. Watch
your back. Watch your back. [music]
>> The song Watch Your Back.
>> Just can't climb in the ring with Ali
cuz you think you box.
>> He knows I can box.
>> Yeah, he knows that you can hit him in
the face. But we're talking about
racing right?
>> What the hell's going on?
>> The only person who is inconvenienced by
all this is a pizza delivery guy. And I
suspect only because the movie had a
tie-in with Pizza Hut. Do you really
need to lay down a chalk starting line
right next to the already there
permanent painted white line? Isn't this
like playing Rock Band before you go out
to play a live show? I got a 187 in
Glendale. Cops [music] are all over,
man. We're good to
>> murder. It's fantastic. Also, one murder
is enough to tie up all of LAPD's forces
so that the illegal and super loud
street race can take place.
Wait, his car is still running? There
was white smoke coming from under the
hood, which I usually take as a bad
sign. I mean, look at this. You're
telling me this car can even run when it
does this? minutes. We have reported
street racing along Hawthorne.
>> Now, wait just a damn minute. Earlier
during the race, we saw them driving
past 120th Street. And the police
dispatcher says they're on Hawthorne,
which puts them roughly here, like three
blocks from LAX. There was no way in
hell these streets would be this
deserted or that it would take anywhere
near this long for the racing to be
reported to the cops.
>> Toretto, stop right there. The cops
recognize Tretto, but he runs anyway,
which turns out to be a good strategy
since the cops never show up at his
house later to question him about the
street race in which he was placed at
the scene. Okay, so Toretto is running
down this alley, and the cop had already
turned his car around, but apparently
the cop can't close the distance before
Brian does way down at the end of the
street here. Did anything really happen
to Brian's car? He can still lead a
high-speed chase with this thing. This
station wagon honks its horn at Brian's
car, but the station wagon has a red
light, which makes it all the more
stupid when the station wagon guy honks
at a cop and runs into his car. How the
hell did the Asian street gang know that
Tretto would be in this otherwise random
green car driving down a lonely stretch
of road?
>> These pictures.
>> You can have any brew you want
>> as long as it's a Corona.
>> Roll credits. Oh, wait. This is a movie,
not a beer commercial.
>> Thanks, man.
>> That's Vincent, so enjoy it.
>> Villain backwash.
>> Hey, buddy. You got a bathroom?
>> First door on the right.
>> Twostory house has no bathroom on the
first floor.
news. Will you take these things off?
These cops make Brian wear the handcuffs
all the way back to police headquarters.
So, this guy owns a restaurant, a house,
a professional auto garage, and wins
constantly at street racing. What the
does he have to be stealing [ __ ] for
again? Who's manning the Toretto Delhi
restaurant? Anyone? Makes for a cool
shot, but no one who is truly putting a
car together would buy all the parts at
once, open them from their packaging,
and lay them out on the ground like
this. It's going to take more than an
afternoon to use all these parts. You
know, I think we should go out sometime.
>> No, I don't I don't date my brother's
friends,
>> but I do make myself look good for them
if they happen to show up to a party and
I wasn't expecting them.
>> Cha cha cha.
>> Yeah, that's it.
>> Yeah.
>> Well, you can take me there.
>> Mia says she's tired of all the
fighting, but then teases Vince and asks
Brian out right in front of him.
>> Hey, you said you need three of all this
stuff.
>> Movie piles an orgy of evidence against
the Hispanic street racers by having
Hector order parts for the exact number
of oddly specific Honda Civics
implicated in the truck heists. Oh, come
on. You're an undercover cop, man.
Haven't you ever heard of parking a few
blocks away or using a different car
when doing your undercover? Dude, you
are right across the street from these
fools. Don't you think waving a
flashlight around in their garage is a
good way to get caught?
>> Mo like a cop.
>> So, Toretto somehow knew Brian was going
to do something copish. So, he agreed to
let the hotthehead tail him even though
he's been pissed at the head for hating
Brian all movie.
>> He's a cop.
>> I know we need to create some dramatic
tension, but all Brian did was break
into a garage. How on earth did
hotthehead guy jump to the conclusion
that he's a cop? Do criminals never
break an enter? Is that something only
cops do? Johnny trans guys spotted
Dretto and Brian's green car earlier
just because he was driving in their
neighborhood, but now he just drives one
of his own cars into that same
neighborhood without any issue. Dom and
crew access the Asian garage through
some bull [music] hatch on the roof.
Also, the Asian garage full of street
racing cars has an easily accessible
roof.
>> There's no engines.
>> What are they planning on racing with?
Hopes and dreams.
>> Yep. Hopes and dreams. They couldn't
possibly be putting new engines in later
or as we find out in a second, someone
stole them. Movie piles an orgy of
evidence against the Asian street racers
by having a stash of the exact number of
oddly specific Panasonic DVD players
stolen in the truck heists in their
garage.
>> But Jess,
[music]
we got a wolf pack.
>> Dude, that took you forever to spit out.
Were you worried the guys on the
motorcycle might hear you?
>> They didn't see him.
>> We got no WAY TO DO IT. YES, thieving is
bad, but your garage is not the most
fortified place in the world. And even
after someone stole your engines, you
didn't even crack down on security.
>> A garage full of DVD players and
generally psychotic behavior. And tell
me why we shouldn't move on Johnny TR
right now. And see,
>> can the FBI arrest someone based on the
illegal breakin of an undercover cop? I
mean, why not make everyone an
undercover cop if you can just break
into any place and find evidence?
>> I watched my dad burn to death.
>> Main character had a dad who died doing
the same cliche. Random unexplained shot
of a car graveyard. has made his
decision. We're going to move on Johnny
Tran and his guys at 1700 hours.
>> Why so long? That's like 5:00 in the
afternoon. Would they really take the
unnecessary risk of letting their only
undercover officer in the street racing
world participate in the police raid of
a street racing team? So, these FBI guys
are going to crack down on an Asian
gang, but why are we seeing Donald Ley's
sex scene during it? Does their sex have
anything to do with this sting
operation?
>> The DVD players were purchased legally.
So naturally, they would store them in
the garage of their race cars because
that's what you would do when you're a
gun toing Asian street gang. You buy
electronics in bulk and store them for
safekeeping.
>> I know there's no end you paid for all
that that's under the hood of those cars
by doing tuneups and selling groceries.
>> Well, yeah, he won a load of money in
those illegal drag races. You were
there. What's up, man? Welcome to Race
Wars.
>> And if you can read lips, welcome to
race wars again. So on the street race
to open the movie, they used red chalk
to mark the starting line. But at the
uber big deal race wars, they set out
jugs of antifreeze to mark the center
line of the racetrack. Really?
>> Did this guy seriously come to race wars
without NS in his car? What a idiot.
This event is too large [music] and too
illegal to ever actually be pulled off
without cops descending to arrest
everyone. Why does the post-race pathway
marked with metal trash cans lead racers
directly to Tretto's tent? [music]
>> No, don't give me that crap. We're doing
this for you. There is no way Brian
could plainly hear this from this
distance inside a motor home while
technomusic blasts outside.
>> Okay, what's the cell number?
>> What's the cell phone number?
>> Bull. You don't know Dom's cell phone
number? Does he only give that out to
family or something? I mean, even if he
didn't give it to you, wouldn't that be
high on the list of things you need to
get during an investigation? Yeah, I
guess no one ever comes up here to this
sewage treatment plant or [music]
whatever it is. They definitely wouldn't
report the suspicious cars parked
outside. Civics are stuck somewhere
outside of thermal.
>> So, normally when Dom and his crew have
to get the cars, they have to make the
2-hour drive from LA to Thermal. How do
they catch up with a truck that has a
2-hour head start?
>> We shouldn't be doing this without
Jesse.
>> And what did Jesse do? You have three
cars. Someone basically plays passenger
the whole time anyway with this rash of
truck robberies happening. Why do any
truck drivers go down this stretch of
road and with no partners or help? Also,
these roads never have any other drivers
on them. Look, this is the exact same
way they've been jacking trucks the
whole movie. Isn't it about time the
truck drivers put something in the front
seat to prevent this? Like a mannequin
or a stack of books hanging from the
front of a semi at 65 mph on the
highway? Better take off that helmet.
>> I'm going to
>> I know. What a dick. Defending his
truck. And Dom's car has amazing
resilience with a blown out tire. He's
still keeping up with the truck with no
problem. Isn't it someone's job to make
sure the stunt men at least somewhat
resemble the actors they're taking the
place of? Okay, it's 2001. We're in a
desert. Sure. Cell phones work fine.
Wow, Dom, perfect timing. How did you
know to take this route? Also, Lance was
right on Brian's tail. So, how is there
enough space for Dom to come roaring in
like this? This truck driver sees two
souped-up cars speeding down the street
and says, "Yep, probably safe to pull
out in traffic."
Cop lets bad guy go, and the movie
treats it like an act of heroism. End
credit scene used to tease the sequel
stars the one guy who won't be in the
next two sequels. Also, despite a highly
probable warrant for his arrest, Dom
makes it into Mexico with no problem.
Unnecessary forcing of the Universal
logo onto Carwheel is unnecessary.
>> These jackasses are yelling and making
all kinds of noise while rushing out
when they'd be safer just beinging quiet
and going at a normal speed. If TZ
really owns a garage and worked on cars,
you might expect his outfit to be a
little dirtier. But what you don't know
is this is his formal jumpsuit. Movie is
a dick to people with epilepsy. Even
though Suki is one of the four racers
tonight, she's wearing an insane outfit
more conducive to a slow-mo grinding
dance montage than a street race. Suki's
pit crew consists of two people who
barely know how to use shammy towels.
Sexual assault.
>> Now, where's your fourth at?
>> Can someone remind me why we need four
drivers for this race? Is it to force
awkward character introductions?
>> You want to race tonight?
>> Yeah, you know, I could use the money.
>> Okay, so Brian needs money, so why
hasn't he been able to get in any street
races? Why is he just now being called
about this awesome street race? You know
why I think he's not already there? The
movie wanted to make Brian's entrance
more dramatic. Hell, the guy lives in
Ted's garage, so it's not like these
guys are mere acquaintances. Movie
wastes time with what I can only assume
is exhibit wet dream. Miami, in addition
to being a huge city of over 2 million
people, is also dead empty everywhere
you go because Miami is boring. No one
calls the cops on this loud, invasive
group of [ __ ] that illegally blocked
off roads in a semi- urban area.
>> Nobody said nothing about raising the
stakes.
>> Brian comes in at the last minute,
suggests raising the stakes, and
suddenly everybody has to raise the
stakes just because he said so. And
while Brian needs money, he can
apparently plunk down $3,500 on a
goddamn car race.
>> 35 large, huh? Either that or you can go
home.
>> Why do all four of them have at least
$3,500 on hand? I get their criminals,
but this still seems like an
irresponsibly large amount of money to
keep on your person.
>> When you going to pop my clutch,
>> Ted will certainly eat his words when
Suki grabs the head of his penis and
jerks it like a clutch. You know, it
might be helpful if we had any idea how
this course is mapped out to get more
involved with this race. As is, it's
just racing shifting blurriness. Movie
expects me to believe that all these
streets are empty and all these stop
lights are disabled because a group of
people in a pickup truck put up a road
close sign.
>> Move, [ __ ]
>> Suki's car top is down, yet her hair
isn't out of control blowing in her
face, and she's able to audibly scream
expletives at other drivers. This guy
just hit the NOS button, but acts
surprised when his car starts going
faster. Wait, does the NOS take a car
into hyperspace?
>> Hit it, baby. Hit it.
>> Pedge not only knows someone who can
make a drawbridge go up in the middle of
the night, but also someone who knows
how to kill four street racers with this
move. If Slapjack is only going over
100, then seconds later, Brian hits the
NOS and is blasting past 160. How is
Slapjack not eating Brian's dust? These
cars don't nose dive into the pavement,
stopping them immediately and killing
the drivers instantly. This wreck is
brought to you by I forgot what company
it is. Also, wasn't he just going close
to 100 miles an hour? How the is he not
dead?
>> So, you know, we can we can work on that
front end of yours.
>> At this rate, Ted may run out of sexual
car ponds. Perfect timing. Despite
everyone getting pinned in by cops as
they try to escape street race central,
Brian apparently has some here to for
unknown secret exit out of this place so
he can outrun the cops. Lucius Fox is
apparently designing weapons for the
FBI.
>> Card of her own. Born in Argentina.
>> Expositional cop briefing cliche. And
>> if I don't here's a list of the laws you
broke in LA.
>> Movie assumes that if it triple X's
itself a little bit, we won't notice
that Vin Diesel isn't in it.
>> What would be better motor for my
Skyline? A Gallow 12 or a Gallow 24? 24.
I didn't know pizza places made motors.
Why is it in movies that the FBI is
somehow this incompetent when it comes
to undercover work? Like they can't find
anybody who knows cars in the entirety
of the bureau.
>> That's your boy in Monte Carlo.
>> Agent Billkins doesn't already know
this.
>> He's crazy as hell.
>> Sounds like just the kind of liability
that the FBI loves to take on. The front
of Roman's car smashed to. There's no
way he could get the nose of his car
under this station wagon enough to flip
it. Also, this ridiculous redneck
demolition derby doesn't prove he's a
good driver in the slightest. It proves
he's an idiot for not wearing a helmet.
>> Blondy head. Not a cop anymore.
>> That's true. No badge. Roman asks
Bilkins this question like he knows that
Bilkins is a cop who can corroborate
Brian's previous statement. As Roman and
Brian fight here, I wonder why the did
he think this was the best guy to get
for the job. Sure, he can play a street
racer, no problem, but work for the
cops. He could have probably asked any
number of people to do this job and it
would have been better than this guy.
That's like the fourth or fifth good
punch Rome has gotten in during this
fight. Yet Brian's face remains
unscathed.
>> I need you to come to Miami and drive
with me. If you do, they'll take off
that anklet and they'll clear your
entire record. I did 3 years in jail. I
know you better than you think.
>> This deal legit.
>> Rome went from dismissing Brian's
request because he's a habitual betrayer
to being interested in the deal in
literally 15 seconds.
>> I thought you couldn't wander more than
100 yards from your home.
>> Why you think I'm parked so close to the
derby?
>> God damn it. Do they really expect me to
believe that a judge sentenced a man to
house arrest who lives in a mobile home?
That's not house arrest. That's just
being completely free because she can
drive that [ __ ] thing anywhere. Also,
how the would this even work? Those
ankle monitors rely on geo fencing which
is fixed to a specific location. It's
not a magical anklet that can tell you
when you walk a certain distance away
from a Winnebago. They would have to put
a tracking device in his mobile home in
order to see how far away he is from it.
But unless they arrest the thing for
aiding in a bedding, that would be
extremely unfair to an innocent
Winnebago.
>> I don't know if I should be trusting
you man.
>> Does Roman have some outstanding
warrants the movie forgot to tell us
about. We've established these aren't
crooked cops. Unless you count hiring
former criminals whose only marketable
skill is driving well to do their
undercover work as crooked. So why is he
worth? Does he think they're going to
arrest him for something he's already
served jail time for? I wouldn't need a
fresh start if it wasn't for you.
>> Have we established that Rome blames
Brian for his criminal record? We have
three times in the last 5 minutes. Okay,
great. Just checking.
>> I'm not going back to bar stuff.
>> Takes Roman a matter of seconds to
overcome any objections he has to going
through with this deal. It's almost as
if this movie is just manufacturing all
this [ __ ] conflict.
>> Me Monica Fuentes
>> wearing her standard police issue sexy
blouse. Also, Monica either opted to or
was forced to ride standing in the back
of this truck, which is refrigerated for
maximum sexiness.
>> They've been briefed.
>> All right, here's the deal.
>> Never mind. I'm going to brief you
anyway.
>> Don't even think about taking the
convertible
>> because it's less aerodynamic and an
open cabin causes lots of drag at high
speeds. Wait, is it because he wants it
for himself? Movie shoots standard
driving down the road like it's a chase
scene. If these two are supposed to be
badass street racers driving badass fast
cars, then explain to me why they just
got passed by a Ford Explorer.
>> Turn right here.
>> If you're undercover cops posing as
street racers, you need to have a
prestige level of commitment to the bit
and do street racer on the way to the
meeting. This is an easy trick if you're
not actually driving.
>> He did the stare and drive on you,
didn't he? Roman and Brian pulled that
frequently enough for it to have a name.
Movie pads runtime with 30 more seconds
of car porn.
>> Hey, where'd you get them cars at bottom
of a cereal box?
>> Semi-legitimate burn makes me wonder why
the FBI opted to go with Japanese sports
cars instead of springing for some nice
American muscle cars. Carter is the
proud owner of a golden easel that he
uses to hold the apparently wireless
monitor that displays his surveillance
system. Also, the number of camera views
displayed here suggests that Carter has
12 cameras around his property, but at
least two of the views displayed to the
same. I don't know who Carter is trying
to impress here, but he would have been
better served by swallowing a spride and
just displaying four views on the
smaller screen. It's good to see that
Smashmouth could make it to the street
race meeting on time. Man, the cops in
Miami must be up to their ears and
cocaine busts to miss all these tricked
out sleds gunning it down I95. I'm glad
they paid all that money to animate
this. Otherwise, I'd have no idea the
FBI is tracking the whereabouts of a car
they own that's being used in an
undercover operation.
>> They're running. What a surprise.
>> Why the would Markhamm think they were
running? even if he is enough at his job
not to assume the obvious here. Monica
would definitely have told him that
there would be some kind of a test and
that this is all part of the plan.
Roman, Brian, and all the other drivers
slow down to the flow of traffic just so
they can have this playful moment just
before they start weaving through
traffic again. This semi doesn't stop
before this happens.
>> Crazy ass white boy.
>> Tyrese finally earns his paycheck in
this movie. Running into this doesn't up
Brian's car or Brian.
>> What do we got?
>> You're just now checking up on Roman's
credentials. Whoever decides to read up
on Roman Pierce is going to be confused
because it talks about Brian here and
then suddenly switches pronouns to she
here and here.
>> Look in the center. Look in the center.
>> The package is in the center console
instead of in the
>> in the glove box, which is where Carter
said it would be.
>> Cops. What the hell they doing here?
>> I mean, right. It's such a free-for-all
in Miami that criminals can do outrage
like this and still question why cops
are here. Also, yeah, why are the cops
here? Yeah, he thinks Roman and Brian
are running, but you've got to be
kidding me with this mess. If their cars
have GPS trackers and you can find them
at any time, then why take the risk of
[ __ ] up an investigation? Why not at
least hang back and see what they're up
to before going insane? Good thing Veron
doesn't check this thing because what's
with April 8th? This guy has five
speeding tickets, all on April 8th and
three in one day in 1992. Twice he got
careless driving violations on
Valentine's Day in 1982, even though he
was born in 1973. That's a 9-year-old
carelessly driving. Also, I find it
tremendously endearing that one day in
1991, the cops pulled over this man for
a seat belt violation. He must have been
totally going the speed limit that day.
>> What you checking her out for?
>> I'm not checking her out.
>> She can't hear this.
>> Yes, you were.
>> No, I wasn't.
>> And now you're still arguing about this
[ __ ] I mean, yes, he was checking
her out. Tyrese was checking her out. I
was checking her out. THIS WHOLE TRIAL
IS OUT OF ORDER. ADICA. ADICA. I don't
care how rich you are. It's a waste to
throw away a perfectly good barely
smoked cigar. As I see TZ barking out
stuff through a megaphone at his garage
where he's an ace street car mechanic, I
wonder how he became such an amazing
computer hacker in the later movies.
>> That's how they do it out here, man.
>> Every day,
>> no one in law enforcement seems to be
upset that Tez is running illegal
gambling outside of his business and
that he's clearly using his garage to
launder the money he makes from this jet
ski racing scheme. I mean, it's pretty
clear that only one dude is actually
doing any work on cars.
>> I hit a wall doing like a buck 20 a
couple years ago.
>> But because I'm a member of the Fast and
Furious team and didn't have a Wonder
Woman movie to do, I didn't die from
that. Both of them are wired up like I
never seen before.
>> What? How the actual is Roman surprised
that the FBI is tracking them? Also, why
the [ __ ] do they care that the FBI is
tracking them? Wasn't the whole deal for
them to work with the FBI to bring down
Carter so they could get their records
cleaned? If they ripped out the tracking
info from their cars, that would mean
the deal is off, right? Right.
>> Yeah. Well, they've been honest since we
left the Rowan's house.
>> And instead of losing them much earlier,
Brian decided to lead them right to the
place where they plan to hide out. Did
these federal agents forget the old
idiom, those who meet in mostly glass
restaurants should not meet with
undercover operatives because passers by
can see them meeting with you? I think
that's how it goes.
>> What's this about, man?
>> It couldn't be about that time I shot at
you 20 times, right?
>> You think she's compromised? You should
know. And your old pal Connor didn't
tell you he flipped on Billings in LA,
gave his Mark his car keys, and let him
disappear.
>> So, because Okconor did this in the
first movie, he should know if Monica
ising the drug lord. Why is Miami able
to shut down during impromptu street
races? TZ doesn't market modify these
cars to use NOS as ludicrous speed.
Seems appropriate for some reason.
>> Good move, kid. Let's see if he got the
ball.
>> Given how fast they're both traveling
and [snorts] how far away they are from
each other, I severely doubt that Fona
would have enough time to even say,
"Good move, kid." before Brian crashed
into him head on. Brian successfully
gets this guy to swerve off course for a
second, but he's still way, way, way
behind and will somehow [ __ ] his
[music] way back to neck andneck with
this [ __ ] just because of the NOS.
Movie continues to act like hitting the
nitrous button and going over 100 miles
an hour is the same as the Millennium
Falcon making the jump to light speed.
Carter's Club is a magical fantasy told
of in ancient legends that contains more
women than men.
>> It's a hoasist in here, bro.
>> That's hoasist.
>> What is his deal?
>> He doesn't trust people that carry
badges.
>> Brian says this right in the middle of
Carter Veron's club while they're both
undercover because he is very interested
in getting them all killed.
>> I've been a cop about 2 months when
Roman was busted in a garage raid. And I
miss the day where they tell you not to
talk about being a cop while undercover.
Also, movie decides now is the time to
explain why Roman was so mad at Brian
when they met up earlier in the film.
Explaining it then when it made more
sense to do so would have been too easy.
>> Earlier.
>> Yeah, actually I want it.
>> Wrist touching. We all know what that
leads to. Handholding, which can get you
pregnant.
>> He's here, man.
>> Why is this such big news? Didn't Veron
invite them here?
>> He's over there. Don't look.
>> Even though he's clearly staring at you
guys right now and notices you're here,
so play it cool.
>> It's all right. Let him in.
>> Why does this even need to be said?
Didn't he specifically ask for them to
come to his little VIP room?
>> 5 minutes of her time and she can get
anything she wants from him.
>> Carter is so brilliant. He was able to
figure out that attractive women can use
their sexuality to manipulate weak men.
Who knew?
>> I got a problem with authority. I have
that same problem. For me, it's cops.
>> For me, it's firemen. They're all like,
"Get out of the house. It's on fire."
And I'm like, "I don't have to listen to
you, pig." Oh, you know, I just carry
around a rat anywhere I go, just in case
there's somebody I want to torture at a
moment's notice.
>> Once the bucket gets hot enough,
detective, the rat is going to want out,
and the only direction it can go is
south. This overly complicated torture
technique is basically here to show what
a sadistic bastard this guy is. But it's
an insane waste of time and rats. Rat
cam. This torture by rat in a heated
bucket just got a whole lot sexier. Oh
yeah,
>> I'll burn him.
>> Out. I'll burn him out.
>> Why not just do that? Save a rat.
>> I'm a low budget mechanic, but I
overcharge. Pay me. Let's go.
>> Sure. Just start raking in the pot
before Ted even shows his cards. Why you
haven't been shot playing poker yet is
beyond me.
>> [ __ ] my garage boy. Royal flesh. TZ
totally slow rolls his employee. It's a
wonder both of these guys haven't been
shot playing poker. And a royal flush.
Come on. Who the [ __ ] gets a royal flush
when the stakes are highest? Except TZ
and James Bond.
>> I'm a crash, TZ. I'll catch you
tomorrow.
>> What was the point of this entire scene?
Is Monica wet right now because she swam
to Brian's houseboat? Or did she get
there a normal way, but the scene wasn't
sexy enough, so they dumped a bucket of
water on her?
>> Once you finish the run, they're putting
a bullet in your head.
>> Why the [ __ ] is she going to Brian about
this? Did she forget she's a customs
agent working with the FBI? She's
clearly risking her own life by sneaking
on to Brian's houseboat, given that
Carter said,
>> "You ever touch another man again, and
I'll kill you."
>> You'd think it'd be in everyone's best
interest for Monica to go and tell the
team of federal agents she works for
about this instead of going directly to
Brian. But that wouldn't be nearly as
romantic and probably a lot less damp.
>> They don't know I'm here. I snuck out.
>> And besides me not being there and no
one having any idea where I am and
Carter being suspicious that there's
something going on between me and Brian,
there is no reason for them to be here.
There's a skylight above the bathroom.
How's the peeping, Tommy? Also, this
movie is going to have us believe that
Monica can somehow lift herself through
this window without making any noise or
rocking the boat a little or she's dead
is what I'm saying. All of them are
dead. I'm going to remove three sins
because Eva Menddees exists.
>> Man, you remember us growing up?
>> That transition into this attempt at
emotional character development just
gave me whiplash.
>> I got Veron's navigator leaving the
residence.
>> The FBI has guys on the inside at
Veron's place, but only when it's
convenient to the plot. This guy is
checking in at his office so we can see
pictures of his family, allowing the
viewer to remember his internal
conflict. move on a trailer property
right now.
>> Okay, so I understand that Veron paid
this guy off to keep a window open for
his guys to steal the money, but my
question is why does the cop know about
this operation at all? Seems like they
could have stolen this money without any
cop involvement. Unless this is a place
where cops were already scoping out and
we're waiting for Veron to take the
money out of it, but this movie has
never explained this money or why he hid
it in a wall in a random house or why
the cops are involved.
>> Sure, that SUV stayed in a straight line
without anyone gripping the steering
wheel. Sure, it did. Let's get the
chopper over them. And one eye is right
on top.
>> No one in the local police department
questions why an FBI chopper is also
chasing these guys. This weapon, which
is clearly complete bull, is only stuck
to the door, yet still messes up all the
inner workings of the car. I guess it's
sending its [ __ ] bolts to the
[ __ ] inside the car's [ __ ]
which is causing everything to go
haywire. Brian conveniently pulls out
the car stopper hook at the very last
second. And apparently, you don't even
need a gun to fire this thing into a
car. You just need a good throwing arm.
And even though the hook of this thing
basically shut the car completely down
before Brian removed it, the car still
works just fine even after it's removed.
Man, I would love to actually watch this
car chase, but I guess seeing extreme
close-ups of gas pedals, eyeballs, and
gear shifts will do just fine. The
police don't immediately start yelling
at these [ __ ] to come out with their
hands up. Cops don't immediately start
shooting at these [ __ ] There are
seriously this many street racers who
could help out with operation confuse
the cops today.
>> Must have lost them in the scramble.
>> For some reason, neither the local
police nor the FBI used their resources
to block the entrances and exits to this
facility, preventing anyone from
escaping. and then start arresting those
fools for whatever the they can
definitely arrest them for.
>> All right, we got them going west on
beach.
>> Billkins doesn't assume they ditch those
cars and are now using them as a decoy
because that's what I, a normal person
who is not an FBI agent, assume they're
doing. Okay, so Roman and Brian switch
cars, but aren't TE and Suki in serious
trouble for aiding and abetting? Why so
happy? And with all the goddamn cars you
guys just threw at the cops, why even
bother driving these? Sure, you get them
chasing after cars that don't actually
have the money, but with all the
confusion, you could have just kept
these cars parked in the garage. So,
what's their plan here? The money isn't
showing up. So, I guess they're just
going to arrest Veron for almost getting
onto his own plane.
>> Where's the rest of it?
>> The other car.
>> Another car. Where's the other car?
>> How do you not know? Didn't you have
this master plan to provide Roman and
Brian with one goon each to go with them
when they got the money? How do you not
know there's another car? And how do you
not know something happened to one of
them? And then this [ __ ] decides he's
going to leave without the other half of
his money for some reason, without any
other explanation.
>> So, you know nothing about the agents
that stole my jet.
>> So, if you don't know about the other
car, how do you know about this? They
arrested the guys that were out there,
right? Did the feds give them all their
one phone call and they used it to call
of her own and tell him about the jet?
>> Custom agents sure are getting pretty.
>> How the [ __ ] does he know that she's a
customs agent? I'm sure he could assume
that she's informing the police based on
what she knows and what the cops now
know, but he knows her exact role. Did
the screenwriter whisper it to him
because there are only 7 minutes left in
the movie.
>> Get on the boat.
>> No idea why Veron doesn't just kill
Monica and Brian right here and now.
This is a guy who doesn't even have to
think twice about heating up a rat in a
metal pale to torture a dude. But he
can't just kill some fools, take his
money, and leave.
>> What's that?
>> Who cares? Just kill him already.
>> What's that?
>> IT'S FOR STILL, BABY.
>> Roman Han solos in at the last minute
and announces himself over the walk just
before Brian gets shot. Are they really
going to try and pull this Dukes?
>> Real Dukes of
>> He beat me to it. That yacht probably
maxes out at maybe 50 mph. And Brian and
Roman are going 90. But somehow they
don't whiz past the boat and just shoot
off into the water. They probably know
there was a ramp here. If so, how so?
Also, it just happens to be in a perfect
place to fly his car into the boat. That
ramp's anywhere else. This ending
doesn't happen. Also, they survive this.
Some [ __ ] The guys with guns on
this boat don't come up and shoot both
these [ __ ] dead or they're dead and
the movie didn't tell us they're dead
and just made us assume that even though
Veron has the draw and then Brian still
managed to shoot first. Downstairs, the
screenwriter was fighting off the
remaining guards and vigorously untying
Monica so she could make it back up here
just in time to conveniently take the
gun from Veron.
>> Open a garage together. How we going to
do that, bro? Pockets ain't empty, cuz
Brian says this like he's got some big
surprise for Roman here, but Roman has
some of the money stuffed down in his
jeans. So, why did he think opening up a
garage would be hard to do when he's got
stacks of cash in his pants?
[music]
>> Right out of the gate, movie is a dick
to people with epilepsy. Also, why are
there metal detectors outside? Did the
school splurge on weather resistant
metal detectors? Or is this just some
idiotic plot device to make Shawn look
like more of a badass when it actually
just makes him look like he favors large
belt buckles? How is the mascot kid able
to fit through the metal detector in the
first place? And why does he already
have all on the mascot costume? Did he
wear it at home and then drive to school
with his [ __ ] on? This teacher writes
some math on the marker board and then
walks over to this other marker board
and simply writes Monday on it, then
goes back to the math. Also, this is the
most complicated series of instructions
for 8x= 72 I've ever seen. I mean, x is
9, god damn it. It's that simple. And
she not only writes the same equation
down twice for some reason, but she's
also making solving for X the most
confusing thing ever. Two since one for
the racist Indian mascot and a second
one for the racist Indian piñata. So
it's come to this. The Fast and Furious
franchise unable to get Paul Walker, Vin
Diesel, and others to come back for a
third movie rated home improvement for
stars 7 years after that show went off
the air. Shawn goes to a fancy school
where they offer slow-mo car repair as
an elective, giving him an unfair
advantage to star in this franchise. If
they aren't painting him purple to make
him look like Grimace, then this is a
terrible waste of bullying. This movie
was written. This [ __ ] football
player carries around a spare baseball
just in case Lucas Black from Sling
Blade talks to his girlfriend and needs
to smash his window with it. Also, this
kid certainly has one hell of an arm.
He's able to completely bust through the
rear windshield of this car just by
throwing a baseball. Also, also, also,
the ball went through the rear
windshield, passed through a wormhole
that exists in the back seat, then came
out behind the car. This movie took
great pains to show us that Shawn had
put the wrench back in the toolbox. So,
what is this supposed to be? It's either
the dumbest misdirection in a movie's
first 5 minutes ever, or it's a
continuity error. Either way, it's
sinful as
>> winner [music] gets
me. [laughter]
>> I mean, you're sexy and all, but
also the movie thinks it can avoid the
women are prized to be won criticism by
having this girl volunteer herself as
the prize. No one's working in this
large development during a weekday.
Either this subdivision really feels the
effects of the housing market crash 2
years before it actually happened, or
this is some [ __ ] This truck that
is not part of the race is able to keep
up with two cars that are customuilt to
go fast. Back in 2006, there were many
issues people faced every day, and we
dealt with them the best we could. But
two movies, Cars and The Fast and
Furious 3, made clear that many
Americans suffered from the embarrassing
inability to drift. These movies need to
explain how when Shawn was way behind,
he caught up in a matter of seconds. But
now that he's caught up and on a
completely different road, he can't pass
the guy he so easily caught up to.
>> I thought you loved me.
>> This prompts Qu to do the thing he
should have done 10 minutes ago. Drive
faster than the other guy. Shawn busts
through a framed house with little to no
damage to his car because his car only
sustains damage when it's convenient to
the plot. They survive this and Shawn
survives all this. This seems like an
awkward time for a tobasco product
placement movie. Wait a minute. Who is
in position to record this? When Shawn
did his stunt, there was no one around
with a camera. Only one set of parents
show up for Clay and Cindy, which makes
me think that they're brother and
sister. So now I'm in some kind of
flowers in the attic subplot that's way
more interesting than Shawn moving to
Tokyo and learning how to drive
sideways.
>> So where are we moving this time? Why
does everyone seem to think you can
avoid being prosecuted for a crime by
moving to a different city? This kid
broke several laws. They can move all
they want, but he'll still have to go
before a judge in the town where he
committed the crimes. In case you
confused it with Tokyo, French Giana.
Shawn is upset that his single adult dad
has a woman over. Because if Shawn isn't
getting laid, then no one should get
laid.
>> But your mom, she said the seventh. See,
we're a day ahead of you in Japan.
>> Which would mean it's the eighth in
Japan. Which would mean the seventh came
and went. And you weren't at all
concerned that your son didn't show up
at the airport. Yeah, but which train?
How does he get to the station? Which
one is his stop? Does he need to make
transfers? Can he read the signs to be
able to buy a ticket? So many questions
left by this note. Shawn makes it to
school without getting lost as a
>> Nolan is even slightly concerned that
Shawn speaks basically no Japanese and
is still expected to be successful at a
Japanese high school. Shawn grimaces at
what looks delicious. Did he already
forget what American school lunches look
like?
>> You sell a Sparkco steering wheel.
>> The steering wheel isn't inside his bag
because writing meaningful dialogue that
would reveal their mutual interest in
cars would be way too much work.
Twinkies Ride is an incredible Hulk
themed Volkswagen minivan because he
thinks the name of this franchise is the
function and the spaciousness
>> for when you blow your wide man.
>> Everyone loves Seaman jokes. This large
group of car enthusiasts somehow has the
ability to take over this entire parking
garage at night. Convenient cute girl we
saw at school earlier who also shows up
to the late night street races is
convenient.
>> No, right?
>> You're a quick learner.
>> Being able to recall one person's name
is hardly indicative of learning speed.
Yo, look man, he's out.
>> Now, see, that's funny cuz I thought
this was like a free country.
>> Is this guy supposed to be our
protagonist? Because he's really been
nothing but a dick the whole movie. If
you saw this dude from any other
character's perspective, you'd
understand why everyone else is a dick
back to him.
>> You know who I am, boy? You like the
Justin Timberlake of Japan, right?
>> Man, this movie can't even get its
insults right. Future Sex Love Sounds
was a mere 3 months away, and it took
the piss right out of this insult in
record time.
>> Do you know Yakuza, the mafia?
>> This is really Twinkiey's fault for not
briefing Shawn on the potential gang
activity in this parking garage. You're
the one that's
race.
>> Didn't we see the entire last 13 minutes
of this movie in the first 12 minutes?
Is this like Groundhog Day and no one
told me?
>> Take mine.
>> This is the worst decision this guy will
make today.
>> I want to see what the kids got.
>> And I have gobs of disposable income and
insanely good car insurance. So, I don't
care if he beats the out of my car.
>> You know what DK stands for? Drift king.
>> Drifting.
>> Sean, who is a car and racing
enthusiast, doesn't know what drifting
is, forcing the movie to explain it to
him and me and you.
>> You know that real famous painting, the
one and the woman who's smiling all the
time. The Mona Lisa.
>> Come on. You're telling me this dude
didn't know what the Mona Lisa was
called? I mean, for Christ's sake, pick
something different for him to be
ignorant about.
>> This car right here is like the Mona
Lisa, the drift world.
>> And even though Shawn has never drifted
before, they still let him drive it.
This guy is eating out of a magical Mary
Poppins bag of croutons that never runs
out. It's literally insane that Shawn
doesn't kill anyone during this race
with his lack of drift knowledge and
all. By the way, how is Shawn even close
right now? This guy is drifting all over
his ass and Shawn crashed like twice,
but here he is making it some kind of a
race. It's amazing this movie wasn't
more successful. took something really
cool, racing, and made it look like
someone aggressively trying to find a
parking spot. Shawn decides to keep
racing instead of stopping and saying,
"You know what? You've clearly won this
round because I don't know how to do
this. So, I'm going to go and learn how
to drift during a 5-minute montage and
we'll try again next week." If an
[ __ ] drifts up a spiral ramp and no
one can see him, is he still an [ __ ]
The answer is yes. Shawn loses the race
in Rex Han's car, which is exactly the
kind of purple rain or 8 mile kind of
conflict this movie needs, will he ever
learn to drift or win respect? Watch
those other two movies to find out.
>> Have you been racing, Sean?
>> Don't lie to me. I can smell it on your
breath.
>> This isn't a game. If you're going to
live under my roof, you're gonna go by
my rules.
>> Oh man, movie just unlocked the secret
cliche prize box. Tell them what they've
won, Jeremy. Thanks, Jeremy. Movie, you
have won an additional 10 sins for all
the cliches in this movie.
>> There's a guy in there with a paw that
owes me some money.
>> How hard would it be to say this guy has
a paw tattoo on his shoulder? Han
decides to be needlessly cryptic to
create this unsatisfying reveal. Han is
making a convincing case to change the
apple [ __ ] sin to nondescript bag of
snacks. It's basically working the same
magic here. Movie continues the
tradition of this franchise putting its
cars on roads where there is no traffic.
>> I call you show. Only if you teach me
how [music] to drift. This ain't a
negotiation.
>> I wasn't negotiating.
>> Uh, okay. So, I'd be happy to teach you
how to drift in my spare time then. As
long as it's not a negotiation, which
your language, context clues, and tonal
inflection all suggested. I am totally
down with the drift lessons. Jeez. Let
me state for the record that Sunkang is
the most oral actor in history.
>> You really need to stop following me
around.
>> Nila is attracted to Shawn for several
reasons, but mostly because the
screenwriter told her to.
Let me guess. You're an army brat who
moved around a lot.
>> Why do all these army kids go to regular
Japanese high school? Isn't there a
special army kid English speaking school
they can all attend?
>> Why are you letting me race? Cuz your
DK's kryptonite.
>> Why though? He's been here for maybe a
week and all he's done is severely
underperform in one goddamn race.
>> You can do better than 180k. They can't
catch you.
>> They ever find out they can bring in
other cop cars to block them off or use
helicopters to track speeders, they'll
be unstoppable. Movie totally thinks
it's the good fellas of drip movies.
Okay, cars are great and all, but I have
trouble believing that a heterosexual
18-year-old dude can take his eyes off
two beautiful women who are giving him
attention to go look at some cars.
>> The red ego's yours.
>> Crashing this dude's car was the best
thing Shawn could ever do in his life.
Why is this [ __ ] being taught to
drift on a dock? Are there no empty
parking lots where you can practice
this?
>> Do they want him to stop the fight? Why
don't they just grab a teacher?
>> I would like to pause in the middle of
this fight to tell you why we're
fighting in the first place. You know,
in case any students/filmgovers don't
know what this is about, spitfisting.
>> So, how'd you end up over here anyway?
>> Well, you know those old westerns, the
cowboys make a run for the border. This
is my Mexico.
>> Oh, also, Han continues to be insanely
cryptic because creating an identifiable
backstory for this character would be
way too challenging and would get in the
way of all the establishing shots of
brightly colored cars and pretty girls.
>> It's trust and character I need around
me. Who you choose to be around you, but
you know who you are. or who you're
forcing to be with you because he
wrecked your car and you need him to pay
off the debt. That, too.
>> I want car in exchange for knowing what
a man's made of. That's a price I can
live with.
>> So, having Shawn wreck your car proves
to you that he's reckless, cocky, and
possibly stupid. I guess those are all
the qualities of character he's looking
for.
>> So, if you don't drift [music] to win,
what do you drift for?
>> Holy, this movie is a stones throw from
Disney's Prink.
>> You know, you can also say hello to meet
women. That also works. Also, drift
seduction. Also, how many tires do you
go through per day to keep up a drifting
habit?
All of that just to get a number. Sorry.
If that type of is required for simple
digits, then count me out of the dating
pool and drift world. The first drifters
invented drifting out here in the
mountains by feeling it.
>> They lived in a terrible feudal society
where they had to drift for their
leisures in order to keep their lands.
Also, Han leaves out all the crucial
technique needed to actually drift. But
yeah, just feel it and see how that
goes. again.
>> Does he mean repeat this shot again?
Because we've seen it three times.
>> That guy's learned so much. When are we
ever going to stop fishing and get
married? This movie expects me to
believe that Shawn was able to learn
drifting at an expert level in a matter
of months and is able to beat these guys
that have been doing it for presumably
several years. This guy needs to take a
drift management class.
>> Yeah, totally.
>> But I realize now outside or insider, it
doesn't really matter. All it matters is
knowing what you really want and going
after.
>> And serendipitously crashing some
stranger's car who happens to take you
under his wing helps too. Also, Shawn
knows what he wants. He wants to win a
drifting race just for the sake of
winning one. Synchronized drifting.
>> We used to come up here when we were
kids. Even before we could drive,
[music] we'd cut class, sneak out, come
up here and watch the older kids drift.
>> So before you could drive, you used to
come up here to the mountains to watch
people drift. How did thating happen?
Did you hike up here or did you Marty
McFly and hitch a ride on someone's car
while on a skateboard? Also, even while
drifting, Nila is able to softly whisper
this story to Shawn. And Shawn seems to
understand every word.
Yo, come on, man. Look.
>> Are you telling me that Shawn saw this
dude get out of his car, saw him start
walking angrily towards him, and didn't
think to run, defend himself, or
otherwise prepare for a fight?
>> Stay away from him, or the only thing
you'll be driving is a wheelchair.
>> I'll help you beat the out of him if you
promise me a wheelchair drifting
montage.
>> Do you know who you are? Do you know who
you put on? I'm starting to think all
the dialogue in this movie was
constructed like a ransom note using
screenplay clippings of other popular
movies. I like how Shawn made friends
with two other people in high school and
the movie doesn't explain anything about
them or what they have in common.
There's enough space for them to just
drive straight away, right? The drifting
thing is fun and they back themselves
into a corner by making it the main
reason the movie exists. But would it be
way more efficient to just drive
normally?
>> Sean. Sean.
[screaming]
>> Look, even with a good honk warning, you
would not be able to clear out a crowd
full of pedestrians and sneak through.
Some won't hear the honk and others will
be screwed by their fellow pedestrians.
And you will kill 10 of them before
everything's over. Chase scenes with
cars like this can be fun. But editing
like this is [ __ ] ridiculous. Given
how fast they're going, I find it hard
to believe they would both be able to
walk away unscathed from this crash.
Hans's death scene doesn't include Jason
Stathithm. And yes, that's a sin I'm
giving this movie for something that
happened at the end of Fast and Furious
6. Franchise retroactive sinning, baby.
No law enforcement shows up, allowing
them to just walk away and casually get
on a subway. DK knew to find them at
Shawn's dad's house because he was
tipped off by the screenwriter. I
wouldn't do that if I were you.
>> Neglectful dad exmachina. Also, how did
he get out here in time? Did his dad
sense tingle and he knew the commotion
outside was related to Shawn? The guy
left without a note and has been gone
for, I don't know, let's say 3 weeks
>> and I'm responsible for my mess. I got
to do this.
>> Can someone explain to me what he has to
do exactly? Is he going to kill DK? Turn
himself into police, rescue the girl,
convince Bowo to add the Lul back, and
Shawn's vague vagory somehow convince
his father to let him go do this.
>> At least you're not redoing my mistakes.
I guess that's one way to do it if you
ignore all the original mistakes he's
made all by himself. Also, is he saying
that Shawn's mess doesn't at least equal
or exceed the mistakes he's made? Come
the on. All Shawn's dad did was be a bad
father. Shawn's going to be wanted on
two continents after this.
>> Maybe I should talk to Kamada.
>> I'll let Twinkie take this one.
>> I know. I just didn't hit it.
>> You can't just walk into Kamata's place,
man.
>> It's all I got.
>> So Shawn walks right up to Kamada's
place, gets shot dead, and the movie
ends with 23 minutes of credits.
>> Something I think Han would have wanted
you to have. You're going to need it if
you're going to make it out of Kamada's
place alive. Don't you need it? No,
>> it's cool. Look, I I'll figure it out.
>> Wait a minute. Twinkie said, "This is
something I think Han would have wanted
you to have." So, did Twinkie mean Han
would have wanted you to take my money?
Isn't it Twinkie who was giving Shawn
this money, and it has nothing to do
with Han whatsoever? The Apparently, you
can just walk right up to Kamata's
place. Who knew?
>> The drift training montage ran long and
bumped the learning Japanese montage.
>> I'm here to offer you a peaceful
solution.
>> Is it a race?
>> A race you movie.
>> It's the cops to call the cause. In
addition to being an unexplained friend,
this guy also serves as the narrator.
Luckily, Sean's dad just happens to be
working on a car that could easily be
retrofitted with street racing parts for
this finale to happen. But this dude's
nickname in the army was God in the
machine. Is this our third or fourth
montage? I lost count. Also, after Shawn
requested the race, did he get a full
week or so to prepare for it? The Yakuza
overlords must have said, "I agreed to
the race, but first get in a good week
to prepare." You know what? Make it two
weeks. And here's 50 grand to start your
new business.
>> DK picked this road for a reason. This
is his mountain.
>> And he's got some barrels. he's going to
throw at you. As I see the old man get
out of the car, I'm wondering why did he
even agree to this? This is a massive
waste of time. The stakes are loser
leaves town for good. So what? He
doesn't get anything from that
arrangement. Sean already gave him the
money Han owed. If he loses, he doesn't
die or learn a lesson or have to give
him more money. This is a [ __ ] man.
I was hoping this dude was going to use
his bra to start the race. How the [ __ ]
are they all watching this on their cell
phones? Even if there were invisible
drones filming it, there's no way those
mid2000 era cell phones could play back
live streaming video. Have you ever
tried to stream anything on Edge
Network? That was the fastesting thing
at the time. I know they're all about
drifting, but they could easily turn
around some of these corners normally.
And as far as I know, you don't get
bonus points for style in this race, nor
do you get a little power boost coming
out of the slide like in Mario Kart 64.
It's just whoever gets to the bottom
first, right? And here, in this case,
who's recording this part of the action?
There's no one around to broadcast this,
but yet everybody looking at their phone
sure seems to see the race perfectly
clear in their tiny ass screens. This
camera move illustrates the cliff that
Shawn might tumble over if his car
continues to do what this camera just
did, which is to confuse us as to how
far away Shawn is from this clip. I
couldn't really see what was going on,
but I definitely smelled some [ __ ]
It's too bad I don't know how far away
from the finish line these guys are,
giving us a course and some updates on
their status might have made this
exciting. DK conveniently and impossibly
falls right in front of where Shawn is
driving, only so this shot can exist.
And he survives this.
>> Heard he's been beating everybody around
Asia, too. Well, you heard wrong because
Furious 7 makes you a liar because Dom
didn't come to Asia to beat a whole
bunch of people racing. He came here to
pick up Han. And yes, that's not only a
retroactive sin for a future movie, but
that's also a sin we already mentioned
in the Furious 7 video. Take that,
Furious.
>> This dude over here want to race. Said
he knew Han.
>> Then why the does he want to race? Why
can't they just sit and talk about their
dead friends? It's because we got 2
minutes left and that would require
writing dialogue. Well, all right then.
>> I got [music] nothing but time.
>> Yep. You're just in the middle of all
that Jason Staithm bull and Furious 7.
It can wait. Darwin Awards by Ad Space
at the end of this movie.
>> Let's make some money.
>> Battlecry is the model for this crew,
sure, but also for this rebooted movie
franchise.
>> I thought we'd be robbing banks by now.
Not some gas truck in the middle of
nowhere.
>> Isn't this something you say before you
go to rob the gas truck in the middle of
nowhere? Movie expects me to believe
this go into reverse via E brake turn
maneuver is possible at 60 mph. This
pickup truck can travel in reverse at
the same speed as a semi-truck on the
highway because well this is only the
beginning of this crap and you know it.
Well, that's some [ __ ] Why doesn't
everyone have the same hands-free
headset that Lety does. It's really
strange to me that during these heists
absolutely no one else drives on these
roads. The one thing they never counted
on was the truck driver seeing something
odd in his mirrors. This bullet hits
exactly in the spot where Toretto's
torso is, and all he has to worry about
is shattered glass. Oh no, something.
This guy pumps the brakes once, then
bails at a lot of miles per hour and
lives. How has this gas tank on fire not
exploded yet? Sometimes an exciting
scene is so much [ __ ] the danger
isn't real anymore. After this, there's
no reason to feel any tension.
Spectacular explosion just for the hell
of it. All the excitement of the first
movie without the movie is a dick to
epileptics, but is kind of a good friend
to my boner. So, I'm conflicted. None of
the girls in any of these shots is my
girlfriend, so they stole a gas truck to
use for illegal street races. Is gas
that hard to come by? Don't you bet pink
slips and how is a $40 fill up that big
a deal?
>> Time for you to go do your own thing.
>> Heard they're doing some crazy [ __ ] in
Tokyo.
>> Like nearly drifting this franchise into
obscurity,
>> Dom, how long have we been doing this?
>> I have no idea, but I'm going to guess
long enough to know better.
>> We'll figure it out. We always do.
>> Man, that's touching. I really hope
these criminals find a happy ending. Dom
is a addict to Letty, but at least he
left the cash on the nightstand like
she's a [ __ ] Running Paul Walker
Bplot. How's the movie so far,
gentlemen? Jump cut chase scene has no
intention of letting you get your
bearings. Rando security guard goes out
like a [ __ ] and gives up his gun so the
scene can have added tension. Jeez, just
call backup, dude. He had no place to
go. They both survived this.
>> GIVE ME YOUR NAME. DAVID PARK.
>> AMAZING. I can remember that after
crashing through a car. Why am I even
alive?
>> David Park. I could throw a fortune
cookie out this one and hit 50
[clears throat] David Parks right now.
That's super racist. Also, that's one
magic fortune cookie. Wait, how did
Okconor get another job after absolutely
[ __ ] the police rulebook the last
movie?
>> Um, it's Letty. She's been murdered.
>> Because you left her alone, most likely.
Also, amazing that her death means so
little to this franchise. It wasn't even
shown on screen. Probably so they can
bring her back later. Everyone in the
movie decides to believe Letty's dead
without seeing a body, which is
convenient beyond words.
>> Facial recognition software matched
Toretto about 10 minutes after he
crossed the border. Thought he'd show.
Even though I supposedly have cop
instincts, there's no reason for me to
check other areas of the cemetery where
he might be watching the funeral. Also,
how is it that you don't have anyone
watching the streets in and around the
cemetery just in case he shows up
anywhere near the area? Out of 360°,
Brian chooses to dramatically look in
the one spot where Dom had actually
been. Cops are staking out this home,
but not the back way, which Dom so
obviously used to sneak in here.
>> They're staking the place out if they
find you.
>> They won't.
>> That's all I have to say about that.
Anyway, cops are dump.
>> Letty wouldn't let them junk it.
>> You mean the cops? Letty wouldn't allow
law enforcement to junk the car. Isn't
it their property after that Brian Dom
drag race at the end of the first movie?
>> I want to see the crash site.
>> I'm going to crack this case because in
addition to being a badass car high sky,
I'm also an honorary Scotland Yards lle
sleuth.
>> If we don't make serious inroads into
the Bragga case in the next 72 hours,
they're going to shut us down because
it's been 2 years and the last three
agents we sent to infiltrate his
organization have come back in body
bags.
>> So basically, the government will be
cool with all his illegal activities
after that because this case is too damn
hard. Also, you sent three other
undercover dudes before sending Brian
undercover god Okconor.
>> Your boy Tretto's red Chevel has been
spotted in his own neighborhood. Going
to bring his ass in.
>> Despite this fact, we'll let him drive
all the way here. And then we're going
to show up after Dom does his Sherlock
Holmes routine because nobody in law
enforcement is worth a [ __ ] Vin Diesel
is fast and curious. Oh [ __ ] he can
actually create memories of an accident
he knows nothing about by merely
standing on this road. He is really good
at deducing.
>> You found something back there.
>> Yes, memories that are not from my own
brain. There were burn marks on the
ground. The kind that could only be
caused by natural meth. There's only one
guy in all of LA that sells that.
>> This is something the detectives
couldn't figure out. This is [ __ ]
police work 101. Also, what a bunch of
[ __ ] One guy. One [ __ ] guy sells
something that is this coveted in the
street racing world. Oneing guy. Sin
city stylized driving shot brought to
you by Sin City.
>> I narrowed it down to 50 or so David
Parks.
>> I want you to throw a fortune cookie at
them like that racist agent was talking
about earlier. See which one flinches.
That's your man. Don't ever put your
hands on me again. Okay. Say hi to your
sister for me.
>> Jesus. What world does this dude live
in?
>> Korean kid brought it in.
>> David Park.
>> Brian might be one of the worst agents
in history. Letty's murder case didn't
lead Brian to the same information Dom
just got. The only guy who sells
nitromemethane in the area. And the one
guy who knows what David Park and his
car look like.
>> I lied to you.
>> Well, no.
>> I lied to Dom. I lied to everybody.
That's what I do best. That's why the
feds recruited me.
>> Brian's amazing lying was so renowned
they recruited him for it. Of course.
How did they know he was a liar if he
was so good at it? And Brian didn't get
in any trouble for letting the girl go
yesterday by tricking the other FBI guy
and faking transfer orders.
>> 98 Saturn, a 95 Sebring, a 98 Nissan 240
with an illegal mod.
>> That's it.
>> Why didn't you plug in all the David
Parks with an illegal mod in the
database and narrow the search time
down? Jesus, do I have to do everything
for you? Fate and the screenwriter have
conspired to get Brian and Dom to
investigate the same guy at the same
exact time.
>> All I can do is get you in the race.
>> What race? guy who was spilling his guts
somehow decides to stop so that this
window breakage can happen. Either that
or Toetto threw him through the window
before giving him time to answer the
question. There is no freaking way Park
was able to hold on to a curtain after
being dangled out of a window by his
feet and then dropped.
>> Connor, do you know the difference
between a cop and a criminal? What? One
bad judgment call.
>> Whether or not you mean to, you're
saying that all cops have avoided making
one bad judgment call, which is
preposterous.
>> We have intel that Bragg's number two.
Raone Campos will hold a street race in
Korea Town tomorrow night to fill a slot
on his team.
>> Let me guess. Winner gets the slot.
>> Did you just say let me guess and then
fill in the rest of the sentence with
information the first dude already said?
This doublefisted montage of Garwork
makes me angry. Are they going to mirror
each other the entire film?
>> You want to park guys?
>> I'm wondering how does a guy who blew
his cover in the first movie get to go
undercover in the same street racing
world a second time with nobody noticing
it.
>> My job is to find the best drivers.
Period. Whoever wins a race gets the
info.
>> This seems like a weird way to get your
trusted drivers. You run one race,
something that could easily end in a
fluke, and that's how you pick people.
Revving, tires, satellite maps.
>> You sure you want to do this?
>> Can he even hear you with all this
noise? Is it possible for a car in only
two wheels to move faster than cars on
four wheels? I'm sure it is, but it
probably requires either sluggishness on
the part of the other drivers or those
two tires touching the ground moving at
a speed twice that of any other car's
tires, which is kooky, right?
>> How my ass love Chia. The 2009 movie
makes a Chia Pet reference, yet we'll
spawn at least three more sequels
because there is no God. No cops were
called in the running of this massively
inconvenient street race. Brian should
definitely have killed some fools here,
but for the power of screenwriting.
>> Sorry, car.
>> And then this car proceeds to bust
through a wooden staircase and down a
hill without stalling or busting tires.
>> At least we know you can't beat me
straight up.
>> I didn't know there were any rules.
>> True that, Dom. It actually makes me
wonder why you guys didn't start racing
immediately before the countdown got to
zero. Wouldn't this kind of race reward
cheaters? Stupid guy is getting his
stupid face arrested during sexual
relations cliche. Wherever this is going
on, cops would be noticing. This is some
loud invasive [ __ ] right here. This
girl's ass is not my girlfriend in this
seat. I mean, this girl is not my ass in
this seat. I mean, this ass is not Oh,
it
>> Yeah, corona.
>> Dom orders without the waitress even
acknowledging him.
>> Let's just stop someone from telling him
you're a cop.
>> Are we still going with the idea that
Dom is the only guy who recognizes
Brian? This guy's feast was everywhere
in that first movie.
>> I also heard you just got out of the
county.
>> When Brian arrested David Park, the race
was the very next night. So, how did
Brian get the just got out of county
street credit? Don't undercover guys
have to actually be in jail for a while
so that it can be verified? They simply
go on Park's Word, which I cannot
believe is how this worked considering
how hard Bragga is to find.
>> Any one of them would die for Braa,
>> including you,
>> especially me.
>> Even though Brian is a dumbass and
doesn't realize it, Braa basically just
gave away his identity. This is the guy
who's so hard to find. This is the guy
who's killed three other FBI guys before
he could be identified.
>> Braa is mine. I'm taking no house down.
and also talking about it in front of a
club full of people you were just told
are so loyal to Braa they'd die for him.
This room with the boss is no longer
important to guard now that a girl with
a hot ass just walked by. How does Brian
know this door isn't leading to a single
dead end room? At which point he'll be
caught by the boss man for snooping.
Answer, heing doesn't. Thankfully for
Brian, everything about the layout of
the rest of this building cooperates
with his eavesdropping. Same here. Don
has no [ __ ] clue where this elevator
will take him, but whatever. Can we just
go back to the three girls kissing?
>> Are you one of those boys who prefers
cars to women? I'm one of those boys
that appreciates a fine body regardless
of the make.
>> Are we at a James Bond film all of a
sudden?
>> A dirty shot glass. Just what I always
wanted.
>> How in the did Brian get into the office
where Braga was drinking without being
seen?
>> So that means I have to contact
individual agencies and that could take
weeks.
>> Fingerprints somehow take weeks of
verification. But hey, that's convenient
for the plot. So that's something we
have going for us.
>> Yep.
>> That's your third traffic violation in
less than three blocks.
>> Is this guy serious? Doesn't he know
what Braa expects from his drivers?
>> He stopped.
>> Thanks, movie narrator. Bad guy gives
potential undercover agents plenty of
time to destroy any bugs they might have
in their cars by making it way too
obvious and not inspecting all the cars
at the exact same time. Also, it makes
you wonder how dumb the other FBI guys
were to get killed by this guy. Also,
luckily, Brian has an unfinished can of
NS in which he can throw this bug.
That's some seriously convenient product
placement right there.
>> I don't have a tally on the target.
Repeat, I don't have a tally on the
target. So, the FBI knows that Brian
went into this one place, but when a
huge truck comes driving out of it, they
don't follow it for any reason. How do
you build a tunnel like this on the
Mexico border without anyone ever
noticing?
>> You're running out of time.
>> Do the drivers who are driving as fast
as they can need anyone telling them to
get out as fast as they can?
>> 70 Plymouth. My name was Letty.
>> Dom spills [clears throat] all his cards
during Mexican desert standoff with bad
guys that have guns. And
>> somebody wrecked a car.
>> I wrecked a car.
>> So, you can tell this is a guy bent on
revenge. Why don't you just go ahead and
kill him right now? Last time I saw it,
it was burning.
>> The dom you have presented in these
movies would crush thiser's neck right
here and now, even if he has some NOS
cigarette lighter bomb ready to explode
soon.
>> COME ON, GET IN THE [ __ ] CAR.
>> SOMEHOW, I'll be able to guide us back
over the Mexican border without my FBI
buddies tracking us, not to mention
border patrol. Wait, Dom is getting in
the Humvey with Brian and leaving
without killing the guy that killed
Letty. What was all that about then? Are
there seriously no cameras on an impound
lot? Then what happens when they drive
out of here in a completely different
car and there's a smash window on the
driver's side? Does the guard say,
"Okay, move along." Bullet's not in
there.
>> Do you have x-ray vision or something?
Corona continues their assault on your
good taste with second egregious product
placement. I have no idea where they are
now. And the sister had to drive to get
to this oil field trailer, but somehow
there is a box full of Lety memories for
Don to sift through. Magic. I wonder how
much of a discount does Campbell's soup
get for product placement that is blurry
as hell but still obvious. Dom knows who
killed Letty, but he's unnecessarily
curious about who she was talking to
before she died so that he and Brian can
fight.
>> SHE DID IT FOR YOU, DOM.
SHE DID IT FOR YOU. Brian waits a stupid
amount of time in this fight to share
the fight stopping information. With a
single fist brush, Brian removes all the
blood caused by 10 punches to the face
Dom threw a second ago.
>> Let's use the shipment to lure Braga out
and mop the head off a multi-billion
dollar cartel.
>> And how do you suggest we do that?
>> A handtohand exchange with Braa. He'll
never show. He can't afford not to.
>> You just said this was a multi-billion
dollar cartel. The shipment you're
talking about is 60 million. Sorry to
say, Braa isn't going to stick his head
out for that. But for the movie, [sighs]
he will. What do you want? It's
>> delivered by Braga himself.
>> Well, that's not a suspicious way of
trying to get Braa at the meeting. Nope,
not at all.
>> Well, Connor hasn't given us a signal
yet. What
>> part of that didn't you understand? We
just got confirmation. Do it
>> because that's how FBI operations are
done. You go against the plan mid-stream
because you got a supposed fingerprint
match in an extremely fluid situation.
This isn't much of a surprise, so I
guess we'll send dramatic irony here.
Machine guns go off in every possible
direction and somehow everyone doesn't
die. This hench girl, for some reason,
runs out and stops in front of her
boss's speeding car. I guess so Don
could save her and she could be in
future sequels. Wait, are you telling me
that absolutely no FBI guys are around
to stop this car just in case this exact
thing happens?
>> He was under your nose the whole time.
>> You know, he's right. He should have
known, but even with intuition, he had
to verify fingerprints, which uh somehow
take weeks to verify, even if you're in
the FBI.
>> To heading south, probably long across
the border by now,
>> despite the fact that we have facial
recognition software that verifies this
type of should know he hasn't crossed
the border yet.
>> The first bad guy you helped escape the
law's grasp.
>> Actually, he is. He's just done it twice
for the same person. Of course, none of
the Angry at Brian FBI agents are
sneaking out to Reto's house because
that would make too much sense.
>> Everyone's looking for you.
>> But not here for some reason. Hey,
you're crying. I've got just the thing
for that. Also, let's [ __ ] right here in
the kitchen because God knows there's no
way your brother Dom will stumble upon
such a horrific sight. If it's so easy
to cross the Mexican border, why all the
drama going through the Batman tunnels
and to get a shipment? Just admit to me
you created that scene through the
tunnels so you could have a cool car
scene. I'm a big boy. You can tell me.
Something about this note passing scene
is keeping me from paying attention to
the note passing. I can't quite put my
finger on it.
>> So, this is where my jurisdiction is.
>> Being that I'm not an FBI agent anymore,
I don't really have jurisdiction
anywhere. I don't even know why I said
that. Well, they aren't all black, but
these are definitely tailgating SUVs.
Two of the three telltale signs of an
evil convoy. Hey, remember what hot
chick I'll never bang said.
>> Going in there is suicide.
>> Yeah, it seems like they got in there
without it being even remotely suicidal.
All of his dudes are out front. And this
is a church, so it has other exits.
>> You and me, we know so different.
>> You and I are not so different. Cliche.
Wait a minute. My evil boss's prayer is
taking too long. I'd better go insert
myself into the plot. Security fail. You
didn't even know about the side
entrance, let alone have a guy guarding
it.
>> You'll make it a couple of miles out if
you're lucky.
>> Your cars, which are souped-up amatrons,
cannot possibly outrun my guy's cars,
which are super duper souped-up
amatrons. [ __ ] fighting.
>> You know where you going?
>> He should, but somehow he'll not have a
proper escape plan.
>> Where you boys at? Are they going to
show up or what?
>> Right after you say this, I'm sure. How
did the bad guys know to show up to this
random spot in the middle of the Mexican
desert? At best, they got a message the
boss was kidnapped and the kidnappers
were headed out of town, but all of them
show up at the same time and correctly
guess which spot outside of town to go
to. How is there aing red station wagon
in on this chase? This is a
multi-billion dollar cartel. God damn
it. Also, how did these dumbass cars
catch up to the souped-up you cars that
Dom and Brian drive? HOW
>> somebody
>> only one evil henchman is smart enough
to know this obvious rule.
>> Dom, end of the tunnel. Let's use the
tunnel.
>> What? He just so happened to be at the
exact same stretch of US Mexican border
as earlier in the movie. How convenient.
Suddenly, all the Mexicans.
>> This might hurt.
>> After one time through these tunnels, he
knows he can smash through the entrance
like this without killing himself. For
all he knew, that entrance was made of
steel. But thankfully, the correct
answer is papier-mâché. Brian waits
entirely too long to do this. Brian
survives this. Um, awkwardness
acknowledged. The last time we saw Dom,
his car got super banged up and a bunch
of cars were wrecking into it and
causing various tunnel block issues.
Now, the car looks essentially brand new
and is driving perfectly without any
issue. Thank god for film editing,
right? That makes people totally forget
like that.
Uh, no. Huge rocks are obviously falling
in front of Dom, but Dom sees your rocks
and raises you infinity impossible
escape. Instead of shooting Brian, this
[ __ ] decides to monologue by kicking.
Brian somehow grabs dude's leg to hold
him in place, but also then isn't
smashed by the impact of Dom's car on
this guy's body.
>> I've listened to the testimony and taken
into special consideration Agent
Okconor's appeal of clemency on behalf
of Mr. Tretto. How does the judge
consider Brian's appeal since he's no
longer an agent and performed an illegal
operation in Mexico as a civilian? What
was the point of that no longer on
active duty scene? Even prisoner
transfer buses drive on interstates with
nobody on them. Man, if heists and
prison breaks were this easy, everyone
would do them. Sorry, disclaimer.
Everyone who's dumb enough to do the
stunts from this movie are already in
the lobby talking about how sick this
movie is.
Previously on Fast and Furious. I said
it before in the last Fast and Furious
and I'll say it again. It's amazing how
many highway crimes have absolutely zero
other traffic on the roads. It's a
perfect day for a prison break. And if I
saw three souped-up cars blasting down
the road while I was transporting
prisoners, I'd probably ready my
shotgun, maybe even stop the bus and put
the odds ever in my favor. Even though
Brian's hitting the brakes, this bus
impact should still have blown that car
off the road. Instead, the bus flips,
the car sticks, and Brian lives.
Clearly, Brian's plan for springing Dom
includes killing Donald. Never mind any
of the non-main character prisoners that
died in this horrific crash. out where
everyone on board has been accounted for
except for one Dominic Tretto.
>> Accounted for? Did anyone die? Is this
the most remarkable bus crash ever? This
news broadcast montage never once
mentions fatalities, which is what the
news lives for.
>> Where Fredo and Okconor are now is
anyone's guess.
>> With the terrible copying we saw in the
last film, couldn't they be in LA having
beers at the Toretto home without law
enforcement knowing about it? Rio porn.
Yep, this [ __ ] head is back.
>> How's it feel?
>> Feels great. Wait a minute. What the are
you talking about? can be on the other
side of a wanted poster.
>> Well, you can't really be on any other
side of a wanted poster, can you? You
can pick any side and you'll still be on
a wanted poster. There's no good side.
This Mia putting the baby to bed scene
couldn't possibly be foreshadowing her
own pregnancy, could it?
>> Elisabi.
>> Oh man, I cannot believe it.
>> It looks like you both could use the
payday.
>> Sure, they're poor. So, naturally, the
only possible action to take is Grand
Theft Auto. I guess it's a good thing
these DEA agents and anyone else on this
train who are Americans are super
unobservant. What with Brian and Mia's
faces plastered everywhere after the
prison break. This stupid heist would
never work. The chances of anyone seeing
your crew alongside the train are much
too high. There are many passengers
facing the backside of the train looking
out windows and would easily see you.
These guys fall on their faces to avoid
being killed by the dangerous sheet of
death they ripped off the train. But in
the next shot, they're standing tall,
looking like conquering heroes, as if
half the crew didn't almost die from
their own stupidity.
>> GT40.
>> Wouldn't the plan be pre-arranged?
Because he says this and isn't careful
enough to think Dom speaks Portuguese.
Dom gets suspicious and the whole plan
blows up in their faces for no reason.
And the method of car theft virtually
guarantees massive damage to all three
vehicles, even though the movie doesn't
think so. This car obviously has
something in it that these guys want.
But why didn't they call some sort of
criminal dibs on it before this robbery
even started? They could have said,
"Look, you can have any car on that
train, but the GT40 is off limits.
>> Change your plans. Wait for my call."
>> They got to Rio yesterday and had no
idea until you stepped on this train car
you were even coming. What pre-arranged
meeting point could you possibly have
under this scenario? Why didn't me at
least pretend to be going the right way
until the [ __ ] on the train were
out of sight? Dom throws this guy to the
floor rather than outside, making this
fight to the death harder for himself.
This movie wants to have everything both
ways. Windows don't matter until they
do. You movie.
>> Yeah. Catch up to the GT40, which has a
huge head start in this clunky ass
vehicle. Thing comes out of nowhere to
impair all the stuff.
>> ACCESS CARD. GET THE ACCESS CARD.
>> COPS here to protect the train don't
have an access card to the train doors.
This guy picks up a crowbar, but he hits
Dom in the back instead of lodging it
into his head or neck and causing major
damage. Maybe this weird vehicle has a
blowtorrch on it. Maybe. But for this
guy getting kicked and driving the
vehicle to be able to reach back and
turn on the blow torch to use as a
weapon. Yeah, I know. Why haven't you
thrown him off the train yet? Brian
survives this. Also, wow, that is a lot
of dead people for our heroes to steal a
few cars. Am I right? This train is this
[ __ ] close to the bridge when Brian
tells Dom about it. But somehow this
will take more than 1 minute of movie
time to actually get there. Car stunts
that aren't possible are one thing.
Humans living through like this over and
over. That's sinful. How are there any
bad guys waiting for them anywhere near
this water? Even if the dude back on the
train radioed it in, how are there
readily available [ __ ] on standby
under the train bridge? All right, I'm
going to leave you in an easily
escapable situation with my worst
henchman on guard. I'll see you later in
the movie. Walmart cuffs random guy with
gun decides that guns don't have
long-range capabilities and points it as
close as possible to Dom's head. It's
easy to look badass when these bad guys
are idiots.
>> Where's Vince?
>> That's a good question.
>> Did Vince even know there was a change
in plans? He was the first dude off the
train and it was only when Dom realized
that the other dudes wanted the GT40
that he changed the plan. There's
something I have to tell you.
>> But I'm sure to be interrupted before I
can say it.
>> THAT WAS YOUR JOB.
>> THE PROBLEM WITH THIS MOVIE IS that we
don't know what the original plan was,
who was supposed to do what, or if the
plan got changed before they got on the
train. They never explained.
>> 500 years ago, the Portuguese and the
Spanish came here.
>> This business deal will require the
history of Brazil in order to move
forward.
>> Almost wish I didn't see that.
>> Why did the bad guys bother with this
huge operation to steal cars if all they
wanted was a chip? They could have hired
a pickpocket and an auto mechanic to
board the train and find the chip and
pulled this job off with way less
problems.
>> I thought the job was for the cars.
>> This whole movie is predicated on the
fact that Dom overheard Zezy say he
wanted the GT40 and got suspicious.
Because of this suspicion, it leads to a
chain of events that didn't need to
happen. Why did Don care if they stole
that particular car or not? Why does he
care if it has a chip in it? Was he
worried that once the bad guys took the
GT40, they were going to get screwed
over or even killed? We don't know.
Nothing is implied or explicitly stated.
>> Wils, I want a list of every place
within 50 mi. Bus crash, prisoner
escape, train accident, Marshall barking
out orders. This movie is the fugitive.
>> The ground rolls into a hard pack and we
lost that track, too.
>> Not necessarily. That road heads up
through the hills into the favllas. It's
all dirt a mile from where you were.
>> Okay, but don't tracks become really
hard to find after a day or so because
of people driving over the dirt and
walking over it. Rio porn too. Fast,
furious, fellatio. I didn't see one damn
dirt road on their way up here. Lots of
cobbled streets and concrete and
whatever you want to call it, but
certainly not something so easy to find
tracks that they went straight to the
hideout.
>> 100 million plus in cash houses. It's
>> how it keeps it off the grid.
>> Wait, what? He's trying to keep the
location of cashous off the grid and has
commissioned a custom computer chip and
software interface that is then plugged
into regular devices. That puts it on
the [ __ ] grid. Just use ink and
paper. It does not get any more off the
grid than that. Once again, [ __ ]
don't bother finding the other potential
exits and guarding them before going in
for an attack. How did he miss? Two full
minutes of discount born ultimatum.
>> This is the third time someone's pulled
a gun on Dom this close to him. DSS guys
shoot everyone except one of the main
bad guys.
>> Let's go.
>> By the way, I'm pregnant. Oh, forget it.
Brian and Mia survived this.
Dom did not lose this freaking necklace.
Last time we saw him, it was perfectly
fine around his neck and no danger of
slipping off.
>> I'm pregnant.
>> Well, maybe I did just jump off of a
roof into another roof a minute ago, but
last time I checked, pregnant. All these
guys are names on a list. They come up,
we take them down. Not a phone call,
more, not a bullet less.
>> Whatever that means. I know you mean we
don't ask any further questions, but
that's just silly.
>> Anything else?
>> Yeah, we tracked the owner off the
vehicle ID,
>> which we should have already known
considering they were in the DEA's
possession just a day ago.
>> That's just it. I don't remember [ __ ]
about my dad.
>> Sudden character backstory is sudden and
cliche and considering the pending baby.
Super convenient. It's sudden vignion
cliche.
>> We're going to do one last job. We're
going to take all of Reyes's money.
Here's the Fast and Furious franchise
officially turning the keys over to
Oceans 11.
>> We're going to take all of Rey's money,
every dime of it, and disappear.
>> Why not just disappear? Wouldn't that be
easier and safer? I guess you might need
money to start a new life somewhere, but
Jesus, if you're that addicted to
stealing, I think I'm going to have to
start considering you the bad guys of
this series. Oh, I see. You're going to
take the three or four weeks to debate
on the right guys, then contact them,
then wait for them to get to Rio, and
then take down the crime boss you have
no real beef with whatsoever. Oh [ __ ]
Tyrese dragged this movie into this
[ __ ] didn't he? Also, how are you going
to coordinate and communicate with all
these people while The Rock is actively
seeking you out? And what? None of your
former associates are being bugged or
followed or anything?
>> Sexy legs, baby girl. What time do they
open?
>> Jesus, even we wouldn't say some
[ __ ] like this, but movie gets away
with it because I have no idea. Also,
this is a convergence of all the
franchises. Now we have Too Fast Too
Furious and Tokyo Drift thrown into this
mess. Eventually, they'll all be joined
by the Expendables
>> cuz we got a job. Instead of escaping
Rio, we've decided to target the biggest
crime boss in the city and steal his
money. We think that's justifiable
because one time we tried to steal a car
that he wanted to steal and he chained
us up for a bit before we escaped. Don't
ask any questions, just listen. This is
what constitutes security at this place.
Guy owns the whole city and he can
afford security cameras on the outside
of the building to make sure something
like this doesn't happen. Meanwhile, he
has four on the naked counting chicks.
>> Random Reyes soldier plays the pronoun
game with Reyes so that he has to ask
who the hell they are. cousins.
>> There's no reason to simply up the
security or have more guys guarding it.
Nope. Just put it all in one place. Why
not?
>> If he's moving into a police station,
he's got some serious brass in his
pocket.
>> Kind of makes you wonder why he bothers
with 10 different secret money houses if
he can just openly stash his cash in the
police station.
>> This just went from mission impossible
to mission freaking sanity.
>> Yeah, earn that paycheck, Tyrese.
>> Enhance it.
>> Zoom in and enhance cliche.
>> Their faces are covered.
>> Run it through FRS.
>> Facial recognition software. But you
just said their faces were covered. The
beauty of public offices, public
records.
>> Even in Brazil, it took the US until the
Freedom of Information Act for most to
become public. And even then, I'm not
sure police station blueprints count.
>> He says Caucasian. That's a tan.
>> No, it's tan.
>> Jesus Christ. So, of course, the box
that Tyrese brings in goes right in the
room with a safe because whenever you
make a stupid plan with 1% chance of it
working, it works. If you had a [ __ ]
camera robot in this box, then why even
go to the trouble of trying so hard or
at all to get them to let you into the
evidence room physically? Was it just to
create some [ __ ] comic relief? Also,
these cops on the take from billionaire
crime lord don't have cameras in the
evidence room that contains his vault of
billions in order to see this RC car
movie depicts exactly what it's like
watching these movies.
>> Okana, let's go get some cars.
>> Okay, but just as a reminder, this is
all just for revenge. You're doing all
this to steal from a dude that [ __ ]
with you one time over a car that you
were in the act of stealing. Thinnest
premise ever. Yes, let's collectively
enjoy the hot asses of girls who aren't
my sister that you knocked up. Word on
the street is a lot of people looking
for you two.
>> And yet
>> what? You didn't think we'd recognize
you
>> after the last movie? No, actually. We
assume Brian was unrecognizable to the
street racing world since they let him
back in undercover after he [ __ ] over
everyone in the first film. But
whatever, just get to the race already.
>> Car for car.
>> You want to come and get it?
>> If the feds IDed his car from a traffic
cam, how the is Dom able to drive it
anywhere in this city without being
found? Aren't they searching for it via
satellite every 15 minutes?
>> Where'd you get that from? Papa Smart.
>> Okay, Tyrese, we need to talk. I'm
beginning to wonder if you even deserve
to keep earning paychecks. Please call
me. The highly wanted Dom and Brian
being tracked by the entire Rio police
force and the DSS can not only find a
space where no one can find them, it's
also big enough to simulate the police
station they're about to rob.
>> Oh, look. While the feds are actively
hunting you with satellites, you can
have a ginormous safe delivered to some
warehouse without anyone anywhere
getting suspicious.
>> There's still another problem. Palm
scanner,
>> which I somehow didn't notice despite my
zoomed-in RC car camera view of the
thing. More Rio porn. Fast five gang
bang. Hobbs specifically told his crew
he wanted them to follow Reyes to the
point of knowing how much he shakes it
when he goes to the bathroom. Nobody
from the DEA here today. Ah, not only
did you stop for a change of clothes,
you also made sure to choose fingerprint
friendly material. Nice.
>> So, did he just like slap that ass or
did he like grab and hold on to it?
>> I know you're kidding, but no. It was
like he was actually trying to help you
rob him with the way he touched her ass.
>> Guys, guys, guys, we have a problem.
>> And the whole team just got burnt.
>> You mean just now? That's convenient
since we saw all of you getting
investigated 17 minutes ago in movie
time, which is like an eternity in real
time. This did not just happen despite
the movie wishing it did.
>> Roman's right. Think we need to get some
fresh air.
>> You people did not speak this vaguely.
You just wanted the audience to wonder
what he meant.
>> Who's got a hit? 70s charger.
>> The [ __ ] How did this thing not work
properly the night of the street race
earlier?
>> You turn around and put your hands
behind your back.
>> I don't think so.
>> Seems like he could have waited this out
and got Dom and Brian later when there
weren't so many people around, but
that's just me. This is Brazil.
>> Something that Hob's local agent, Elena,
should have been able to tell him. But
seeing how Hobbs talks to her, she
probably thinks she's a 1950s housewife
at this point. Guys, I don't know if you
realize it, but this is the moment when
the stars of the Pacifier and Tooth
Fairy finally squared off. The only
reason this necklace [ __ ] is in the
movie is so that Dom could have another
I missy scene with a woman who misses
her husband. And they really shot for
the moon on their helicopter shot budget
for this movie, didn't they?
>> The only way we're going to beat the
cameras is with invisible cars.
>> And I know just where to get them. If
it's so easy to steal cop cars, why
didn't they do this in the first place?
Meanwhile, security at a souped-up cop
car mecca is extremely lax. They
probably fed the dog steaks, slipped the
guard sleeping pills in their coffee,
and found a way for security cameras to
not exist.
>> Next, too late.
>> These [ __ ] idiots are actually going
to drag race stolen police cars in Rio
right now. Also, isn't this a pretty
stupid race? Aren't all four of these
cars identical? Shouldn't this end in a
four-way tie? Welcome to a world with
zero rules, ladies and gentlemen. My
brain has officially ended itself
watching this scene. I mean, does Rio
have a strict nobody out past 900 p.m.
curfew or some [ __ ] Here's Mia, wanted
by Brazilian and US forces openly
shopping in a public market because
screw you. We'll do what we want.
>> Vince, what are you doing?
>> Quiet. They've been tracking you.
>> Oh, I see. Mia is being followed by the
drug lord soldiers, not the cops and by
Vince conveniently.
>> Grace's guys were waiting for me at the
market.
>> And that's all they were doing. Just
sitting there waiting until Vince showed
up to save me. I don't know why they
haven't started tracking you [ __ ]
yet, but enough of that. Hey, Vince. Dom
agrees to let Vince take part in the
heist, which is fine. A nice family
moment, but doesn't that mean the entire
plan has to be reworked to include him?
Or at least he needs to spend all night
studying to learn his role? Family is
one thing, but this is sort of careless
if you ask me.
>> We're less than 24 hours from the
biggest celebration of our life.
>> Movie that is over 2 hours long has time
for a long premature celebration scene.
>> Hey, wait, wait, hold on a second. So,
did he just smack the ass or did he grab
him?
>> Haha. That's an inside joke that we
don't know the context for, but
hilarious nonetheless. Took me a while
to find that tracking chip,
>> which had little or no bearing on the
story. Also, this doesn't explain how
they all of a sudden know where the
hideout is, despite the fact that they
should have found it way earlier in this
movie. Super important cop mission goes
out the window for mono fisticuffs. How
the did they know the DSS people were
going to drive through here? Also, does
this movie know that it just stole a
page from Clear and Present Danger? A
movie where the villain was played by
the exact same actor who plays the
villain in this movie. Look how many
poor people in this poor part of Rio
haveing satellite television. And how
much does it cost there for American
only Dish Network? This ambush rescue
seems to have a high likelihood of
killing the people being rescued.
Movie's long string of unconsequences
continues. But I'm sorry, I fell asleep
there for a minute. What's going on? Did
we win? Somehow all this guy's men died
in the shootout, but he lived, which is
probably only because he already had
lines in the movie or something. Vince
got shot, and the movie actually expects
me to feel bad about it. Hideout eulogy.
Meanwhile, all the other good guy
thieves are halfway through the police
station heist, right? I mean, how much
time has passed since they tore out of
here?
>> It's a suicide mission. That's your man
over there on the table. Yeah, but the
original plan didn't even include him,
right?
>> Amen.
>> You saved my life, so the law no longer
matters. And in fact, I'm going to break
that law with you.
>> We can't just go sneaking around
anymore.
>> You weren't even sneaking around at all.
You were brazenly shopping in street
markets and participating in street
races. Hell, it's a good thing that all
of these police officers are bad guys,
and none of them are actually just
innocent men protecting the police
station, because this might seem rash.
All that nonsense about hairpin turns
and fast cars avoiding video cameras,
and the movie is going to ultimately
have them steal the entire safe through
to cable brute force. Because if you're
still watching, you certainly don't
care. Why wasn't the original plan to
get an armored vehicle and do this? A
couple of fast muscle cars can just pull
how much was it ludicrous?
>> 10 tons of top-of-the-line security
>> out of a [ __ ] wall. Can't we agree at
this point that this is where the cars
would flip over from, you know, all the
physics? I'd complain about the terrible
aim, but I'm more concerned about this
zillion ton safe being dragged by two
Americanmade cars.
>> Well, the plan's working. You guys have
every corrupt cop in Rio on your tail.
>> How do you know that all of them are
corrupt? Some of these guys, I don't
know, might just be doing their job. Dom
and Brian very likely kill lots of
people and cause millions of dollars of
property damage because they're trying
to get back at a guy who just wanted a
computer chip from a car seized by the
DEA. I'm still trying to figure out if
this plot is even real. They're now
pulling a safe that is crashing through
a store. I wish this safe were
magnetized so we could watch with
hilarity as they pulled all the cars and
boats and planes and jewelry and
basically all that from Spider-Man 2.
Now Domcar is pulling the safe and the
other car by itself because there's a
great disturbance in the force. Not the
Star Wars force, mind you. The force
described by Isaac Newton is disturbed.
Brian laughs because he doesn't yet
realize how many innocent people he's
killed during the scene. Anytime this
cadre of police officers chasing Brian
and Dom want to shoot for the tires is
okay with me. Why are they still firing
guns anyway when that's been proven
ineffective in this movie?
>> LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, PLEASE.
>> Please cut another check to Mr. Gibson.
>> Wow, that's like murder. How has no one
in this movie said the word hemi yet? It
was always the [music] plan.
>> Take care of Mia.
>> How was it always the plan when the
original plan before The Rock came on
board did not involve you dragging the
safe out of town like this. Also, Hero
sacrifices himself to save the others.
Cliche. I guess this is entertaining for
many people with nothing being grounded
in any realism at all. We just accept
that Dom's pulling a 10-tonon safe with
this one car right now, maneuvering in
such a way that he can guide the safe
anywhere he wants it to go. I think this
movie is basically just telling you,
"Relax. It's only a movie." Which I
hate. Now, the safe and all its weight
and momentum can suddenly pull Dom's car
in another direction. I guess it was
waiting for the movie to allow it to do
what it should have done way back at the
police station. Guy about to shoot
another guy gets shot at the last second
by some surprise exmachina [ __ ]
cliche.
>> It's a hell of a mess.
>> Beyond all the damage to Rio and all the
likely fatalities, we're now left with a
Rio that currently has no living police
department. To put the kid from Die Hard
with a vengeance, it's Christmas. You
could steal city hall.
>> Just come tomorrow, I will find you.
>> He's already allowed them to do this
crash the safe through Rio thing. He
doesn't owe them anything anymore. His
character in no way benefits from
letting them have 24 hours to go play
hide-and-seek. Hobbs lets these guys go
and doesn't check the safe until after
they're gone.
>> You guys just carved out a 10second
window.
>> A 10-second window to unload a 10-tonon
safe into a garbage truck and switch it
with another 10-tonon safe before anyone
notices. And despite your considerable
driving skills, something you've never
practiced in your life is going to go
off without a hitch and fool everyone.
So, you somehow plan this [ __ ]
discreetly in a matter of minutes after
the rock join the cause, which is
complete [ __ ] Cop that tried to
bust our heroes ends up respecting them
so much he laughs upon learning they got
away with a cliche. I know they've been
given 24 hours, but I can't believe
Hobbs doesn't raid this hideout again.
Part of the deal was that they couldn't
take the money and he knows they
switched the safes, but he decides to
lay off for some stupid reason. Let that
be a lesson to you kids. Stealing is
totally okay as long as you steal from a
bigger head than yourself. Unearned
romantic coupling. Aw, they got together
because their significant others died,
didn't they? But they have so much in
common beyond the tragic deaths that
tied them together.
>> You need to look at that.
>> The irony is we are looking at that, but
Hobbs can't look at that because she's
turned the wrong way. Well, well,
Letty's not dead. I'm sure there will be
some terrific explanation for this
considering that dude Phoenix from the
last movie asked Dom, "You remember?
Last time I saw it, it was burning."
>> Probably just a twin sister or
something. Poor long lost, previously
unknown and dead twin sister.
Comcast least original film franchise
continues to be produced by ironically
named company. Here's yet another Fast
and Furious road with no one on it but
our main characters.
>> You're going to be a great father,
Brian. Wait, did they drag race just to
be here for the child birth? Is there
ever a time these guys think, you know
what, today is not a day to risk my
life. Let's carpool in a Miata for once.
>> Let's go for a little ride.
>> Fast and Furious flashback montage
opening credit sequence.
>> Riley Hicks read your file.
>> Now I'm going to read the file out loud
to the audience.
>> Is that legal?
>> No.
>> But we'll let it slide because it's
awesome. Their sex is made better by
remembering their former lovers deaths.
>> It wasn't that hard to find you, Tretto.
This surprise visit brought to you by
Under Armour.
>> I need your help, Dom. I need your team.
>> Well, it should be easy to pry them away
from their retired millionaire lives in
order to take down a crew that does the
exact same illegal things they did to
become millionaires in the first place
just because your old girlfriend is
involved. I am not the director of
photography on this movie. Everyone at
this table enjoys a nice Coca-Cola
except one who ordered it, popped the
top, and then just left it full. movie
expects me to believe this kind of third
world ATM rigging [ __ ] is possible.
[music]
>> Despite the fact that it's in some sort
of container where I can't actually see
the food right now. So glad to see these
two I didn't care about from the last
movie are still together.
>> Starting a life together.
>> Aren't we doing that?
>> Maybe. But something tells me this
conversation is going to get interrupted
by something. So you can't answer this
right now. Also, clearly you aren't
since Tokyo Drift technically comes
after this movie and you aren't in it.
So clearly you're going to die at least
until the franchise needs you back. Is
this a situation these two have been in
enough in order to get into formation?
And if so, how many times did it work
when they were completely surrounded?
>> No franchise in history has done as much
to push beer as this one.
>> Letty's dead.
>> Somehow, despite the fact that I was in
the FBI when she died, and she was
working for me at the time, I don't have
any real evidence of her dead body for
some reason. And don't give me that
because someone else is body burned and
they couldn't verify it. [ __ ]
either. I'm wondering if she really
died. Sunset,
>> her target's Owen Shaw,
>> depicted here in the middle of a
military operation having his picture
taken like he's on vacation.
>> Hey, man.
>> Of course, this secret meeting warehouse
garage has vending machines because why
wouldn't it? something about
my house.
>> And there was no quieter or safer way to
tell you that
>> we getting paid, right?
>> Yeah, you'll definitely earn that
paycheck. Tyrese, I know this place is
surrounded by police, but do you put a
wire on someone out in the open like
this?
>> I just got confirmation on Shaw. They're
going in.
>> Arresting one man requires all the
Interpol.
>> Police scanners are saying alarms are
going off at Interpol headquarters.
>> You brought us here so you could take
down Interpol.
>> Because much like the police station in
Bad Boys, Interpol decided to empty
their entire station to go after one
dude.
>> Guys, it's a ghost town over here. which
is notable because that has been the
case in every other previous movie as
well. How did Shaw rig all these columns
with explosives that nobody could see?
They'd have to be inside the columns,
right? How do you manage that?
Especially in the time he had. Interpol
decides in a major operation that
roadblocks are for suckers. Man, bullets
in these movies are worthless.
>> Sure. We have three cars tailing us.
>> You know what to do.
>> You want me to blow all three drivers?
How are any of our heroes cars fit for
driving after the hail of machine gun
fire they just endured? Shaw is like a
more villainy Batman with all sorts of
wonderful toys, but this weapon makes
you unable to control your car. That's
it. All sorts of explosive technology
could be implemented here, but this will
just end up causing a wreck, which these
guys survive all the time. And oh yeah,
he survives this.
>> Oh je,
>> what just now? Brian ninja drives, so
this car grenade thing gets knocked off,
which is [ __ ] regardless, but is
extra [ __ ] since it was launched in
the front bumper where he could never in
a million years see it to know its
location well enough to do that.
>> Approaching rendevous point. Doesn't
that mean you both left at specific
times and drove at specific speeds
despite traffic and police interference
to get here at the same time?
Wrecks are meaningless. This hench girl
is not amazed by Brian's survival.
However, it is a perfect opportunity to
wink at him and establish superiority.
Running into things simply does not
matter.
You also Hobbs jumps out of his vehicle
and lands on a car that while he's in
midair should be long gone due to things
like science. They were not only able to
survive the crashes, but recover the
cars and drive back with no problem.
>> You don't turn your back on family, even
when they do.
>> What? But if they did, then they aren't
family anymore. According to this motto,
right? Somehow, despite never really
seeing their faces or knowing their
names, this crew is able to find all the
heroes rap sheets with no information
whatsoever.
>> You might want to see this.
>> A picture that is strangely a surprise
despite the fact that the blonde chick
neatly stacked all this evidence into
one big file before presenting it to the
team.
Shaw somehow even has a screenshot of a
moment from the firsting movie.
>> Yeah, that's the guy I shot.
>> It's weird that I'm in this picture,
too, but I chose not to acknowledge
that.
>> I don't remember him.
>> Amnesia.
>> You heard that flip car going through
those gears.
>> It's a quaint transmission.
>> That didn't sound like a normal engine.
>> Oh, I guess everyone in this scene gets
at least one line. How democratic. Also,
this is a scene that could have used a
nice long take. This scene is cut to
death and we're not even in a confusing
action sequence, but I guess a long take
would have required everyone remembering
their line. We find the guy who made
that car. We find Shaw
>> because underground auto mechanics who
build custom Batmobiles just happen to
know the address of extremely careful
international criminals.
>> Kitchen help entrances towards the back.
>> This unnecessary prejudice person
assumes entirely too much for the
audience's amusement.
>> I don't mean any offense, gentlemen.
>> This entire scene means offense to me.
>> Clearly, you're not a baller.
>> This man's face goes way too unpunched
for me.
>> What's the dude playing on hunting? Obby
dick
>> paycheck Tyrese.
>> It's specific to one handgun. the PSM.
>> Everything in the Fast and Furious world
comes from one freaking source. Making
investigations look so easy. I just
passed the FBI exam, sitting in my
apartment masturbating at porn.
>> After a handful of truly terrible line
readings, Gina Carano finally explains
her reason for being in this film.
Basher, so this guy's comeuppance is
that he has to give his clothes to The
Rock. Prejudice is fought one garment at
a time, ladies and gentlemen. Also, this
scene where they bully this guy into
taking off his shirt is so Michael Bay
it makes me ask, how can people pile on
the Michael Bay Transformers hate train
and still defend this [ __ ] series
here? What is it that makes you see them
as different?
>> Damn, you need some hedge clippers for
that.
>> Hilarity.
These women somehow miss the obvious
beep this phone makes. Doesn't the
gaping hole in this window negate the
purpose of having such a secure boot?
Also, he keeps his weapons just far
enough away to be useless in a pinch.
>> What if she's a street racer?
>> Where can we find her?
>> How do I know?
>> These guys actually went to a pawn shop
expecting the owner to know anything of
the whereabouts of the woman who came in
to buy guns from him earlier. I guess
you follow every lead, but this is
extremely worthless movie-wise. Is this
how you execute people? God, these are
supposed to be professionals. Seriously,
did we need to bring Braa back? Also,
this spits out one helpful name before
dying because he totally rethought his
life choices in the last 30 seconds and
became a good guy. Totally.
This is one of the only gunshots in this
entire franchise to be super accurate.
Dude, you had all the space on the right
side. It's not like you needed to run in
one direction the whole time. The
Bobbies go out like little [ __ ] and
of course try to apprehend him one by
one and don't call for backup. Michelle
Rodriguez sort of holds her own in a
fight with Gina Corano. Guy who was
running from these two a minute ago
suddenly feels the need to stay here and
fight more dudes and waste more time.
[screaming] Both women survive this
without paralysis. Meanwhile, somehow no
other cops have been called to the scene
and this fight has gone on for ages.
Train that is just now leaving because
it's convenient exmachina. Well, they
got their asses kicked. Makes you wonder
how they survived those massive wrecks
with absolutely no injuries.
>> If Ivory is dead, he made a mistake.
Letty's been working with this guy for a
while now and is just now coming to the
shocking conclusion that he's not that
sentimental.
>> Braa will know what Shaw is up to. I'm
going to pay him a visit.
>> Don't they have that dude's cell phone,
though? He punched a button and it
called one of Shaw's men. Can't you find
out a lot more from this cell phone than
you can by flying into the US and
risking arrest just to talk to Braa?
Funny how we never see anyone actually
drinking NS in these movies, but there
are always cans on display.
>> I'm the one that served her up to Braa
>> and then did a shitty job actually
investigating anything related to her
death. I'm actually a bad guy and good
guy as it turns out.
Hand shaking contest.
>> Tell me something, O' Connor. How is it
you keep running around the world
breaking every law known to man and yet
here I am putting my job on the line for
you?
>> These guys never got along in the fourth
Fast and Furious movie and there was no
"Hey man, I hate you, but I respect you
scene." And we're supposed to believe
that this FBI guy gives a [ __ ] about
nabbing Shaw, who's won by Interpol and
does most of his crime outside America.
Also, why couldn't Hobbs pull some
strings on this? Better yet, why doesn't
he get somebody to talk to Bragga?
>> It's a 24-hour hole. You need to be out
of there by 9:00 a.m. That's when
forensics will run your fingerprints to
the national database.
>> Not to mention, that's when all the
[ __ ] who saw your face plastered all
over TV during the last movie will
suddenly recover from their memorabs
that you're a highly wanted fugitive
named Brian Okconor.
>> Man, man, this guy would be excellent at
cinema sense. Movie is full of
unbelievable [ __ ] but this harpoon
gag may be the hardest for me to
swallow.
>> So, tell me something because I buried
her.
>> Well, no, you didn't. In fact, this is
the first time you've even acknowledged
you were around her dead body. Did they
not have DNA, dental records, or any
kind of real identification? And again,
don't give me that some other body burn
beyond recognition [ __ ]
>> Humor me, please.
>> You're a dead man walking. What does it
matter? I ran everything for Shaw.
>> Villain spills evil plan details to his
enemy instead of just killing him.
Phoenix decides, nah, I won't shoot her
directly. I'll let a violent expansion
or bursting with noise decide this.
>> Shaw found her in the hospital two days
later. He went to finish the job.
>> What told Shaw to go to the hospital?
Did Phoenix find this guy Shaw who was
not his boss in Fast and Furious and
tell him, "Man, I blew up this car and
I'm pretty sure Letty died, but you
might want to go check the local
hospitals and see if she turned up
because I did not verify whether or not
she died." Also, this hospital had no
idea who Letty was. Didn't call any law
enforcement whatsoever. An international
criminal Shaw was just hanging around LA
looking for random tough street racing
chicks. This is some [ __ ] just to
get Letty back in the franchise because
he's a main character. Movie will now
allow Brian to win this unwininnable
prison shiv fight. How do you think he
knows your next move before you make it?
He's got eyes on you.
>> I'm dying, so I might as well tell you
oh everything. Also, so far we've seen
nothing that Shawn knows anything about
what's coming when it comes to Brian and
Dom's crew. In the last scene, the only
reason he knew was because this dude
called them. In the scene before that,
they didn't even know who they were.
This is setting up the big Riley
surprise later, but she's done a poor
job telling Shawn Jack 10 full seconds
of a nighttime London establishing shot.
Bravo movie. Bravo. Every damn one of
these pre- street racing scenes are the
exact damn same. For all I know, they
shot this for Too Fast Too Furious and
inserted it into this movie. Also,
didn't you spend time in this film
talking about the Big Brother
surveillance state of London? Maybe some
street races take place, but neon dance
parties with this many people would be
quashed in a hurry.
>> Ready? Ready?
>> Ready to drive? Sure. But can you tell
me what the course is? Cuz I literally
just got here. It's goddamn Piccadilly
Circus, and only one cop shows up to
track these illegal street racers down.
Come on. We need to stop street racing
so we can stop this movie in its tracks
even further by having an intimate
moment.
>> Just because you know how I ride doesn't
mean you know me.
>> People with amnesia shouldn't say like
this to people that obviously know them.
>> Nice scar like this scar in here.
>> Scar history.
>> What else do you know about me?
>> I know your favorite sexual positions,
your favorite beer, your tattoos and
birtharks. Jesus woman. What's it going
to take for you someone with amnesia to
be open to the idea that someone else
knows you very well? Some kid [snorts]
trying to show off lost control of his
car wiped out right next to you. You're
lucky you didn't lose your arm.
>> Is this girl's entire backstory filled
with surviving odds defying ridiculous
car accidents? Okay, I've been giving
her a hard time for not trusting him
more. But trusting him this much for a
sexy hair touch now she's trusting too
much.
>> How about this one?
>> What the Okay, I'm now in camp. You're
trusting him way too much right now?
>> Predictable means vulnerable. And that
means I can reach out and break you
whenever I want. So do it.
>> At least when I go, I'll know what it's
for.
>> That's deep.
>> It appears this inspiring tale has come
to an end.
>> If that's the way it has to go.
>> Does Hobbs, who is behind Dom, know
there's a laser sight pointed at him?
Because he did that right on Q. And
since he tracked Dom here, why didn't he
bring more people to arrest Shaw right
now? Good god, man. I would have won
this already.
>> You know what would have happened if I
didn't put that tracker in your car?
>> Not to mention spending 5 minutes with
Letty discussing scar tissue. You were
able to track Shaw after you left you
and Dom. But this guy's smart, so we can
only track him so far.
>> If only we had more people who aren't
doing anything right now who could have
been there when Shaw went to go kill
Dom. If only we had people who were like
really awesome drivers who could maybe
have followed him or even better been
there to stop him from getting in his
car in the first place. Damn. Oh well.
Back to the digital surveillance. So you
think you've got Shaw located and you're
going in with two people holding
revolvers. Rock looks down at the exact
spot where the crucial evidence is.
Haha. Funny, but how many Marvel
characters is Dwayne Johnson supposed to
be in this movie? He's Captain America.
>> Well, somebody tell Captain America
here. That requires clearance.
>> Now he's Thor. Next up, Black Widow.
>> Yeah, that paint you got from Shaw's
place highly specialized.
>> Of course it is.
>> Fine. Whatever you find out. That's for
you.
>> Discount Morpheus. Also, Brian's highly
risky, impossible trip to the US to find
Braa was basically so he could find out
what he already knew. And it's that Lady
didn't die, got amnesia, and was
recruited by Shaw. Plus some [ __ ]
Braa didn't even have to volunteer.
>> Braa said the only way you get near Shaw
is if he wants you to.
>> Information that was strangely
volunteered without any good reason, but
will help us now. Also, Braa is to be
trusted completely. That goes without
saying, right? Former cartel leader. I
mean, this guy knows his [ __ ] right?
>> Sh ain't hitting [music] that base.
>> He's hitting the convoy.
>> Great. Now, call Hobbs on the phone or
radio and tell him that. Then, problem
solved, right? Right. So, you think a
huge heavily armed criminal is coming
for this thing, and you decide to move
it with two personnel trucks as the only
backup.
>> Let's go.
>> Military personnel carrying an important
component did not notice this military
grade vehicle behind them clearly up to
no good.
>> What caused this truck to start rolling
on the ground like that? Also, good guy
truck goes flying off bridge, but other
good guys driving cargo truck with
obvious rearview side mirrors don't
notice it. These everyday drivers in
front of aing tank blowing through
military vehicles on the highway are not
in any way amazed or concerned.
>> So, who's got a plan B?
>> Plan B? Plan B? We need a plan CPE. WE
NEED MORE ALPHABETS.
>> That's ludicrous.
>> Hey, we do what we do best.
>> Defy the laws of physics.
>> We improvise. All right.
>> Oh, also that still leaves all of you
doing your own thing and guessing. Why
not at least talk through the
improvisational plan? Also, we'll
improvise a wholeing special place on
the highway where we can magically turn
around and follow them.
>> You lucky bastard. Lucky that you missed
or lucky that the [ __ ] tank
that's been absolutely destroying cars
merely bumps into Roman's car after you
miss.
>> SOMEBODY BETTER DO SOMETHING. I GOT A
TANK ON MY ASS.
>> Earn that paycheck, Ty. You will believe
a man can fly.
>> Lety go take care of the cable.
>> You need to be outside when the tank
gets thrown so something really [ __ ]
can happen to save your life.
>> Why would a [ __ ] tank be impeded in
any way by the weight of a single
Mustang? Wouldn't the cable break before
the Mustang stops the tank?
This movie is fast and spirious.
This movie took an interesting twist
because the remainder of it will be
about how Dom and Letty helped their
friends in the afterlife. Because though
they appear to be living right now, I
assure you they died. Homs and his
helicopter arrive way too late to
matter, but only because cell phones and
radios don't exist in this universe for
just this 10-minute stretch.
>> Can't believe they stole a 70 ton tank
for a 3oz computer chip.
>> Okay, so 70 tons. That tank 70 tons.
were in any way slowed down or stopped
by a [ __ ] mustang. [ __ ] you in the
ear movie.
>> Nobody makes me do anything I don't want
to.
>> Except Shawn, the entirety of this movie
until this point. But yeah, I hear you.
>> So, what's our next adventure after
this?
>> Marriage.
>> How did you know that there would be a
car there to break our fall?
>> Honey, that is really the most minor of
the questions that you should be asking
as to why you survived all that [ __ ]
we just saw 3 minutes ago.
>> Some things you just have to take on
faith
>> one quarter mile at a time. So, he's got
me a hostage. Great. Doesn't the greater
good still demand they don't let him go
right now? I mean, I like Mia, too, but
let's use our heads here, people.
>> But this changes nothing.
>> H's character changes whenever the
script needs to be good, bad, or
somewhere in between.
>> Words like amnesty and pardon. Walk out
with him.
>> We're six movies in. I don't think it
matters whether or not these [ __ ]
are wanted by cops.
>> Come in, babe.
>> Of course.
>> This so-called surprise only serves to
make me even angrier about this movie.
Also, yeah, like you didn't have use for
her anymore. planted inside Hob's crew.
Do you need the surprise reveal now?
Why? She can join you at any time. It
should be noted that during Hob's dumb
surprise that Riley is not a good
person. He's not holding a gun to the
NATO guy anymore. These bad guys are
completely in the open and can be shot.
But I guess they really care about Mia
like the audience does. Actually, I
think the past 40 minutes of this movie
probably needs an extra hundred sins for
no reason. Everyone cool with that? No.
Too bad. This movie is really, really
hard to swallow on any basis, even if
it's just a fun, stupid movie. It's kind
of hilarious that Gina Carano, the worst
actor in this movie, ends up playing the
surprise mole. A character that would
have to be the best actor among them to
actually pull off the job.
>> I just jammed every signal up and down
the spectrum. Let's move.
>> So, your plan is to go after and attack
a guy that you just had right in front
of you with none of the he has a hostage
situation changed whatsoever. Why
couldn't you jam the signal before he
left and just shoot his ass?
>> That ain't a plane, that's a planet.
>> Yeah, Tyrese. Oh, this runway is long
enough for a plane to land board moving
cargo and I presume take off again.
Since this movie has no regard for
common sense,
>> she's as good as dead if Shaw gets away
on that plane.
>> Just in case you or anyone in the
audience needed reminding of that,
>> ride or die.
>> Now that I've hit my already as far as
it goes gear shift, I'm really going to
start driving fast. They brought Mia all
the way here. But why? Meanwhile, these
[ __ ] don't close the ramp or guard
it, allowing easy access for Dom to
speed to the rescue. If these vehicles
are going 60 mph, then this runway is
already over 2 mi long.
This is a chick who just got crashed by
a car. By the way, this fight is
interesting because you already fought
once, but you were both on the same
side, so all that was pretend. Or did
Letty not know that this chick was a
double agent, which means this fight is
just a rehash, and I'm going to call you
lazy.
>> Don't you have a lot less weight than
you were expecting? Some of the bad guys
in their jeeps did make it into the
plane, and only Dom's car drove in. So,
what a bunch of [ __ ] is what I'm
saying. You took that harpoon thing with
you? How convenient. If the plane and
cars chasing it are going at least 60
mph, and they are, then this runway is
now over 4 m long. Dom knew that a
precisely timed headbutt would knock
this guy so far back it'd knock him out
and save Brian at the same time. Two
heavy cars drive off the plane, but the
pilots still can't get the plane in the
air. They probably forgot about that
weight nonsense when they made this
scene. Everything about this mission is
rescuing Mia, who is now rescued, so
naturally Brian drives her right back
into the action.
[screaming]
That's
>> right.
>> Also, Brian just knew this ramp car
hitting him would merely pop him up in
the air harmlessly because he's Batman.
>> Wherever this [ __ ] came from, man, I
no longer have any clue what the is
going on. I'm still pretty mad lady.
Runway now at 6 milesi and counting if
you're keeping track. But of course,
this movie is just for fun. So, you're
not supposed to give a [ __ ] right?
>> Oh, you mean just now? The Rock fights
discount Brock Lesnar.
[groaning and screaming]
Ali, you punch. Something random is
within arms length to get out of choking
cliche. Homs has the luxury of wasting
time to throw this to Letty rather than
just smoking Riley with it himself.
Meanwhile, Riley just stands there and
lets all this happen rather than using
her considerable reflexes to tackle
Letty or anything that might save her.
This movie is the kind of thing fourth
grade me made up in the bathtub with
Star Wars action figures. I'm pretty
sure this runway spans 150 mi. I mean,
this chase has been going on without one
single turn in another direction for at
least 8 minutes.
>> Yeah. Also, these [ __ ] should enter
all the lotteryies. Impossible things.
Excitement.
Don't worry, Han. She'll show up with
amnesia and working for the bad guys two
movies from now. And you'll be able to
turn her back by giving the history of
all her scars. Also, taking out your gun
and shooting people with amazing
precision is possible at these speeds
when you're falling from a jeep that is
harpooned to a plane taking off. More
thrilling punching movie rips off bad
guy Death from Incredibles, which ripped
it off from Die Hard 2, which ripped it
off from Raiders of the Lost Arc.
Jumping from one speeding thing to
another is just like breathing in this
movie.
>> Double god damn it.
Triple godamn it. All the good guys will
survive this. The acceptance of like
this is why we can't have good movies.
Lety. It's just a wreck that kills
people. Dom will be fine. Not even at
the end of the runway yet. And it's been
12 miles. You can sit back and drink
your Red Bull and blab all you want
about how these movies are escape is fun
and you're not supposed to take them
seriously, but I'm still going to your
sister later tonight. The end of the
runway finally shows up when the action
is over. As if they built the runway for
this movie or something. Tom is fine and
I'm okay with that. Wait a minute. I am
not okay with that. Your romance.
>> Where's yourself?
>> Mia, that's [ __ ] greedy.
>> Try to keep him out of trouble, though.
>> I guess this chick needs to get on
e-harmony now and look under all the
available widowers. You know, honestly,
I think Corona and this franchise are a
perfect match. Seriously. Both are
enormously popular despite being
complete with glossy marketing.
>> You know, you don't have to go.
>> Dom. That'sing greedy. recent love
interest is way more cool about
boyfriend's other recent love interest
showing back up than any real person
would actually be. I'm glad these
criminals finally did enough wrongs to
make it right. Movie thinks that in any
world there wouldn't be at least 10
deaths because of this stunt. I'm going
to go ahead and tell everyone, whether
you believe me or not, that I called
this [ __ ] before it even happened or
looked at any spoilers. This franchise
is not too far away from becoming the
Expendables. And this is proof.
Comcast. This [bell] production company
continues to be a bit of hilarious
irony. Look, I know this is London and
I've never been there. I mostly know
this from Star Trek Into Darkness and
that one Fantastic 4 movie. My point is
the average person knows this is London
without being told. So why are we being
told?
>> I say if you want a glimpse the future.
>> Guy talking to himself basically
disguises that this is opening
narration. But you bet your bloody
Yankee whimpern nuts that this is
narration or however British people
express it.
>> When we were kids,
>> first of all, that this [ __ ] somehow
survived that in the last movie. Second
of all, talking to an obviously
comeomaos person. Third of all, sudden
even more badass brother villain is
sudden. Yeah, but shouldn't there still
be a dozen SWAT teams waiting for him
once he reaches the main floor? Yep.
Movie would have you believe you can do
this much damage to a place and then
walk out of said place several minutes
later with no cops having shown up. By
the way, what kind of [ __ ] hospital
building waits until you're outside
before collapsing parts of itself. And
somehow all the destruction managed to
avoid hitting this new villain's
precious white sports car. It took four
editors to edit this [ __ ] and two to
photograph it. Friends, when you start
seeing the star of the movie serve as a
producer, it's just like those TV shows
that have gone too long and they start
giving the cast unnecessary credits to
make them feel like they're people. From
the creator of the Saw franchise, which
is a good fit for the series that has
devolved into the car version of torture
porn anyway.
>> They say an open road helps you think.
>> I thought it shuts down during
cryosleep.
>> Oh, where you been? Where are you going?
>> They do not say that.
>> Race wars.
>> Someone needs to rename this event
quickly. Whoa. When did dirt bikes get
invited to girls? Well, I guess it's
important to let everyone know just how
much you respect women. Thankfully,
amidst all this female showering, they
remember to actually hold some car
races. This girl's ass apparently just
signed a seven-picture deal at Universal
because it was featured at least 15
times during this pre-race action. Also,
I thought this crew was all about heists
now, not car racing. Judging by the last
several movies, they should give two
shits about race wars. Iggy Aelia isn't
in this scene. Dom allows Hector to
touch him with his hands, which were
just a minute ago wiping off bloody
mouth fluids.
This is supposed to be funny.
>> Buddy, where's the door button at?
>> Didn't you use the door button when you
left this morning? Or did Jordana
Brewster do it for you? You're telling
me a gearhead like this guy can't figure
out where the button is just because
he's driving a minivan? Brian just lets
this chick take his kid, assuming she
works here, which thankfully for him,
she does. But Jesus, right? Here, take
my kid. I've got a crime to commit.
Character knows exactly where other
character is because character knows
other characters so well. Cliche. Lety
gets deep by staring at her own fake
gravestone.
>> That's the date that I lost my memory.
>> Jesus. Skip. I have to find myself for
me.
>> Letty breaks up with Dom at her own
grave while he's holding a sledgehammer.
And somehow no one thought to walk out
of the theater right at this moment.
Camera dollies away from a dude wielding
a sledgehammer he was going to use to
destroy the headstone of his
ex-girlfriend who's not dead. Cliche.
Decard is apparently so good he can
sneak into this place without anybody
noticing, which is a skill I guess you
develop because your brother's in a coma
and you really want revenge for it.
>> So you better start talking before I
break that finger six different ways.
And
>> why aren't you doing that already?
>> You just earned yourself a dance with
the devil boy. that line.
>> Like I said, I'm here for the team that
crippled my brother.
>> You didn't say anything about your
crippled brother until this statement.
These guys have hit each other in the
face way too many times for neither of
them to be bleeding profusely. I guess I
should be excited about seeing The Rock
and Jason Staithm getting in a fight,
but I just can't help but think The Rock
should win this easily. Also, Rock Stock
and two smoking barrels. Decard survives
this. Probably because that table he
kicked out in front of him was so
sturdy. And Hobs and Elena survived this
because you don't care anyway.
Apparently, we're still not past Tokyo
Drift yet in this series, despite the
fact that we saw Decard finish Hanoff at
the end of the last movie. So, we
basically just saw a 15-minute prequel
to the end of Fast and Furious 6, which
is chronologically the fifth movie in
the seventh movie of the series.
>> I'm [laughter] having another baby.
>> And you didn't tell him, did you?
>> Telling your brother this before your
husband?
>> I don't want him to be disappointed with
his life.
>> This is the flimsiest of all movie
romance obstacles. She's lying to her
beloved husband because she thinks he
misses the action and crime of his old
life so much he can't possibly take the
news of yet another kid. You don't know
me. You're about to.
>> Dom decides, you know what? That box
that came from Han, probably a bomb sent
[100:00] by this mysterious voice on the phone
[100:02] coming from Tokyo because what else
[100:03] could it be? Also, the fact that Decker
[100:05] gives any warning before the box
[100:06] explodes. This bomb blows up the entire
[100:08] house, but somehow doesn't harm Dom and
[100:09] his sister who were standing right
[100:10] outside the house. Yeah, totally. Also,
[100:12] despite the considerable force that ran
[100:14] Brian's face into the window and nearly
[100:15] broke through it, his face is as
[100:17] pristine as when he was born. Vin Diesel
[100:18] is wondering where his sledgehammer is
[100:20] for this shot. Also, did Decard set that
[100:22] bomb up knowing it would fail? He's on
[100:23] this oddly personal vendetta, but he
[100:25] tries to kill Dom, Brian, and Mia with
[100:26] remotec controlled bomb, which might be
[100:28] the dumbest movie bomb in history.
[100:29] >> Shuttered his collarbone fractured his
[100:31] leg in two places.
[100:32] >> I know. Getting exploded out of a window
[100:34] and falling 10 stories into your car.
[100:35] You'd think that would taste like
[100:36] cupcakes, but Hobbs was really unlucky.
[100:38] When The Rock suffers, he suffers
[100:39] sexily.
[100:40] >> You risk life and limb to save the free
[100:42] world. And what do they give you? Jello
[100:44] and a bad '7s TV show.
[100:46] >> Did you not see the gun, though? They
[100:48] also gave him a big ass gun. Also, that
[100:50] show ruled, so shut your [ __ ] mouth.
[100:52] >> You remember Owen Shaw, the one we tore
[100:54] half of London down China trying to get?
[100:55] >> Nope. Was that the last movie? Wasn't it
[100:57] Carl Urban or somebody from Lord of the
[100:59] Hobbit? That was that bad guy. I get my
[101:00] Fast and Drive angry mixed up. Hey, how
[101:02] do we make The Rock a star of this movie
[101:04] while still letting him honor his WWE
[101:05] contract? Easy. Injure him early on and
[101:07] have him show back up for the finale.
[101:09] Brilliant. This is a lot of dramatic
[101:10] camera movement for what is a simple
[101:11] phone call, especially for this series.
[101:13] >> Just promise me after this, we're done.
[101:16] She says this roughly 5 years and five
[101:18] movies too late. In case you confused it
[101:20] with Tokyo Equatorial Guinea. Hey, look.
[101:22] In Tokyo, they also have unreasonably
[101:24] short skirts at car gatherings. We're
[101:25] not really so different after all.
[101:27] >> Hey yo, sir. Movie saves money by
[101:28] actually playing the end of Tokyo Drift
[101:30] and cutting some of BowWow's lines.
[101:32] Also, they cut out the part where Bow
[101:33] told Shawn about Dom beating everybody
[101:35] all over Asia because clearly that's not
[101:36] why Dom came out here.
[101:38] >> Han said you was fast, but not that damn
[101:41] fast.
[101:41] >> Okay, first of all, did you bring your
[101:43] American muscle car to Japan? cuz that
[101:46] had to have taken weeks. Second of all,
[101:47] is the race over? Did you guys race and
[101:49] show us none of it?
[101:50] >> We found a couple of things by the
[101:51] crash.
[101:52] >> You did? Were you driving around when
[101:53] Decard killed him? How did you get your
[101:55] hands on crash site memorabilia?
[101:57] >> When you find the guy that killed, huh?
[101:58] What are you going to do?
[101:59] >> Words ain't even been invented yet.
[102:02] >> Jesus, we're in for a real treat when
[102:03] Decard gets killed because we've been
[102:05] promised twice it's going to be
[102:06] something the English language has
[102:07] trouble translating.
[102:08] >> They say to live in the hearts of those
[102:10] we leave behind.
[102:11] >> I [snorts] thought it shuts down during
[102:12] cryosleep. I can't do no more funerals.
[102:14] >> But how else are you going to earn that
[102:16] paycheck Tyrese?
[102:17] >> First Han, now Hobbs is laid up for all
[102:20] people.
[102:21] >> That line makes no sense. Jazelle died
[102:23] first, then Han. And Hobbs is merely
[102:24] hurt. So he does not belong in this
[102:26] train of thought you just began.
[102:27] >> Promise me, Brian. No more funerals.
[102:30] >> Uncapable promise me. Also, the sad
[102:32] irony is thick and uncomfortable. Yeah,
[102:35] zoom that film out to make it look
[102:36] faster, Tyrie. I mean four editors who
[102:38] did this movie. Now we know why Kurt
[102:39] Russell is in this movie because these
[102:40] cars are definitely death proof.
[102:42] >> Thought this was going to be a street
[102:43] fight.
[102:44] >> Sudden SWAT X Machina has the element of
[102:46] surprise and they still miss Deckard.
[102:48] >> More of a Corona man myself.
[102:50] >> We already knew that because we've seen
[102:51] the previous six movies, but still super
[102:53] obvious dialogue based product placement
[102:55] is ass.
[102:56] >> Say hello
[102:57] to God's eye.
[102:59] >> Fast and Furious takes Lucius Fox's
[103:00] sonar concept and applies it to this
[103:02] movie.
[103:02] >> This is wrong. Any rescue plans
[103:05] involving any US government forces or
[103:07] entity has been strictly ruled out.
[103:10] >> Yeah, but foreign governments would
[103:11] rightfully blame the US anyway if they
[103:12] saw a bunch of drag racing Americans
[103:14] insert themselves into this situation.
[103:15] So why not use somebody in the world
[103:17] who's less criminal than Dom and his
[103:18] group?
[103:18] >> I mean, I could go back outside, enjoy
[103:21] the rest of the Coronas.
[103:22] >> Corona. Corona. Corona. Corona. Corona.
[103:25] Ah Corona.
[103:26] >> Let come to me.
[103:28] >> You can do that. How's that working out
[103:30] for you so far?
[103:30] >> It's working out no different from every
[103:32] other Fast and Furious movie. But Dom
[103:33] decides to help Mr. Nobody because
[103:34] Deckard's been slightly more successful
[103:36] than the other bad guys in this series.
[103:38] >> Which is why I've taken the liberty of
[103:40] gathering your team.
[103:41] >> Right on Q and straight from Han's
[103:43] funeral. Also, none of them needed the
[103:45] factual persuading you did apparently.
[103:46] And all just came with my agents without
[103:48] incident. Amazing. No,
[103:50] >> this is crazy.
[103:51] >> Paycheck, Tyrese. Movie steals that
[103:52] stupid [ __ ] from a team and makes it
[103:54] even more stupid bullshittier.
[103:55] >> I'm sorry to let you down.
[103:57] >> What?
[103:58] Okay, so now the parachute is already
[104:00] deployed miles up in the sky attached to
[104:01] aing car and somehow Tyrese is going to
[104:03] survive this. We're supposed to be
[104:05] concerned that anybody can die in this.
[104:06] That's why they've been talking funerals
[104:08] so much. But I'm not really all that
[104:09] worried and that's a problem. They've
[104:11] never done this before, but they're
[104:12] going to land perfectly in the drop zone
[104:13] as if it's routine.
[104:14] >> Sit tight, Roman. We'll come back for
[104:15] you.
[104:16] >> Come back for him. Why did you even
[104:17] shoot him out of the plane if you don't
[104:18] need him in the first place?
[104:19] >> All right, you got one chance to hit him
[104:21] here, Dom. You missed. They'll make it
[104:22] to their black site.
[104:23] >> Unnecessary orders.
[104:25] >> Cash shield.
[104:25] >> Why wasn't he already ahead of them? Did
[104:27] they really think they were sneaking up
[104:28] on these guys?
[104:29] >> Bulletproof, baby. Can't touch this.
[104:31] >> I'll overlook the casual MC Hammer
[104:32] reference and instead say, "If this
[104:34] vehicle is bulletproof, how did the
[104:35] other cars survive the bullets?" Then,
[104:37] not that I buy any of the bull these
[104:38] movies have shown me, but these movies
[104:40] have shown me this crew being very
[104:41] detailed in their planning to the point
[104:43] that these surprise guns should not be a
[104:44] surprise.
[104:45] >> Armor piercing round.
[104:47] >> Brian Scion was able to withstand
[104:48] hundreds of armor-piercing rounds. The
[104:51] look, I know this series gets off on
[104:52] showing us not believable stuff, but
[104:54] this is well beyond that into the realm
[104:55] of you footage. Also, it's worth noting
[104:58] you don't even need armor-piercing
[104:59] bullets if you shoot at the tires.
[105:02] Watch the road.
[105:05] >> Brian, Tess, blow it.
[105:07] >> Let's split up the detonators from the
[105:09] cars firing the bombs because there's no
[105:11] chance any of the four cars will get
[105:12] taken out before this point in the
[105:14] battle.
[105:19] That was easy.
[105:21] >> Chick with guy's name is a chick cliche.
[105:22] I guess the bad guy who's driving this
[105:24] bus is completely oblivious to all the
[105:25] stuff that just happened in the back of
[105:26] it. Probably has headphones on like all
[105:28] people who miss things in movies do.
[105:30] >> One, two.
[105:31] >> Ah, the old trick where you throw a
[105:33] woman onto a speeding car before she's
[105:34] ready for it. And then she loses her
[105:36] grip and has never done this before, but
[105:37] somehow stays in the car. How does this
[105:38] assholeing know anything about this? How
[105:41] is he here? How is she screaming when
[105:43] she's clearly dead? Guy with plenty of
[105:45] guns at his disposal decides to do this.
[105:47] Paul Walker versus Tony Jaw. You didn't
[105:49] know you wanted it, but you got it. This
[105:50] should be a pretty easy fight, I'd say.
[105:52] But somehow Brian's going to hold his
[105:53] own. What is she even holding on to?
[105:55] Also, I'm genuinely convinced at this
[105:57] point this franchise is actively trying
[105:58] to create more work for us. Maybe the
[106:00] villain's tank buggy will be fine, but
[106:02] this vehicle Doming is not going
[106:03] downhill off-road in a forest without a
[106:05] fiery accident. This all these street
[106:07] vehicles driving down a mountainside
[106:08] scene is way more Teenage Mutant Ninja
[106:10] Turtles than I think the movie intended.
[106:12] >> What are you doing? This is crazy.
[106:14] >> Keeping you alive
[106:15] >> barely. Also, she probably had better
[106:17] odds to survive longer back in the
[106:18] villain's custody if we're being honest.
[106:19] Even GTA 5 won't let you drive a vehicle
[106:21] down Mount Chiliad without dying for
[106:23] sake.
[106:28] Stunt jump failed. Just because you
[106:29] decide to make this slow motion doesn't
[106:31] mean they should survive this fall. But
[106:32] screw it. What do I know? This is the
[106:34] most critically acclaimed episode in the
[106:35] series.
[106:37] I would have removed 100 sins if that
[106:39] happened to be Lett's car instead of the
[106:40] bad guys. Also, same gun that hit
[106:42] Brian's car a thousand times will now
[106:43] flip a villain car off the cliff in 3
[106:45] seconds. The bus driver is in plain view
[106:47] of all this stuff going on in the back.
[106:48] Why did he even keep driving after Brian
[106:50] saved Ramsay? Dead driver somehow
[106:52] manages to keep this bus on the road.
[106:53] You know how hard shuffle board and
[106:55] paper football is? In the movies, they
[106:56] can score maximum points every time with
[106:58] large vehicles.
[106:59] >> Yeah,
[107:01] this movie is so very tiring. This is an
[107:03] ex Machina, a how the [ __ ] did he know
[107:04] they were here moment and a paycheck
[107:06] scene all rolled into one. Lost [bell]
[107:08] World Jurassic Park Brian moment is
[107:09] still pretty Lost World Jurassic Park.
[107:11] Everyone who loves these movies
[107:12] basically just loves cartoons. That's
[107:14] okay as long as you can admit it. Okay,
[107:16] so where the hell was she this whole
[107:17] time? And how is she able to accurately
[107:19] assess that Brian is running up the bus
[107:20] when she can't even see them? Also, I
[107:22] guess Ted is hanging out somewhere with
[107:24] his bulletproof SUV in Xmachina mode,
[107:26] waiting to pounce on a situation that
[107:27] needs Xmachina ink. Oh no, whatever will
[107:30] he do to get out of this situation? I'm
[107:31] so heartbroken right now. How could you?
[107:33] I feel bad for this guy. He's fantastic.
[107:35] But aside from Amastad and Blood Diamond
[107:36] has been typ cast as token action
[107:38] henchmen in everything from the island
[107:39] to Push to Guardians of the Galaxy to
[107:41] this farce of a movie.
[107:42] >> What's he going to do?
[107:44] >> Legit. Having not seen this film until
[107:45] now, I'm betting he still drives off the
[107:47] cliff and somehow survives.
[107:49] >> Fire on my mark.
[107:50] >> On your mark, why not just shoot now?
[107:52] Because no one cares. This is allowed to
[107:53] happen even in a movie. And people are
[107:55] like, "Thrilling. Let's go give this
[107:56] movie a billion dollars worldwide. I
[107:58] love it when there are no consequences
[107:59] whatsoever."
[108:01] [laughter]
[108:03] [ __ ] If these [ __ ] could make it
[108:05] down to the crash site in time, then
[108:07] surely give us freeze henchmen could
[108:08] have. It's like I mean I just What do
[108:12] you even What's more, Dom isn't even
[108:14] hurt. I don't care what kind of
[108:15] reinforced [ __ ] vehicle they made.
[108:16] He doesn't even have a scar. We were
[108:18] worried about funerals in this movie for
[108:19] some reason.
[108:20] >> I mailed it to a friend in Abu Dhabi.
[108:23] >> Movie rips off Garfield's favorite place
[108:24] to ship OD.
[108:25] >> The way you took out them guys shows
[108:27] training.
[108:28] >> Yeah, but you had a hood on during all
[108:30] that. So, how did you see his
[108:31] techniques? We're going to the Middle
[108:33] East.
[108:33] >> You're in Azerbaijan. You're like
[108:35] basically already in the Middle East. Go
[108:37] a few miles south and you're in Iran.
[108:39] Dude, do you even map? Meanwhile, very
[108:41] close to our last location. Discount
[108:42] Dubai. This side shot makes it look like
[108:44] they all pulled up in order like this.
[108:46] But then this wide front shot shows how
[108:47] impossible basically any of those timed
[108:49] entries were due to, you know, all that
[108:51] behind them. Before we've seen one
[108:53] hacker skill, the sexy Ramsay is in a
[108:55] bikini getting augled by me, you,
[108:57] everyone. And well, I like to feel
[108:58] superior by saying liberal douche stuff,
[109:00] even though I'm secretly enjoying this.
[109:01] But damn, can't we see her at her job
[109:03] first before we see this?
[109:05] >> I tried to call dibs on Ramsey 2 years
[109:08] ago.
[109:08] >> Who are you? And how did you know what
[109:09] they were talking about?
[109:10] >> I need the speed drive I sent you. Where
[109:12] is it?
[109:12] >> I sold it.
[109:13] >> Why would you sell it? Oh, because of
[109:15] the cinematic adventure. I get it.
[109:17] >> Now, why in the hell would he keep his
[109:18] car in his penthouse?
[109:19] >> He's a billionaire, my friend. He can do
[109:21] whatever he wants.
[109:22] >> Plus, we needed some reason for that
[109:23] stupid stunt that's going to happen
[109:24] later. So, we'll blame it on the crazy
[109:26] billionaire. Now, why in the hell would
[109:27] he keep his car in his penthouse?
[109:29] >> Despite swapping the word why into the
[109:30] question in place of how Ludicrous would
[109:32] be excellent at cinema sins.
[109:33] >> I think I'm going to start a new
[109:34] culture. It's called Blara. You know,
[109:37] like black Arab.
[109:38] >> That's racist. We got to move in sync if
[109:40] we're going to pull this off. So, let's
[109:41] go over it to make sure everyone clearly
[109:43] understands their role.
[109:44] >> Yeah, let's go over the plan during the
[109:46] plan instead of beforehand. Brilliant.
[109:48] You had a whole plane ride.
[109:54] Thank god this paranoid billionaire
[109:55] Middle East prince doesn't believe in
[109:57] video surveillance. Am I right?
[109:58] >> What about my steps? What am I supposed
[109:59] to be doing?
[110:00] >> It's kind of like the series realized
[110:01] that Roman was the Hawkeye of the group
[110:03] and started making jokes about it. Guess
[110:04] what? Just like Age of Ultron, making
[110:06] jokes doesn't redeem his character at
[110:07] all. As I stare at these two female
[110:09] asses, which the camera dictates I do, I
[110:11] have to wonder, do I have time to
[110:12] masturbate before anything important
[110:14] happens on screen? Everying guard gets
[110:15] distracted by Roman's happy birthday
[110:17] ruse. I guess Michelle Rodriguez is
[110:18] always going to be tasked to fight some
[110:20] female MMA star in these movies. We're
[110:21] pretty sure she could beat up most guys,
[110:23] but got to keep those showdowns strictly
[110:24] double XX. None of these soldiers use
[110:26] guns. By the way, where in Letty's
[110:28] training was she able to take on three
[110:29] experienced fighters all at once? She
[110:30] had her hands full with Gina Carano last
[110:32] movie. It took forever for these guards
[110:34] to finally say enough's enough and stop
[110:35] Roman from doing whatever he was doing.
[110:37] Tonight, the part of Holly Holmes, we
[110:38] played by Michelle Rodriguez. Movie
[110:40] pretends that fall in any way hurt these
[110:41] two women. By Fast and Furious rules,
[110:43] they should have actually gotten
[110:44] stronger by crashing into the DJ
[110:45] station.
[110:46] >> I'm losing the final gate. You got to
[110:47] get out of there.
[110:48] >> You're losing the final gate. First of
[110:50] all, how do you even have control over
[110:51] this gate? Second of all, why is one of
[110:52] the gates tartier than all the other
[110:54] gates that fell down at the same time a
[110:55] minute ago? Movie gives TZ even more
[110:56] badassery way before they consider
[110:58] giving Roman anything worthwhile at all.
[111:00] Extremely fragile sports car blasts
[111:02] through the vault wall and gets no
[111:03] damage. I realize this is the bad guy of
[111:04] this movie, but I have no idea how or
[111:06] why he's here right now. Actually, I'm
[111:08] not even sure why our heroes are here
[111:09] right now. I think the movie just hopes
[111:10] to blind me to the nonsensical story
[111:12] line with crazy action.
[111:14] There are more bulletproof cars in this
[111:15] movie than there are human actors.
[111:17] Instead of just running over Decard with
[111:18] this car, Dom decides, "Yeah, I can make
[111:20] this car crash through the window and
[111:21] fly over to the other building. That
[111:23] makes way more sense, I think. Yeah, I'm
[111:25] adding 1,000 sins for this." One [ __ ]
[111:27] thousand. Most critically acclaimed
[111:29] movie in the series. Also, at this
[111:30] point, this would be considered a terror
[111:32] attack, and there would be thousands of
[111:33] soldiers, police, and government
[111:34] agencies swarming this place by the time
[111:35] they get downstairs. Also, how many
[111:37] windows that they crash through at high
[111:38] impact? A spectacular stunt should have
[111:40] some element of danger, but it shouldn't
[111:42] be impossible. I mean, how lucky are
[111:43] these dicks that they didn't hit this
[111:45] building between floors or like on a
[111:46] support beam or something? Also, why
[111:48] isn't Optimus helping them during the
[111:49] battle? People doing normal stuff don't
[111:51] see the crazy falling from the sky
[111:52] outside cliche. They still would have
[111:54] been okay. Movie will now gloss over how
[111:55] nobody arrests them for this. And even
[111:57] Deckard doesn't go down to the ground to
[111:58] figure out where the hell they went next
[112:00] or wait for them anywhere. Also, if this
[112:01] movie thinks those two stunts are as
[112:03] cool as it thinks it is, they missed a
[112:04] golden opportunity to show in one shot
[112:06] all three buildings with all five holes
[112:08] cut through them.
[112:09] >> My guys are racist. Best drivers in the
[112:11] world. But they ain't killers.
[112:14] [laughter]
[112:21] >> Have you even seen any of the previous
[112:23] movies?
[112:24] >> I hope you're enjoying your last meal
[112:25] >> before prison. You meant to say last
[112:27] meal before prison, right? Because you
[112:28] didn't come here specifically to
[112:30] assassinate this guy, did you?
[112:33] None of these guys. Shoot this [ __ ]
[112:34] right now. For some reason, redness,
[112:36] darkness, gunfire [ __ ] Good thing
[112:38] he gave everyone a pair of those night
[112:39] vision sunglass. Oh, night vision
[112:41] glasses advantage lasts all of 15
[112:43] seconds. Awesome. Okay, so why did they
[112:45] bring the god's eye here? They knew
[112:47] where Decard was. They could have simply
[112:48] left this back at the garage and Lety,
[112:49] Ramsay, Tz, or Roman could have radioed
[112:51] in any movements. But now it's here so
[112:53] the bad guy can have it. And I can't
[112:54] think of anything more critically
[112:55] acclaimed than that. Grenade thrown by
[112:57] Shaw seems to basically only hinder
[112:59] Shaw's men.
[113:00] >> If a war is coming, we're going to face
[113:02] them on the streets we know best.
[113:03] >> Piccadilli circus, the US Mexican
[113:05] border. You guys have had so many
[113:06] adventures. I'm honestly not sure what
[113:08] you're talking about here. I guess maybe
[113:09] LA, but then that was mostly just the
[113:11] first movie, so I give up. I don't know.
[113:13] Guys, I brought you here today to show
[113:15] you Los Angeles. It has nothing to do
[113:16] with what we need to do, but I get this
[113:18] weird feeling people are watching us and
[113:19] need to know where we are. Also, we're
[113:21] going to discuss our plan here, even
[113:22] though we had 16 hours of flight between
[113:24] Abu Dhabi and LA to work it out.
[113:25] >> If they use God's Eye, it'll tap the
[113:27] cameras around town to find our
[113:28] location.
[113:29] >> Is God's Eye supposed to be Jason
[113:30] Stathithm? Because this guy manages to
[113:32] find wherever these people are, even
[113:33] without a God's eye. We can't start a
[113:35] hack on them until they're within a
[113:36] two-mile range.
[113:38] >> Oh,
[113:39] >> I don't know about y'all, but I didn't
[113:41] really plan on dying today.
[113:43] >> The completion of that sentence required
[113:44] me to look at my watch. Obviously,
[113:46] >> we're going to have another baby.
[113:47] >> Jesus. Do you now see why you might have
[113:49] told him this earlier?
[113:50] >> Okay, kiss Jack for me.
[113:52] >> I will.
[113:52] >> Mia really got screwed in this movie,
[113:54] eh? She might as well be an answering
[113:55] machine. Of course, the entire house was
[113:57] destroyed by fire except the garage and
[113:59] the classic Dad remembrance car. Good
[114:00] guys and bad guys both head out from
[114:02] their layers at the same time. Almost as
[114:04] though this climax was scheduled. Oh no,
[114:06] we're being hacked and we're in an
[114:07] attack helicopter. I know. Send in the
[114:09] automated drones. So, a few things here.
[114:11] Luckily, Brian and Ramsay are right next
[114:12] to one of those rigs where a car can fit
[114:14] underneath. But also, everyone on this
[114:16] street stops and moves to the side of
[114:17] the road except the rig they need to
[114:18] drive under. And then, when the main
[114:20] action starts up, suddenly, no one cares
[114:21] about the drone, and they're all going
[114:22] for a merry drive like nothing major is
[114:24] happening. And what happened to all the
[114:26] people who stopped in the middle of the
[114:27] road? It vanished. Oh, now you notice
[114:29] something crazy going on in this town.
[114:30] The cops here have less reaction time
[114:32] than the Grand Theft Auto cops. A second
[114:34] game of chicken in a movie is an
[114:35] immediate sin. In fact, it's another
[114:36] hundred. Yes, Brian is running this red
[114:38] light because climactic reasons, but why
[114:40] is the light blue Prius in the next lane
[114:42] over also running the solid red light?
[114:43] And the SUV on the opposite lane. I
[114:45] mean, seriously, all we're asking is
[114:47] just once where one of these things does
[114:48] not work and the person doing the stupid
[114:50] thing dies. I could accept loads of
[114:51] [ __ ] There were more hero deaths in
[114:53] these situations. In fact, I'd be the
[114:54] first to say [ __ ] Enchilada
[114:56] Supreme, please, with extra [ __ ] He
[114:57] jumped, but he's also dead. I look
[114:59] forward to this movie explaining to me
[115:00] why he isn't dead. The military still
[115:01] hasn't made it to Los Angeles yet. So,
[115:03] draw. Oh, the rock is in this movie. I
[115:06] totally forgot. Mostly because he's
[115:07] basically making a cameo.
[115:09] >> Tretto.
[115:10] >> Yes, some crazy explosion happens. And
[115:12] it must be Tretto. Phew. Glad no one was
[115:14] driving down this road in downtown LA.
[115:16] Less believable than him flexing off his
[115:18] cast is the fact that he's got all the
[115:19] military gear in the world in this
[115:21] hospital room. Hero toss his weapon to
[115:23] settle things with Vistauff's cliche.
[115:25] Shoot him, dude. Jesus. We've been
[115:28] waiting for this for so long.
[115:31] [snorts]
[115:31] >> Letty, the football's on fire. We need
[115:34] help.
[115:34] >> Seriously, what the [ __ ] has she been
[115:35] doing this whole time? She's just
[115:37] backup. Isn't she way more badass than
[115:38] this to be driving around as a backup?
[115:40] James Juan definitely thinks these
[115:41] camera movements all through the movie
[115:42] when people are falling down are
[115:44] exciting. They are not. This whole movie
[115:45] could have been about Tony Jaw and I
[115:47] would have loved it. Instead, the guy
[115:48] basically has a glorified cameo in the
[115:50] movie. Another expendable. It's amazing
[115:51] when these guys are getting their brains
[115:53] beat in, they suddenly have the clarity
[115:54] to arrange an almost Rube Goldberg like
[115:56] escape. Oh yeah, The Rock is in this
[115:58] movie. Somehow, this missile's direct
[115:59] hit does not destroy or even
[116:00] incapacitate the car. How does this guy
[116:03] know where to go and what the situation
[116:04] is in order to make this crash of fate?
[116:06] This could be the luckiest thing I've
[116:07] ever seen in this series. And I'm still
[116:08] spinning from that Dom becomes Superman
[116:10] to save Letty scene in past six.
[116:14] >> No way.
[116:15] >> Hey, Letty. You
[116:16] >> woman, I am the calvary.
[116:19] >> Who is that?
[116:20] >> Well, based on this movie alone, the
[116:22] Terminator plus God.
[116:24] >> Shaw's in the way. And it seems our
[116:26] friendship is at an end.
[116:27] >> Why does Jakanda give two shits about
[116:28] Tretto? This whole time he cared about
[116:30] the God's eye and killing Ramsay. But
[116:32] now he allows the killing of Decard
[116:33] because he suddenly needs to kill
[116:34] Tretto. All while the military is 3
[116:36] minutes away.
[116:37] >> Thing about street fights, the street
[116:40] always wins.
[116:41] >> You're on a roof. How did Dom not only
[116:43] know that stomping would open a huge
[116:44] hole, but also that it would open
[116:46] perfectly to swallow Shaw, but leave Dom
[116:47] himself right on the edge.
[116:49] >> Goodbye, Torto.
[116:50] >> We have such a crazy history together.
[116:52] HMS is trying to be helpful, but it's
[116:54] taking his ass forever to shoot down
[116:56] this chopper. Another impossible
[116:57] survival. But for those of you who
[116:59] enjoyed this movie, what's it like being
[117:00] in the Matrix? Ignorance is bliss,
[117:02] right?
[117:03] >> Don't miss.
[117:04] >> Tom, you're in a Fast and Furious movie
[117:05] where the thing that is a million to one
[117:07] actually has way better odds, like even
[117:09] money. Stop acting like there's any
[117:10] difficulty here. When critics love this
[117:12] to the point that its Rotten Tomato
[117:13] score is 81%. Are they really loving it
[117:16] or are they worried the younger
[117:17] generation will accuse them of being out
[117:18] of touch?
[117:20] >> Lety just He survived it. Okay. Oh, from
[117:23] way down here on the ground, HMS just
[117:24] knew that bag was full of grenades.
[117:26] That's some ridiculous intuition right
[117:27] there. This is some Shazam Black atom
[117:29] test footage that somehow made its way
[117:30] into this film's final cut. Are we
[117:32] really going to go through this Dom
[117:32] might have died nonsense? What a waste
[117:34] of time. Lety finally remembering is
[117:36] what somehow makes Dom come back to
[117:37] life. Movies, man. They take and they
[117:40] [ __ ] take. Dude, by the way, I'm
[117:42] still pissed the military hasn't shown
[117:43] up yet.
[117:44] >> Why didn't you tell me we were married?
[117:46] >> Because he didn't know about it until
[117:47] now. The screenwriter went back in time
[117:49] and put this in there so there'd be
[117:50] something emotional to revive it. So,
[117:52] this is news to him as well. Yep, he
[117:53] survived that parking garage collapse
[117:55] just fine.
[117:56] >> You do know none of this will keep me
[117:58] right.
[117:58] >> Sure, for Furious 8, you'll have the
[118:00] X-Men come and save you with the help of
[118:02] Quicksilver, but he might be considered
[118:03] dead in one franchise and not dead in
[118:05] another. Anyway, enjoy your escape when
[118:07] the US government gets compromised. It's
[118:08] a waste of time to lock his ass up. And
[118:10] I thought Hobbs were going to do
[118:11] something so bad to him the English
[118:12] language needed to invent new words.
[118:14] Obviously, not Paul Walker shot. What?
[118:16] It's not too soon, right? That was over
[118:18] a year ago. And this is pretty obvious.
[118:20] No. Paul Walker tribute doesn't include
[118:22] his performance in Running Scared,
[118:23] Varsity Blues, Joy Ride, Into the Blue,
[118:25] and Apollo.
[118:33] 43 seconds of logos. Comcast. When
[118:35] you're the eighth movie of a franchise
[118:37] and your production company is called
[118:38] Original Film, at what point do you
[118:40] consider a name change? Also, you have a
[118:42] Goosebumps sequel and a Sonic the
[118:43] Hedgehog movie coming out soon. So, it's
[118:45] time to invest in a U and an N for your
[118:46] name, in case you confused it with
[118:48] Havana, India. You see, it's different
[118:49] this time because they're using classic
[118:51] cars this time.
[118:52] >> You make a deal, you got to live up to
[118:53] it.
[118:54] >> You make a deal, you going to live up to
[118:56] it.
[118:57] >> Tom's in a new country in this chapter.
[118:58] So, therefore, the movie has to
[118:59] manufacture some [ __ ] conflict so we
[119:01] can get a classic Fast and Furious race
[119:02] in before it becomes XX Ocean 17
[119:05] identity.
[119:05] >> He knows it doesn't matter what's under
[119:07] a hood. The only thing that matters is
[119:10] who's behind the wheel.
[119:11] >> Okay, then. I'd like to see you race
[119:13] this guy driving a 1985 Toyota Camry.
[119:15] >> And we ain't racing no quarter mile
[119:17] here. You raced the Cuban mile.
[119:20] >> It's like a baker's dozen, only with
[119:21] empanadas instead of donuts.
[119:23] >> Don't.
[119:24] >> Dom agrees to race this [ __ ] in this
[119:25] dilapidated old truck because the movie
[119:27] is unsure if the audience realizes how
[119:28] good a driver Dom really is. So, the
[119:30] stakes against him have to keep going
[119:31] up, even past the point of insanity.
[119:33] >> Laughing us.
[119:34] >> Nah, Fed. This is Cuban Nas. Is there a
[119:36] difference between Cuban NS and regular
[119:38] NS? I thought NS stood for nitrous
[119:40] oxide. Like as in if it were any
[119:42] different, it would no longer be NS, but
[119:43] some other compound entirely.
[119:45] Conspicuous Coke can confounds consumers
[119:47] calculating cola comparisons.
[119:48] >> Only needs to go a mile.
[119:50] >> A [clears throat] Cuban mile. Don, I
[119:52] wonder what the casting call is like for
[119:53] the Flag Girls in this franchise. Like,
[119:54] they must tell them you won't be in any
[119:56] other movies after this. But on the plus
[119:57] side, you'll get to show your ass to
[119:59] everybody. This is broad daylight. I
[120:00] realize Cuba is a foreign communist
[120:02] country, but I still don't think they
[120:03] allow Havana streets to be shut down for
[120:05] drag races without some cops showing up.
[120:06] Motorcycle traffic stoppers lock out by
[120:08] getting a wide space to stop traffic in
[120:10] time and not get run over. How have they
[120:11] not already gone a mile? Yeah, yeah, I
[120:13] know it's a Cuban mile, but how have
[120:14] they not already gone the amount of
[120:16] distance I think a Cuban mile is?
[120:17] >> Okay, Buster,
[120:19] let's see if this works.
[120:21] >> This works. It's not enough for Dom to
[120:22] win this race with a bag car. It also
[120:24] has to catch fire before the finish
[120:26] line. This is all these movies summed up
[120:27] in one scene, honestly. Also, sure, this
[120:30] car can drive and drive fast while on
[120:32] fire. It's just Cuban fire.
[120:38] You movie?
[120:41] Yeah, but do they have this slow-mo
[120:43] technology to figure out if Dom actually
[120:44] won?
[120:46] You know what would have been more
[120:47] awesome? To actually see the car at full
[120:49] speed crash into the water without five
[120:50] cuts. What is this motherucker Gandhi
[120:52] now?
[120:53] >> You won my car and you've earned my
[120:55] respect. I'll bet $10,000 right now. Dom
[120:58] asks this guy for a favor before the end
[121:00] of the movie.
[121:00] >> Yours was too slow for a Toronto anyway.
[121:03] >> You're impala.
[121:04] >> So let that be a lesson to you kids. You
[121:05] can somehow make a deal with a gangster,
[121:07] not fulfill your end of the bargain.
[121:08] Have a cousin who just happens to be in
[121:10] your hometown who's a legendary street
[121:11] racer try to race your piece of car
[121:14] against the gangster's car at a terrible
[121:15] disadvantage. Have your cousin destroy
[121:17] that car during the race, then have the
[121:18] same cousin give you his awesome car and
[121:21] have absolutely no consequences at all.
[121:22] It's like they keep trying to invent new
[121:24] ways to keep all these movies titles
[121:25] confusing and overlapping. Fate rhymes
[121:27] with eight. Hilarious.
[121:31] Ah, Letty and Dom's love. The heart and
[121:33] soul of this entire Hey, wait a second.
[121:36] >> How's that honeymoon going, Dom?
[121:37] >> Cipher decides the best way to get Dom's
[121:39] attention is to fake a breakdown rather
[121:40] than go to some of the many places she's
[121:42] about to rattle off that she knows Dom
[121:43] goes to every day.
[121:44] >> Is this the road you take to your
[121:46] apartment every morning? What else is
[121:48] different, Dom? Santiago's closed. How
[121:50] does Dom, who has no job and is simply
[121:52] hanging out in Cuba, have a predictable
[121:54] routine every morning?
[121:56] >> Oh, and Dom.
[121:57] >> So, I heard Cipher open the door to her
[121:59] car, but I'm pretty sure she never
[122:00] closed that hood. Also, she shows him
[122:02] something on a phone that we don't see
[122:03] that causes him to betray his friends
[122:04] and family. So, I think it's pretty
[122:05] clear she showed him the Sins video for
[122:07] Furious 7. Movies continue to think we
[122:09] need to know the longitude and latitude
[122:10] of a new place during a scene change.
[122:12] The rock coach's girl soccer was
[122:13] probably a movie idea at one time during
[122:15] that tooth fairy face. Thank god we
[122:17] finally got to see a nod to that
[122:18] cinematic greatness here. movie that is
[122:20] over two hours has time for this. Hey
[122:21] Hobs, this important world crisis needed
[122:23] to be brought to your attention at the
[122:25] soccer game. Not before, not after, but
[122:27] now. Damn it. I look at I mean, he's
[122:30] just out in the open and in case you
[122:33] confused it with Berlin of Take My
[122:34] Breath Away fame. Also, here's the job
[122:36] Dom and his crew are on mid- operation.
[122:38] We don't need to know how they stole the
[122:39] EMP or what the plan was because this
[122:41] movie is way more interested in dropping
[122:42] surprise plot twists and girls soccer on
[122:44] you than giving you details of a heist
[122:45] or character motivations. Also, also,
[122:48] why did the movie give us that scene
[122:49] showing Charize talking to Dom? Now we
[122:51] know to expect something weird from him.
[122:53] Imagine if we experienced this job the
[122:54] way his teammates do and learn of his
[122:56] deception on the spot. That would have
[122:58] been way better.
[122:59] >> Bombs away.
[123:00] >> Seriously, how did the team get in here
[123:02] and set up all these bombs and gadgets
[123:03] without anyone seeing it? And this
[123:05] mother is attached to a wrecking ball. I
[123:07] don't care how he did it, someone would
[123:08] have noticed. Also, why not set up bombs
[123:10] on the roadway instead of hoping the
[123:11] wrecking ball plan works? Oh, it's so we
[123:14] can see all those cars get hit by a
[123:15] wrecking ball, isn't it? I hate you,
[123:17] Ted.
[123:17] >> Earn that paycheck, Tyrese. By the way,
[123:19] considering they didn't tell him about
[123:20] the wrecking ball plan, couldn't he have
[123:21] like died?
[123:24] >> Hob survives all kinds of this. Oh,
[123:26] great. Another airirst strip. I wonder
[123:28] if this one's also 22 mi long.
[123:29] Apparently, a cargo plane can just land
[123:31] on a dime going whatever speed it was
[123:32] going, allow a car to drive onto it, and
[123:34] fly straight up into the air with its
[123:36] rear cargo entrance still open. And no
[123:38] one in the control tower was able to ID
[123:39] that plane's transponder signal or
[123:41] decipher where it went after this using
[123:42] radar. Honestly, this movie suggests a
[123:44] successful takeoff is all this plane
[123:45] needs to get away with it. But that's
[123:47] not how airspace works. Germany would be
[123:49] scrambling some fighters right about
[123:50] now. Why did Letty go to Berlin, bring
[123:52] keepsake pictures of her and Dom, and
[123:53] put them in the glove box of the
[123:55] borrowed or stolen vehicle she drove
[123:56] during the robbery?
[123:57] >> Dom is clearly communicating with
[123:59] somebody that's above our pay grade.
[124:00] >> Hey, remember when they introduced
[124:01] Ramsay Bolton? I mean, Missande to the
[124:03] Fast and Furious crew and she was some
[124:05] badass hacker or some Yeah, they still
[124:07] haven't given her anything to do.
[124:08] Packard's in the same prison. What are
[124:10] the odds? Yeah, good luck with that,
[124:12] Hercules.
[124:12] >> I love how characters in both Central
[124:14] Intelligence and Fate of the Furious
[124:15] refer to The Rock as Hercules. As if
[124:17] this meta joke is something
[124:18] sidplittingly hilarious.
[124:20] >> All showing no god.
[124:22] >> This prison rivalry is still going on.
[124:24] >> Cuz where I'm from, we don't settle
[124:26] fights BY THROWING BOMBS.
[124:27] >> WELL, THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE WHERE I'M
[124:29] FROM,
[124:29] >> skip a malfunction.
[124:32] >> What?
[124:35] What? Also, if teasing one cell's camera
[124:37] electrical thingy opens all the cells,
[124:39] then the designer of this prison is
[124:40] facing a serious lawsuit after this
[124:42] editing and this camera work.
[124:46] The rocks punches are made of dynamite
[124:48] or a shark NATO or some
[124:51] [panting]
[124:52] omnipotence. This pronounced makes me
[124:54] wonder why you can't steal the mcguffin
[124:55] thing back via your own general godlike
[124:57] abilities rather than recruiting a bunch
[124:58] of car thieves. A location so
[125:00] undisclosed the movie doesn't even know.
[125:02] 6 8 9 10.
[125:06] >> So literally half the Interpole top 10
[125:07] is made up of members of this crew. Is
[125:09] that even possible? Isn't DB Cooper
[125:11] still out there? And
[125:12] >> her digital identity is scrubbed every
[125:14] few seconds worldwide. [laughter]
[125:16] >> What? Also, despite this, we knew who we
[125:19] were looking for when we took this
[125:20] picture of her.
[125:20] >> I'm bringing in an extra pair of hands.
[125:22] >> You know, your mortal enemy as a big
[125:24] surprise, which definitely builds trust
[125:25] between all of us. I had him waiting
[125:27] outside until I gave him an electric
[125:28] shock to queue him into the room. Also,
[125:29] this franchise is officially Pirates of
[125:31] the Caribbean, where everybody changes
[125:32] their good guy and bad guy status to fit
[125:34] some sort of crazy ass narrative. And
[125:36] somehow, this secret government doesn't
[125:37] have anyone as good as this guy with
[125:39] computers.
[125:39] >> Now, aside from myself, there's only two
[125:41] men in the world that have ever managed
[125:42] to actually track him down with any
[125:44] success.
[125:44] >> Plus, one woman, so that's four people
[125:46] at least, so he apparently isn't that
[125:47] hard to find. But sure, we still need
[125:49] Shaw for some reason.
[125:50] >> So, like it or not, you two are going to
[125:52] work together.
[125:53] >> It's just like in all those other movies
[125:55] that paired up two cops criminals that
[125:56] hated each other.
[125:57] >> He's still green. Yeah, like fresh baby.
[126:01] [sighs]
[126:02] >> All right, they're not in China.
[126:03] >> Thanks for holding our hand during this,
[126:04] T.
[126:05] >> Europe's clear.
[126:05] >> You too, girl. They sometimes give lines
[126:07] to
[126:07] >> This is interesting.
[126:08] >> Why?
[126:09] >> Because that's here. [screaming]
[126:11] >> You mean Dom and Cipher were attacking
[126:12] this place at the same time they were
[126:14] being tracked? What great dramatic
[126:15] timing. Dom shoots a whole bunch of
[126:17] glass for some reason, as if he lives
[126:18] his life threequarters through the
[126:19] script of Die Hard at a time. We're
[126:21] supposed to be reminded that Dom is now
[126:22] evil. But everything about this movie
[126:23] tells me he's just faking and will turn
[126:25] good at the last second. So, like this
[126:26] is lost on me. We can't bring Brian and
[126:29] me into this.
[126:30] >> Can't you just make a phone call? Do
[126:31] they even have to be dragged into the
[126:33] situation to help?
[126:33] >> The problem with putting your foot on a
[126:35] tiger's neck is you could never let it
[126:37] out.
[126:37] >> The problem with lines like this is the
[126:38] movie thinks they're cool sounding,
[126:40] which they're not, but also that they
[126:41] make no goddamn sense. Oh [ __ ] that's
[126:43] Elena from A Crap. Which one was it? I
[126:45] think it's the third one. No, it's the
[126:47] fourth one for sure. Wait, it might even
[126:49] be the fifth one. A baby. So, I guess
[126:51] that YouTube video she showed him
[126:52] earlier in Cuba was of this gal in
[126:53] captivity. Even so, how was that enough
[126:56] to get Dom to go 100% rogue to the point
[126:58] where he wouldn't even tip off Letty or
[126:59] the others somehow unexpected Elena?
[127:01] Everyone else,
[127:02] >> I realized I was pregnant. You had just
[127:04] found out Lady was alive.
[127:05] >> This is where the Fast and Furious
[127:07] franchise officially became the Days of
[127:08] Our Lives. It's amazing how side chicks
[127:10] be getting pregnant just before the last
[127:11] time you saw them. Vin Diesel's Oscar
[127:13] clip. Cipher gives Dom a gun and goes
[127:14] through all the reasons why he won't
[127:15] kill her. Ultimately saying, "There's a
[127:16] bunch of dudes ready to kill the son you
[127:18] didn't know you had up until 2 minutes
[127:19] ago." I don't know why she even bothered
[127:20] with this exercise since I thought it
[127:21] was already common knowledge, but
[127:22] bloated movies got a bloat. Yo,
[127:24] >> satellites and radar grids all across
[127:26] the globe. Shift like an ocean.
[127:29] >> If you say so.
[127:30] >> So, you know where Dom is headed?
[127:32] >> Yeah, New York.
[127:33] >> Wait, was he online chatting with
[127:34] somebody who knew where Dom was headed?
[127:36] Did he post a query on Usenet or some? I
[127:38] think it would be a lot more awesome to
[127:39] know how he did this, even if you had to
[127:41] go through some sort of Ant-Man
[127:42] explanation. Speeding like this on this
[127:43] famous bridge brings out zero cops.
[127:45] Weird. Dom just happens to be driving
[127:47] over a bridge that Roman and Tez are
[127:49] currently driving under. That may be the
[127:50] least believable moment in this movie,
[127:52] including the submarine crap.
[127:53] >> Welcome to our new base of operations,
[127:55] >> aka God's car warehouse. Yes, the Fast
[127:58] and Furious series has always been about
[127:59] cars, but this is pushing it to some
[128:01] total [ __ ] levels. This is like all
[128:03] the cars.
[128:04] >> It's neon orange. Don't choose anything
[128:07] less conspicuous.
[128:08] >> Dude, this entire warehouse of cars has
[128:10] nothing conspicuous.
[128:11] >> I like your beard. You're Blanta. Black
[128:14] Santa.
[128:14] >> I got an ATM.
[128:18] Dom can see this ATM from here, which is
[128:20] fine, I guess. But where is it? You and
[128:22] I both know there's no ATM outside that
[128:24] red building there. We find out later
[128:25] that Dom got help to block the ATM
[128:27] camera so that he could set up some plan
[128:28] with Shaw's mom. But how did he
[128:30] communicate his plan with everybody when
[128:31] he's being monitored? Are you saying
[128:32] that Cipher trusts Dom enough to allow
[128:34] him to communicate to people
[128:35] unmonitored? Whatever the case may be,
[128:36] he orchestrated impossible connections
[128:38] in an impossible amount of time
[128:39] >> to give you something back.
[128:43] There is no way Dom does this in 5
[128:45] minutes. I mean, come the on.
[128:47] >> And I'm going to knock your teeth so far
[128:48] down your throat, you're going to stick
[128:50] a toothbrush right up your ass to brush
[128:51] them. Movie believes that we anticipate
[128:53] a rock stith fight so much that we'll be
[128:54] delighted with several scenes devoted to
[128:56] dick swinging.
[129:00] The God's Eye really is the only true
[129:02] conclusion to Hollywood's zoom and
[129:03] enhance obsession. It was always going
[129:04] to end this way.
[129:08] >> It's zombie time.
[129:09] >> Oh, it was zombie time by the fourth or
[129:10] fifth movie. But at least you're finally
[129:12] acknowledging it. Why do you even need
[129:13] Dom? Let alone badly need him for this
[129:15] job.
[129:18] >> Ouch.
[129:19] >> I guess this is kind of cool and all,
[129:20] but this is a super complicated way to
[129:22] get what you want. If you've got God's
[129:23] eye, you can find anyone anywhere in the
[129:24] world. With her connections and knowhow,
[129:26] did it really require a bunch of hacked
[129:28] cars crashing into him to get what she
[129:29] wants?
[129:30] >> Take out the lead and follow cars.
[129:31] >> Luckily, there's a car dealership full
[129:33] of cars we can hack that can crash into
[129:34] them right now.
[129:37] Remember,
[129:40] this is all just to steal a case from
[129:42] one man. Overkill watched this movie and
[129:44] walked out after finding it excessive.
[129:45] >> I don't care if you SEND THE GODDAMN BOY
[129:47] SCOUTS. JUST SEND HIM SOME HELP.
[129:49] >> Now that's dumb.
[129:50] >> It's actually not though. Dom hasn't
[129:52] done dick yet. It's actually 1,000
[129:53] autonomous cars controlled by Charize
[129:55] and one hacker guy. And Dom is just kind
[129:57] of following along and watching. But
[129:58] whatever. Even after that repeated
[130:00] lecture about choosing inconspicuous
[130:01] cars, all these [ __ ] drive out
[130:03] into battle in the most conspicuous cars
[130:05] ever.
[130:09] And all that car control utter bull
[130:11] technobabble was just to set up this
[130:13] raining car shot. And sometimes guys,
[130:15] the visual is not worth the flimsy
[130:16] explanation you weave for. Also,
[130:18] seriously, there are this many cars that
[130:19] you can hack remotely. I don't doubt
[130:21] there would be a lot, but this movie
[130:22] makes it sound like every single car
[130:23] everyone drives is hooked up to a
[130:25] network.
[130:25] >> Target immobilized.
[130:26] >> You're up, Tom.
[130:27] >> Oh, she needed 1,000 cars to immobilize
[130:30] the Russian guy. But Dom is super
[130:32] important as the guy that then goes in
[130:33] to grab the case. Any hired goon could
[130:35] take over here, lady. The more this
[130:36] series focuses on spectacle, the more
[130:38] they raise the middle finger to people
[130:39] who want even a sliver of logic or
[130:41] consistency.
[130:42] >> Give me the case.
[130:43] >> This is how the usual suspects foiled
[130:44] New York's finest taxi service. Only way
[130:46] louder and stupider.
[130:51] >> And I won't be needing this anymore.
[130:53] >> I think I know where my team's at.
[130:55] >> Where?
[130:56] >> Right in front of me.
[130:57] >> I mean, god, these movies. Everything
[130:59] has to be some sort of reveal. Looking
[131:00] for someone? They're in the building
[131:02] right now. Found your team? Make your
[131:03] boss gas before revealing they're here
[131:05] right now.
[131:05] >> Police scanners are saying he stole a
[131:07] nuclear football.
[131:08] >> What? First of all, would police even
[131:10] broadcast that panic-inducing
[131:11] information on channels they know some
[131:12] citizens and journalists are listening
[131:14] to? Also, how would anyone know that
[131:16] this soon after it happened in order to
[131:17] even broadcast it on police scanners in
[131:19] the first place? I don't know. It's
[131:20] funnier, that there's nobody who needs
[131:22] to go down this street or that this guy
[131:23] just totally ran a red light and didn't
[131:25] give a or these people casually sitting
[131:27] down next to the cars watching the
[131:28] movie. If only there were cops in this
[131:30] city.
[131:32] I love how this is so clearly impossible
[131:34] that the filmmakers cut several times
[131:35] during this bull to cover up all the
[131:37] times this car crashed during the stunt.
[131:38] Whoever put together this scene has
[131:40] clearly never driven in Manhattan
[131:41] before. Miles of open road enough to
[131:44] stare down at your ex. Enough to engage
[131:45] the NOS. Somehow of all the stupid they
[131:48] tossed out in brainstorming for this
[131:49] movie, Car Harpoon still made the final
[131:51] cut or Carpon if you will. I love how
[131:53] these movies show cars that are clearly
[131:54] already going as fast as they can,
[131:56] complete with a NOS injection, and yet
[131:57] there's always another gear that these
[131:59] [ __ ] can try. Like there's a
[132:00] theoretical notch on the stick that
[132:02] summons Dumbledore to make your ride
[132:03] sicker.
[132:04] >> You got to have about 2,000 horsepower
[132:05] in that thing.
[132:06] >> Try 30,000.
[132:08] >> Try five.
[132:09] >> Whatever it is, it's [ __ ] Five
[132:11] government made cars can't stop this
[132:12] thing. Also, does nobody have a gun that
[132:14] can shoot out the tires.
[132:17] >> GO.
[132:17] >> While Dom is fake reacting to fake
[132:19] killing Deckard, Lettying ninjas up on
[132:21] him and steals the case somehow.
[132:23] >> What are you going to do?
[132:24] >> I feel bad for Charlies Then in this
[132:25] movie because for half of it, she's by
[132:27] herself looking at a screen delivering
[132:28] pointless lines. I don't know why you're
[132:30] doing this, but I know one thing.
[132:32] >> You better have a previously hereto for
[132:34] unknown young son being held hostage or
[132:35] so help me God.
[132:36] >> I will just take it from a dead girl.
[132:39] >> Love is what finally makes Dom abandon
[132:41] his evil character and break good. Love
[132:43] for Lety over love for his son or
[132:45] something. I don't really think
[132:46] character motivation is something these
[132:47] movies give much thought to.
[132:48] >> Decard, he didn't make it.
[132:50] >> Movie flat out lies to you to set up a
[132:51] stupid reveal later. But also, why are
[132:53] they sad about Deckard's death? He was
[132:55] the villain in the last movie. They
[132:57] don't exactly love that guy, right? You
[132:58] made the choice to let her go and now I
[133:01] have to make one of my own.
[133:02] >> So I turned off all the lights and
[133:04] waited until you got here to set up this
[133:05] surprise. I'm going to kill your baby
[133:06] party.
[133:09] >> This kid would not be calling Dom da on
[133:12] his second encounter with him. This is
[133:13] one of the cheapest boys to pull
[133:14] audience heartstrings ever.
[133:16] >> NO. [screaming and groaning]
[133:19] >> Now they're going to have to find a
[133:20] babysitter.
[133:21] >> Connor Rhodess. He's also linked to
[133:23] somebody I'd quite like to forget.
[133:24] >> This movie just became Spectre all of a
[133:26] sudden. Hey, remember all those
[133:27] characters from previous chapters?
[133:28] They're all tied to one main baddy
[133:30] somehow, even though that's clearly
[133:32] impossible.
[133:32] >> Thinking your son got me the codes? The
[133:35] codes will get me the nukes.
[133:36] >> Yeah, but shouldn't you have done
[133:38] something with those codes as soon as
[133:39] you got them? You know, besides setting
[133:40] up that elaborate threat to kill Dom's
[133:42] baby mama and kid. Doesn't Russia know
[133:44] that somebody has their codes and are
[133:45] changing them at this very second? Or
[133:46] are nuclear codes that insecure that if
[133:48] they got stolen, someone really has this
[133:50] kind of power? The problem we've had
[133:51] with tracking Cipher is there's nothing
[133:52] to trace
[133:53] >> except for the satellite blind spots
[133:54] that Jason Staithm figured out to track
[133:56] Dom's secret flight to New York City.
[133:58] But he didn't bother teaching anyone
[133:59] that. So I guess that knowledge died
[134:00] with him.
[134:01] >> We got to call this in all the way up
[134:02] the chain.
[134:03] >> Unfortunately, the Russian Minister of
[134:05] Defense got himself involved in a little
[134:06] incident on US territory and two
[134:09] governments aren't talking to each other
[134:10] for a while.
[134:10] >> Huh. So you shouldn't even try. Is it
[134:13] really that simple of a reason? Come the
[134:14] on. We're talking about goddamn stolen
[134:16] nuclear codes here. Not shooting down a
[134:18] spy plane. Pray that the apocalypse
[134:20] doesn't come knocking on your mama's
[134:21] front door.
[134:22] >> The Rock has reverted back to full WWE
[134:24] mode these days, and his movies are
[134:26] suffering for it.
[134:26] >> Take whatever vehicle you want. All bets
[134:29] are off.
[134:29] >> Yeah, but you're going to ice Russia.
[134:31] And yet some of these fools will still
[134:32] choose Lambos and stupid ass like that.
[134:38] [laughter]
[134:38] Do they parachute these cars on top of
[134:40] this mountain? Are you telling me
[134:41] Russian airspace is this awful they
[134:43] didn't spot a large cargo plane flying
[134:44] through here? Or that the separatists
[134:46] who control this base somehow missed
[134:47] them? Yep. about to drive dangerously on
[134:49] ice and snow in a goddamn Lambo. Common
[134:51] sense beed, damned, again, and left for
[134:54] dead on the side of the road. I mean,
[134:56] really, only three of the five heroes
[134:58] make sensible snow vehicle choices.
[134:59] >> I tried to take a piss. I didn't even
[135:02] recognize myself.
[135:03] >> That's a dick joke right there. If this
[135:05] EMP is as powerful as this movie says it
[135:07] is, then why doesn't it also stop Dom's
[135:09] car dead in its tracks? You know, since
[135:10] it's on top of it.
[135:11] >> I think Cipher just rebooted that sub to
[135:13] slave its command system. Wait, are you
[135:15] telling me this nuclear submarine can be
[135:16] remotely hacked just because Cipher used
[135:18] the EMP? A nuclear submarine? Seriously,
[135:21] >> if you can get me into that wheelhouse,
[135:23] I can tap the network and counter hack
[135:24] Cipher. [laughter]
[135:28] [gasps]
[135:31] >> Look, I know this car was made by God or
[135:33] whatever, but now it's able to crash
[135:34] into a building and an armored truck
[135:35] like they're not even there. And oh,
[135:37] look, the bad guys are at a facility
[135:38] that has all these exposed gas tanks
[135:40] around, so things can explode easily.
[135:42] Isn't that nice?
[135:43] >> Knock knock. Open up the door. It's
[135:44] real.
[135:48] >> Who is where? You don't care, guys. I'm
[135:51] just tired. I actively hope Dom dies or
[135:53] at the very least fails every time he
[135:55] does a stunt like this. On top of this,
[135:56] he even kills a ton of bad guys in the
[135:58] process. He can't be this good or lucky.
[136:00] It takes all the tension out of the
[136:01] scenes when the guy doesn't ever lose.
[136:03] >> Okay, how do you like this? While it's
[136:05] taken roughly a movie and a half for
[136:07] Ramsay to actually do anything, and we
[136:08] know she's a crazy good hacker, I find
[136:10] it extraordinarily laughable that she
[136:12] could counterhack Cipher this quickly
[136:13] since she's supposed to be equally good,
[136:15] if not better.
[136:16] >> Hi, Ramsay.
[136:17] >> And then she counterounter hacks. And I
[136:19] wonder how these two amazing hackers
[136:20] don't have any protections in play when
[136:21] they're off doing their hacking.
[136:22] >> They're entering the weapons room.
[136:24] >> Yeah, my computer can totally show you
[136:26] detailed heat maps of people running
[136:27] around inside a nuclear sub.
[136:33] God's eye, my ass. She's just God.
[136:40] [groaning]
[136:40] >> By the way, all this punching and
[136:41] kicking and yelling, is this doing
[136:43] anything for you? These are the scenes
[136:44] where the characters who have nothing to
[136:45] do are inserted into the action to fight
[136:47] basically faceless drones inducing
[136:49] yawning.
[136:50] >> She's locked me out.
[136:51] >> Weird that she didn't do that before.
[136:53] >> What in the HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
[136:55] IT'LL BE LABELED GUIDANCE GO.
[136:56] >> Why didn't you say that in the first
[136:58] place?
[137:01] >> Yep. You've got the upper hand on one
[137:03] person when your entire base just goted
[137:05] up. Time for a good cackle, which will
[137:07] ultimately lead to your demise. This is
[137:08] like the guy who sacks the backup
[137:10] quarterback in the fourth quarter in a
[137:11] game his team is losing 67 to3.
[137:13] >> And we have a countdown.
[137:14] >> I'd like to remind at this point that
[137:15] Cipher got access to this missile
[137:17] because she stole nuclear codes from a
[137:18] Russian Minister of Defense. This base
[137:20] was taken over by Russian separatists
[137:21] and yet the Russian government was still
[137:23] in control of those missiles.
[137:24] Apparently, they didn't bother to change
[137:26] or remove those codes from the nuclear
[137:27] football when those guys took over. I
[137:29] find that unlikely, but hey, I guess
[137:30] stupid things happen in the real world
[137:32] all the time.
[137:32] >> We got the chip. No nukes for her.
[137:34] >> What are you, the nuke Nazi?
[137:36] >> God, we got company. A lot of company.
[137:38] >> A lot of military company. Are they
[137:40] supporting Charize or just defending a
[137:42] Russian base? Who knows? Who cares? And
[137:44] who let the dogs out?
[137:45] >> No, no, no, no, no. This is not good.
[137:47] >> You have no sympathy from me, Tyrese.
[137:49] You chose the Lambo knowing you were
[137:50] headed to Ice Russia. Personally, I feel
[137:52] like this is payback for years of
[137:53] coasting on your part. Despite the fact
[137:54] that Roman is comically spinning on the
[137:56] ice, the Russian terrorist guys can't
[137:58] hit him or really anybody. They're kind
[137:59] of a terrible group of thugs. Actually,
[138:00] I don't even know how they took this
[138:01] base over in the first place.
[138:03] >> Dom, do you really want to put that car
[138:05] in gear?
[138:06] >> While we contemplate whether Dom wants
[138:07] to put this car in gear, who's taking
[138:09] care of his kid? Is there really a bad
[138:11] guy who's feeding his son and changing
[138:12] diapers? I would love to see that movie.
[138:14] Oh, wait, maybe not. Forget what I said.
[138:16] TZ starts blasting away and instantly
[138:18] hits one of the trucks. Something that
[138:19] none of the [ __ ] behind him could do
[138:21] for a full minute of blasting. And oh
[138:22] look, this one is going to take out more
[138:24] trucks. It reminds me of that old adage,
[138:26] life is always fair and full of constant
[138:28] good luck.
[138:32] Okay, so how's he holding on to the
[138:34] outside of the door? Remember, the door
[138:36] is closed until the tank rips it off. So
[138:38] once that tears off, he better be
[138:40] holding on to the inside of it, or else
[138:41] he's done for. Maybe once it rips off,
[138:43] he grabs the outside, but that would be
[138:45] an incredible feat considering the speed
[138:46] at which all this takes place. Come on,
[138:48] guys. Kill him. Sweep the leg. If Dom is
[138:51] constantly being monitored on this
[138:52] operation, then how is he getting away
[138:53] with these obvious shenanigans?
[138:55] >> Surprise.
[138:56] >> Okay, so Dom shot Deckard earlier and to
[138:58] no one's surprise except Cipher, he's
[139:00] still alive. My question is, how did
[139:01] they plan this? Remember all this? How
[139:03] did Dom know it would come to this? As
[139:05] luck would have it, this entire scene
[139:06] leads to the moment where Decard is able
[139:08] to chase him to a secluded area to fake
[139:09] his death. Also, with God's eye, how did
[139:11] Cipher not track every movement Decard
[139:13] made until she can confirm his death?
[139:19] See, I told you. But hilariously, the
[139:22] movie made him so paper thin in the
[139:23] opening scene, it doesn't trust you to
[139:24] remember his face and has to literally
[139:26] show you who he is. Also, you movie. You
[139:28] mean Dom asked this guy from the
[139:30] beginning to fly from Cuba all the way
[139:31] to New York City to do 5 minutes worth
[139:33] of work. Doesn't Dom have like closer
[139:34] connections who could easily do this
[139:36] job.
[139:36] >> Congratulations, Dom. You just killed
[139:38] your son.
[139:39] >> How stupid is Cipher right now? She saw
[139:41] the transporter and barred the Bowman 3
[139:42] minutes ago. Does she really think Dom
[139:44] would be so arrogant if he didn't have
[139:45] his son secured? You're wrong. I just
[139:48] saved him.
[139:49] >> By the way, to play the devil's advocate
[139:50] here, and I will since Charlie's Theren
[139:52] is in this movie, Dom is still a little
[139:53] too arrogant here dealing with Cipher.
[139:55] For all he knows, she's crazy enough to
[139:56] crash the plane with her, the Shaw
[139:58] brothers, and his son on it.
[139:59] >> What do we do now?
[140:00] >> We start praying.
[140:04] >> Fast and Furious crew must have started
[140:05] praying because Dom in his supercar, a
[140:08] literal deexmakina, comes to the rescue.
[140:10] Also, they made a car that is too
[140:11] awesome in this movie. No flaws
[140:13] whatsoever. You're literally Superman in
[140:15] this car. Not setting the baby down
[140:16] before fighting.
[140:18] >> GRAB THEM BACK. WHAT? TURN THE GODDAMN
[140:21] WHEEL TO THE LEFT REALLY QUICKLY.
[140:25] >> God damn. This scene This scene just
[140:27] broke the sin counter. Meanwhile, a
[140:29] movie still has the audacity to steal
[140:31] the kid has headphones on during the
[140:32] gunfight scene from Face Off.
[140:34] >> It's right under us. Get out the way.
[140:35] >> How did the submarine catch up to the
[140:37] cars? If you're telling me the cars are
[140:38] only going 40 mph, okay, maybe I'll
[140:41] believe you. But they're going pretty
[140:42] much full speed as best they can. Am I
[140:44] right? And subs can go like 45 mph tops.
[140:47] Correct.
[140:47] >> We got this.
[140:54] >> Are you okay? Are you okay? Help. Chris,
[140:57] the sin counter isn't breathing, man.
[140:59] Help 911. Oh my god. [laughter]
[141:02] It's dead, isn't it? It's [ __ ] dead.
[141:08] [laughter] Why? God,
[141:11] why
[141:13] take me? [laughter]
[141:15] >> All right,
[141:17] come and get him.
[141:18] >> Dom foolishly believes this
[141:19] indestructible car can be destroyed by a
[141:21] heat-seeking missile. He could just put
[141:23] this in park and watch the thing
[141:24] harmlessly glance off the side view
[141:25] mirror.
[141:29] Well, they finally did it. The Fast and
[141:31] Furious franchise just jumped the sub.
[141:33] No. No. [ __ ] you. This movie
[141:40] That is not how fire works. Um, a
[141:44] handful of cars around a guy generally
[141:46] will not save said guy from damage
[141:47] during a raging explosion fire. Just
[141:49] FYI.
[141:50] >> How did you find me?
[141:52] >> You want to see the old town?
[141:55] Watch.
[141:55] >> If Dom gave Cipher a necklace by which
[141:57] Decard could track her, why didn't he
[141:59] pass this information onto his team as
[142:00] well? They lucked out finding her in
[142:02] Russia by guessing her most logical
[142:03] target. But that would have been really
[142:05] handy information to have no matter
[142:06] what. Why did Decard's death need to be
[142:08] a surprise to the team?
[142:09] >> There's only one flaw in your plan.
[142:12] >> What's that?
[142:13] >> Only one of us has a parachute.
[142:15] >> That's extremely presumptuous on your
[142:16] part. But anything that gets us closer
[142:18] to the ending of the movie is fine by
[142:19] me.
[142:19] >> Cuz it's all kind of nuclearism
[142:21] happening under this ice.
[142:23] >> Relax. Without the trigger chips, those
[142:25] nukes are harmless.
[142:26] >> Not to mention, the entire sub exploded
[142:28] a minute ago. You really think the nuke
[142:30] survived that? Is it going to be
[142:33] Revenge of the Nerds or The Dark Knight?
[142:37] >> Obviously, this isn't even a real choice
[142:38] when it comes to movies, but is this
[142:40] movie really saying that Ramsay wants
[142:41] either of these guys? Are these her only
[142:43] choices in life? Is she even considering
[142:45] going out with one of them? I would have
[142:47] loved it if she suddenly had a
[142:48] girlfriend or a Grey Worm.
[142:50] >> You've heard me say that you never turn
[142:53] your back on family.
[142:54] >> No, never heard you say that once in one
[142:56] movie. That's a new concept you just
[142:58] invented right now.
[143:05] Comcast
[143:06] >> MI6 wants him alive [music] for
[143:08] questioning. Targets in a metal coffer.
[143:10] Every agency and terrace cell is looking
[143:12] for it.
[143:12] >> Big nasty supervirus McGuffin can
[143:14] destroy humanity. Blah blah blah. And
[143:16] two random people. Oh, and one was once
[143:18] the bad guy are the only ones who can
[143:19] save the world. Cliche. Considering
[143:21] these two dudes were not in her line of
[143:23] sight when she started running, how
[143:24] exactly did she know she was about to do
[143:26] this awesome jump, kick, and roll move?
[143:27] KILL THE GROUND [screaming] NOW.
[143:29] >> GLAD THE FAST AND Furious franchise
[143:31] finally got around to introducing
[143:32] Heimdoll. Also, why does he even need
[143:34] this? This guy's attack probability was
[143:36] 30%. Would he do anything differently in
[143:38] this scene? And excuse me, finger
[143:39] pressure. Don't worry, the editing will
[143:40] beat the ass for you. Never mind that
[143:42] Ela has a built-in computer screen that
[143:44] can calculate attack probability and
[143:46] finger pressure. It can't make him shoot
[143:48] straight. Unless that virus also turned
[143:49] Hattie into a superhuman, there is zero
[143:51] chance she has run this far away from
[143:53] the scene in the time it would have
[143:54] taken Brixton to get to the truck. Two
[143:56] minutes ago, the movie showed us a split
[143:57] screen of Rock and Stam getting up and
[143:59] going through their daily routine. Why
[144:00] not just do that with the fighting as
[144:01] well? And none of this is all that
[144:03] thrilling on its own. They could have
[144:04] even staged the fights in such a way
[144:05] that the parallels between them could
[144:07] have been funny.
[144:07] >> Why don't you ever talk about Sam? Did
[144:09] something happen?
[144:10] >> For the LOVE OF GOD, SKIP.
[144:12] >> CHEAT DAY.
[144:12] >> Cheat day.
[144:13] >> Movie you thought was the ninth Fast and
[144:15] Furious film is actually a stealth
[144:16] prequel to the gluttony victim in seven.
[144:18] >> If someone leaves a back door open, it's
[144:20] a bit da not to try and use it.
[144:21] >> Porn proverbs.
[144:22] >> What's dafted? He's paying one of the
[144:24] screws to leave it open, but not paying
[144:25] them enough to get their mouth shut.
[144:26] >> Porn psalms.
[144:27] >> Now listen, have you spoken with your
[144:29] sister?
[144:30] >> Jesus. This movie should have titled
[144:31] Fast and Furious presents Hobbs and Shaw
[144:33] Bloodlines. With all the surprised
[144:35] family members these [ __ ] suddenly
[144:36] have.
[144:36] >> It was called The Keith Moon because
[144:38] [music]
[144:38] >> it involves lots of explosive percussion
[144:40] and permanent ear damage.
[144:41] >> Jesus, this movie should have been
[144:43] called the Keith Moon. It seems like a
[144:44] good time to bring up that Jason Staithm
[144:46] and Vanessa Kirby have a 21-year age
[144:48] difference between them. And look it. So
[144:50] the idea that they were kids together is
[144:52] possibly the most ridiculous plot point
[144:54] in this entire series. And there was a
[144:55] scene in one of the movies where cars
[144:56] outran a submarine on ice.
[144:58] >> Lucas Rebecca Hobbs.
[145:00] >> Ah, sudden Deadpool.
[145:02] >> I seem to remember getting a little
[145:03] something like this.
[145:05] >> Ryan Reynolds is a welcome addition to
[145:06] just about any film, but I have zero
[145:08] clue if I'm supposed to think he's just
[145:10] being funny or if he's the creepiest
[145:12] movie stalker since Play Misty for me.
[145:14] >> Say hello to the CT17 virus,
[145:16] affectionately cenamed the snowflake.
[145:18] While the document lock shows Hobs does
[145:20] say Snowflake, it actually says it's
[145:22] affectionately codenamed the unicorn.
[145:23] >> Last night, she was part of an MI6 team
[145:25] tasked with securing the virus.
[145:26] >> Some say she appeared in a movie that
[145:28] you could refer to as MI6, but confusing
[145:31] those would cause massive fallout
[145:32] between your friends.
[145:33] >> He knows I can see him, right?
[145:34] >> He knows nothing, Jon Snow.
[145:36] >> So, if he knows what Game of Thrones is,
[145:38] then why did he say
[145:39] >> Game of Thrones Janet's house?
[145:41] >> Lannister always pays his debt. This
[145:43] movie thinks someone not knowing what
[145:44] Game of Thrones is, then in a twist
[145:46] reveals that he does know is somehow
[145:48] amusing.
[145:48] >> All right, who's on the case?
[145:50] >> Why in the is Shaw on any CIA case? He's
[145:53] essentially a bad guy. He spent all of
[145:55] Furious 7 trying to kill the main
[145:56] characters and then they retcon Tokyo
[145:58] Drift so we could see that he killed
[146:00] Han. Remember that? And sure, he helped
[146:02] save a baby in the last Fast and Furious
[146:04] movie, but he also killed like an entire
[146:06] hospital when he went to go visit his
[146:08] brother in Furious 7. Little
[146:09] >> joke for you, L. What do uh CIA
[146:11] operatives and police boss have in
[146:13] common? They are two things I don't give
[146:15] a toss about. [sighs]
[146:17] >> We at the CIA believe that when we hire
[146:18] someone to find somebody, we need to get
[146:20] their sibling to do it. No chance
[146:21] there's a conflict of interest there.
[146:22] No, sir Reek.
[146:23] >> I mean, you think you're going to be
[146:24] able to put aside any petty rivalries to
[146:25] save the world?
[146:26] >> No way.
[146:28] >> Good to know our planet's top agencies
[146:30] feel perfectly comfortable putting two
[146:31] guys who hate each other on the same
[146:33] team just for the comedy. Also, why only
[146:35] two guys if the virus is such a threat
[146:37] to the entire world? Two guys.
[146:39] >> Exactly. Why I hate working with you?
[146:42] It's your voice.
[146:44] It's your nasly prepubescent Harry
[146:47] Potter voice.
[146:48] >> Movie wastes about a quarter of its
[146:49] runtime on Hobs and Shaw insulting each
[146:51] other without whit for long stretches of
[146:52] time.
[146:53] >> Guys,
[146:53] >> why don't you two take a seat and we'll
[146:55] talk through this.
[146:56] >> What are these guys doing in this other
[146:57] room anyways? Why would they be
[146:58] recording Hobbs and Shaw's conversation?
[147:00] Why is this scene?
[147:01] >> Me and you, us have been [music] down
[147:03] this route. It's a total waste of time.
[147:05] >> Initial test screening reactions for
[147:06] this film somehow made it into the final
[147:08] cut. I don't undercover often, but if
[147:10] you want to make yourself less
[147:11] noticeable, is going for the exotic and
[147:12] sexy librarian look, the best avenue to
[147:14] take? Got
[147:15] >> a lot of nasty people looking for you.
[147:16] >> Okay, so the only thing Hobbs had to go
[147:18] on to find Harriet was this picture and
[147:20] this map showing places the cameras
[147:22] didn't cover. How was he able to know
[147:23] exactly where she was going to be and
[147:25] recognize her with a wig and sunglasses
[147:26] using just that? Everything involving
[147:28] this darkly lit, quickly edited action
[147:30] scene with Jason Stathithm is eye
[147:31] cancer. Well, good thing this grenade
[147:33] they kicked over 20 seconds ago didn't
[147:35] explode and is still spinning so that
[147:36] Shaw can realize it's the danger and
[147:38] disarm it at the last minute.
[147:39] >> When you saw her photo, you definitely
[147:41] gave the eyebrow.
[147:42] >> Please don't do the eye thing. Please
[147:43] don't do the eye thing. Please don't do
[147:44] the eye thing. Please don't do the eye
[147:45] thing. Damn it. Also, Hobbs thought this
[147:47] phone call was important enough to take
[147:49] while interviewing the most wanted
[147:50] person on the planet. A person he left
[147:52] guarded by an underling.
[147:53] >> That is my sister.
[147:55] >> How the does Hobbs not know this? You
[147:56] mean he got the job from Lock, who gave
[147:58] him a dossier, flew all the way to
[147:59] London, got further briefings on the
[148:01] mission when he got there, and the
[148:02] connection didn't come up once.
[148:03] >> Bull, she's too good-look to be your
[148:05] sister.
[148:05] >> I honestly can't figure out half the
[148:07] time if these are actual thoughts Hobbs
[148:08] is having about Shaw or if he's just
[148:10] with him, and vice versa. I also can't
[148:12] figure out half the time if this movie
[148:13] is for real or is just punching me in
[148:14] the for 2 hours and 16 minutes. What is
[148:16] this place again? Oh yeah, it's a CIA
[148:19] black site. How in the did these guys
[148:20] get up here to do this without being
[148:22] detected? Every time a character
[148:23] survives something like this, for the
[148:24] rest of the movie, I'm just going to say
[148:26] chumanji. Once again, why does Brixton
[148:28] need this? This seems to be more of an
[148:29] advertisement for The Rock's punching
[148:30] strength than it is useful information.
[148:32] Oh, look. It took Brixton this exact
[148:33] amount of time to lick the car off
[148:35] himself so that Hobbs and the two Shaws
[148:36] could get away and the movie could have
[148:37] a chase scene. Nothing like random
[148:39] product placement for a car 99% of the
[148:41] viewing audience can't afford.
[148:42] >> You want to tell me just what in [music]
[148:43] the fresh turkey hell we're dealing with
[148:45] here?
[148:45] >> Fresh turkey hell.
[148:46] >> Eight years ago, I pulled a bullet
[148:48] through his brain.
[148:48] >> Great. So, we're being chased by the
[148:50] Terminator.
[148:51] >> Honestly, if a Terminator showed up
[148:52] right now, would this film be any
[148:54] sillier? I'm going with no. Will a movie
[148:56] just once show a scene like this at full
[148:57] speed? Is slow-mo the only way this is
[148:59] exciting? Of course, it cuts like four
[149:01] times during this stunt. So, my guess is
[149:03] it isn't even possible at full speed.
[149:04] And all your movie magic takes all the
[149:06] piss out of it. So, why would the
[149:07] motorcycle even have that function? The
[149:09] real weapon is Brixton and not the bike.
[149:10] Was there a meeting where someone piped
[149:12] up, you know, there might be a time when
[149:13] Brixton has to get his bike under a
[149:14] large moving vehicle and then someone
[149:16] else said, "Good point. Does anyone here
[149:17] know how to build a transformer?" Okay,
[149:19] ride's over. Going to lose this car.
[149:21] >> We also might be responsible for a lot
[149:22] of deaths that occurred over the last
[149:23] few minutes, including the people on
[149:25] that double-decker bus we just
[149:26] recklessly sent Brixton flying through.
[149:28] But no need to think about that now.
[149:29] We've got more things to punch our way
[149:30] through.
[149:31] >> Just got real.
[149:33] >> Even if Eton can control the media like
[149:35] this, they can't create a script and
[149:36] upload doctor pictures and footage to
[149:38] all of the networks and have the
[149:39] reporters reciting it in the two or
[149:41] three minutes it took Hobbs and Shaw to
[149:42] walk to the street corner.
[149:43] >> No time for alpha male right now.
[149:45] >> Too bad summer movie audiences didn't
[149:47] say the same thing. Maybe they will when
[149:48] Fast and Furious presents Hobs and Shaw,
[149:50] too. Two Hobs, two Shaw, go to space in
[149:52] 2022.
[149:53] >> Russian newspaper. There's only one
[149:54] place in London that sells that.
[149:56] >> How the do you know this is a Russian
[149:57] newspaper that can only be sold in one
[149:59] place just by looking at a grading photo
[150:01] on Hobs's phone? And how do you know
[150:02] that's the only place that sells the
[150:04] newspaper? A
[150:04] >> super disaster.
[150:05] >> If this guy's been buying this very
[150:07] specific newspaper from this news stand
[150:08] every day, why did the CIA have a hard
[150:10] time finding? The guy does this as a
[150:12] matter of routine and they took a
[150:13] picture of him because he's a person of
[150:14] interest. Finding him would have been
[150:16] super easy. You kill her.
[150:17] >> Excuse me?
[150:18] >> No. And burn the body. Of course.
[150:19] >> Of course.
[150:20] >> Of course.
[150:20] >> I guess this hilarious comedy scene was
[150:22] written by Jimmy two times. Jimmy two
[150:24] times.
[150:24] >> Used it for a job over in Italy.
[150:26] >> You might even say it was the Italian
[150:28] job.
[150:28] >> Now, regular back channels aren't going
[150:30] to work this time. We're going to have
[150:31] to do our best to blend in.
[150:32] >> As brother and sister Shaw have pointed
[150:33] out in this movie, blending in is not a
[150:35] strong suit for Hobbs. And how does he
[150:37] know the regular back channels wouldn't
[150:38] work? Lock is clearly on board with him.
[150:39] And he's freaking CIA, so pretty sure
[150:41] they could figure something out.
[150:42] >> I'm France. Gruber
[150:43] >> Shaw is wearing glasses as a disguise.
[150:46] But this picture on his fake passport
[150:47] looks pretty much the same as the photo
[150:49] that's being shown all around the world.
[150:51] There is no disguise on this picture at
[150:52] all.
[150:53] >> Hands on your head, Oxmall. Can't
[150:55] believe you did that.
[150:56] >> He was going to slow us down.
[150:57] >> I know Shaw hates Hobbs, but that entire
[150:59] Mike Oxmall scene was for the comedy and
[151:02] definitely not the practicality. Even
[151:03] though he knows Hobbs is going to get
[151:04] out of it anyway, the whole thing
[151:06] stupidly endangers the mission in a
[151:07] hundred ways. Why did she take her wig
[151:09] off? They're trying not to get caught,
[151:10] right? That was quicker than I thought.
[151:12] >> Yep. Because I have a secret weapon.
[151:14] People actually like me.
[151:15] >> This is the only explanation the movie
[151:17] gives for Hobbes being let go from
[151:18] airport security and to be allowed on
[151:20] the plane in time. By the way, now
[151:22] nobody's wearing disguises. Hobbs and
[151:23] Shaw have been on every news program
[151:25] saying they're terrorists for the last
[151:26] 24 hours. And if I know TV, every
[151:28] commercial break had a trailer for this
[151:29] movie playing on it, so they're doubly
[151:31] screwed if they don't want to get
[151:32] recognized.
[151:33] >> Anytime you ever say anything, it makes
[151:34] me want to take my boot and shove it so
[151:36] far up your ass, you're going to be
[151:37] spitting out shoelaces all week.
[151:39] >> We did this earlier. It's not even
[151:41] believable they hate each other this
[151:42] much anymore. In fact, if I'm reading
[151:43] into what Hobbs's daughter said about
[151:45] two people annoying each other being
[151:46] flirting, then these [ __ ] are about
[151:48] to join the Mile High Club.
[151:49] >> Want to do an Irish jig on your ass ugly
[151:51] face at 30,000 ft.
[151:53] >> Okay, skip. And yes, that includes a
[151:56] surprise Kevin Hart cameo that happens
[151:57] during the scene that I definitely don't
[151:58] know about because I just skipped it.
[152:00] >> I want our property out of that girl's
[152:01] blood.
[152:02] >> Okay, why? You have a scientist who
[152:04] created the virus, but you'd rather
[152:05] extract it out of Hattie's blood because
[152:08] the plot. I know Eion wants Hobbs and
[152:09] Shaw on their side. So, capturing Hattie
[152:11] might be important, but you really don't
[152:13] need the virus that's inside her if you
[152:14] can just make it. A group of foxy chicks
[152:16] who steal from Russian mobsters. Why
[152:18] can't we see that movie? How this movie
[152:19] has a cyborg Idris Elba, and yet it's
[152:22] way more concerned with what kind of
[152:23] childish insult Hobs and Shaw can throw
[152:25] at each other than the badassery of that
[152:27] premise.
[152:27] >> McJagger was a job that required one
[152:29] person to showboat to draw all the eyes
[152:31] while the others made the music.
[152:34] It also requires two guys to be riding
[152:36] bikes and two other guys running
[152:38] directly behind them and keeping up with
[152:39] them somehow. So that when I swung the
[152:41] paddle, all four of them would end up
[152:42] crumpled on the sidewalk.
[152:43] >> I got a shotgun. I got a shotgun. No,
[152:45] no, no. Don't start.
[152:46] >> These guys are arguing about riding
[152:47] shotgun on a jet. Next argument. Apples
[152:49] versus oranges TO THE DEATH.
[152:51] >> WE'RE ENTERING THE DROP ZONE. You ready?
[152:53] >> This drop zone contains neither Wesley
[152:54] Snipes nor Gary Buucy.
[152:58] Damn, you guys waited a long ass time to
[153:00] open those parachutes, didn't you,
[153:01] Jamanji?
[153:03] >> [music]
[153:05] >> Yeah, why should we see a good fight?
[153:06] It's not like you built it up to be one
[153:08] or anything.
[153:11] For once, this movie is in sync with the
[153:13] audience.
[153:14] >> Axis, deny.
[153:15] >> I was going to say Shaw might need to
[153:16] remove the half mask from the guy's
[153:18] face, but here he doesn't have it, even
[153:20] though in the previous shot he did.
[153:21] Also, these [ __ ] are on a time
[153:23] crunch, so I don't know why Shaw doesn't
[153:24] simply run over to Hob's side and run
[153:26] through his door. These doors go to the
[153:27] same place. Also, also, why didn't Hob's
[153:30] door open immediately after he got the
[153:31] access granted message? Why would these
[153:32] two doors be connected to each other for
[153:34] any reason? To have two people open one
[153:36] door that makes sense for security
[153:38] reasons, but two people two different
[153:39] doors.
[153:41] Wait, why didn't you use that infrared
[153:43] thing you used before you walked into
[153:44] the [ __ ] room with a bull henchman?
[153:46] So that's all she had restraining her
[153:47] arm, a band of Velcro. She had a cuff on
[153:50] her left hand and Velcro on her right,
[153:51] which is a mismatch in confinement and
[153:53] when you do Fifty Shades of Roleplay.
[153:55] >> Genocide.
[153:56] >> This was the working title of this
[153:57] movie.
[153:58] >> Look at the two of you. The fate of the
[153:59] world is in your hands and you can't
[154:00] even get along. I'm still amazed that
[154:02] Hobbs and Shaw are the only ones taking
[154:03] on this job. Like, as soon as Brixton
[154:05] went to the lab, Hobbs and Shaw should
[154:07] have had all sorts of backup on this
[154:08] mission. Remember, this movie is about a
[154:10] virus that can kill everybody on Earth
[154:12] in a week.
[154:13] >> Look at me. I'm like Superman.
[154:15] >> Once again, the movie introduces story
[154:17] ideas that are better than this one. Not
[154:18] only that, but they've wasted the
[154:20] premise of the Elvinator in this movie.
[154:21] >> I'm going to rip the arm off this chair.
[154:23] I'm going to smash him right in the
[154:24] face. Stab him right in the neck for
[154:26] looking that way. As much as I enjoy
[154:28] True Lies, it's absolutely insane to me
[154:30] how many versions of the chair scene
[154:31] have been created since its release. And
[154:33] this just makes me realize I'd rather be
[154:34] watching Charlie's Angels again over
[154:36] this. And that is 100% a sin.
[154:38] >> You're not going to shoot me
[154:40] because you need an activation chip to
[154:42] fire that gun.
[154:42] >> Feels like super spyt would know this
[154:44] and the gun itself would light up or
[154:46] something to tell the user that the
[154:47] activation wasn't set before pulling the
[154:49] trigger. But I guess this unauthorized
[154:51] gun usage happens so often that they
[154:52] want to keep its activation secret just
[154:54] in case this very situation COMES UP.
[154:58] >> They make Hattie out to be the most
[154:59] badass character in this movie, but when
[155:01] it comes down to stopping Brixton, she
[155:03] has to be saved by the professor. I love
[155:05] Eddie Marson as much as the next person,
[155:07] but World's End wouldn't stand a chance
[155:09] against Princess Margaret. So having him
[155:10] be the one to save her just seems so
[155:12] wrong. Also, guns needing activation
[155:14] chips, finger matches, etc. to work in
[155:16] movies is so dumb. There are too many
[155:18] variables that would screw everything
[155:19] up. As annoying as forgot to take the
[155:20] safety off is, it still makes way more
[155:22] sense than this common plot device.
[155:24] Hobbs just busts through his chains
[155:26] because he's super strong. I'll allow
[155:27] that. But then Shaw jumps on the chair
[155:29] and does something. And whatever it is
[155:31] sets him free. I hate this entire scene
[155:33] where Hobbs and Shaw need to save
[155:34] Hattie. When we see the car, we don't
[155:36] see her running. When we see her
[155:37] running, we don't see the car. The rooms
[155:38] aren't even numbered sequentially to
[155:40] help provide context for where they are
[155:41] and where she is.
[155:43] >> McJagger
[155:44] >> never files.
[155:44] >> What? That is exactly what happened. The
[155:46] Mcjagger stopped working once Hattie
[155:48] couldn't fire the gun. And then the
[155:49] Eddie Marson kicked in and saved all of
[155:51] your asses. As ridiculous as what I just
[155:52] pointed out was, it's still what
[155:54] happened. So own it movie.
[155:59] >> That sense really is Black Superman.
[156:02] >> Because Superman is known for his
[156:03] amazing skills on a motorcycle. RUNNING
[156:05] OUT.
[156:06] >> HOLD ON.
[156:06] >> THERE IS no way that Shaw knows there's
[156:08] a magic track that he can drive this
[156:10] vehicle onto. He either knows this lab's
[156:12] layout by heart or he just got lucky. He
[156:13] didn't even look in that direction the
[156:15] entire time they were getting chased.
[156:16] Good thing this random metal great track
[156:18] was at this exact level of the building
[156:19] where Shaw jumped his jeep through
[156:21] because otherwise this movie will be
[156:22] over quickly. Wait, this could have been
[156:23] over. Metal great tracks.
[156:27] >> Pretty sure this whole sequence is going
[156:28] to be Jumanji times 100. So, let's just
[156:30] go ahead and Jumanji the sins.
[156:33] This ain't going to make it.
[156:35] >> You thinking what I'm thinking?
[156:36] >> You pretty much have to be because you
[156:37] guys have nothing equipped to talk to
[156:39] each other. I guess we just take for
[156:40] granted that you have radios or
[156:42] something, but you don't.
[156:48] >> I know. I got them.
[156:49] >> Unless you both have cybernetic
[156:50] enhancements. Neither one of you hasn't.
[156:52] But by the gods of too old for this Mel
[156:54] Gibson and Danny Glover versus Jetley
[156:56] and Lethal Weapon 4, something tells me
[156:57] you'll beat him regardless.
[156:59] >> I'm tired. Thank
[157:00] >> me too, Hattie. But we've still got 50
[157:01] minutes left somehow. So, let's all down
[157:03] a Red Bull and some who news and get to
[157:05] the finish line. These guys have a
[157:07] little bit more than a day to get the
[157:08] virus out of Hattie. So, they take about
[157:10] a 17- hour flight to goddamn Samoa
[157:12] because that's Hobbs's home where his
[157:13] brother is conveniently a mechanic. But
[157:15] with all the contacts these two have,
[157:16] it's insane they didn't just go back to
[157:18] Shaw's place and get, I don't know,
[157:19] ludicrous to hell.
[157:20] >> From Moscow to Samoa. That is not an
[157:22] easy flight to charter.
[157:23] >> They went to Moscow to get that flight.
[157:25] They were in the Ukraine, which means
[157:26] they had to drive somewhere around 9
[157:27] hours to get there. There's no way this
[157:29] is their best option. Bringing your
[157:31] problems here to this house. These
[157:32] [ __ ] flew from Russia to Samoa and
[157:34] didn't even call Hobbs's brother before
[157:36] they got there. Even if it was to check
[157:37] that he was home.
[157:38] >> They hopped an unregistered cargo plane
[157:39] [music] to where?
[157:40] >> Samoa. Yeah, finding that out must have
[157:43] been super easy. Show your work movie.
[157:45] This is goddamn bull. At
[157:46] >> least one good thing came out of me
[157:48] jamming that thing into my hand.
[157:49] >> Unfortunately, it wasn't this movie. But
[157:51] yeah, I guess Hobbs being reunited with
[157:52] his brother I've never once been told
[157:54] about in previous movies or given two
[157:56] about counts as a good thing.
[157:57] >> All right, we're going to war with the
[157:59] family heirlooms. Man, I can't wait
[158:00] until the Ewoks show up in this movie.
[158:02] >> Wars do
[158:03] >> and the name of a terrible movie you
[158:05] were in. So, there's that. CSI Samoa.
[158:08] What this montage tells me is that they
[158:09] don't have nearly enough time to pull
[158:10] all this off. But montages are good
[158:12] about making it seem like they do.
[158:13] Condensing days or maybe even weeks of
[158:15] work down to mere hours, so nobody asks
[158:17] any questions. How can you question
[158:18] whether they succeed or not? They're
[158:20] working so hard, man.
[158:21] >> I'm in. The only thing is I can only
[158:23] bought the signal repeaters on the
[158:24] satellite for 6 minutes.
[158:26] >> She literally just hacked in. How could
[158:27] she possibly know that? Also, Hadtie was
[158:29] able to hack Eton's entire weapons
[158:31] inventory using just a stolen
[158:32] authenticator glove.
[158:34] >> Wasted
[158:36] so much time.
[158:37] >> Movie accidentally films Vanessa Kirby
[158:39] commenting on this very scene and puts
[158:40] it in the final edit. Had he made it so
[158:42] that these guns wouldn't work for 6
[158:44] minutes, but why can't she do the same
[158:45] thing once the weapons go back online
[158:47] and get another 6 minutes? Granted,
[158:49] Brixton and his guys have no clue that
[158:51] they have to wait 6 minutes for the guns
[158:52] to go back online, but Hob sure as does,
[158:55] so maybe less synchronized chanting and
[158:57] more punching. Remember the whole
[158:58] Brixton doesn't want to kill Hattie
[159:00] because they need the virus thing. That
[159:01] should still be a thing, but the bad
[159:02] guys sure aren't acting like it is.
[159:04] Hattie walks toward the helicopter
[159:05] because I guess the virus is acting up
[159:07] inside of her, even though I thought the
[159:09] virus was in capsules and wouldn't take
[159:10] effect for another 20 minutes or so.
[159:12] Anyway, Hattie is the most important
[159:14] person to keep track of. And for some
[159:15] reason, Hobs and Shaw just let her
[159:16] wander out in the open because movie.
[159:18] Even though this helicopter is ready to
[159:20] go and Brixton is getting Hatty on it
[159:21] immediately, Hobs and Shaw will get in a
[159:23] tow truck and be able to catch up to
[159:24] them in time to do this [ __ ]
[159:26] Because as we all know, tow trucks
[159:27] constantly beat helicopters in races.
[159:29] >> You get us close and I'll get her. I'll
[159:31] keep his snakes down. You win me.
[159:33] >> Once again, I have to ask, how the are
[159:35] they having conversations in moments
[159:36] like this?
[159:39] >> God damn it. Every single action taken
[159:41] in this movie gets accomplished on the
[159:43] first try. Like these dicks are
[159:44] practicing this in their spare time.
[159:46] >> Hit him with the moon side. Now
[159:49] >> I mean Jesus Christ. Feels like this
[159:51] movie has created a new sin in the
[159:52] tradition of this works and they
[159:54] survived this and that is called he
[159:56] heard this. This military grade
[159:57] helicopter keeps missing with its
[159:59] missiles. Why is it so good at missing
[160:00] but not that great at missling?
[160:06] [laughter]
[160:09] >> JAMANJI, YOU DON'T DIE UNTIL YOU DIE. Oh
[160:12] well, makes about as much sense as
[160:13] everything else in this movie. Look, we
[160:14] just saw Hobbs hold the helicopter in
[160:16] place with a chain, so I don't think he
[160:18] should be losing this fight at any
[160:20] moment.
[160:20] >> Work together, we can hurt him. If
[160:22] >> you're right, doesn't work as a team.
[160:24] >> What the do you think you've been doing
[160:26] ever since you got to Samoa?
[160:27] >> Here comes the kryptonite.
[160:30] >> I don't think Hobbs understands what
[160:31] kryptonite is. Or he thinks that Brocks
[160:33] are Brixton's weakness. But considering
[160:35] how much of the Rock's ass he's been
[160:36] kicking in this movie, that's clearly
[160:38] not the case. Braxton never really lived
[160:40] up to our expectations.
[160:42] >> Yeah, you didn't need to say anything.
[160:43] They didn't even know you existed. But
[160:45] good job taking away the element of
[160:47] surprise.
[160:47] >> You don't remember me, do you, Hobs?
[160:50] >> You will.
[160:50] >> It's going to be a hell of a reunion.
[160:52] >> Sequel baiting.
[160:53] >> Hey, Lock. This is Sam.
[160:54] >> Sam,
[160:55] >> you must want to talk to my dad.
[160:56] >> Wow, you sound exactly like your dad.
[161:00] >> First off, this is the first thing she
[161:01] said on the phone call. Second off, she
[161:03] does not. Jesus, this movie has more end
[161:05] credit scenes than Guardians of the
[161:07] Galaxy 2.
[161:14] 45 seconds of logos. Comcast. It took
[161:17] nine movies for us to finally get a
[161:19] flashback to Papa Toretto's racing days.
[161:21] This is some formative [ __ ] This should
[161:22] have opened the second movie. Maybe even
[161:24] the first, but not the ninth. This is
[161:26] the biggest problem with these movies.
[161:27] They just make up new [ __ ] and say,
[161:28] "This new [ __ ] is now super important."
[161:30] Like the sudden Tourettto brother who
[161:32] shows up later in this movie. By fast
[161:33] 10, it'll be revealed that little Dom
[161:35] and little Brian went to preschool
[161:36] together. It used to race big wheels for
[161:37] nickels during recess. And also, they'll
[161:39] be related by blood, which Dom finds out
[161:41] when his long- lost real dad shows up.
[161:42] And also, Dom will have three arms now,
[161:44] but it'll never be explained or
[161:45] acknowledged. And he just uses the third
[161:46] arm to constantly hold a corona.
[161:48] >> Jack, you realize you got this in the
[161:50] bag right?
[161:51] >> When last we saw Rowdy Burns, he had
[161:53] short hair and was clean shaven. But in
[161:54] the next shot, he's got long hair and a
[161:56] beard, and his last name is Hubard. Holy
[161:58] [ __ ] This is a tiny track. I raced my
[161:59] Hot Wheels on longer tracks than this.
[162:01] Is the winner's trophy a thimble?
[162:02] >> He's going to come at you for that. No,
[162:04] you've been talking about this number 23
[162:06] car and what a dick he is for the last 3
[162:08] minutes. What else is he going to do?
[162:09] >> We come in peace.
[162:11] >> Roman knows that Dom would react this
[162:12] way to a strange car driving towards his
[162:14] home, right? Why doesn't this family
[162:15] have a way of communicating with each
[162:17] other if they want to come visit? I
[162:18] mean, at least do the thing in all the
[162:19] President's Men and stick a flag in a
[162:21] flower pot or something. Jesus,
[162:22] >> we would to fuss.
[162:24] >> Except you actually need phones in order
[162:26] to get phone calls. And we wanted to
[162:28] ratchet up the tension for absolutely no
[162:29] reason other than to show that Dom and
[162:31] Letty are serious about protecting their
[162:32] home right down to a Rogue One
[162:33] hidey-hole for their kid.
[162:35] >> Did anybody else get this?
[162:36] >> Sent it only to us.
[162:37] >> How the do you know that? Is there
[162:39] something about the transmission that
[162:40] allows you to know he only sent it to
[162:42] one place?
[162:43] >> Dom, this is Cipher, the woman who
[162:46] killed the mother of your child.
[162:48] >> I'm glad you reminded me, Roman, because
[162:50] I honestly didn't remember. I bet Dom
[162:52] doesn't even remember.
[162:52] >> Brian and Mia got out of the game when
[162:54] they became parents. We're not them.
[162:57] >> But we did get a house out in the middle
[162:58] of nowhere and armed ourselves to the
[163:00] teeth just so we could protect this
[163:01] family. Going on this dangerous mission
[163:03] where I could die totally jives with
[163:05] that. First off, this is the
[163:06] bullshittiest zoom and enhance that is
[163:07] ever [ __ ] Second off, you mean to
[163:09] tell me that the hacker crew, Ted and
[163:10] Ramsay didn't try to do this? Also, what
[163:13] would have happened if they had found
[163:14] the cross? Could we have been spared
[163:15] this [ __ ] that Dom wasn't going to
[163:17] go on this mission?
[163:18] >> I'll take points.
[163:19] >> Careful.
[163:20] >> Careful is when you get hurt.
[163:22] >> Philosophy of half the drivers in
[163:23] Nashville makes it into this moody.
[163:24] Yeah, well, their mistake was trying to
[163:25] cut into it. But just give me a minute.
[163:27] I can get in.
[163:28] >> It kills me that a team that can hijack
[163:29] a plane and break out one of the most
[163:31] dangerous criminals in the world didn't
[163:33] have someone like Ramsay who could crack
[163:34] into this thing. They get shot at and
[163:36] these fools scramble. They've done
[163:37] insane heists and prevented even crazier
[163:39] ones, but they came here with no plan,
[163:41] no exit strategy, no if we're being
[163:42] watched. The aim is so non-existent that
[163:44] I'm actually wondering if this is the
[163:45] worst aim I've ever seen in any movie
[163:47] ever. Like in UHF in the Rambo parody
[163:49] scene when the guy is 6 feet away from
[163:50] Weird Alienovic and can't hit him. Still
[163:52] not as bad as this, right? What? You
[163:55] don't know who I am?
[163:57] >> You think I'm scared?
[163:58] >> Nope. I just think you're trying to earn
[163:59] your paycheck, man. Obi-Wan Kenobi is
[164:01] going to have a [ __ ] [ __ ] fit when he
[164:02] sees Roman kicking all this ass and he
[164:04] doesn't even have the high ground. God
[164:06] damn it. This movie, I'm already done.
[164:08] The military misses every target in this
[164:10] scene with every bullet and later every
[164:12] helicopter rocket. I know these [ __ ]
[164:14] aren't going to die, but the least you
[164:15] could do is give a better reason than
[164:16] nobody can hit ever. We're only 16
[164:18] minutes in and I've already forgotten
[164:20] where we are and why we are even here.
[164:22] LIGRO MEAN US? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
[164:24] >> MOVIE will now force Roman to ask this
[164:25] question three times before anyone
[164:27] answers him. Also, even though Dom and
[164:29] Roman have been talking with radios this
[164:30] whole time, Ramsay and TZ somehow have
[164:32] earpieces to talk to everybody. Why
[164:34] doesn't everyone have an earpiece? But
[164:35] how does her earpiece tap into the
[164:37] radios they're using? These [ __ ] are
[164:38] literally going to navigate a minefield
[164:40] and survive while the people with the
[164:42] best idea of where the mines are located
[164:43] are going to DIE LIKE CHUMPS. MY ASS IS
[164:46] FUEGO. IS HE TRYING TO unearn his
[164:48] paycheck? There's never been a less
[164:50] tense scene than Roman getting out of
[164:51] this vehicle before it falls on a
[164:52] landmine. Actually called my aunt during
[164:54] this moment and honestly talking to my
[164:56] aunt is my least favorite thing next to
[164:57] scratching my balls with a steak knife.
[164:59] >> How in the hell are you not dead?
[165:01] >> I was going to ask the same question and
[165:02] I was about to write a really
[165:03] well-worded sin about it. It was a
[165:05] doozy, but I slow-moed the scene and it
[165:06] appears that Roman was behind the tank
[165:07] when it landed. This might be the first
[165:09] time we've ever given a sin to a movie
[165:10] because they didn't actually do anything
[165:12] wrong and yet the movie thinks it did.
[165:14] This is for self-p policing your own
[165:15] sins, you [ __ ] [ __ ] movie. Now,
[165:17] where the is this thing coming from?
[165:18] Isn't it all jungle to their left? How
[165:20] did this thing gather enough speed to
[165:22] catch up to them on uneven ground
[165:23] through what looks like mostly jungle?
[165:25] This is seriously the speeder bike
[165:26] sequence from Return of the Jedi. Also,
[165:28] why doesn't this vehicle just ram
[165:29] Letty's bike into a tree or something?
[165:31] How did this out of nowhere buggy time
[165:32] the jump to do this when Letty only
[165:34] decided to make this jump a split second
[165:35] ago? Yeah, you're right, dumb. Having
[165:37] Letty land on your car is way better
[165:39] than the ground. Good thinking. She
[165:40] would have died if she hit the ground.
[165:42] Also, this series is notoriously mum
[165:44] when it comes to where everybody is in
[165:46] relation to everybody else. So, I'm
[165:47] having trouble figuring out how Dom is
[165:49] even in the position to catch Letty with
[165:50] the hood of his car. Dom was on Lett's
[165:52] left when she slung that dude into the
[165:54] tree. And then she made this jump
[165:55] complete with the collision immediately
[165:57] after that. But Dom is somehow in the
[165:58] perfect position from below to see all
[166:00] this and make his heroic move in mere
[166:02] seconds from what appears to be Letty's
[166:04] right when all the goes down.
[166:05] >> That was Jacob back there, wasn't it?
[166:07] >> Who? Jacob, my longlost brother that no
[166:09] one has ever heard of except for you.
[166:11] And somehow you've also seen him in
[166:12] person. That Jacob, why would he show up
[166:14] out of the blue after eight movies of
[166:15] doing nothing? That's just absurd.
[166:17] >> Are we supposed TO DRIVE ACROSS THAT?
[166:19] >> I said it looks like a bridge.
[166:20] >> There's pretty much no reason to risk
[166:22] crossing that bridge, right? We don't
[166:23] even know what the stakes are. They
[166:24] don't even know what the stakes are. All
[166:26] we know is that Furiosa killed Groot's
[166:27] baby mama, and that's the only reason
[166:29] they're out here. It's definitely not
[166:30] because they have any allegiance to
[166:31] snake. Ah, you man. Why do you make me
[166:34] do this? Why do you make me say, is this
[166:35] the single biggest you to physics ever
[166:37] put to film? This is not remotely how
[166:39] gravity and friction work, you dicks.
[166:42] Eat my ass to the 10th power. Also, why
[166:46] do people like this?
[166:49] Can't quite explain why Letty's grunt
[166:51] here irks me so much, except for the
[166:53] fact that it's the only consequence of
[166:54] getting hit by a missile. Okay, so I'll
[166:56] drive off the mountain, but that's
[166:57] totally cool because we can send in a
[166:59] jet to catch the car as it's falling
[167:00] down. You'll have to make sure you catch
[167:01] me and miss the mountain on the other
[167:03] side, but don't worry about it. We did
[167:04] this on Microsoft Flight Simulator a
[167:06] 100,000 times. Where's the bridge?
[167:08] >> Dom's about to do something insane, but
[167:09] it's less insane when you think about
[167:11] the alternative. Could have turned
[167:12] around and let the helicopters firing
[167:14] missiles miss him a 100 more times.
[167:21] Hang on here. Just give me a minute.
[167:28] Okay, I think I'm ready to address with
[167:30] just
[167:52] These [ __ ] crash into a mountain and
[167:54] nothing happens. Again, when you ask us
[167:56] why we don't think any of this is
[167:57] exciting, it's because there is
[167:58] literally zero danger in anything they
[168:00] do. Dom contacted the guy from Fast and
[168:01] Furious 6 to help him out, but I just
[168:03] want to know how they got off that
[168:04] mountain they crash landed on.
[168:06] >> Jacob is or was Dom's brother,
[168:12] >> except you. The flashback reveals that
[168:13] Jacob was also at the racetrack when he
[168:15] and Dom's father died. They could have
[168:17] simply introduced a character named
[168:18] Jacob in that opening scene, and they
[168:20] could have still made the surprise
[168:21] reveal that Dom had a brother if it
[168:22] wasn't for the fact that the trailer
[168:23] already spoiled that. Way too many
[168:25] minutes of the TV spin-off. The young
[168:27] Touretttos. This is Young Dom, despite
[168:29] the fact that when we meet him in the
[168:30] original film, he is not much older than
[168:31] this. But he looks nothing like this.
[168:33] And this is one of those moments where
[168:34] I'm like, why didn't you write Young Dom
[168:36] to be younger, Yo, or at least cast a
[168:38] better lookalike or just grandoff taring
[168:40] his ass like Rogue One? Do
[168:41] >> you know who I am?
[168:42] >> I know who you are. Do you? [sighs]
[168:45] >> Tell me,
[168:47] do you hate him enough that it keeps you
[168:49] up at night?
[168:50] >> Look, I love Charlie Stan. You love
[168:52] Charlie Stan, but this Hannif Lectar bit
[168:54] is unconvincing and boring. Mainly, it's
[168:56] the dialogue which sounds like it came
[168:57] from a 1990s Skinnamax movie called Head
[168:59] Games of Desire or Psychological
[169:01] Temptation, starring Shannon Worry.
[169:03] >> I should have just hired you instead of
[169:05] coercing your brother a couple of years
[169:06] back.
[169:07] >> We forgive you, Cipher. Nobody knew his
[169:09] character existed back then.
[169:10] >> The rest of the hardware is a bit dated
[169:12] pre- internet to make sure you don't go
[169:13] hacking into anything we don't want you
[169:14] to.
[169:15] >> So, she can hack into a government
[169:17] agency with this old technology, but not
[169:19] anything else because
[169:21] >> say you get what you're after,
[169:24] a weapon. so dangerous it shouldn't
[169:26] exist for another half century.
[169:28] >> She's in a glass case of exposition.
[169:30] >> Kha'Zar Khan, Genghaskhan's little
[169:32] brother. Nobody's heard of him either.
[169:33] >> What is this stupid insult supposed to
[169:35] accomplish? She's already talked a bunch
[169:36] of [ __ ] about how Jacob's not dumb and
[169:38] doesn't compare to him in any way. So,
[169:39] how would Genghask Khan's not famous
[169:41] little brother move the needle? This
[169:42] reminds me of that moment in
[169:43] Transformers and the Holy Grail where
[169:44] Mark recited that famous line about any
[169:46] sufficiently advanced technology is
[169:48] indistinguishable from magic and
[169:49] expected a BJ for knowing it.
[169:50] >> Ninja Turtle pop out, homie. Tell you
[169:53] right now, I'm out. Let's break down
[169:55] this oneliner for a second. This is the
[169:56] equivalent of saying we are in an
[169:57] underground space. The Ninja Turtles
[169:58] live in an underground space. Ninja
[170:00] Turtles reference. Press enter.
[170:01] >> Y'all ever thought about how many wild
[170:03] missions we've been on and we somehow
[170:06] always survive.
[170:07] >> Roman sin script for this franchise ends
[170:09] with Ludicrous saying,
[170:10] >> "Or maybe
[170:12] you're just a dumbass."
[170:14] >> Oh, that hurts. Fast and Furious
[170:16] franchise. To quote the great Brian
[170:17] Adams, cuts like a knife. Calgadote's
[170:19] character Jazelle says, "Hi, by the way.
[170:21] This is the movie's method of saying
[170:23] it's just a movie without breaking the
[170:24] fourth wall.
[170:24] >> Pretty impressive driving out there.
[170:27] >> What? This is Lety, your gal, your
[170:29] soulmate. You have seen her drive for
[170:31] years. She's good at it. And that is not
[170:32] news to you, you dick.
[170:34] >> You should have told me. She deserved to
[170:36] know. Jacob's my brother, TOO.
[170:39] [laughter]
[170:44] >> [laughter]
[170:47] >> My kids and yours are in the safest
[170:50] hands possible with Brian.
[170:52] >> Um, Tom would know that, right? Since he
[170:54] was going to stay behind with little
[170:55] Brian until he saw Jacob's necklace in
[170:57] the SOS transmission, he would have
[170:58] dropped the kid off on his way to the
[170:59] plane. Anyway, this awkward Brian
[171:00] reference is awkward in so many ways and
[171:02] would take longer than we have to
[171:03] discuss them.
[171:04] >> That's what we got from Mr. Nobody's
[171:05] plane.
[171:06] >> If I had a nickel for every time they
[171:07] said Mr. Nobody in this movie, I'd have
[171:08] at least four or five nickels. But the
[171:10] amount of nickels isn't as important as
[171:11] the amount of times they've said Mr.
[171:13] Nobody, which is a lot, way more than 20
[171:15] or 25 cents worth.
[171:16] >> You take Aries and upload it to a
[171:18] satellite, it will spread like a virus.
[171:20] Then it'll be a matter of time before
[171:21] someone can control any weapon system.
[171:24] Traditional nuclear stuff we haven't
[171:26] even seen yet.
[171:27] >> That sounds literally impossible.
[171:28] >> Aries is the god of war, right?
[171:30] >> Yes, he is. I remember Jazelle fighting
[171:32] him during that airplane sequence at the
[171:34] end of Furious 7. Because of how
[171:36] dangerous it was, the Aries prototype
[171:37] was recovered and split into two halves
[171:39] by Mr. Nobody.
[171:40] >> Why he didn't just blow it up or bury it
[171:42] next to Parallax is anyone's guess.
[171:43] >> Mr. Nobody's transmission had one name
[171:46] connected to the key.
[171:47] >> This is huge news about Han, our friend
[171:49] you thought was dead, but we decided not
[171:51] to reveal this information until later.
[171:52] We felt like everyone needed more drama
[171:54] in their lives.
[171:55] >> I got this the day Han died.
[171:57] >> On an absolute whim, I grabbed this
[171:59] before I left our house, and it turns
[172:00] out it was super appreciate now that Han
[172:02] is alive. What are you going to do about
[172:04] Jacob?
[172:05] >> I'm going to find him.
[172:06] >> Dialogue. How?
[172:08] >> An old friend.
[172:09] >> God damn, this movie's exasperating.
[172:14] >> Thank god Dom went to prison and while
[172:15] there got to work on cars and while
[172:17] working on one, another prisoner was
[172:18] able to identify a flaw on Dom's car
[172:20] that had the exact issue his dad's car
[172:22] had when he died.
[172:23] >> You win
[172:25] and come back on,
[172:27] you lose.
[172:29] You keep driving. Winning equals
[172:31] forgiveness for murdering our dad.
[172:33] >> Tell me why you killed dad's race.
[172:37] >> Or I don't really need an answer at all.
[172:39] We should just race the pain away. Also,
[172:41] tell me why it's so quiet right now.
[172:42] There are hundreds of people around here
[172:44] unreving cars and boom boxes and
[172:46] >> arms robbery in Echo Park. Forest Street
[172:48] Bridge is open.
[172:48] >> How does an armed robbery make a bridge
[172:50] open?
[172:51] >> The worst thing you can do to a to
[172:54] take away their family. That's what you
[172:56] did to Jacob.
[172:57] >> Sounds like Jacob did a lot of that on
[172:58] his own, right? And can we stop with
[173:00] this Toretto family [ __ ] For most
[173:01] people, taking away their family would
[173:03] be the worst thing. This isn't a Toto
[173:04] exclusive. Corona, my favorite. You
[173:07] remembered.
[173:08] >> How about you?
[173:10] How are you doing?
[173:10] >> I realize people have to eat, but this
[173:12] is not a vacation, ladies. Time is of
[173:14] the essence. The Aries weapon is a real
[173:16] threat. The mystic portal awaits. This
[173:17] is so casual it's infuriating.
[173:19] >> Cowboys would make a run for the border
[173:20] to get away from the law. How Tokyo was
[173:23] his Mexico. I don't even know if they
[173:26] were searching this particular area of
[173:27] Tokyo because it meant something to Han,
[173:29] but what are the [ __ ] odds they'd see
[173:30] this flag? Also, Han sent a postcard
[173:32] with a picture of Mexico and a Tokyo
[173:34] postmark and expected these [ __ ] to
[173:35] know what the it meant. What's worse, he
[173:37] sent the postcard on the very day he
[173:38] died, which means it's been years since
[173:40] he sent it. So, why did Dom even think
[173:42] about this postcard when he saw Jacob's
[173:43] necklace in the Mr. Nobody transmission?
[173:45] If you're telling me the necklace
[173:46] reminded him of the postcard because
[173:47] there's a church on it, then you are the
[173:49] screenwriter of this film.
[173:50] >> Dominic Tretto sent us.
[173:51] >> Who's Dominic Toretto? I can see why
[173:53] this guy doesn't know who Dominic Tretto
[173:55] is, but why is Shawn confused? They
[173:56] raced each other at the end of Tokyo
[173:58] Drift. And then we saw them talking
[173:59] about Han and Furious 7. Even if Shawn
[174:01] isn't confused, takes the sting out of
[174:03] that joke completely.
[174:04] >> Nice necklace, Queenie.
[174:05] >> How the did Dom know Queenie would be
[174:07] here. Thus, she steal from this place so
[174:09] often that it's a known haunt. This is
[174:10] the dumbest car chase ever. Here's a
[174:12] seasoned driver in a [ __ ] Noble M600
[174:14] supercar. This thing costs hundreds of
[174:16] thousands of dollars and goes 0 to 60 in
[174:18] three [ __ ] seconds. The Batmobile is
[174:21] jealous of this car. This car chase
[174:22] shouldn't last more than 10 seconds.
[174:24] >> Oh, yeah. Yeah. Word did go around on a
[174:26] crew that just turned up led by an
[174:27] American.
[174:28] >> Isn't it great that Dom knows so many
[174:29] people around the world who know
[174:30] everything about every single crime
[174:32] that's going down and just happen to be
[174:33] characters from prior movies? Like this
[174:35] went down in France. Who does he talk
[174:36] to? So, let me get this straight. This
[174:37] is a white party for supercar owners and
[174:40] hot people being held in a three-story
[174:41] Wayne man or duplicate where most of the
[174:43] beautiful people wearing white are
[174:44] standing out in a rocky dusty parking
[174:46] lot. Since my dad is head of state,
[174:50] >> it makes me a foreign dignitary and this
[174:52] place an embassy, which means you just
[174:55] trespassed into my country and attempted
[174:57] murder.
[174:58] >> I don't know if this is [ __ ] or not,
[174:59] but this long-winded explanation got
[175:01] tiresome as soon as he said since.
[175:02] Regardless of embassy rules, I feel like
[175:04] this scene plays the exact same way.
[175:06] >> What's up?
[175:07] >> These movies really have become the
[175:08] Oceans franchise. A powerful son of a
[175:10] head of state calls Interpol to arrest
[175:12] Dom, and somehow it turns into Dom
[175:14] getting arrested by Cardi B and a bunch
[175:15] of supermodel. They reference Queenie is
[175:17] the reason behind it and that's all you
[175:18] need to know because that's how works.
[175:20] >> Your boy Jacob biometrics are incored to
[175:22] this gun. You have no trouble tracking
[175:25] him now.
[175:26] >> Biometrics rear their ugly head again.
[175:27] Was there a huge problem in the criminal
[175:29] underworld where people kept getting
[175:30] shot with their own guns? So they
[175:31] started adding biometrics to them to
[175:32] stop the trend. All biometrics ever do
[175:34] is make it easier for the good guys when
[175:35] the biometrics fail or in this case
[175:37] allow others to track you.
[175:39] >> Han never mentioned a girl. Not ever.
[175:41] >> Oh my god, that's so suspicious. Here's
[175:43] the big reveal that Han is officially
[175:45] back. And thank God he was able to shoot
[175:47] all the bad guys in this alley. Phew.
[175:48] But I got one question. How did he know
[175:50] that he would be needed outside of the
[175:52] apartment that Letty, Mia, and Ellen
[175:54] were fighting in? How did he know to set
[175:55] up a sniper nest out here when all the
[175:57] action was inside? Also, Han, the guy
[175:59] you thought was dead, but also the guy
[176:01] you totally remember is a master sniper.
[176:03] Right. He was a master sniper before,
[176:05] right? Right.
[176:06] >> I pulled Jacob's biometric signature off
[176:08] the gun. And the algorithm I've run says
[176:09] Jacob's team is right on top of us.
[176:11] >> Wait, you're getting all that from what
[176:13] amounts to fingerprints? Does the gun
[176:14] have facial recognition software, too?
[176:16] We throw around terms like biometrics
[176:17] and algorithm and expect that to be
[176:19] enough of an explanation, but you got to
[176:21] have more than that to find someone like
[176:22] this.
[176:23] >> But tracking chips follow the chip.
[176:24] Before we know it, we'd be chasing some
[176:26] expensive yet tacky jacket to the dry
[176:28] cleaners.
[176:29] >> Sure. Sure, but stick with me now. What
[176:31] if you had biometrics and a tracking
[176:32] chip and the chip stayed on the person
[176:34] you were tracking? That would be better.
[176:35] Correct.
[176:36] >> What the hell, Jimmy?
[176:37] >> Flaming Jimmy.
[176:38] >> Say we had a big electromagnet turned up
[176:40] right around here. Wouldn't that disrupt
[176:43] all electronic signals,
[176:44] >> including security systems? That's it.
[176:47] >> But it doesn't disrupt your discussion
[176:48] over these radios for some reason.
[176:49] That's cool. These dudes must have been
[176:51] oblivious to the fighting outside a
[176:53] minute ago, including all this slamming
[176:54] into the side of this truck.
[176:55] >> I got eyes on Jacob.
[176:56] >> He then says nothing else and gets in
[176:58] his car to chase a ziplining Jacob
[177:00] himself.
[177:03] I was going to point out how convenient
[177:04] it is that it runs parallel to the roads
[177:06] Dom can take to keep an eye on it. But
[177:08] in a moment, we see that Jacob has some
[177:09] kind of absurd zipline gun and he keeps
[177:11] shooting new zip lines. So then why does
[177:13] he keep shooting in one direction?
[177:15] Surely he knows someone is going to
[177:16] chase him, right? Why not turn or set it
[177:18] up for turning during the planning
[177:19] stage? This is like the Prometheus
[177:21] school of zipline guning away from
[177:22] things. Also, this is yet another plan
[177:24] from Jacob that I don't understand.
[177:25] After stealing the Aries, his escape
[177:27] route is multiple zip lines across
[177:29] rooftops. Like, I understand getting out
[177:30] of the immediate area. But why isn't he
[177:32] in a car or a car that can get caught by
[177:34] a jet by now? It's not that this
[177:36] sequence of Game of Thrones here not
[177:37] knowing how to drive a car is bad. It's
[177:39] great. It's just that it owes so much to
[177:40] sneakers it feels derivative.
[177:44] I'd like to know how Dom caught up to
[177:45] Jacob since Jacob ziplining and Dom is
[177:47] on foot. Sure, Jacob had to stop to get
[177:49] another zipline gone, but that's just
[177:50] not enough time for someone to close the
[177:52] gap on a zipliner. Then you have to time
[177:53] it so that you make this crazying jump
[177:55] off a rooftop. I would have removed all
[177:57] the sins if Dom missed Jacob and fell to
[177:59] his death here.
[178:01] [groaning]
[178:02] Man, this building has some shoddy
[178:04] drywall work. Yo, wait a minute. That
[178:07] sounds like a tour bus coming to a stop
[178:08] right outside this window. Shrug, I will
[178:11] jump out and expect it to be there. No
[178:12] whmies. No whmies. Stop. Dom sees the
[178:14] yellow truck and is able to calculate
[178:15] the speed and the distance it will
[178:17] travel in the time it takes him to jump
[178:18] onto a van going the other way. Catch up
[178:20] with Jacob and tackle him to the roof of
[178:22] the truck as it drives under this
[178:23] bridge. Bad guy takes off in a sports
[178:25] sedan. Good guys are in a huge delivery
[178:27] van. Let's see how long this chase
[178:29] lasts, shall we? Okay, the fact that
[178:30] this vehicle has a massive magnet wall
[178:32] is stupid, and I can't argue with that.
[178:34] But this moment here where she uses that
[178:35] to her advantage and literally pulls the
[178:37] bad guy car to her vehicle with magnets
[178:40] through a building is awesome. In this
[178:42] rare case, the awesome beats the stupid.
[178:44] But also, Ramsay potentially kills
[178:46] several shoppers and store owners so
[178:47] that she can electromagnet this car to
[178:49] the side of the truck.
[178:50] >> Okay, listen up. I want 50 of the best
[178:52] men.
[178:52] >> Why 50? Why not everyone?
[178:57] >> Did they forget to put the extra
[178:58] security around Cipher? Earlier, you had
[178:59] to turn off a laser grid to walk to her
[179:01] cell, but I guess she played some head
[179:03] games with Otto's weaker personnel and
[179:04] got them to lift the laser field.
[179:06] Probably called them fat or something.
[179:08] >> Me? I'm Luke freaking Skywalker.
[179:10] >> Are you sure about that?
[179:11] >> Cipher plays head games with Otto about
[179:13] what Star Wars character is. It's as
[179:15] exciting as it is. [snorts]
[179:18] Apparently, Dom and the crew drove that
[179:19] yellow truck with a car-shaped hole on
[179:21] the left side of it all the way to this
[179:23] facility, and not a single cop pulled
[179:24] him over on the way. If you have time to
[179:26] lean, you have time to clean. And yeah,
[179:28] that doesn't apply directly here, but my
[179:30] point is these three are goofing off
[179:31] like there's no mission.
[179:32] >> But can you get to the part where the
[179:35] car exploded and you're still alive?
[179:37] >> Roman is correct. And yet, the movie
[179:39] will allow Han to go through an entire
[179:41] movie's worth of backstory just to get
[179:42] to the part where he's somehow still
[179:43] alive. The bloat on this movie is
[179:45] strong. In fact, he left out the most
[179:47] important part.
[179:48] >> I was 11.
[179:49] >> Holy [laughter]
[179:51] [ __ ]
[179:55] This is a prayer meeting without the
[179:56] religion. Holy [ __ ]
[179:58] >> At first, I didn't see it.
[179:59] >> And by at first I didn't see it. I mean,
[180:01] I saw it immediately.
[180:02] >> Turns out I wasn't the only one looking
[180:04] for this thing.
[180:05] >> But on the same night though,
[180:06] >> he taught me how to survive.
[180:07] >> Life or death survive or like disco
[180:09] survive?
[180:10] >> We became a family. Oh, you and your
[180:12] family and all these movies family
[180:14] [ __ ] that they hide behind for lazy
[180:15] exposition and lazy emotional moments.
[180:18] >> My parents didn't want Project Aries to
[180:19] fall into the wrong hands. So, they
[180:21] locked it with their own DNA. Something
[180:23] we share.
[180:24] >> Please tell me how something like
[180:25] Project Aries can be used for good. This
[180:27] movie is essentially sneakers, but with
[180:28] measurably more rat seammen. This object
[180:30] can hack into anything it wants. Unless
[180:32] you're planning on stealing from corrupt
[180:33] politicians to donate to Anasty
[180:35] International, Greenpeace, and the
[180:36] United Fund. What's this orb's purpose
[180:38] other than bad? So when Decor Cha came
[180:40] calling,
[180:42] we used it as cover.
[180:43] >> This is some extraordinary [ __ ] The
[180:45] movie pretty much figures that you don't
[180:46] remember Tokyo Drift. And they're
[180:48] probably right. But still, in Tokyo
[180:49] Drift, Han was being chased by a guy
[180:51] named DK because Han was stealing from
[180:53] him and his father. There's no way to
[180:54] coordinate DK finding out about that,
[180:56] confronting Han, initiating a car chase,
[180:58] and Han driving through Tokyo to fake
[180:59] his death. None. Also, this is being
[181:01] told as some great love story. How
[181:03] Jazelle talked Han into living with her
[181:05] in Tokyo, and when she died, he was
[181:06] super broken up about it, I'm sure. But
[181:08] in Tokyo Drift, seems like he got over
[181:10] her death pretty quickly.
[181:11] >> My death
[181:12] >> became the best way to stay alive.
[181:13] >> So why did you pick some busy ass place
[181:15] in Tokyo to hide out? Why not go into
[181:17] the country? Is it because you already
[181:19] sent the postcard with the Tokyo
[181:20] postmark and the Mexico clue that Dom
[181:22] didn't even bother to think about until
[181:23] a later movie told him to do it? Man,
[181:25] did they choose a super obvious hideout?
[181:27] Or did Batista just get lucky?
[181:28] >> You know, the only good thing to come
[181:30] from dad dying, if he hadn't, I'd have
[181:31] spent my entire life in your shadow.
[181:33] This movie has done nothing to build up
[181:35] that tension about Jacob living in Dom
[181:36] shadow other than people mentioning it.
[181:38] >> Dad died because he was trying to throw
[181:40] that Rex.
[181:42] We were in deep debt.
[181:43] >> So, at the beginning of the movie,
[181:44] Michael Rooker said,
[181:45] >> "You realize you got this in the bag,
[181:47] right? Season's wrapped up, man. Doesn't
[181:49] matter who you play."
[181:50] >> Implying that Jack Tretto was kicking
[181:52] all sorts of ass in whatever racing
[181:53] series this is. So, how are they in
[181:55] debt? Gambling. Furthermore, Jack didn't
[181:56] do a very good job of throwing this race
[181:58] if he already had it in the bag and was
[181:59] asking Dom for advice about any
[182:01] obstacles he could see on the track.
[182:02] It's almost like they're already
[182:03] retconing what happened in that race in
[182:05] this very movie.
[182:06] >> Do all of it. I kept that promise.
[182:09] >> John Cena is pretty good at comedy.
[182:15] TZ has been standing next to this
[182:16] electromagnet the whole time. Could have
[182:18] turned this on while Jacob gave all that
[182:20] backstory and they could have taken all
[182:21] these people out. But no, they wait
[182:22] until now. After Jacob's taken Aries and
[182:24] the DNA girl, Dom sacrifices himself
[182:26] here when there appears to be plenty of
[182:28] time for him to go through and close the
[182:29] door from the other side. This is an
[182:31] unnecessary sacrifice. Character gets so
[182:33] overwhelmed by baddies that there's no
[182:34] way they can come back and they will
[182:36] definitely come back from this. Okay, so
[182:37] I know Dom punched a couple guys, but
[182:39] where are the other 500 people who can
[182:41] stop him from grabbing these chains
[182:42] right now? They just let him do this for
[182:43] no reason.
[182:47] This is possible. Incredible. But I
[182:49] think Dom is still dreaming and he's
[182:50] been using Mal's totem this whole time.
[182:52] So he'll never be able to figure out if
[182:53] he's in someone else's dream. So this is
[182:55] a happy ending, but only in the sense
[182:56] that Dom doesn't know what's real
[182:58] anymore. And this is the best he can
[182:59] get. Just want to remind everyone that
[183:01] Dom is figuring all this stuff out while
[183:02] he's drowning. Given that we've already
[183:04] been over the death of Papa Torto a few
[183:06] times, both in dreams and flashbacks.
[183:07] It's kind of pushing it to have this
[183:08] entire scene here that merely visually
[183:10] confirms the thing we've heard several
[183:11] times. Fantastic. Ly's coming to save
[183:14] Dom. But how does she drag him out to
[183:15] safety? He fell down a deep shaft. Even
[183:17] if there are ladders, how does she climb
[183:19] back up with him? Does she tie him to
[183:20] her waist?
[183:21] >> Is this who we are?
[183:22] >> Given it's been nine movies. Yeah, this
[183:24] is who you are, you stupid idiot. Why
[183:26] does L's DNA jump start Aries but
[183:29] doesn't power down when someone else
[183:30] touches it?
[183:31] >> 4 minutes to launch. You fellas good to
[183:33] go.
[183:33] >> So Lucas Black is now flying this plane
[183:35] and that's acceptable to everyone
[183:37] because why? It's hilarious to me that
[183:39] TZ and Roman came to visit these fools
[183:41] nearly an hour ago in movie time, told
[183:42] them that Dom needed their help and then
[183:44] vanished until the movie manufactured a
[183:46] reason for them to need a rocket. Also,
[183:47] they didn't get permission to fly this
[183:48] jet over Georgian airspace. Right. How
[183:50] does this jet not get shot down?
[183:57] This worked. Car in space. We have a car
[183:59] in space. Dom assumes that he won't kill
[184:01] innocent bystanders with this move. This
[184:03] is fun. But releasing the magnetic pulse
[184:05] would not shoot the trucks away from the
[184:06] hero's vehicle. It would just release
[184:08] them. There's no force on the other side
[184:10] of them pulling against them. This scene
[184:11] watched the barn fight scenes and
[184:13] declared, "We shall make it even
[184:14] shakier." Taking a break from this
[184:16] action to say that the cops around this
[184:18] place don't seem to give a [ __ ] about
[184:19] all this destruction and reckless
[184:20] driving going on in the streets.
[184:23] [ __ ]
[184:24] >> not all of us.
[184:25] >> Han wastes time saying this line instead
[184:27] of opening the back hatch immediately. I
[184:29] mean, taking this car into space and
[184:30] surviving is crazy enough, but I just
[184:32] keep thinking Shawn and his crew
[184:33] modified this car to go into space in
[184:34] mere hours. I feel like this scene
[184:36] deserves over a trillion sins for being
[184:38] so dumb that I almost respect it.
[184:39] >> I have a new business partner. Maybe you
[184:41] know her.
[184:42] >> Surely Otto could have double crossed
[184:43] Jacob well before this moment instead of
[184:45] relying on one of his muscle guys to
[184:46] beat him up on top of the beast while
[184:48] the operation was going on. What did he
[184:49] need Jacob for once he partnered with
[184:51] Cipher? He could have left his ass back
[184:52] in the prison. and he sprung him from
[184:55] billboard
[184:59] movie perpetuates the myth that cars are
[185:01] mattresses. Dom bumps the wrecked car to
[185:03] save Jacob and then Mia climbs out to
[185:04] grab Jacob, further saving his life. And
[185:06] I know he's your brother and I know
[185:08] someone on his team has usurped him and
[185:10] taken over the evil mission. But that
[185:11] does not make Jacob a good guy now. Let
[185:14] his ass bounce and flesh scrape off as
[185:16] he hits the pavement who's trying to
[185:17] take over the world. God damn. It's
[185:19] amazing how these people use technology
[185:21] for the first time and everything works
[185:22] perfectly on the first try every time.
[185:24] So many unseen innocent people have died
[185:25] in this movie that they're making
[185:26] another Batman v Superman to apologize
[185:28] for it. Awesome guys. He showed up right
[185:30] on time.
[185:31] >> The download's [music] almost done.
[185:32] >> I totally forgot there was a
[185:33] time-sensitive download happening. Is it
[185:35] HD porn? I sure hope it's not a car. You
[185:37] wouldn't download a car, would you? What
[185:39] the hell is that guy looking at?
[185:41] >> Dom, I can't get to you.
[185:43] >> But I can.
[185:44] >> The dude wanted the end of the world 3
[185:46] minutes ago. Then his underling kicked
[185:48] him out of the evil club and now he's a
[185:49] good guy. This is like Kim Jong-un's
[185:51] sister overthrowing him and then him
[185:52] deciding, well, I guess I love democracy
[185:54] now. America, here I come. Also, John
[185:56] Cena, despite being pure evil this
[185:58] movie, is going to be one of the good
[185:59] guys next movie, but this is par for the
[186:01] Fast and Furious course. The Rock was an
[186:03] antagonist before he was a protagonist.
[186:04] Jason Staithm, even Dom was the
[186:06] antagonist in the first movie and then
[186:08] became the leader. That's what this
[186:09] series does. Repeat. Rinse. Repeat.
[186:11] Rinse. Repeat. Rinse. Repeat. Rinse.
[186:13] Repeat. Rinse. Repeat. Rinse. Repeat.
[186:15] Rinse. Repeat. Rinse. Repeat. Rinse.
[186:26] first three Rocky movies during the
[186:28] driving sequence.
[186:29] >> Guys, what's happening up there?
[186:31] >> Do they really have radios that have
[186:32] this kind of range? Oh man, there goes
[186:34] HBO. Dom throws an explosive, gets down
[186:36] into the beast. The explosive somehow
[186:38] flips the thing over. And why didn't he
[186:40] just jump off? Does he need this vehicle
[186:42] anymore? They blew up the satellite and
[186:43] they have the Aries. What is this stunt
[186:45] even for? Meanwhile, Dom's in a vehicle
[186:46] that is flipping over and over rapidly,
[186:48] but he can maintain his balance as he
[186:50] runs to the driver's seat.
[186:54] >> Yes. Why don't you just have them fight
[186:56] a predator in a car with lightsaber
[186:58] headlights and be done with it?
[187:03] What the [ __ ] is Dom even steering? The
[187:05] [ __ ] front of this vehicle is on its
[187:06] side. You're an [ __ ] for even
[187:08] suggesting Dom can control this anymore.
[187:14] >> I'm sorry, Dave. I can't do this
[187:16] anymore.
[187:17] >> Okay, I think the sin counter just went
[187:19] full self-destruct and the timer is
[187:21] borked. I think we still have to rattle
[187:22] off a few more sins, though.
[187:25] I haven't been this disappointed in a
[187:27] movie starring Vin Diesel that featured
[187:28] failed remote drone warfare since
[187:30] Guardians of the Galaxy 2.
[187:34] It was a simulator and she wasn't in the
[187:36] plane.
[187:38] But this is an open ass [ __ ] hanger.
[187:40] This is the least secure place an
[187:41] escaped criminal could have done this
[187:42] [ __ ] from. This is the hanger from Paris
[187:43] Hilton's infamous Hardies commercial.
[187:45] >> Lost you once.
[187:48] Don't let that happen again. Okay.
[187:50] >> And these guys really do value family
[187:51] above all else. This guy literally set
[187:53] the entire movie in motion by trying to
[187:55] end the goddamn world. Then a biscuit
[187:58] later, hugs and here's the keys to my
[188:00] car and I love you, bro. This movie this
[188:02] movie
[188:06] Comcast doubles down on their awfulness
[188:08] by mentioning minions in a Fast and
[188:10] Furious movie. What's next? A barbwire
[188:12] reference. This is where my daddy died
[188:13] in a horrifying wreck. I wanted to share
[188:16] that with you, little Gupper. Now, let's
[188:17] go get an ice cream. Everything I needed
[188:20] to know about life I learned on this
[188:21] track.
[188:22] >> You did?
[188:23] >> I did.
[188:24] >> He did. Oh, Christ. We're doing another
[188:26] flashback.
[188:27] >> I couldn't believe it when I heard you
[188:28] were alive. It's a long story.
[188:30] >> When I tell it to you, you'll be in a
[188:31] unique position to point out all the
[188:32] plot holes.
[188:33] >> It's still an empty chair.
[188:35] >> This Brian so late for his wife is here.
[188:37] Was she like, I'll take a separate car
[188:39] to the barbecue while you dick around at
[188:40] home and wait to make a dramatic
[188:42] entrance. 12 and 1/2 minutes of credits.
[188:49] Holy [ __ ] Han's alive.
[188:59] You guys have made 10 of these things.
[189:01] 10. You made 10 of these films. Goddamn
[189:04] 10. 10. ROMAN NUMERAL X. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
[189:08] 9 10. 10. NOT FIVE, WHICH WOULD BE
[189:10] EXCESSIVE, BUT 10. 10. HOLY [ __ ]
[189:13] BASTARDIZ BITTING. DAMNING [ __ ] 10.
[189:15] NOT ONE. Not two, NOT THREE, [ __ ] 10.
[189:18] I'M SO UPSET about it that I'm going to
[189:19] replace the sin counter ding noise on
[189:21] this video with a sped up version of ME
[189:23] SCREAMING 10 OF THESE THINGS AND WE WILL
[189:24] ALL probably regret it. 10 of these
[189:26] things. Comcast. 10 of these things.
[189:28] Maybe originality ain't worth what it
[189:30] used to be. 10 of these things. 45
[189:32] seconds of logos. 10 of these things.
[189:34] Movie cares about time but has no regard
[189:36] for the other three dimensions. 10 of
[189:38] these things.
[189:38] >> There is nothing your father wouldn't do
[189:40] for his son.
[189:41] >> Nothing.
[189:43] Hey, Dad. I really, really, really want
[189:46] you to eat a whole ghost pepper. 10 of
[189:48] these things. I have a lot of questions
[189:49] about the money in this vault. Why are
[189:51] some stacks up to the ceiling and out of
[189:52] frame, but others waste height? Why do
[189:54] almost all the stacks of neat, tight
[189:56] bills have random, carelessly tossed
[189:57] individual bandit bills tossed on like
[189:59] an afterthought? Why are some of these
[190:01] bills green while others are blue?
[190:02] >> 10 of these things.
[190:06] >> Oh, Jesus Christ. 10 of these things.
[190:08] >> Forgetting to put rebar in these
[190:10] concrete ballards.
[190:11] >> 10 of these things. Well, it's a good
[190:12] thing that all of these police officers
[190:14] are bad guys and none of them are
[190:15] actually just innocent men protecting
[190:17] the police station because this might
[190:18] seem rash.
[190:19] >> 10 of these things. Also making me
[190:21] repeat sins already addressed in
[190:23] everything wrong with fast five.
[190:24] >> 10 10 of these things.
[190:26] >> Aquaman origins.
[190:28] >> 10 of these things.
[190:28] >> If you want to do donuts in the Dodger
[190:30] Stadium parking lot, go for it. No
[190:32] security whatsoever, apparently.
[190:33] >> 10 of these things.
[190:34] >> Car becomes suddenly airborne without
[190:36] reason. Huh. That would have been a
[190:37] pretty good name for this franchise. The
[190:39] CBS WRU. 10 of these things.
[190:41] >> You're not afraid of anything.
[190:43] >> Because he is obviously a Highlander and
[190:45] these movies won't just come out and say
[190:46] it.
[190:46] >> 10 of these things.
[190:47] >> Imagine paying however many millions to
[190:49] have your foldable phone show up in a
[190:51] movie and prominently feature its
[190:52] obvious crease.
[190:53] >> 10 of these things.
[190:54] >> Ah, sudden Rita Mareno. Grandma is
[190:56] sudden. I checked so you don't have to.
[190:58] This is her first appearance in a Fast
[190:59] and Furious movie. But she's grandma, so
[191:01] she's super important. And this is kind
[191:03] of maybe 20% of why I hate these [ __ ]
[191:05] movies. They just make up whatever the
[191:06] they want and act like the previous
[191:07] movies don't exist. Even though this
[191:09] movie opened with a sequence from a
[191:11] previous movie.
[191:11] >> 10 of these things.
[191:12] >> Ted's very funny seat change is undone
[191:14] by the very next shot.
[191:15] >> 10 of these things.
[191:16] >> Look at all those Corona butt family.
[191:18] >> 10 of these things.
[191:19] >> Also, why doesn't this family ever eat
[191:21] indoors? Do they like ants?
[191:22] >> 10 of these things.
[191:23] >> Making your kid drink orange juice with
[191:25] his backyard cookout food.
[191:26] >> 10 of these things.
[191:27] >> The agency put you in charge and you
[191:29] said I get to drive.
[191:30] >> The agency put Roman in charge.
[191:32] >> 10 of these things.
[191:33] >> Tomorrow, a nextg quantum computer chip
[191:35] will be transported through the streets
[191:36] of Rome. And these [ __ ] are in LA
[191:38] today, so they can all be jetlagged
[191:40] during the mission.
[191:41] >> 10 of these things.
[191:42] >> I checked Roman's intel. It's legit.
[191:44] >> Well, if you checked it.
[191:45] >> 10 of these things.
[191:46] >> Only thing you know about Roman is Roman
[191:48] noodles.
[191:49] >> This movie is over 2 hours.
[191:50] >> 10 of these things.
[191:51] >> Well, you better watch out. Little man's
[191:53] going to be a better wrench than any of
[191:54] us by the time he's 12.
[191:56] >> I mean, that's the whole point, isn't
[191:57] it?
[191:58] >> The point of doing the car drills or the
[191:59] point of having a kid?
[192:00] >> 10 of these things.
[192:01] >> Roman asked if he could lead this
[192:03] mission. How could I tell him no?
[192:05] >> By telling him no. 10 of these things.
[192:08] >> Just what the [ __ ] is going on here?
[192:10] This grandma character has emerged from
[192:11] the goddamn ether and she's suddenly
[192:13] Dominic's rock of Jialter and it's
[192:15] fishy.
[192:15] >> 10 of these things.
[192:16] >> Holy [ __ ] That neighbor's fence is
[192:18] either protecting the torettos or
[192:19] protecting the neighbor from the
[192:20] torettos. And honestly, either is
[192:22] believable. The sin is for that fence
[192:23] being so [ __ ] high. Honey, I'm going
[192:25] out to relax on the prison patio. Okay,
[192:28] babe. Just don't try climbing over that
[192:29] fence without the Tretto's permission.
[192:31] >> 10 of these things.
[192:32] >> You will be better than me. movie thinks
[192:34] telling your kid you would be better
[192:35] than me is inspirational parenting when
[192:37] in reality it's a projective abusive
[192:39] parenting mindset.
[192:40] >> 10 of these things.
[192:41] >> Doc Brown and Marty don't get out of
[192:42] this car and tell us they're here to set
[192:43] right with this franchise has broken in
[192:45] the timeline.
[192:46] >> 10 of these things.
[192:47] >> Also, shot or not, she could easily have
[192:49] parked parallel to the curb.
[192:50] >> 10 of these things.
[192:51] >> I met the devil tonight.
[192:52] >> That's all. I beat that dude damn near
[192:54] every night.
[192:55] >> 10 of these things. So after his dad
[192:57] died and he was left with nothing, he
[192:59] somehow grew to a level of power or
[193:01] wealth that he could afford to not only
[193:02] find out who all of Chariz's guards are,
[193:05] but also get to and kidnap people close
[193:08] to each of them. Listen, if he has this
[193:09] kind of power and reach, then this is
[193:10] all theatrics and he could be in Dom's
[193:12] living room right now with Dom's balls
[193:13] in a vice and his wife in a dunk tank.
[193:15] >> 10 of these things
[193:16] >> ingesting the blood of your victims.
[193:17] This is a problem on a whole bunch of
[193:18] levels.
[193:19] >> 10 of these things
[193:20] >> running all the electricity in the room
[193:22] through one plug.
[193:23] >> 10 of these things. I don't recall
[193:25] anyone calling this elevator. Cipher is
[193:27] a hacker, not a magician.
[193:28] >> 10 of these things.
[193:29] >> Yeah, me and Brian are safe.
[193:30] >> Phew. Guess we don't need to worry about
[193:32] them during this international globe
[193:33] trotting revenge tour against us.
[193:35] >> 10 of these things.
[193:36] >> You and I will finish that driving
[193:37] lesson.
[193:38] >> Really? Because at 8 years old, he is
[193:40] really breaking a lot of laws driving a
[193:41] car. Especially the way you were
[193:42] teaching it. And you are too actually.
[193:44] >> 10 of these things.
[193:45] >> No matter what happens, I always keep my
[193:48] promises.
[193:48] >> Uncapable promises about unkeepable
[193:50] promises.
[193:50] >> 10 of these things. So, can somebody
[193:52] please help me understand how we're
[193:54] pulling off a mobile heist, but I don't
[193:56] even get to drive?
[193:56] >> Can somebody please let him drive home
[193:58] so we don't have to hear him be
[193:59] irritated at everything all the time for
[194:01] no reason?
[194:02] >> 10 of these things.
[194:02] >> Well, the sooner we break into the truck
[194:04] and steal the chip, the sooner you get
[194:06] [music] to live Vita. Okay.
[194:07] >> Oh [ __ ] they dried Fellini into this.
[194:09] >> 10 of these things
[194:10] >> and now they will pump gas into the
[194:11] cabin through what looks like the
[194:13] transmission.
[194:13] >> 10 of these things.
[194:14] >> Back is blind.
[194:15] >> This armored convoy let you get in
[194:17] between them and just kept going. It's
[194:18] not you guys that are good at heists.
[194:20] It's that everyone else is bad at
[194:21] stopping them.
[194:22] >> 10 of these things.
[194:23] >> The truck's being saved remotely.
[194:24] >> I'm surprised that you're surprised
[194:25] because I had thought that was what was
[194:27] happening all along, considering the
[194:28] driver passed out 20 seconds ago and the
[194:30] truck hadn't veered off the road yet.
[194:31] >> 10 of these things.
[194:32] >> Found it. I can disarm it with an agency
[194:34] kill switch.
[194:35] >> Holy convenience, Batman.
[194:36] >> 10 of these things.
[194:37] >> We got a blocked path.
[194:38] >> I'm going to get ahead of it.
[194:39] >> Lety thinks getting ahead of it with
[194:41] this motorcycle will help.
[194:42] >> 10 of these things.
[194:43] >> The truck's about to go over the hill.
[194:45] >> We have to crash into it.
[194:46] >> Of course you do. And with no further
[194:48] communication, we will both know that
[194:49] means sandwiching the truck between our
[194:51] cars in a cyine chapel maneuver. In
[194:53] France, I believe that's referred to as
[194:54] an Eiffel Tower.
[194:55] >> 10 OF THESE THINGS.
[194:57] >> I too thought friction would have ground
[194:59] these movies to a halt years ago, but
[195:00] here we are.
[195:01] >> 10 of THESE THINGS.
[195:04] >> How does this cop not see the sewer?
[195:05] Great move.
[195:06] >> 10 of these things.
[195:07] >> This is not the sewer of a country known
[195:08] for its cheeses and salted meats.
[195:10] >> 10 of these things.
[195:11] >> The wheels don't fall right the off this
[195:13] car.
[195:13] >> 10 of these things.
[195:14] >> The Prometheus School of Running Away
[195:15] from Things. Study abroad class of 2023.
[195:18] >> 10 of these things.
[195:18] >> I can lock on to your location and
[195:20] transmit cellular interference through
[195:22] your phone. That should jam his
[195:23] detonator and buy us some time.
[195:24] >> TZ realizes he is a deuse and that he
[195:26] has a machina in his pocket.
[195:27] >> 10 of these things.
[195:28] >> This thing is still rolling towards its
[195:30] target because Vatican City was designed
[195:32] like a pinball machine. Apparently
[195:33] >> 10 of these things.
[195:34] >> These wimpy Italian cars get thrown
[195:36] around, but not this American muscle car
[195:38] because it's so damn heavy and gets poor
[195:40] gas mileage.
[195:41] >> 10 of these things. So the movie is
[195:43] saying he had time to outrun the bomb's
[195:46] shockwave.
[195:47] >> Kennedy thinks the Vatican has sustained
[195:49] some structural damage.
[195:50] >> No lives were claimed.
[195:52] >> Trying to make me believe that the
[195:53] people working on the bridge survived
[195:54] this.
[195:55] >> Kennedy thinks
[195:55] >> reminding me that I'd rather watch
[195:57] Captain Marvel and Jack Reacher have a
[195:58] conversation in Cerebro. I wouldn't even
[196:00] ask any questions.
[196:01] >> Kennedy thinks.
[196:02] >> Street racers who became hijackers
[196:04] graduated to high-speed smuggling.
[196:06] >> Describing the progression of this
[196:07] fiasco, I mean franchise, won't make
[196:09] anything that's going on less absurd.
[196:10] Kennedy thinks
[196:11] >> and at least one nuclear sub.
[196:14] >> I love how the dude is using footage
[196:16] from the movies to accentuate his
[196:17] points. Like in your world, man. Where
[196:19] is camera?
[196:20] >> Kennedy thinks.
[196:20] >> The real question is how did we let this
[196:22] go on? So,
[196:23] >> I asked the same thing, but someone
[196:24] keeps going to watch these movies and he
[196:26] apparently goes to see it like 35
[196:28] million times in the theater.
[196:29] >> Kennedy thinks they've driven to the
[196:30] gates of hell and back for this agency.
[196:33] >> I'll give like one or two cents back if
[196:35] that happens in the next movie, but for
[196:36] now, I'm adding one as a deposit.
[196:38] >> Kennedy, thanks. We should be standing
[196:39] with Dom and his family. That is the
[196:41] very least that we can do.
[196:42] >> Man, she was great in room.
[196:44] >> Kennedy thinks
[196:44] >> the fallout will be existential.
[196:46] >> Did he mean exponential? How can the
[196:48] fallout from a violent bombing be
[196:50] existential?
[196:51] >> Kennedy thinks.
[196:52] >> When Rome falls, so does the world.
[196:54] >> But as long as the coliseum stands, Rome
[196:56] shall stand. And you just showed us that
[196:58] it was fine.
[196:59] >> Kennedy thinks.
[197:00] >> Any attempt to contact your team will be
[197:02] traced.
[197:02] >> You literally just said
[197:04] >> your team's gone to ground. They're safe
[197:05] for now.
[197:06] >> So what the are you talking about,
[197:08] >> Kennedy? thinks
[197:08] >> these fake looking trucks driving past
[197:10] your fake looking mountains.
[197:11] >> Kennedy thinks.
[197:12] >> Bring God's eye online. I'm so tired of
[197:14] the God's Eye in these movies. It first
[197:16] showed up four movies ago.
[197:18] >> Kennedy thinks.
[197:18] >> Earlier they literally said Mia and
[197:20] Brian are safe, but Mia is right here,
[197:23] Brianless, babysitting little bee at
[197:25] Dom's house in LA.
[197:27] >> Kennedy thinks.
[197:27] >> Search everywhere. We need them alive.
[197:29] >> You wouldn't have to search anywhere if
[197:30] you tried the doorbell instead of smoke
[197:32] grenades. Everything's a nail with these
[197:33] hammers.
[197:34] >> Kennedy thinks. I know she's tough, but
[197:36] these are agency SWAT guys in full riot
[197:38] gear. Come on.
[197:39] >> Kennedy thinks.
[197:40] >> Here we have a completely unnecessary
[197:42] bar fight.
[197:42] >> Kennedy thinks.
[197:44] >> Why is this bartender giving the random
[197:46] stranger a gun?
[197:47] >> Kennedy thinks
[197:48] >> beers. Two of them.
[197:49] >> This is one of those tough guy dive bars
[197:51] that interpret the order of two beers as
[197:53] Stella Artois and serve them in the
[197:55] branded chalice as they do.
[197:56] >> Kennedy thinks
[197:57] >> nothing's impossible.
[198:00] You just have to have faith. Tell that
[198:01] to 8-year-old me about to confidently
[198:03] jump off the roof wearing my homemade
[198:04] cape.
[198:05] >> Kennedy thinks.
[198:05] >> Why do I feel like the kayak on top of
[198:07] this car is going to be revealed to be
[198:09] some kind of heavily weaponized kayak?
[198:11] Or maybe not even a kayak at all?
[198:13] >> Kennedy thinks.
[198:14] >> In case you confused it with Agency
[198:15] Blackite Connecticut,
[198:16] >> Kennedy thinks.
[198:17] >> Did they need to keep Letty at a cell
[198:18] designed to contain a child of Krypton?
[198:20] >> Kennedy thinks.
[198:21] >> It's one of those iconic car parties
[198:23] that no fast movie is complete without
[198:25] because family and boners.
[198:27] >> Kennedy thinks. The most wanted man in
[198:28] the world pulls his signature car into a
[198:30] car racing event in Rio and hundreds of
[198:33] spectators cheer. And this is how you
[198:35] get caught. He won't get caught until he
[198:37] wants to. But still, I don't think the
[198:38] agency even needs God's eye to find Dom
[198:40] here.
[198:40] >> Kennedy thinks
[198:41] >> ball through the city was a bit of an
[198:43] homage to my family's safe. Except it
[198:46] was on fire.
[198:46] >> Don't act like any of that was on
[198:48] purpose. The only reason it got out of
[198:49] the truck was because they flipped it.
[198:50] And the only reason it was on fire was
[198:52] because it hit those faulty gas pumps
[198:54] completely by accident.
[198:55] >> Kennedy thinks
[198:55] >> and I OWN THIS CITY.
[198:58] >> [laughter]
[199:01] >> THIS IS THE greatest scene in American
[199:02] film history. Holy
[199:04] >> enemy thinks.
[199:04] >> So, how about we all just start shooting
[199:06] each other and see what happens. Or we
[199:09] race. If you win, you take me in. If you
[199:13] lose, don't lose.
[199:14] >> All right, they're going to settle it
[199:16] mono and mono. Why are there four cars
[199:17] lined up?
[199:18] >> How do you think?
[199:19] >> I can't believe I'm going to race the
[199:20] great Dominic Tretto. I have
[199:22] butterflies.
[199:23] >> This performance is really distracting.
[199:24] I realized he was probably given notes
[199:26] and direction, but the play it like a
[199:28] 5-year-old hopped up on red Kool-Aid
[199:30] doesn't actually play very well at all.
[199:32] It's not menacing. It's not humorous.
[199:34] It's just distracting.
[199:35] >> Kennedy thinks
[199:35] >> the car is on fire, Dom Parks directly
[199:37] next to it, pulls the driver out, and
[199:39] then just cuddles her right there next
[199:41] to the burning car.
[199:42] >> Kennedy thinks
[199:43] >> Looking this surprised that the person
[199:44] who tried to blow up the Vatican didn't
[199:46] race fairly.
[199:46] >> Kennedy thinks
[199:47] >> every account, every dollar we made over
[199:50] the last 20 years is gone. This happened
[199:52] to Bruce Wayne in The Dark Knight Rises
[199:53] and he ended up Okay.
[199:54] >> Kennedy thinks.
[199:55] >> Decrypt.
[199:55] >> Decrypt the blockchain. I'm on it.
[199:57] >> Just decrypt the blockchain.
[199:58] >> Kennedy thinks.
[199:59] >> The coding is next level.
[200:00] >> NEXT LEVEL. OH NO.
[200:02] >> KENNEDY THINK
[200:03] >> WALKING around during live or die heists
[200:04] while wearing several hundred,000 of
[200:06] cash money on your person.
[200:08] >> Kennedy thinks.
[200:08] >> So where do we go to shop off the grid?
[200:11] >> I know a place.
[200:12] >> Of course you do.
[200:13] >> Think.
[200:13] >> They drove from LA to Yuma and found a
[200:15] rest stop with this much Daytona 500
[200:18] swag. Even though the United Reynolds
[200:19] 500 is right there in Phoenix.
[200:21] >> Kennedy thinks
[200:21] >> this movie is 10% shots of this statue.
[200:23] Jesus Christ.
[200:24] >> Kennedy.
[200:25] >> Your sister smiled with her eyes
[200:28] >> and led with her heart.
[200:29] >> Skip.
[200:30] >> Sometimes I would think that the wrong
[200:32] sister died.
[200:34] Why the good one AND NOT ME?
[200:36] >> WHY GOOD SISTER? WHY
[200:38] >> DO YOU THINK
[200:38] >> A COP AND A street racer?
[200:41] I tell you something. They traveled down
[200:43] the same road long enough and they
[200:45] realize how much alike they really are.
[200:47] Oh, you moving. You would say this about
[200:49] a baker and an accountant if the movie
[200:51] involved quick breads and turbo tax.
[200:53] >> She's still doing it, isn't she? She's
[200:55] still helping people.
[200:57] >> Nah, she's dead.
[200:58] >> You started eating this muffin less than
[200:59] a minute ago. Get the [ __ ] out of here
[201:01] with this hallucination starting.
[201:05] >> What the hell was that?
[201:06] >> You know what it is, bro?
[201:07] >> Movie is just as confused as we are
[201:09] about what happened. So, it asks itself
[201:11] a question, but doesn't answer it. So, I
[201:12] end up asking the internet, which tells
[201:14] me it's a LeBron James reference. To
[201:15] which I reply, "Fucking why."
[201:18] >> Cipher is able to pull out a wire that
[201:19] overrides reality instead of just
[201:21] shutting it down.
[201:22] >> Why would the prisoner patient table
[201:24] have access to the main frame in order
[201:26] to guest? I should have just yelled,
[201:27] "God damn it."
[201:31] >> Anyone that thinks those finger
[201:32] movements did anything but order a
[201:34] coffee, they did not authorize this
[201:35] robot to spring into action.
[201:37] >> Here are several seconds of Fast X
[201:39] learning all the wrong lessons from the
[201:40] MCU about how to shoot combat. Tony
[201:42] thinks I
[201:43] >> think I took the bus.
[201:44] >> Talking about public transportation.
[201:46] >> Swearing is for song lyrics only and
[201:49] stub toes.
[201:50] >> That tiny face.
[201:52] >> That's rosé. Not going to work. Long
[201:54] story, but good initiative.
[201:55] >> This road trip with Jacob and his nephew
[201:57] is fun and one of the high points of the
[201:58] movie. I'm sure they wouldn't break this
[201:59] pair up.
[202:00] >> Tubby.
[202:00] >> Passenger planes with Bombay doors.
[202:03] >> Movie says you to the previous movie
[202:05] postredit scene. Justice for Holland's
[202:06] hair. Tony should have stayed dead. I
[202:09] think I might find this awesome if I had
[202:10] any memory whatsoever about the
[202:12] relationship between these two. The only
[202:13] thing I know for sure is that they both
[202:14] died in this franchise and then came
[202:16] back to life. So, it's tough to feel too
[202:18] deeply about this fight if I'm honest.
[202:20] >> You're ruining my snacks.
[202:21] >> This was written by an AI.
[202:23] >> These agency doofuses are mostly
[202:25] unsuccessful because their plans have
[202:27] zero chill and zero planning.
[202:30] >> Great. He saved Han. Now the internet
[202:32] can safely remove its seat belt, move
[202:33] about the cabin, and orgasm in its
[202:35] collective pants.
[202:36] I only care about protecting the people
[202:38] that I love.
[202:39] >> So Dom is Batman now, taunted by the
[202:41] Joker. These movies just get lazier and
[202:43] lazier. Fast 15 will literally be
[202:45] security cam footage of Dom sleeping for
[202:47] 2 hours
[202:48] >> and a little embarrassed. You saw my
[202:50] vision board.
[202:50] >> Vision board my ass. This is you dumping
[202:52] your Google Photos account onto multiple
[202:54] monitors. I see no creative goals here
[202:56] whatsoever.
[202:57] >> Without family, you've got nothing.
[203:00] >> Sorry, orphans. They are arresting the
[203:02] number one fugitive in all the world,
[203:04] but they do not put cuffs on him. If
[203:06] this is Antarctica, how did they dig the
[203:08] massive deep hole and pour the concrete
[203:10] for this structure?
[203:11] >> So, this guy doesn't just want us dead,
[203:13] he wants to erase us off the planet.
[203:14] >> You had to see his detailed plans before
[203:16] you figured that out.
[203:17] >> You need to see this.
[203:18] >> You better come take a look at this
[203:19] cliche.
[203:20] >> Since he's angry about his mom being in
[203:23] danger, we're forced to watch him load
[203:24] up on guns for all the sometime. Oh no,
[203:27] it's that girl who's the sister of the
[203:29] other girl and who has only been in this
[203:30] one movie.
[203:33] >> NO. [screaming]
[203:35] >> HOW DOES A [ __ ] helicopter sneak up
[203:37] on you? You're
[203:38] >> going to be okay, Tess. It won't clear
[203:40] through.
[203:40] >> Cinemalistic ballistics.
[203:42] >> And I messed this thing up every step of
[203:44] the way. That sounds like a leader.
[203:46] >> Oh, all the way off.
[203:48] >> Ready?
[203:51] >> That kid just did a murder.
[203:52] >> Dumb. There's really nowhere to land.
[203:56] Who said anything about landing?
[203:58] >> Maybe this is an indication that you
[203:59] need to explain your plan better and not
[204:01] scoff at the fact that normal people
[204:02] don't start their day butt chugging a
[204:04] bottle of NOS. No one can convince me
[204:06] this movie wasn't written by a child
[204:08] playing with Matchbox cars. Also, Dom's
[204:10] car survives this. This kid just climbed
[204:13] out the back of a speeding car to fix a
[204:14] cannon. Why isn't he biting Dante or
[204:16] punching him in the balls or otherwise
[204:18] behaving like a regular ass hyper child?
[204:20] He's just sitting here like, "Well,
[204:21] guess I've been kidnapped." For no good
[204:24] reason that I can think of, Jacob
[204:25] decides to die instead of just not
[204:27] dying.
[204:28] >> Dom, you got one mile left.
[204:30] >> Correction, he's got four quarter miles
[204:31] left. Dom just threw a burning
[204:33] helicopter at the moving car his child
[204:35] is in. And I'm not getting lazier as the
[204:37] movie goes on. The movie is getting
[204:38] stupider so that jokes aren't needed.
[204:40] And merely stating what is happening in
[204:41] the film lampoons the film enough on its
[204:43] own. [screaming]
[204:48] >> Yep, that's me. You're probably
[204:50] wondering how I got into this mess. The
[204:51] answer is a lot simpler than you might
[204:53] think. I am an idiot.
[204:55] >> I'm real proud of you, son.
[204:56] >> And I will celebrate as I always do by
[204:58] shifting gears.
[205:00] >> Calvary's here. We got you, dumb.
[205:02] >> How the did these guys with cars inside
[205:04] a cargo plane think they were going to
[205:05] help in this situation?
[205:07] >> Problem is, Amsel's mine first.
[205:10] >> Movie twists the titty of this plot so
[205:12] hard that I wish we had established a
[205:13] safe word.
[205:14] >> And you're going to die knowing that you
[205:16] couldn't save your son. No, he's
[205:18] probably just going to drive down the
[205:19] face of the damn and everything will be
[205:20] fine. That's what's going to happen,
[205:22] isn't it? Dom is the best driver in the
[205:24] Milky Way, but he can't see a way to
[205:26] drive around one of these two trucks. If
[205:28] my calculations are correct, Dom is now
[205:30] driving faster than the expansion of the
[205:32] universe. And those calculations were
[205:33] based on every physical occurrence that
[205:35] has ever happened in a Fast franchise
[205:37] movie. Oh, she's she's alive again, too.
[205:40] The people who love these movies and the
[205:42] people who love soap operas don't have a
[205:43] lot of overlap, but that's weird since
[205:45] they are the exact same thing.
[205:50] >> [laughter]
[205:50] >> THEY MADE A 2HOUR and 20 minute part
[205:53] one.
[205:55] There is zero resolution. None. Vin
[205:58] Diesel could die tomorrow and then what?
[206:01] I mean, yeah, we'd be sad about him
[206:02] dying, but this movie never gets its
[206:04] part two. The problem with this new
[206:05] trend of making part one movies is that
[206:07] part two is never guaranteed. That and
[206:09] there's no emotional payoff whatsoever.
[206:11] Anyway, um yeah, say Vin Black Adam
[206:15] didn't really pan out, man. And I need a
[206:17] lifeline. What are the odds you can
[206:18] squeeze me back into the FNF movies? And
[206:20] for the record, I was talking about a
[206:22] different candy ass, not you.
[206:33] I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a
[206:35] stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped
[206:36] some more. I failed to yield at a
[206:38] crosswalk. I changed lanes in the
[206:39] intersection. I changed lanes without
[206:40] signaling while running a RED LIGHT AND
[206:42] SPEEDING.
[206:43] >> IF I'M going nuts, I'll calm down
[206:45] tomorrow. I'll slip the hot can off the
[206:46] pier. If I'm right about this, they'll
[206:48] thank me. Make sure nobody's living in
[206:50] that can when you stack it.
[206:52] >> I want all that in here. They said it
[206:55] was me who was screaming.
[206:58] >> They say most of your brain shuts down
[207:00] in cryosleep.
[207:04] All but the primitive side.
[207:07] >> What are you going to do?
[207:09] >> What are you going to do?
[207:10] >> You have a hair trigger aimed at your
[207:12] head. What do you do?
[207:15] What do you do?
[207:19] [music]
[207:27] >> Remember when I said this car was death
[207:29] proof?
[207:31] Well, that wasn't a lie.
[207:33] This car is 100% death proof.
[207:37] Only to get the benefit of it, honey,
[207:40] you really need to be sitting in my
[207:42] seat.
[207:48] I think it was an Asian gang or
[207:50] something. I saw someone. He looked
[207:53] Asian and he was speaking another
[207:55] language. [laughter]
[207:56] I'm pretty sure it was Asian.
[208:00] >> Hey, where did you get those clothes? At
[208:02] the toilet store.
[208:05] [music]
[208:11] >> Hey, man. You just [ __ ] up your
[208:14] Ferrari. It's not mine. You
[208:16] >> think you CAN SHOOT AT ME? I'M A GODDAMN
[208:18] FEDERAL AGENT.
[208:18] >> I AM AN FBI
[208:21] agent.
[208:24] >> Long about now. I bet that boy wishes he
[208:26] had a parachute.
[208:29] [music]
[208:29] >> Like a piece of cake.
[208:30] >> Cut that one awfully close there, Hos.
[208:33] >> Oh no.
[208:34] >> American muscle.
[208:45] I'm going to go take a piss.
[208:47] >> That's a little bit more information
[208:49] than I needed advance, but go right
[208:50] ahead.
[208:58] [music]
[209:04] [music]
[209:06] >> How you doing, Gino? How are you? Good.
[209:08] Good.
[209:11] >> So, how'd you end up over here anyway?
[209:12] >> Well, you know those old westerns
[209:15] where the cowboys make a run for the
[209:17] border? This is my Mexico.
[209:19] >> Don't change the subject. Just answer
[209:21] the [ __ ] question.
[209:23] >> Hey, crazy boy. Get cool boy
[209:28] got a rocket in your pocket.
[209:36] >> [music]
[209:39] >> I like the way you talk. I like
[209:57] the driving cat. [music]
[209:59] The cat who could drive a car.
[210:13] I close [music and singing]
[210:15] my eyes
[210:19] only [music] for a moment [singing] and
[210:21] the moment's gone.
[210:22] >> You always say that the same thing every
[210:24] time. I'm through. Never again. Too
[210:27] dangerous.
[210:28] >> I know. That's why I always say I'm
[210:29] always right, too.
[210:30] >> But you forget about it in a day or two.
[210:32] >> Yeah. Yeah. Well, the days of me
[210:33] forgetting are over. The days me
[210:34] remembering have just begun.
[210:36] >> Tommy,
[210:38] how's it beeping?
[210:40] [music]
[210:42] >> They ran over here.
[210:45] >> They were followed.
[210:49] [screaming]
[210:49] >> The belt tracks lead away from the
[210:51] battle
[210:53] into Fangorn forest.
[210:55] >> I once caught a fish this day. Frost
[211:00] Brewed Co Light, the world's most
[211:01] refreshing beer.
[211:14] >> I hear your sister is very beautiful
[211:16] >> and your wife
[211:19] moaned like a [ __ ]
[211:22] when they ravaged her
[211:25] again
[211:26] and again. What I want out of each and
[211:29] every one of you is a hard target search
[211:31] of every gas station, residence,
[211:35] warehouse, farmhouse, hen house. Now,
[211:38] >> this guy is he's Old Testament. Blood,
[211:41] bullets, wrath of God,
[211:43] >> fire and brimstone coming down from the
[211:44] skies. RIVERS AND SEAS BOILING.
[211:46] >> 40 YEARS OF DARKNESS, EARTHQUAKES,
[211:48] VOLCANOES, THE DEAD RISING FROM THE
[211:49] GRAVE,
[211:50] >> HUMAN SACRIFICE, dogs and cats living
[211:52] together.
[211:53] >> You realize we're talking about going up
[211:55] against the most powerful guy in all of
[211:56] real? Yes, we are.
[212:00] >> Then we're going to need a team.
[212:01] >> You think we need one more?
[212:05] >> All right, we'll get one more.
[212:07] >> They say most of your brain shuts down
[212:10] in cryosleep.
[212:12] All but the animal side.
[212:16] Guess that's why I'm still awake.
[212:18] >> Maybe it's because uh
[212:21] you don't realize how much you
[212:22] appreciate something until somebody
[212:23] takes it away.
[212:29] Take the wheel.
[212:30] >> Jesus. Take the wheel. [music]
[212:44] [music]
[212:48] >> You know what they say where we're from.
[212:50] >> You do not truly know someone until you
[212:52] find them.
[213:03] You just earned yourself a dance with
[213:05] the devil boy.
[213:06] >> Like I said, I'm here for the team that
[213:09] crippled my brother.
[213:10] >> You ever dance with the devil in the
[213:12] pale MOONLIGHT
[213:13] >> IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER?
[213:15] >> AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA.
[213:18] [music]
[213:20] >> WORSE, they created a monster. I created
[213:22] a monster. If nobody wants to see
[213:24] Marshall no more, they want Shady. I'm
[213:26] Chop Li.
[213:27] >> I'm bringing Han home.
[213:28] >> Chewy,
[213:30] we're home.
[213:33] [music]
[213:40] >> They say an open road helps you think
[213:43] about where you been, where you going.
[213:47] Mom always said there's an awful lot you
[213:49] can tell about a person by their shoes.
[213:53] Where they going, where they been.
[213:57] >> I close my eyes
[214:02] [music] only [singing] for a moment.
[214:05] >> Attention.
[214:06] Attention all personnel.
[214:13] Besides, we have to be
[214:16] just look at
[214:21] all over the town.
[214:26] [music]
[214:32] [screaming]
[214:42] I'm halfway there. [music]
[214:46] >> Halfway there. [singing]
[214:51] >> Breaking news on Los Angeles.
[214:53] >> This is This is AC. I have OJ in the
[214:56] car.
[214:56] >> Okay. Where are you? Please. I'm
[214:59] >> Mr. Anderson. Welcome back.
[215:02] We missed you.
[215:14] It's about time showed up. Not dead yet.
[215:18] Let that be a lesson to you boys and
[215:19] girls. Don't ever argue with the big
[215:21] dog. Big dog is always right.
[215:23] >> Dead man.
[215:25] Dead man walking.
[215:29] That is one scary ass decepticle.
[215:35] >> [music]
[215:42] [music]
[215:45] >> Joe, you had one of those Potter houses,
[215:47] didn't you? Well, have you forgotten?
[215:48] Have you forgotten what he charged you
[215:49] for that broken down shack?
[215:53] [music]
[216:02] You are 9 hours behind the toughest
[216:04] target you have ever tracked. Now I want
[216:06] everyone to sit down, strap in, and turn
[216:08] on all you've got.
[216:11] >> That would mean now
[216:12] >> every dime that passes through each of
[216:14] the three casinos above it, we're going
[216:17] to rob it. Smash and grab job, huh?
[216:19] Slightly more complicated than that.
[216:23] >> Yeah.
[216:24] >> How are we doing in there, guys?
[216:25] >> We're all good in here. How are things
[216:26] looking out there, Nick? Things are
[216:28] good. Hey, can you not say my name over
[216:29] the radio, please?
[216:31] step of your master plan.
[216:34] >> Crashing this plane,
[216:37] you can
[216:38] >> I believe that's the cyber terrorist
[216:41] known as Cipher.
[216:42] >> Cipher?
[216:43] >> I know someone from the Franklin area.
[216:49] >> You
[216:50] stay.
[216:53] I [clears throat]
[216:54] go.
[216:56] >> Give me the case. Give me the thing.
[216:59] Give me the thing. What the
[217:05] >> move? You are 9 hours behind the
[217:07] toughest target you have ever tracked.
[217:10] >> How'd you get your balls from freezing
[217:11] off? You
[217:12] >> got to keep moving. That's the secret.
[217:14] Walking's good. Fighting's better.'s
[217:17] best.
[217:18] >> You are who you choose to be. [music]
[217:25] >> I want to buy them all. I will have them
[217:27] all or take none.
[217:28] >> She stfens. Shoot the glass.
[217:33] >> The last time I put bullet in.
[217:34] >> If you want to get laid, you really
[217:35] don't have to pretend to be interested
[217:37] in the pyramid scam.
[217:38] >> You're in a war. Then
[217:40] >> I'll give you A WAR. [screaming]
[217:43] >> WE'RE RUNNING OUT, BRO.
[217:45] >> But we're going. We don't need roads.
[217:48] >> So say it now. Say it.
[217:50] >> SAY IT. [screaming] SAY IT.
[217:54] >> First try. It's like dragging my balls
[217:57] across shattered glass
[218:01] and it hurts.
[218:02] >> Formula has infinite depth in its
[218:04] efficacy and application, but it is
[218:06] staggeringly simple and completely
[218:08] consistent.
[218:09] >> Virus gets in the wrong hands. That's
[218:10] it. It's game over it,
[218:12] >> man. Game over, man. It's game over.
[218:14] >> You thinking what I'm thinking, partner?
[218:16] Aim for the bushes.
[218:17] >> This sticker is dangerous and
[218:19] inconvenient, but I do love
[218:21] >> We come in peace.
[218:23] >> I come in peace.
[218:26] My world is fire and blood.
[218:50] The worst thing you can do to a to
[218:53] take away their family.
[218:55] >> I mean, how the hell do you know who
[218:56] your daddy is? Cuz your mama told you
[218:59] so. In the captain's quarters, there's a
[219:02] prototype fin. The thing I wore on my
[219:05] head, there's a drawer next to the bunk.
[219:08] It's in that. It's red. You got it.
[219:11] >> I am.
[219:12] >> He's not your cousin or something, is
[219:14] he? Is it my brother?
[219:16] >> NEED MY SISTER AND MY DAUGHTER.
[219:19] >> HE ain't using roads.
[219:21] >> Where we're going, we don't need roads.
[219:25] >> Oh, sorry.
[219:27] >> Oh, should I write them a note?
[219:29] >> Okay. First, I'll access a secret
[219:32] military spy satellite [music] that's in
[219:33] a geocynchronous assortment over the
[219:34] Midwest. Then, I'll ID the limo by the
[219:37] vanity plate, Mr. Big, and get it
[219:39] approximate position.
[219:41] Then I'll reposition the transmitter
[219:43] edition the road truck to 17.32°
[219:46] east. Hit west [music] four over the
[219:48] Atlantic. Bounce a signal down here to
[219:49] the Azors up to Compat 6. Beam it back
[219:52] to satcom through transmitter number 137
[219:54] and down to the dish in the back of Mr.
[219:55] Pig's limo.
[219:58] >> It's almost too easy.
[220:00] >> I want 50 of the best men. I want guns.
[220:03] I want him dead. I want his family dead.
[220:06] >> You stay.
[220:09] I go.
[220:25] [music]
[220:27] >> They should have said the poet.
[220:33] >> What?
[220:35] He has a piston cup.
[220:41] Oh, you think darkness is your ally?
[220:45] You merely adopted the dark.
[220:48] I was born in it.
[220:50] >> I'm trying to put Tiger Bomb on this
[220:52] jungle's nuts.
[220:53] >> Dom, the bomb is out.
[220:57] >> Everybody stay clear.
[220:58] >> It's going to sh
[220:59] >> I'm looking for someone.
[221:02] >> I know that some scumbag in here knows
[221:05] one of the guys who murdered my wife.
[221:07] And nobody can.
[221:09] >> Nobody would.
[221:10] >> Nobody cares. THESE MOVIES ARE TERRIBLE.
[221:14] >> And then he was like, "Boom." And I was
[221:15] like "Blam."
[221:16] >> I went down to the beach and saw Kiki.
[221:18] She was all like,
[221:20] >> "All right. So where [music] to now,
[221:21] huh? Jail."
[221:23] >> Little Caesars.
[221:25] >> Koolak. We have a cool leak. Everybody.
[221:28] >> Me? What are you doing?
[221:30] >> I am the man who gets the sun to
[221:34] [screaming]
[221:40] Get a Peter Pan right here off of this
[221:42] damn right