[0:00] Hi, internet cook and noted heterosexual
[0:04] Adam Ragusea here. Yes, cooking can
[0:08] absolutely help you to attract a
[0:10] romantic partner, and I hope that I have
[0:12] given my overwhelmingly young and male
[0:15] audience plenty to work with through the
[0:17] years. I do get emails sometimes from
[0:20] fellas who report using a recipe of mine
[0:22] on a date night with things apparently
[0:24] going well afterward.
[0:27] Being a guy who cooks is great, just as
[0:29] long as you aren't obnoxious about it.
[0:32] Just as long as you are sincerely trying
[0:34] to cook somebody something that they
[0:36] will actually enjoy instead of something
[0:38] that you think will impress them. When
[0:40] in doubt, center the other person's
[0:42] pleasure.
[0:44] Being a guy who cooks is great, but on
[0:47] this, the day of my 19th wedding
[0:49] anniversary, I feel both empowered and
[0:53] compelled to offer some more substantive
[0:55] tips on sex and romance. Actually, just
[0:58] one tip. The mother of all tips for
[1:01] young men to find young women with whom
[1:05] they are romantically and sexually
[1:07] compatible.
[1:09] Yes, this tip absolutely is also useful
[1:12] for boys looking to find boys and girls
[1:15] looking to find girls and grown ass
[1:17] women looking to find women or looking
[1:19] to find men or for trans people looking
[1:21] to find whomever they want to share
[1:22] their bed with, perhaps on a mattress
[1:25] from Helix Sleep, sponsor of this video.
[1:27] Let me thank them real quick before we
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[2:49] Helix Sleep. Anyway, my one big tip for
[2:53] finding somebody. It is applicable to
[2:55] anyone, but this video is specifically
[2:58] directed at young men looking to find
[3:00] young women. In part because that is
[3:03] where my own expertise lies primarily,
[3:06] but also because young men looking for
[3:08] young women are doing especially badly
[3:11] these days.
[3:13] According to the Survey Center on
[3:15] American Life, 44% of Gen Z guys
[3:20] reported having no girlfriend or
[3:22] boyfriend at all during their teenage
[3:24] years.
[3:26] For Boomer men, that number was only
[3:28] 20%.
[3:30] 23% for Gen Xers, 32% for Millennials
[3:34] such as myself. There is a famous Pew
[3:37] finding from a few years ago that found
[3:39] 2/3 of US men under 30 are single now,
[3:44] compared to only 1/3 of US women.
[3:48] All of these stats are questionable and
[3:51] have been questioned. Many Gen Z'ers
[3:54] don't do the whole boyfriend-girlfriend
[3:57] thing these days, from what I hear. And
[3:58] maybe their their situationships are
[4:01] less likely to be captured in these
[4:02] kinds of surveys. Gen Z'ers are
[4:05] certainly having way less sex than prior
[4:07] generations of young people. That is
[4:10] well established.
[4:12] The Institute for Family Studies reports
[4:14] that 1/4 of US adults under 30 have had
[4:18] zero sex in the last year. That is
[4:21] double what it was in 2010, not that
[4:25] long ago.
[4:26] Something is definitely going on here,
[4:28] and I will now turn to my purely
[4:30] anecdotal impressions. I got into a
[4:33] stupid internet fight the other day.
[4:36] It was in the comments on a video where
[4:38] a woman was pointing out that so many of
[4:40] the world's most desired men, the
[4:42] singers, the actors, the the pretty
[4:45] faces on the billboards, so many of the
[4:47] idols of hetero female desire are
[4:50] significantly under 6 ft tall.
[4:54] In the era of dating apps with filters,
[4:57] women are setting the height filter to a
[4:59] minimum of 6 ft, perhaps imagining 6 ft
[5:02] to be about average, when in fact, 6 ft
[5:05] is quite above average. US average adult
[5:09] male height is 5 ft 9 in.
[5:12] My height.
[5:14] Some [snorts] people comment on my
[5:15] height sometimes, and I find that odd,
[5:18] considering my height literally could
[5:20] not be any less remarkable. It is
[5:23] literally as normal as it gets.
[5:26] Anyway,
[5:27] >> [snorts]
[5:27] >> the woman in this video was basically
[5:29] saying, "Look, ladies, a true 6 ft is
[5:32] probably taller than what you are
[5:33] envisioning.
[5:35] A 5'8 guy might actually be tall enough
[5:38] for you. And if he is, lowering that
[5:41] filter a tick or two will enormously
[5:44] improve your odds of finding the man
[5:46] that you're looking for." Now, I did not
[5:48] get into a fight with the woman in the
[5:49] video. I got into a fight with a guy in
[5:52] the comments making the kind of
[5:54] simplistic evolutionary biology
[5:57] arguments that tend to be popular among
[5:59] the world's worst people.
[6:02] This guy was like,
[6:04] "Bullshit. Women are programmed to want
[6:07] big, tall protectors, and so the tall
[6:10] guys always end up getting all the
[6:12] women, and the women want the tall men
[6:14] so badly that many will settle for not
[6:17] being the only woman, and thus sex is a
[6:21] winner-take-all economy that leaves
[6:23] shorter men out in the cold unless they
[6:25] are rich."
[6:27] And I was like, "Dude, no.
[6:31] I mean, yeah, like a little, but
[6:35] the world is full of happy couples where
[6:38] the man is not much taller than the
[6:40] woman, or in many cases, he's shorter,
[6:42] and he is not always rich.
[6:44] Look at all of the totems of female
[6:47] desire mentioned in this video that
[6:49] we're both commenting on. Women love
[6:51] Jeremy Allen White and Michael B. Jordan
[6:53] and Tom Holland despite them all being
[6:55] under 6-ft and not just because they are
[6:58] rich."
[7:00] Yes, Michael B. Jordan is under 6-ft, no
[7:03] matter what his official bio says.
[7:05] Anyway,
[7:06] this guy shot back,
[7:08] "Have you seen the videos of women
[7:10] meeting Tom Holland for the first time
[7:12] and laughing because he's so much
[7:14] shorter than they were expecting?"
[7:18] And at that point, I felt that I had
[7:20] diagnosed the problem with this guy.
[7:23] This is a guy who pretty much only knows
[7:26] women from the internet and not from
[7:30] real life.
[7:32] Because here's how it works in real
[7:34] life, boys. Gather around and listen to
[7:38] old man Ragusea. Here's how it works in
[7:41] real life. In real life, you
[7:45] do things.
[7:48] You go places. You go to school where
[7:51] you meet lots of women about your age.
[7:54] You go to a study group at the library
[7:56] where you meet lots more women. You join
[7:58] a student organization. You join a band.
[8:01] You join a choir. Oh,
[8:03] the women I used to meet in choir
[8:06] practice.
[8:08] You get a job at a real physical place
[8:12] where you do real physical work with
[8:14] other physical people. Forget the dating
[8:17] app. Get a job at a restaurant, for
[8:19] God's sake.
[8:21] Between the front and back of house,
[8:23] restaurants tend to have a pretty
[8:25] balanced gender makeup, and it's a place
[8:28] that centers corporeal pleasure and
[8:31] alcohol and staying up late, and
[8:35] everybody is sleeping with everybody
[8:36] else at nearly any restaurant you go to.
[8:39] Working at a restaurant is like being in
[8:41] Fleetwood Mac.
[8:44] You get a job.
[8:46] You get involved. Join a political
[8:48] organization or a faith community or a
[8:51] fan community. Anything where people get
[8:54] together in physical meatspace and it's
[8:58] not just a sausage party.
[9:01] When you just live life out of the
[9:04] house,
[9:06] when you do interesting things with
[9:08] interesting people,
[9:11] chemicals will react
[9:13] often in unexpected ways.
[9:18] Back in my dating days,
[9:20] I had relationships with women who were
[9:22] taller than me, shorter than me,
[9:24] prettier than me, less pretty than me,
[9:27] all of that, because when you meet
[9:30] actual women, when you engage with them
[9:33] as something other than a potential sex
[9:35] partner, when you work with women, when
[9:38] you create things with women, when you
[9:40] go places with women, you learn things
[9:42] with women, you will find that a woman
[9:45] becomes interesting to you, not just
[9:48] because of how she looks, but because
[9:50] she is interesting.
[9:53] Because you are invested in her as a
[9:55] human being in her own right.
[9:59] And then that goes the other way, too.
[10:02] Yes, most people, most women, care about
[10:05] looks when seeking a partner, but that
[10:08] that doesn't mean looks are the only
[10:09] thing they care about. When you develop
[10:11] a sincere emotional bond with somebody
[10:14] by living life with that person, by
[10:16] doing things with them, that emotional
[10:19] connection can supersede a whole lot of
[10:21] other factors that people consider when
[10:23] choosing each other. This is my tip, the
[10:26] tip for young men looking for young
[10:29] women.
[10:31] Make friends with women.
[10:35] And not just so that you can hit on
[10:37] them, but because you need friends.
[10:40] Friends are good.
[10:42] Women make really good friends.
[10:44] And colleagues. And bandmates, or
[10:47] whatever.
[10:49] If you live an interesting, involved
[10:51] life with women,
[10:54] you will make
[10:56] pre-romantic connections with far more
[10:59] women than you could ever even have a
[11:01] relationship with. I was friends with so
[11:03] many women where we had an obvious spark
[11:06] between us, but we were never both
[11:09] single at the same time, you know, the
[11:11] stars never aligned, and so nothing ever
[11:13] happened. But the stars did align enough
[11:16] times.
[11:18] More than enough times, perhaps too many
[11:21] for my own good. Just be in community
[11:26] with women.
[11:28] And nature will take its course.
[11:31] As it has done for all prior
[11:34] generations.
[11:36] Uh you might say, "Well, what do you
[11:38] know, old man Ragusea? Nowadays,
[11:40] everybody meets on dating apps, and so
[11:43] flirting in real life is regarded as
[11:45] harassment."
[11:49] I mean, yes, the standards and practices
[11:52] of flirting have changed a lot over the
[11:54] last several generations, but one
[11:56] advantage of the female empowerment that
[11:58] you may decry is that most women feel
[12:01] perfectly comfortable making the first
[12:03] move these days, and so, generally
[12:05] speaking, you should let them.
[12:08] Let the connection blossom organically.
[12:11] Let it grow to the point where you both
[12:13] obviously know that something is going
[12:14] on, but you haven't quite acknowledged
[12:16] it yet, and let her be the one to first
[12:19] nudge her toe over that imaginary line
[12:21] between you. She lives in a world that
[12:24] is legitimately dangerous, so give her
[12:27] the safety of controlling that first
[12:30] move.
[12:32] And if she never does,
[12:34] do not blame the friend zone.
[12:38] There are guys who think that being
[12:40] friends with a woman will cause her to
[12:42] rule you out as a romantic partner.
[12:44] There is no evidence of such an effect.
[12:47] The far more likely explanation is that
[12:50] she would have ruled you out as a
[12:52] romantic partner no matter what. The
[12:54] fact that you are friends with her is
[12:57] incidental.
[12:59] Not everyone you like is going to like
[13:01] you back, and you have to be a big boy
[13:03] and deal with that.
[13:07] Is it harder now for young people today
[13:10] to be in physical community with each
[13:13] other to allow these chemical reactions
[13:16] to occur? Yeah, absolutely. It sucks. It
[13:20] sucks that we've lost so many third
[13:22] places, you know, a physical place that
[13:25] is neither home nor work where young
[13:27] people can just be
[13:30] together
[13:32] without necessarily having to buy
[13:34] something.
[13:36] It sucks that we've created an
[13:37] inherently atomizing, alienating built
[13:40] environment where we don't walk or take
[13:43] the train in close proximity to
[13:45] strangers anymore. You are in your
[13:48] automotive or your suburban pod safely
[13:51] quarantined from everybody else in the
[13:53] matrix. That sucks.
[13:55] It sucks that we walk around with
[13:57] addictive screens in our pockets that
[14:00] offer some of what you get from physical
[14:04] community, but not everything.
[14:06] The internet is like a diet of a of a
[14:10] seafarer of yore. It has enough calories
[14:14] and it seems like it should keep you
[14:16] alive, but it's actually lacking some
[14:18] crucial micronutrients that are not
[14:21] immediately obvious and eventually you
[14:22] will get scurvy and die.
[14:25] The internet is like that as a social
[14:28] food. It offers some of the substance of
[14:31] what you need, but not everything. And
[14:34] if you only get your social food on the
[14:37] internet, you will slowly get sicker and
[14:39] sicker
[14:41] even as you cram more and more of it
[14:43] into your face to compensate. It is
[14:45] simply lacking in certain key nutrients.
[14:49] I don't blame you, my young male
[14:52] audience, for the way that you struggle
[14:54] to find real community with lots of
[14:56] other people including women with whom
[14:59] you might connect even if you don't look
[15:01] compatible on a dating app.
[15:04] It's harder for you guys to meet people,
[15:06] but hard does not equal impossible. Ask
[15:10] any disabled or neurodivergent person
[15:13] about that.
[15:14] Improvise, adapt, and overcome.
[15:19] I I blame you guys when I see you
[15:22] talking about women as though they are
[15:24] animals acting purely on instinct as
[15:28] though they have no interests in men
[15:31] beyond what the ancient reptile part of
[15:33] their brain tells them to pursue.
[15:35] Hey, maybe you are projecting my guy.
[15:38] There are guys who want women as sex
[15:41] objects and as domestic servants who
[15:43] have no interest in women beyond any of
[15:46] that.
[15:47] Maybe the reason she doesn't like you is
[15:50] that she can tell that you don't like
[15:52] her.
[15:54] You aren't interested in her. You aren't
[15:56] curious about her.
[15:59] You're not invested in her success or
[16:01] self-actualization.
[16:03] You just want a nicely shaped body that
[16:05] folds laundry.
[16:08] Well, my guy,
[16:10] if you're a shallow
[16:12] then the only women who are really
[16:14] visible to you are also going to be
[16:17] shallow
[16:20] Maybe you deserve each other.
[16:23] The rest of us
[16:25] have never needed dating apps or even
[16:27] bars to meet. I met a woman in a bar one
[16:31] time and it did not prove to be a
[16:33] particularly good choice.
[16:36] Everyone else I ever got involved with I
[16:38] just met by existing in the world with
[16:41] women.
[16:43] By being in partnership with women and
[16:45] by caring about women beyond my own
[16:48] desire for them.
[16:52] Now, I will admit that despite my own
[16:55] neuro divergence and
[16:57] unremarkable physical attributes, I do
[17:00] have higher than average game with
[17:03] women. I've got good chat as the Brits
[17:06] would say. You might have a less
[17:09] intuitive sense of what women want from
[17:11] you when they're getting to know you.
[17:14] Well, here's a bonus tip for you.
[17:17] Get off the internet,
[17:19] pick up a god damned romance novel.
[17:23] There is this huge and rapidly growing
[17:26] industry that is mostly women writing
[17:30] stories for other women about what women
[17:33] want.
[17:35] It's a cheat code and it's waiting right
[17:38] there for you to learn it.
[17:41] Don't know which book to read? Go to
[17:43] your local romance book store.
[17:46] Even in a modest size city like
[17:49] Knoxville, Tennessee, we have multiple
[17:51] such establishments at this point
[17:52] including Good Girl Books, which my wife
[17:56] of 19 years, Lauren Moral, co-owns with
[17:58] her friend Rayanne. Their favorite kind
[18:01] of customer there is the clueless dude
[18:04] who shows up and says, "Oh, I'm not sure
[18:06] what I should get.
[18:08] Can you help me? I'm kind of awkward."
[18:11] They love that guy because his very
[18:14] presence in a romance book store
[18:16] indicates that he is interested in the
[18:19] inner lives of women.
[18:21] If you want people to be interested in
[18:23] you,
[18:24] you generally got to show some interest
[18:26] in them.
[18:28] Be in community with women in real life.
[18:33] Eventually,
[18:34] one of them will probably look past your
[18:37] superficial shortcomings and perhaps you
[18:39] will learn to do the same.
[18:43] Now,
[18:45] stop watching YouTube and
[18:47] join a choir. Swear to you guys. Choir.