Американские комики о русских (с переводом). Русский акцент. Иностранцы о русских.

[00:00] You know what the opposite of Cubans are? Russians. Straight up. They don't give a fuck. They're mad always.

[00:12] You never, you never met a happy Russian ever, ever. I can prove it right now. You never once in your life heard a Russian go like this. Oh my God, no way. Fucking awesome.

[00:27] That's why you're laughing. You agree with that shit. You ever seen a Russian outside of Disneyland? Like, hurry up, is the whole crew here? Let's go on rides! Go, go, come on! Let's go, go, go!

[00:39] No, they just stand outside of Disneyland, like, fuck this bullshit, I hate this place. Fuck you, fuck this place, I hate this. Mickey and Minnie Mouse, worst couple ever, I don't care.

[00:51] Shittiest place on Earth, mate. I see roller coaster, go by, I follow them, fuck you, I don't care. bye-bye oh you coming back for more I see you doing loops yes hold this see

[01:10] bitch fuckhead Russians are mad dude I do it there's so they never they just fucking I live in I used to live in the valley I moved but that shit was man

[01:26] there's so many Russians where I was like that it was like Russia like there were I go to this coffee shop every day I would go to this coffee shop every day and 12 Russians would show up on

[01:38] motorcycles every single day at like 1 p.m. they would all show up and I would wait for them and every time they showed up they were all pissed off always like so mad for no reason it was like they just drove every day from their divorce attorney like that's how it was we're like a

[01:54] I had a bad meeting. I'm going to have to give wife half of my shit. Let's go get coffee, 12 of us. Like, that's how it was.

[02:12] I have to... I like that logic. I have to... I have to give my wife $20,000. Let's go get coffee, 12 of us.

[02:24] And they'd be pissed off. They'd show up on the motorcycles and they'd get off the motorcycles like they hated motorcycles. Like that's... They would just get off and just be like, Fuck this bullshit.

[02:36] I hate this... asshole way of transportation. Fuck you. I don't care. I wish I had more wheels Fuck you But my wife took the other two I don care And then they walk into the coffee shop like they hate coffee they just walk in like what is this bullshit

[02:57] What is this asshole menu? Where is barista? Come here barista this way fuck you, but come here, but fuck you, but come here, but fuck you though

[03:09] Mainly fuck you but also come here in your asshole, come here. What is this bullshit drink? Fuck that bullshit drink. Fuck your drink. I want one of those.

[03:23] And I want to drink it, but also fuck you. I don't care. They walk always. They walk around like this way. Like, so you know they're mad.

[03:35] Like, fucking chin down. Chin tucked in. And down. Chin, fuck my own chin. I don't care. Chin tucked in and down. Chest out, chin down, chest, minimal neck exposure. I don't care.

[03:50] Neck is for friends and family only. I don't care. Neck is like mafia. You get in, nobody comes out. I don't care. Chest out for confidence, chin down for fuck you. I don't care.

[04:06] Too much applause. This could be shit, but thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks for coming out. How's everyone doing tonight? Good evening. Good evening everyone. Or as the French say, good evening.

[04:20] No, it's bonjour, bienvenue. Yes, yes, I'm learning, I'm trying to practice my French. I'm not going to lie, Montreal probably has the sexiest border I've ever come to in my life. Yeah, I didn't feel like I was being interrogated, I felt like I was being flirted with.

[04:35] It was really sexy. And so what are you planning to do in Montreal? I'm planning to stay. That's what I'm doing. They're French. They're French.

[04:47] The most romantic language in the world. I know why the accent is romantic as well, but it is. It's funny how every accent has its own connotation to it. Speak with a French accent.

[04:59] You are sexy. How are you ladies? And then there's some accents that have no sex appeal to them at all. Like the Russian accent. There's nothing sexy about it

[05:11] Everything the Russians say Sounds dangerous and menacing Doesn't matter what they say Because they've got that thing Yes, I'm Russian, go to kill you, break you Destroy your family

[05:24] Even if Russians say nice things It still sounds dangerous They still go, yes, fluffy rabbits and teddy bears What It like that weird thing Like the Russian accent is so And you know like the crazy thing about the Russians is

[05:41] everyone in the world is afraid of them. Everyone. No matter where you go in the world. You know the Russians are frightening. Because they're the only country that makes America think before doing something. Everywhere else in the world, America acts when something happens.

[05:54] When Russia does something, we think about it. Yeah, you saw the whole thing that happened with that plane that was shot down, the Malaysian flight, the Ukrainian rebels shot the plane, the plane came down, you know, America came out, Barack Obama, he was there, he was like, we gotta, we gotta find out who did this. We're gonna come down on them like an iron frisk. We're gonna let them know what time it is.

[06:15] I'm paraphrasing. And then everyone found out it was the Russians that supplied the Ukrainian rebels with the missile that shot down the plane. And then all of a sudden Obama was like, but let's not rush to conclusions.

[06:30] Let's take our time and not point fingers. Especially not at the Russians. I'm going home now, thank you very much. There's something about the Russians, the Russians, the Russians. You know what's weird is I find the Russian accent frightening but not the

[06:50] Russian language. It's the strangest thing ever. There's certain languages I find frightening, there's certain accents that throw me off. You know for instance I find Arabic frightening as a language. You know it just has that thing in it.

[07:05] Hello, a lot of the little shukha, no one Layla But that could be saying anything we're talking about Candy Crush

[07:20] But it's because we've watched all those movies all those TV shows every time you see Arabic some bad shit goes down It's never something cool or sexy, you know, it's never like

[07:35] It's never that. So the language is frightening, but Russian for some reason I don't find frightening at all. Yeah. I don't. I realized this. I was walking through the streets of New York and there's a Russian guy. He was walking next to me and he happened to be on the phone, right?

[07:48] And it sounded like he was setting up a drug deal. And so this guy is walking next to me and he's talking and he switched from Russian, switched from English, the English Russian accent into Russian. And it went from fear to no fear. It was the strangest thing ever. He was on the phone and he was like, yeah, no Vlad, don't worry.

[08:01] The guy's got to bed at 3 o'clock, okay? You meet them, you tell me after that, you go to the package we call. Don't worry, hey Vlad, no listen, Vlad, Vlad, Vlad. You're not there against you, eh? Yes, you're not there against you.

[08:15] You're not there against you. You're not there against you. You not there against you But you not there against you And it was the craziest thing ever he went from like International criminal to immigrants It was the weirdest thing like I had no fear

[08:28] At all I'm not afraid of the Russian language just the accent in fact to me the Russian language Just sounds like someone's playing a vinyl backwards. That's all I hear

[08:40] It sounds like someone took a DJ of English and they were just there like yeah Yeah, just like yes. Yes. We go to find don't worry Vlad The guys got to be the three o'clock. Okay. Yeah, you bring the package don't worry about that after that you find you give me the call

[08:53] Okay, no, no, Vlad Vlad Vlad yet yet yet with much good foot in the shit That's it You get my shit it's a good Of it much What is it? What is it? What get that it not a bit? No, it'll be a bit Russian. That's what I'm sure

[09:18] And if there's any Russian people here tonight, I'm joking. Please, I don't want to have issues after this show. Walking out of the theater, hey, found a guy. Why you don't come DJ here, eh?

[09:33] Wiki-wiki, do it again. I currently live in New York City, which is, yeah, you know, it's there. I've been living in New York about six years now, and when I first moved there, I had a huge fear I was going to get mugged.

[09:46] Constantly. Like every time I left the house, I was like, here it comes. Someone's gonna take everything. I got over my fear because I learned a trick and now I use this trick all the time. Whenever I think someone might try to beat me up or mug me,

[10:01] I fake a Russian accent. You're welcome. It's genius. I'll be walking home late at night, two dangerous looking thugs walk up to me like,

[10:14] Yo, man, you know a neighborhood, Joe Rank? You think this bad neighborhood?

[10:27] Russians are the scariest white people. They've earned it. I'm so scared of them that I guarantee you if I was lost, dangerously lost, there is no way I'd ask a Russian for directions.

[10:40] Just real quick, like, sir, help me. Please help me. How do I get to the subway? The subway. Walk down the street and turn the corner.

[10:52] Pfft. Yeah, screw that. I think I'm just gonna stay lost. Thank you guys very much. You guys are a great show.