2024 Mini Clubman JCW Review — Full Breakdown & Transcript

[00:00] All right, let's say that you're BMW, and you purchased a bunch of British brands in 1994, including Rover and Mini. And then, by 2000, you decide you don't need any of them anymore,

[00:15] but you keep Mini, and you decide you're going to take your grey Poupon-encrusted nut sack and inject this with Bavarian mechanical excellence.

[00:28] You're going to take an economy car and send it upmarket. And I don't know that it's necessarily going to work because I haven't driven it yet,

[00:41] but it's kind of hard not to love this style, you know? It's giving wagon. It's giving performance wagon. And I love the idea that as we exist in this giant, churning, consumerist entropy machine,

[00:58] that we can still get cars that are like this, except we really can't because they stopped making them. But all that matters is that I get to drive this and see if it makes my top five or my bottom five.

[01:12] I'm the Roman. This is race to the bottom. I kind of have to take a shit. Today's episode of Regular Car Reviews is sponsored by OneRep. Let me tell you a quick story. And I'm not making this up for the sake of an ad read.

[01:24] This is real. A number of months ago, my doorbell rang, and there was this shifty guy. And I kid you not, he says, can I ask you, I'm not selling anything, can I ask you some quick questions about cars?

[01:36] I said, well, what makes you think I know anything about cars? Well, you got a cool car in your driveway. I just want to ask you what you saw of it. And at that point, I'm thinking, does this guy know who I am? I don't ever film the outside of my house.

[01:50] And he's like trying to make jokes to me, but they're the type of jokes that you would hear on regular car reviews. And at no point did I give him the satisfaction of, yes, I'm Mr. Regular, or yes, I'm the guy who does regular car reviews.

[02:03] I'm like admitting to nothing. I'm giving noncommittal answers. And eventually I tell him, this is a nice conversation, but I actually, I work at home, so I got to go. He said, oh, okay.

[02:15] Well, one last quick question. What should I buy, this or that? I'm like, I'm sorry, man. It's a private residence. I pulled out. This is a private residence. And I closed the door. And it was around that time where I'm getting people calling me, asking for the CEO of regular cars.

[02:34] And I'm thinking, oh, my information's out there, isn't it? I keep my identity locked down and people still find it. That's the problem that OneRep is solving. You can go on these websites and say, I opt out for this.

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[03:42] and also the links in the description to help you out. Thank you so much to OneRep for sponsoring this episode. The automotive industry is a hall of mirrors, all right? Funhouse mirrors, like at a carnival.

[03:54] It reflects you in various sizes so that you could see yourself in a pickup truck, you could see yourself in a sports car, you could even see yourself in a Mini Cooper. And the auto industry survives by making each of those possible realities plausible.

[04:11] But in the effort to appeal to everyone while offending no one, the creases have been smoothed out so that everything has the rounded sexlessness of a Lexapro tablet. And this extends to the premium subcompact market, where refinement often means having the same curves that can get a co-worker written up on casual Friday for the high crime of...

[04:35] Oh, let's see here... Oh, right! Wearing clothes! But then here comes BMW, giving Mini the corporate credit card and setting them loose in a warehouse full of FCP Euro parts.

[04:49] And it was a genius idea, because instead of going with one of their subcompact concepts in the early 90s, they just went and bought the Rover Group in 1994, and six years later, sold off most of it, but kept many.

[05:06] Because like the MCU with Tom Holland, it makes sense to keep a small British icon in the family. So they said, we're gonna paddle this ship back to shore and then take it up market like reupholstered couch cushions.

[05:21] And damn it, that's what they did. They built a premium subcompact city car that conformed to BMW engineering with a healthy indifference to turn signals and posted speed limits.

[05:33] And when they launched that first revived Mini in 2001, it somehow achieved the impossible. It looked simultaneously outdated, but entirely new.

[05:46] I rarely have seen a review of a Mini that doesn't specifically use the term go-kart to refer to its handling, but that's because it's fairly accurate to what Mini was, and BMW sought to build a refined version of that lightweight, low center-of-gravity agility.

[06:04] It offered a more fun, more playful, but also modern, upscale alternative to the mini everyone knew. It felt like the goal was to make you rethink your earlier decision to write this off as nostalgia slop for old people.

[06:21] And that ideology extended to the Clubmen and carried through to this its final model year Yes this is the final year mini and it fitting that it carries the John Cooper Works designation You know there an argument that you can make which is that Mini should have always been like this

[06:42] but that's only true if you ignore that they essentially always have been like this. Hindsight will show you the world in 4K, And the truth is that MINI has always had this capacity for nuanced fun underneath its ULU aesthetic, long before BMW ever entered the picture.

[07:02] Case in point, John Cooper Works is named for John Cooper, the designer and performance engineer who saw motorsport potential in the MINI almost immediately,

[07:14] and did everything in his power to see that potential realized. That badge is saying this is what Mini has always been to the people paying attention. And I was not one of those people.

[07:29] I thought these were lethargic little cute mobiles, and then BMW waltzed in to overwrite the save file of its economy roots to make them more athletic. But that's not really the case.

[07:42] Although I guess you could say that BMW made Mini more formidable. I mean, these are basically the puffer fish of the open road. It's adorable, but it has the power to humble you if you aren't careful.

[07:56] Make no mistake, my friends, this car is an absolute joybox. If the 2024 Mini Clubman John Cooper works has taught me anything,

[08:09] it's that a British subcompact owned by a German company doesn't have to feel like being called into the principal's office to get lectured about the finer points of selling and distributing friend fiction

[08:22] about students on campus. Vinnie is an inherently retro brand. You can't separate it from its sentimentality. Nostalgia has sunk into its every component

[08:35] like smoke in the seats of a Mercury Montego that used to belong to a pipe-lunged diner waitress. But I'm tired of pretending that its old-school subcutaneous quirkiness isn't the coolest thing about it.

[08:50] Because it pairs so beautifully with its quick, light, fun, playful feeling. This just carries a vibe that says, I'm top of my class, but also I know where to score Adderall.

[09:03] It's the same aura that screams, I have a thriving marriage. But also, dude, check this shit out. This car is a weighted blanket for overstimulated UX designers and procurement managers who insist on prenups so their collection of Mungo Jerry records is never at risk.

[09:22] Oh yeah, I want that blanket heavier. More. More! If I don't feel like Giles Corey, I don't want it! I mean, this thing can move.

[09:34] It has the high-output B48 2-liter turbocharged 4-cylinder. I believe it's a larger turbo and a lower 9.5 to 1 compression ratio, and power figures are 301 horsepower and 331 pound-feet of torque,

[09:50] with an 8-speed automatic because this particular trim was automatic only. Factory fuel economy is around 23 city, 31 highway, and 26 miles per gallon combined,

[10:03] although my magnificent volunteer Patrick gets an average of around 29 mpg. Now, MINI's all-four all-wheel drive system is standard, which is nice,

[10:16] although I'm a bit indifferent to the drive modes. Green mode gives you gentler throttle response and moderate climate control in the name of improving fuel economy, while the unfortunately named vid mode is a more balanced comfort blend,

[10:33] which really makes it sound like a Sunday morning coffee roast, but it genuinely strikes a nice equilibrium between firm handling, stop-and-go comfort, and a sort of eagerness to help you miss your exit without noticing.

[10:47] But then there's sport mode, which was probably my least favorite of the three. It was impressive at first, but while there was more resistance on the steering wheel,

[10:59] over time, the ride just felt sort of harsh. It was a harsh ride. It was the opposite of a go-kart to me. Like, it was trying really hard to play the part of a performance car, just holding gears way too long.

[11:13] And I found that when I switched over to a different mode, even just green mode, like, yeah, green mode has a more leisurely throttle response, and there continue to be ongoing debates. on the mini forums I looked up, about just how much fuel this actually saves,

[11:28] but even then, I still found it to be relatively inoffensive. It's fine. It was a smooth ride, which is more than I could say for sport mode, which sport mode isn't bad, it just feels like it's doing more than it needs to.

[11:42] Mid was my preferred mode, and I'm not sure what that says about me, but it says plenty good about the car that its default mode, more or less, was this playful? Vinny's whole thing, it feels like, is renewable satisfaction, providing enough

[12:01] performance to keep you happy and enough personality to make you feel like you know something the rest of the world doesn't. If I were more cynical, I would call it a hipster car,

[12:13] but really, all I see is the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, sharply dressed and running late. I see a clubman, and I can only assume that a foil-covered casserole is riding shotgun as the

[12:26] driver burns dinosaurs to get to the housewarming party. You see this zooming through stop-and-go traffic. You see it in a parking lot looking like a 12-year-old in a newsboy cap, trying to keep the

[12:38] sugar in his system from making him less governable than social trust. You see the driver loading in cargo through these charmingly labial barn doors as it takes to the road with the domestic

[12:50] carriage of a rolling pantry, and you can't help but think, how on earth could this be anything but a delight But then maybe I just a sucker for a car that feels like it has something to say Now interestingly Patrick explained to me that he had initially looked into options like an M340 and a 330i

[13:15] but the Mini was significantly cheaper and actually made more power than the 330i he was looking at. The base MSRP on the window sticker he showed me is around $42,400,

[13:28] but options like the piano black exterior and interior trims, along with the heated seats, active driving assistant, active cruise control,

[13:41] and whatever the hell the mini excitement package is, place this at just under $48,000. That puts it about level with a Volkswagen Golf R and a little higher than the starting price of a Honda Civic Type R.

[13:56] Obviously, options and packages are going to push those numbers a lot closer to the $48,000 that this Mini costs, but the overriding question in all of this is whether the Mini experience justifies the added expense.

[14:12] If nothing else, I enjoy the appearance and the interior more than the Golf R, even if I think on a spec sheet the Golf R would show itself to be the quote-unquote superior car,

[14:26] because I'm using air quotes here, but if you went with this, I wouldn't inherently think you made a bad choice. But even ignoring how athletic it is or isn't,

[14:38] the Mini Clubman has a certain color to its personality, and I'm not just talking about this rebel green paint job that stands out in a sea of monochrome homogeneity.

[14:50] It has rear taillights that look like a Union Jack. It has this center screen. God help me, I deeply rock with this circular center screen pod. It's like a letterboxed center screen.

[15:03] But I don't even care, because buttons, dials, I will never stop gushing about this. I know that more automakers are pledging to bring back tactile controls, dating back as far as last October, but I'm not holding my breath.

[15:18] Yet, obviously, there are automakers who do make room in their fleet for tactile controls, and I need them to know that it's appreciated by this self-certified unk.

[15:31] I'm an old head, and I like to press and twist and turn, and this sort of takes me to the interior itself. itself. It's very inviting, almost home-like, not in the sense that you could live in it, but it sort

[15:45] of feels like the kind of car your friend's mom would have had, the kind of sensible take-you-to- the-mall car that you don't remember until it's 20 years later and you realize they don't make anything like it anymore. And yet, there is a reason for that. The Mini Clubman is good and

[16:05] unique, but other minis continued while the Clubman ended here, and I think it's because cars like this don't do a good enough job of justifying to consumers why they shouldn't just buy an SUV or

[16:20] crossover. The Clubman does try, though, even if it comes up short in places, no pun intended. I guess it behooves you not to be taller than maybe 6'2", if you want comfortable headroom, although

[16:34] I will say that the storage capacity is quite generous. There's 17.5 cubic feet with the seats up and 47.9 with the seats down, which might not sound like a lot, but while it's less than the

[16:49] Golf R's 19.9 cubic feet with the seats up, it's significantly roomier than the Golf R's 34.5 cubic feet with the seats down. Yet, for most people, I feel, a crossover or an SUV is going

[17:06] to be more practical than a car whose personality is doing a lot of the heavy lifting. And that's the unfortunate part about this car. I'm coming to this realization in real time, but the Mini

[17:18] Clubman is good, yet I don't know that it does any of the individual jobs of the types of cars it might be mirroring better than those cars. I mean, it's not going to have as much room or cargo

[17:32] capacity as an SUV or the same singular focus of a sports car, although it has the comfort and interior space of a really nice sedan or hatchback, because the Clubman is just really good at being

[17:47] itself, of giving you exactly as much car as you need right at that moment, as long as you don't need to do anything more than transport yourself and maybe three other people, and to do it in a

[18:00] modicum of style, and provide a modicum of fun. And really, I think that's great. I think it's probably the best thing about this car. It's self-certainty in its own value. It's so unique

[18:16] and charming. I just drive this and feel jolly all the time, like Santa Claus in the off-season, But it failed because I feel like the market slid a knife into the intractable flesh of the quirky performance subcompact,

[18:34] and then just, you know, just worked the blade in there until its entrails spilled out on the consumerism's slaughterhouse floor. Because the market demands what they've been told they want, and a silly little hot hatch isn't it.

[18:49] That's my theory anyway, because if you think about it, the Mini Clubman isn't as immediately legible as the kinds of cars that are successfully marketed to consumers looking to understand how a certain vehicle will fit into their lives.

[19:05] The Mini Clubman doesn't appear to have an immediate use case that overpowers that same use case of crossovers or even more conventional hatchbacks. The Mini has character that many of its contemporaries don't have, that's true

[19:21] But if character were enough to get you across the finish line We'd have a lot more unconventional beauty pageant winners And okay, it's quick, and it's fun It got performance underneath its bulldog hat bells and whistles But performance options are to the auto industry what medical bills are to a person finances They the first thing people cross off when

[19:46] money gets tight. They're still important, of course. I mean, they aren't a child's weekly allowance. Like, if the mini blows a head gasket a week before payday, frankly, I don't care how

[19:58] Oh well, Timmy cleaned his room. He's going to have to take his Monopoly money to the Imagination Mall. But upper-mid-budget premium subcompacts like this need to draw a wider cloud than an enthusiast's niche.

[20:14] A car like this is bait in search of a lake. It's a dish of salted peanuts in search of a bar countertop. It needs an enthusiastic audience, not just a willing or persuadable one.

[20:28] Especially since there are some purists who still don't vibe with BMW-era minis, and to each his own, but when people complain about BMW taking mini upmarket and away from its sort of economy roots, I guess, because they felt it had more value as a premium option,

[20:49] It sort of reads to me as the automotive equivalent of complaining that you can't turn a hoe into a housewife, which really just sounds like a skill issue to me, because if she's choosing the streets over your companionship,

[21:01] then you need to check your bread, your tone, or your attention to detail. And I say this as somebody who doesn't really think hoes exist anyway, because that implies it's anybody's business what consenting adults do in the privacy of a Buick Century parked outside a directional microphone and weapons-grade binocular store.

[21:19] This isn't about solving what constitutes a mini, mostly because I'm exhausted by enthusiast purity that smacks of video game console tribalism. But what I will say is that, at least in some cases, I guess, I can understand the objection.

[21:34] because the utilitarian and everyman meanings of the mini that Alec Issigonis birthed onto the world from his glorious Greek grey matter was arguably transformed into a comparatively overpriced,

[21:50] oversized, overweight, and over-altered bastardization of the classiest classless car you could buy. Classless not in the sense of lacking refinement or decorum,

[22:04] but classless in that it really was a car of the people, without having the negative historical associations of the people's car.

[22:17] But, in the soul-transferring continuity of generational model change, I would think most of what matters about a Minion is still here. I had a lot of fun in this.

[22:29] Is it a better performance car than a sports car, or more roomy or utilitarian than an SUV? No, but it's still impressive to find a car that can check so many boxes and still be as fun and nimble and individual.

[22:50] So I guess I'll offer a very, very belated rest in peace to the many clubmen. I won't say you were too good for this world, but I think the tune you danced to just became harder for the band to keep up with.

[23:26] automatically enter to win this fantastic example of 2000s engineering. I've been enjoying driving this car. It hisses, it excels, oh, it pulls so perfectly.

[23:38] And this is the type of Hawkeye Subaru that I would make. Tasteful modifications, just a little bit more power, and stock ride height. No scraping. Drive over any curb you want.

[23:52] It's usable every single day. Click on the link in the description. stanathem.com slash regularcars. Pick up some merch, and someone's going to win this. The giveaway ends Monday, October 26th.

[24:08] Before I get to the final ranking, if you want to support these videos in the best possible way, join us on Patreon for just a dollar, where you'll get early, ad-free videos, along with other exclusive content.

[24:21] You can also check out our merch links in the description, or simply like, comment, subscribe, or share the video. But either way, if all you can give is your viewership, please know that that is enough, and it means the world.

[24:35] Now, I went back and forth on whether this makes my top five, and when I think back on whether or not I enjoyed this more than the Jaguar, I kind of have to say, man, I don't know. It's really hard to narrow down because they're very, very different,

[24:50] and I tend to put a lot more weight on character than I think most automotive reviewers would. Yeah, I think ultimately the Jag was more fun. It was more immediately fun.

[25:02] I think I have to stick with the Jaguar. I'm sorry, Mitty, I'm sorry. I really did love you. I had a great, great time, but this has to fall into the ass crack of the race to the bottom. The top

[25:15] five lists remains unchanged, the bottom five lists remains unchanged. But I would love to thank Patrick for being so generous with his car and with his time. It was a longer than average

[25:27] shoot, and I appreciate so much your willingness to help, even when the sun wasn't cooperating with some of our shots. Now, if you think you have an absolutely awful car that can win the race to the

[25:43] bottom, something with no redeeming features whatsoever, or you think you have something Brian might find interesting to drive for RCR, email me at regularcarstheroman at gmail.com.

[25:57] We can only accept volunteers willing to come to us in southeastern Pennsylvania, but if that sounds like you, hit me up. Thank you so much for watching, and have an incredible

[26:09] rest of your week.