Everything Wrong With 22 Jump Street In 20 Minutes Or Less

[00:13] idea that it takes the combined bank accounts of Sony, Columbia, and MGM to finance a moderately funny sequel to a moderately funny buddy cop comedy based on a 40-year-old TV show. >> Previously on 21 Jump Street.

[00:25] >> Previously on in a movie. Movies aren't TV, people. Also, previously on ads a new scene that wasn't actually previously on where Jenko and Schmidt not particularly funny callback to this scene about an hour and a half from now.

[00:39] >> The only clue Jenko and Schmidt got from the video was metro port and the time. And this port is huge. Nevertheless, they managed to drive to precisely the >> What are you doing? >> Huh?

[00:51] >> Somehow, even though they're in the only car around and they're parked in full go through Schmidt's entire get-into-racist-stereotype identity routine for all the sometime without the ghost and his men noticing them. Loading

[01:04] wide-open warehouse with nobody on the lookout so that anyone, say, two random >> Or the lever, though. >> Making me have to figure out the statute a different time. >> Oh, yes. I was Dora

[01:21] and Diego and Swiper. >> This works longer than it should. >> Take him out, guys. They're cops. >> Jenko and Schmidt escape being killed 6 minutes into the movie because ghost's men inexplicably scatter and fire

[01:33] shooting the cops before they have a chance to get behind cover and draw >> Also, taking cover from gunfire behind a pallet of cardboard boxes. I THINK WE'RE MOVING. >> Scene does not contain a neutron dance.

[01:45] animals even though none of the containers were open. Jenko. So, if all that cargo net is attached to is Jenko's ankle, there is plummet to their death the moment Schmidt went OVER THE EDGE.

[02:04] >> They have eight tentacles. tentacle sense. >> She doesn't get that it's always worse >> The Empire Strikes Back, The Godfather Part II, and Mannequin Two on the Move

[02:18] abandoned church directly across the street. >> 22 Jump Street believes it has saved itself from a sin by pointing out its own convenience. 22 Jump Street is wrong and getting five additional sins for the

[02:30] hubris. >> 22 Jump Street is the lick. >> Now, these kids take this [ __ ] and they get laser-focused for about 4 hours of studying and then they party like it's god damn 1999.

[02:43] kids would have been at most eight in 1999. So, how bad could these parties >> Welcome to college. >> Shower caddy. >> Movie decides that the best comedy is

[02:57] exactly what that item is. >> I'm going to veto that poster. It's a touch childish. >> Okay. What do Lambos have to do with smart, and they played around with this in the first film, but I was still at

[03:11] possible for him to have passed the number of tests he would have to pass to become not only a police officer, but to go into the undercover program. This >> They still have books. >> A joke in a 21st century comedy about

[03:23] >> So, we'll go to all Cynthia's classes and activities, ask around about the >> They are no longer in the library, and Schmidt is following up on the last thing he said when they were in the library. So, I guess they just walked in

[03:36] were in a more crowded location to loudly discuss their undercover case. >> Dude, in human sexuality, do you get to [ __ ] or do you just get to watch people >> What the [ __ ] am I taking it for then? >> Going to guess it's to set up a series

[03:49] that are as obvious and unfunny as this one. Among the wars on the board under failed American policy is Cola Wars. First, that's not an American policy. It's an advertising campaign. Second, it didn't fail. Coke totally won that

[04:02] >> Mr. McQuaid? >> It's the first day of this giant college class and so Professor Oswalt already knowing a student's name is ludicrous. I'm sleeping with two of my students, her and her. Actually, I am.

[04:14] has had an inappropriate sexual relationship with a student. To be fair, maybe he was fired, but I can't trust this movie to do the right thing, so >> That girl is in my psych class. >> She's hot. Go talk to her.

[04:27] being encouraged to hook up with a high school kid like in the first movie, but I still feels all the ick. >> Slam poetry. >> Slam poetry. Yelling. Angry. Waving my hands a lot.

[04:41] >> This movie is making me yearn for the simpler times of slam poetry comedy such sentence I never thought I would utter. Apparently, the cells in this prison which seems like a very bad idea. >> Jenko and Schmidt are undercover at

[04:54] college to find the dealer of this new synthetic and no one will tell us Schmidt are giving Walters any information on their current case or place. Why wouldn't they just go talk to other undercover cops who have similar

[05:07] Riggle and Dave Franco back in this movie is obvious. >> Do you remember that stupid tattoo? A bazooka? I think I might have did it on mohawk. I don't know. >> Out of all the tattoo shops in town,

[05:20] the right one and just happened to talk to the right artist who just happens to remember that the recipient of the tattoo was a football player. This feels like plot. >> Dude, I'm sorry. I got my Q-tip in your

[05:33] after I tried to surprise her during her pre-bedtime ritual somehow made its way >> All we have to do now is rush the frat long enough to confirm that Rooster has >> Jenko could have just checked out his arm in the locker room when they were

[05:46] changing after football practice. But instead, movie goes for the fish out of pledge a fraternity cliche. >> Come on the roof. Come on the roof. Zook's Spider-Man-like climbing skills, that is not the roof. That is a balcony.

[05:59] >> I love to be alone. I am like the best at it. that you wouldn't expect, but what I know what I mean? >> I do not.

[06:11] >> The fans used to rush the field after every win and tear down the goal post. in. >> Goal posts are already placed in after the concrete is poured. So I'm not sure how much more one could cement them in.

[06:23] >> Dude. >> Dude bro. Dude. to be on this [ __ ] team, bro. >> You would think that who gets to be on not the very drunk quarterback. You'd be wrong.

[06:35] >> What's up is Schmidt has clearly falsely presented himself to someone and still chose to have sex with her under said false pretenses, and they'll still end >> It's like all fun and games, and then you wake up in bed next to a 40-year-old

[06:48] >> Considering this is college and not high school, and there are plenty of older people who could go to college, why did Schmidt's undercover age have to be 19? thought twice. For some reason, nobody on this campus bothers putting on their

[07:00] walk of shame. >> What the [ __ ] is this? This is [ __ ] finished assembling this totally useless murder board before asking what the [ __ ] it is. >> We're talking missionary. We're talking

[07:13] missionary. We're talking when I'm on top and she's on her back. >> We're talking movie has time for this. >> I will give you some dap, Schmidt. instead of doing his job. >> What the [ __ ]

[07:26] days. Do you realize this means Zook is the dealer? Jenko has been withholding vital information in the investigation, and him. But he won't because these people are terrible at their job and are in no

[07:39] drug ring, but somehow they will. >> The movies. >> Yeah, we made a batch for the whole dorm, man. felony by drugging everyone in the dorm without their consent. Also, not

[07:52] questioning Keith and Kenny on the spot when they confessed to having committed said felony. They could have solved the case of who the dealer is right here. frat is 100% focused on selecting new pledges in a room that prevents them

[08:06] >> Let's do this. >> I don't even know floor without anyone in the room below hearing the noise or noticing the rain >> Time to prove that Zook's the dealer.

[08:18] sneaking into the house and noisily planting all the cameras, but risking feed while still inside the house. >> And Brad, Brad could be like our guy. He could like be a part of our thing. >> Zook plays the pronoun game, so we'll

[08:32] until the real dealer is revealed in act time to hide all these cameras and get out the window before Zook can manage to >> Oh, I'm having a bad trip. WE'RE HAVING A

[08:46] all the film time. >> Do you HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY? >> IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY, OPEN YOUR [ __ ] MOUTH. >> This ends up being a pledge prank, of course, but god damn, who in 2014 is

[09:00] as a setup for a prank? Read the [ __ ] room, [ __ ] >> Pledges, tonight we separate the weak from the strong. >> YOU'RE DEAD TO ALL OF US. >> Setting up a deadly declaration without

[09:14] making it through tonight. >> ROOSTER, LIGHT THE TORCH. >> THERE IS A TORCH literally lit in Rooster's hand already.

[09:30] nailed that vault. Rooster and that Randall judge on the right are dicks to >> man? >> After tripping balls followed by 5 hours still able to walk in a straight line and have a conversation without slurring

[09:44] >> Indeed. >> I don't know. Maybe we should just Maybe >> They keep going back to the well of this talking about our professional relationship as if they're thinking I'm going to run out of skits, but they'd be

[09:57] different people. >> Also, how does investigating other believe Zook is involved in the drugs, so they would both need to stay focused >> Jenko and Schmidt did not know how to 22 Jump Street correctly. Why does everyone

[10:11] shoeless? This university must hold the record for cases of athlete's foot and >> It's like these two share a single brain, Bob. >> These announcers clearly attended the Bob Uecker School for movie sports

[10:24] IN. >> CONSIDERING THE ONLY other person who preoccupied with aggressively working out, who else is Schmidt concerned with >> What are you guys doing here? What are you kidding?

[10:36] >> Why would Schmidt's parents be there though? They're not undercover cops and operation or put themselves in harm's way. It's not like every parent shows up for parents weekend. I would argue that on most campuses it's at most 10%.

[10:49] >> Maya, hurry up. Your mama done found a table she want. >> I can't believe Maya is Dickson's daughter, said no one who has seen a dating. >> It is because earlier Maya asked Schmidt

[11:02] >> Maya is addicted to mixed signals. >> You're going to be in like the annals of >> Dude, you could make it into the annals of football history, too. >> Making each other the butt of the joke. >> Hi.

[11:17] >> You mean how long has she been in the spot you've had visual contact with all >> You're more messed up than Cynthia was and she went to the school shrink three pills and shots. >> We find out later that Mercedes sets up

[11:30] the drug dealing. However, we're given no indication that Mercedes knew Schmidt is an undercover cop until they confront her on spring break. So, Mercedes giving Schmidt another potential drug dealer is convenient as [ __ ] and I don't like it.

[11:43] randomly bringing up Cynthia to remind Schmidt and Jenko why they're here, I'm solved. Movie expects me to believe that after all the shenanigans I've witnessed confidently pick a lock and I do not believe you, movie.

[11:56] >> Guy. >> How can he be sure? Apart from height form are either blank or marked N/A, including the subject's name and phone student who happens to be 5'10" and 125

[12:09] session. >> Yeah, no. We're your 9:00 a.m. That's >> of fact, I >> Zuke has the tattoo. attention to themselves by talking about their case in front of a bunch of random

[12:21] trying to tell us they're not good at their jobs. since before you got to the captain's office, which makes it odd that you wait >> OH, [ __ ] OH, [ __ ]

[12:38] SCHAAL AS A horse test to see how long the joke remains funny. And if its goal was less than 3 seconds, it won. >> I just want to say that it was bizarre to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State.

[12:51] stopped Captain Dickson from using his AK. Today was a good day. face one time really, really, really hard? I got something way better than that. >> Family drama or not, I'm pretty sure the

[13:06] tasing Schmidt in the dick son. >> We have to stop treating this like it's >> Somehow a quote from the lone writer in the room who wanted to make this sequel the movie. Sadly, that writer was fired shortly thereafter.

[13:20] >> We did have carte blanche, not no more. You got that expensive chase in the the one can break the fourth wall before it stopped being funny and just turns into self-referential nonsense. This movie crossed that line about 40 minutes ago

[13:34] and there are still 40 minutes left. >> Warning, find the supplier, but don't >> Unless the department intends not to pay Jenko and Schmidt for continuing the investigation, this is impossible. >> The supplier is putting drugs inside the

[13:47] one goes anymore, man. >> No one except for the literally dozens you walked through it earlier. >> Dude, I got to go. I'm blowing blowing second ago, talking openly about the case in front of the dock.

[14:01] He's playing football, so yes, he are ignoring you. >> Brother needs me again. You know, loyalty is cool. I admire it and I know yourself to be held down by a guy just because he won't let go.

[14:14] undercover officer, takes the time to have this conversation with Zook instead partner who has broken the case and is in potential danger. [ __ ] >> It's clear that Schmidt still has his

[14:27] pants zipped up and Jenko still has his helmet on, so this shouldn't work, but >> Do you have guns? >> No, no, I don't. >> Jenko, when the bad guys ask you if you have guns, you say yes.

[14:39] >> Well, why don't you put your guns down and let's fight like men? >> Having a conversation with the cops you're about to kill about how you have >> Go. >> I think he's still chasing us.

[14:52] followed Schmidt down the stairs and Jenko had time to run all the way back for a getaway car. >> Why did you do that? We were about to >> LOOK, IF YOU DON'T SAY SOMETHING, PEOPLE WILL NEVER STOP DISCRIMINATING.

[15:05] them just moments ago, but somehow this overweight golf cart has stayed far take place. >> WILL YOU PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT HOW >> LUCKILY, one of the courses Schmidt took while undercover was golf cart speed

[15:19] modification 101. This is clearly the intersection of two sidewalks, but so frequently on this campus that they require a posted speed limit. >> The fact that Jenko got offered a scholarship based on his performance in

[15:33] one practice and one and a half games, and also the fact that this is probably not that odd because football. Also, movie has time to interrupt a high-speed conversation. >> Turn around, sir.

[15:45] and I'll explain later. >> Potentially blowing your cover by of students and fans instead of just letting them take you in and showing them your badge when you're alone. The crowd and the team cheer for Jenko and

[15:58] shoulders even though he wasn't playing for most of the game. out of your undercover assignment. >> We have identified and arrested one Dr. >> Up until now, Wi-Fi has been spelled as a single word, but this newscast decided

[16:13] it needed a hyphen. >> You're not supposed to throw rocks. >> Casual battery of a minor is casual. Also, the sign clearly says not to feed >> They're just lobsters, dude. >> Movie wastes time and the cost of half a

[16:26] dozen lobsters on a not very funny callback to a not very funny previously on scene that was not even in the first film, Brian De Palma's 22 Jump Street. saw that he pays tuition for a student at MC State.

[16:38] finding out which student because we've still got another 20 minutes of movie to >> I have time off. I'm on spring break. >> Spring break. There would not be university during the spring outside of scrimmages unless there's some college

[16:51] XFL I'm not aware of. In case you confused it with an actual city in Mexico. Ocean, hotels, waves, guns, talcum powder, excitement.

[17:05] here on this busy sidewalk without somebody taking it long before Mercedes >> We're going to get all these kids at spring break hooked on Wi-Fi. your turf and you're going to sell the [ __ ] out of it. Sell the [ __ ] out of it.

[17:20] >> Discussing the expansion of your drug trafficking operation, complete with the a public bar where anyone could just walk in on you at any time. Girls. Like Blanche did heroin. >> All right. I just sit here and be

[17:34] >> Dad! >> MAYA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? >> NO, this is spring break. It wasn't a shootout until Dixon made it one. >> You know who's behind this Mercedes car? That's one of the best drivers that we

[17:47] Jenko and Schmidt even spotted the Lamborghini. Dixon has no reason to much less that one of his men is driving it. Even though Mercedes had a considerable head start, and this hotel is packed

[18:00] picks the right hallway and the right floor and catches up with her. Also, it would have been easy for Mercedes to lose herself in this crowd, but instead, fight him because reasons. >> What am I doing?

[18:13] >> TRY TO KISS YOU? >> THIS KISS understanding goes on for all that there are only 10 minutes left, movie has time for this. untouched in a hallway with hundreds of potentially drunk Americans before

[18:27] most unbelievable part of the movie. >> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. NOW, MAYA. >> WHAT? >> SOMEHOW DIXON escaped the Jeep, Maya father, and both of them ended up exactly where they needed to be on

[18:39] Schmidt. >> What? Indeed. >> You have the right to remain silent. >> got this. You go handle the ghost. He's after he freed himself from the handcuffs and followed him to the roof

[18:53] there's no way Dixon could know this. >> Bye-bye, >> Instead of just flying away, Ghost has his pilot hover within jumping distance >> I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING. YOU DON'T OWE

[19:07] ME DOWN, MAN. YOU LIFT ME UP. LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY. the climax of the movie hanging literally and figuratively. They just Yay? >> Now, for your next mission, you two sons

[19:21] of [ __ ] are going to medical school. >> Instead of suspension, Captain Dixon's reaction to walking up on an officer who accidentally shot himself while trying to shoot his partner is to assign both of them a new case.

[19:36] products, and shows in the Jump Street franchise, all of which look like they'd be a whole lot funnier than the movie we just watched.

[19:51] >> Obviously, we've all heard the statement before, first impressions are important. training is in psychiatry. >> Oh, man. >> Oh, man. >> Whoa, man.

[20:04] meat, bro. >> Oh, man. I got my I got my meat in your together. >> HOT CAR. >> HOT CAR. >> HOW'S THE PEEPING, TOMMY?

[20:18] >> How's the peeping? >> Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. >> You're late. >> A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins. we should be more like the Yangs. >> These words and the words that follow

[20:31] were not written only for the Yangs. >> Let's go. Let's go. >> Then get ready for the most SEEN. >> OH, I FEEL SO ALONE.

[20:47] >> GOING TO NEED SOME MORE FBI GUYS, I guess.