Moana 2026 Review: Full Breakdown & Transcript

[00:00] This movie exists.

[00:12] Disney. Also, shaving one second off of Moana's 49 seconds of logos has not won my favor in the way you probably thought it would, Moana 2026. Especially when you've added eight minutes of extra run time and this hairpiece.

[00:24] Into the game. There was narration. Also, let the final proof you didn't actually want shot-for-shot adaptations of the movie begin. Some dogs get to the heart for themselves.

[00:36] Realize this. How is it possible for anyone to steal something to feed he already shares with the world? Magic and science are both embarrassed by the decision to paste Maui's bad wig onto his bird form as well. He could change form with the power of his magical fish hook.

[00:51] A fish hook that disappears into a magical pocket dimension when Maui is in animal form. Why is Maui always looking for new ways to trick us into thinking about his butt? And if you keep it up, I got a cave for you to go in. The rock's plastic, nipple-less Samoan Ken form fails to change the hierarchy of the Disney live-action remake universe.

[01:08] She was rumbling before we got here, right? Talking to your mean Maui about a woman's rumbling makes me uncomfortable. I will say, Maui's animated tattoos are pretty fun. Just imagine if all the characters in this movie were animated. Without their heart, the city began to crumble, giving birth to a terrible darkness.

[01:27] Movie immediately gives away one of the big reviews that made the original finale so f***ing cool, honestly. It's a bold act of self-recognition that anything it has to say has already been said in a much better movie. H.R. A demon of earth and fire.

[01:41] Classic animation beats CGI Exhibit 2A. Original badass lava melting as T'Ka's head emerges from the water being replaced with some basic-ass stock-footed fire effect. The only part that impresses me is how much it ennui's me. And true, we are all devoured by the bloodthirsty, inescapable jaws of death.

[02:01] Moana, the Wednesday Addams of Motunui. Oh, sorry. I thought we were releasing versions of this film you wish we were watching instead. One day, the heart will be found. Several minutes of oral folklore exposition that we already know.

[02:13] The Polynesian Triforce may be a lot older than the Zelda Triforce, but add in a grandmother prophesying about a child who will boat around the map to save the world, and I'm going to start writing the Legend of Zelda the Wound Waker fanfiction in my head. Yes, four minutes and eleven seconds is exactly where this movie lost me,

[02:27] which is, for the record, four minutes longer than I expected. There is no darkness, and there are no monsters. Hey, Hey, Hey shows a suspicious level of comedic timing and intelligence

[02:40] that is completely missing from adult Hey, Hey, suggesting a tragic head injury backstory that I'm deciding this movie should have shared. If the point of live action is to make the story seem more real, then now is the moment for a barracuda to swim by for a turtle snack and complete the circle of life.

[02:53] I know we send the original movie for the same thing, but if this movie is allowed to reuse shots, I'm allowed to resend them for it. The sea is suddenly pulling back, like this is an infamous sign that a tsunami is coming. When I feel like an eight-year-old who grew up on a little island in the Pacific

[03:06] should have been taught better water safety awareness. Just branding this movie as live action when 80% of any shot is clearly CGI green screen should entitle us all to some kind of reform. Wild sea turtles do not, in fact, care for their young who are actually left to fend for themselves from the moment they hatch.

[03:22] I will not stand for the continued Disney-fication of science. Moana not running away from this deformity of nature proving that she has zero self-preservation instincts. Also, let's just copy-paste almost every shot from the original, turn down the color saturation and vibrant creative expression,

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[04:43] Happy gaming! Mama is just like us. She also does not get wet from the CGI water effects that are clearly not even in the same room as her. Also, this dancing with the spirit of the sea whimsies on for all the fun time.

[04:55] Signs your chief's nepo-banny may not be a leader of the people, she actively avoids people, preferring the company of a half-baked water sim. Parents, this is how your kids wind up falling in with demigods who repeatedly try to kill them before forcing them to face a fire demon alone.

[05:09] Giving gifts to little girls because you want to shape them into your ideal person. I'm not saying the ocean is grooming the water, but the evidence sure is. It ain't so welcome. Dangerous. You said the reef was dangerous. She was nowhere near the reef. Now you're just moving the water polo goalpost.

[05:22] There's nothing beyond the reef. The storm's in the sea. The scene does not include a string of that's not what your mother told me jokes. Instead of sending the movie for making me pay to hear a song I already paid to hear in 2016, which I would absolutely be justified in doing,

[05:34] I'll instead bring you up to speed on a little legal hilarity. Through trademark claims, most of Europe presents this character, movie, and song as Bayana. Now, which trademark do you think out-trademarked Disney in Europe? A Romanian ice cream?

[05:46] A Spanish line of perfumes? An Italian porn actress who passed away in 1994? Or a spicy Albanian cola? Helicopter parents and a pre-helicopter history? The chief sings that the coconut is all they need, and that's terrible diet advice.

[05:58] That way lies scurvy and heart disease for your entire tribe. No, I will not be googling whether or not chickens fart through their clothing because my search history is weird enough. They do. Also, Hey Hey survives this instead of becoming the first ever chicken nugget.

[06:11] The production chose to pay someone to spend a day animating this splash rather than just asking the actress to stick her hand in a bucket of actual water. I understand the need to animate the sentient water, but if they're using CGI for simple splash effects, no wonder the budget ran up to $250 million.

[06:25] $250 million? For a film you already made, Worms? Also, have you ever walked barefoot on volcanic rock? Believe me, you'll only do it once. Moana is recast for age accuracy, and yet Maui will not be recast for talent accuracy.

[06:37] How am I going to go out there? Moana's not allowed to even step foot on a canoe growing up, but will easily be able to steal a more complicated version later. Walk with me. Moana's dad's tone suggests a casual stroll, not let's hike an entire f***ing mountain.

[06:51] Moana, while confined to this island, somehow never discovered this sacred stack of stones. Also, she asks no follow-up questions about why there are so few stones in the stack that represent her allegedly 1,000-year-old tribe. Either the stack is regularly being knocked over by a stiff breeze on this open bluff or there a much darker story in this island past that a Widow Bay horror spinoff could and should explore And on that day when you had your star who raised this whole island higher

[07:16] Beautiful sentiment, but this stack isn't the highest point on this island, or even this mountain, so Chief Toohey is making no new mountain out of this molehill. Also, unless there's a convenient staircase on the backside of this mountain, getting to the top requires trudging up this slope here,

[07:30] then following the note bridge all the way that this was a stupid idea summit. Not to mention the law and her father bringing no provisions for this hell no hike. This whole village and the canoes they used were made with traditional coconut lacquers. That respect to beautiful historic craftsmanship

[07:43] would be impressive if they weren't being absolutely wasted on an obvious soundstage in Georgia. Growing up with this bird specifically and expecting this to work. The filmmakers decided to give us a more irritatingly indesiclike

[07:55] hell-hairy of the uncanny valley, but none of the voice acting of Alan Tudyk. The only reason this character deserved an Oscar the first time around. Also, Pua the pig's realistic design makes Rubber Chicken Factory Reject Hey Hey look even more out of place in this film.

[08:07] Also, also, we've been nailing human-pig relations since 1995, and you expect me to believe it was impossible to get a real pig to play Pua? That will not do, pig. That will not do. Alright, let's get this stone thing a try, Pua.

[08:19] Pua asked us to root for a princess so out of touch she can't even stack rocks without practice. So, time-alarners, wait, this stacking rocks was more important to her than arriving at your let's-not-starve-to-death planning session on time. Yes, what is rule? Really? I think about theft, murder, or constitutional abuses of power? Just three things?

[08:35] I was in danger, Al. Tweet! Says the man, insisting they'd be better off starting to dance. Please send them back to the water. He was a water person, Zach, not just water. He took a clue. Why did Chief Tooey wait for a thunderstorm to try long-distance sailing for the first time?

[08:51] In the animated version, the storm didn't begin until they'd already taken the boat out, which seems more like a cruel twist of fate. In this version, it makes him look like a cruel, reckless dumbass. Also, parental scare tactic stories are why I never tried LSD in college.

[09:03] So why did Tooey never attempt to scare Moana straight? Between this and the oddly secret stone stack, I'm beginning to wonder if Tooey has ever talked to Moana before today. A courteous recap song less than 20 minutes into the film. A predictive kindness to anyone whose eyes have already glazed over.

[09:17] I was going to send Moana for not checking herself for ticks after walking through this tall grass, but then I learned ticks aren't native to Ponding, and were only introduced in the 19th and 20th centuries. So I'm sitting in the asshole responsible for introducing tics to these otherwise paradisical islands.

[09:30] 20 cents? Everyone cool with 20 cents? Attempted premature chief's celebration. If all this movie was filmed on Oahu, could they not find any breathtaking mountain summits on Oahu? Why a fake mountain? We all love this song, but bringing it into live action comes with a consequence.

[09:43] You see, Catherine Magalia is just over 5 feet tall, which would put the line where the sky meets the sea, or horizon in less poetic terms, at just over 2.7 miles away at sea level. So yes, I do know how far it goes.

[09:56] saying this while subjecting the audience to a green screen boat ride faker looking than the report cards i used to show my parents a lot of best friends at ocean could presumably help her at any point here but chooses not to i don't have to tell him anything disney making

[10:14] the bold claim that kids are never too young to learn about withholding mothers that's a lot of manner raising these waters that we keep here in our devoid of fish they've walked so long that and it's now suddenly night again. Is there just no such thing as a casual stroll on Mutunui?

[10:26] Is this Mountain Gate, Tala? Tala notices her granddaughter's rock stacking efforts, while Moana does not notice that this hike is killing her grandmother. It's Count Goonie's Cave of Wonders. Also, those are some remarkably well-preserved 1,000-year-old sails.

[10:42] In this dusty cave of ancient dusty boats, Moana somehow decided that this spot, and only this spot, needs to be cleared. Also, someone put some effort into getting these boats correct. in the animated film that this pointless remake merely copied with all the degradation of quality that word implies.

[10:57] The 1,000-year-old rope somehow does not snap, which would have given us a hilarious and new-to-this-film press ball. Yes, I am desperate for anything new to happen in this movie. Luana knowing that this drum is mysterious and important and playing it like a drum,

[11:10] even though this movie has given the audience zero context to understand this is a drum in the first place, not even one similar drum in all those musical sequences we've been subjected to so far. A lot of fans did come to show she wants to go out to sea

[11:23] Because actually attempting to go out to sea Apparently wasn't clear enough to whomever this concerns With its impactful instrumentals Striking visuals And multilingual vocal performances That masterfully resonate with sociocultural significance

[11:35] I would argue that we know the way it competes with the circle of life As the most rousing song ever to appear in a Disney movie But the whole thing doesn't even break two and a half minutes Why aren't the extra eight minutes of run time spent on this? Define evil?

[11:58] What I'm hearing is the righteous rage of a woman's scorn This sounds like victim blaming Juana continues to at no point show any concern over her grandmother's rapidly declining health The dialogue is cliche

[12:12] The dialogue says stuck to the original Also declaring that the story has just begun at the 30-minute mark sure is a choice. Tala knows the history of their people, where their ancient fleet of boats is kept, and has been holding on to the movie's MacGuffin since Moana was a child.

[12:25] Yet somehow Tala is not the hero of the story. The ocean chose you. Which is weird, considering it could have chosen you, the one with all the relevant knowledge. Cool, loud, and clear.

[12:46] But how did you get all that from the glowy pebble, Grandma? And why should I risk my life without some corroborating evidence or a peer review of your findings? I know how we can fix this. We can find Maui. I have the heart. If we follow the stars, the hook, there's canoes.

[13:00] Except they can get in the way of coherent sentences. Note it. Convertly, you'll note the coherency of my sentences reflecting my lack of excitement. This is the first one that Grandma's taken to that place. This adaptation only made about three changes, and one of them is that Chief Chewy doesn't threaten to burn the 1,000-year-old boats

[13:15] that may be the only means of feeding a hundred people, meaning this live-action adaptation doesn't know how to dad-zill him properly. Yes, we've seen that scene from 2016, and now we're seeing the lack of that scene. Welcome to the channel. We serve boat snacks by the pool on Thursdays.

[13:30] Disrespecting a woman's heart. Oh no! Grandma's come down with elderly mentor fridging syndrome. You'll make me sign them out. You grab them by the ear, and you say...

[13:42] My name is Omega Monsire. I killed my father. It's a fact to die. Okay, it's not Ray lining up the Sith dagger with the landscape levels of plot nonsense, but it's in an adjoining neighborhood and will be taxed appropriately.

[13:56] And with that, a new record for most convenient sense of dramatic death timing is set. main character in an adventure film finally embraces the call to adventure a full one third of the way through the film a $250 million budget apparently was

[14:08] somehow not enough to ensure a clean lens for this simple pickup shot canonically stupidest inhabitant of Motunui somehow finds his way into a closed compartment in a secret cave a hard hike away and happens to stow away on exactly the boat Moana needs

[14:23] Screaming, smothering, screaming, smothering, stolen hilarity excitement? Boat survives this. Moana seems pretty panicked at the idea that the locket might have flown open during the storm and ensuing crash,

[14:37] meaning a janky-ass locket might not be the best place to keep the one-of-a-kind stone of prophecy. I said help me. And then? Wrecking my boat? Not helping. Asking for help, receiving that help,

[14:50] which also involves saving your life, by the way, then complaining about having received that help. Also, in what world does perfectly intact, carefully set on a beach with a little bit of sand on it count as wrecked? Also, also, she's about to discover

[15:02] that she got door-to-door service to the very island she was looking for, but she never apologizes to the ocean, and the ocean never once drops a castaway lost or presides on a matter of revenge on her ungrateful ass. 15! All 10!

[15:14] Thanks, Amy. I will not be counting up those tallies, but even if each represents a year, there is no way to add up to the 1,000 Maui has allegedly been trapped here. This bodysuit looks fake enough to be distracting, but not quite fake enough to make me believe

[15:26] this is an accurate representation of Maui. Also, yes, I see the wig. I'm choosing to ignore the wig, because maybe if we just ignore the wig, it will go away. The sharks have given me a boat! And a tiny little human.

[15:38] Well, hello, tiny human. Not too sure why they thought I needed you. We could take back the little human! Since the original movie release, Manning have called stealing Tafeedi's heart a non-consensual act of carnal aggression.

[15:50] Assuming that any girl who appears on his island is a gift to honor his masculinity is not helping Maui escape these allegations. I'm gonna eat whatever's on there. That chicken we're depending on audiences loving? What if we have one of the lead characters they're also supposed to love repeatedly threatened to kill and consume him?

[16:05] His name is Yum-Yum when he goes in my tum-tum. tum-tum. What's that? In my belly. What's that new up drumstick? It's chicken. Definitionally, this rooster cannot both be a he and chicken at the same time.

[16:21] You're welcome, Ben. Women too. Hilarious, but you gave away this entire exchange in the trailer. The trailer is so terrible we had to invent an English villain to narrate the sense. This trailer also wants you to know that Moana 2026 will be fixing anything remotely

[16:35] problematic for Moana 2016. Even the stuff that wasn't even remotely problematic and was actually a joke that Moana 2016 knew it was making in the first damn place. This is on you, Moana. British narrator exists because of you.

[16:47] He wants one too. Portaglass. Tons that are, by definition, awful. I was trying to get that heart as a gift for you mortals. How does spewing a heart that was already intended for everyone help the creations it already sustained?

[17:00] Also, over 1,000 years is a trollish amount of time for the ocean to wait before demanding a free return. This is how we learn that Disney can animate the rock better than the rock can animate the rock. Film chooses to draw attention to the most mocked aspect of the film, repeatedly.

[17:23] Screenscreen effects that make you long for the high art of the 2004 Spongebob movie. I buried a duck, rather than Tina, you got coconut. As the comment section of our 2016 video made clear, someone named Tina buried the eel.

[17:37] So Molly is taking credit for a woman's work. The song that most makes me miss literal cartoon Molly, who could jump around the screen and do cool things. A middle-aged man in a rubber suit swaying offbeat as a teenager with a fake smile plastered on her face humors him isn't hitting the same spot.

[17:52] It's not so much that Moana managed to pull this stunt off, it's more that the stunt was there to be pulled off in the first place. Everything had to line up perfectly and be movable in the first place for this to work. Using movie magic instead of making the rock learn actual rope tricks.

[18:06] Wow! You are dumb. Ruining a gag by responding with an insult. Who in the cinema sins do you think you are, Maui? Maui is seen here trying to leave a young woman for dead.

[18:19] Is Ocean the best character in this version? Sadly, I can't remove any sins related to CGI water. Not every film can be James Cameron's avatar, but every film is forced to live in James Cameron's avatar's world to blame James Cameron's avatar.

[18:32] Afraid? No, no, no. Afraid? No. In both versions of the movie, Maui isn't afraid of the heart until the script needs him to be. And then his fear is forgotten the moment they decide to stop stalling the plot. Come on. You know a film suffers from a lack of those problems when the only characters that can muster any fear are a tribe of chittering coconut Ewoks.

[18:49] This entire sequence that largely gets a free pass in animation, but gets an unintentional rubber Neo-shaped sin when dared to be attempted in live action. Wow, this looks so much better in live action. I mean CG animation.

[19:02] It's hardly worth spending the GP of a small country to recreate this scene in f*** your quality. That is an unforgivable way to peel and eat a banana. Your other hand is completely free!

[19:14] It's true, I do have fear for him. Yes, I've already seen this line and this wig, but I have not yet seen this misclassification. This is Freary type 2B wavy hair. And we will not stand for your full curl delusions, Maui.

[19:26] Maui forcing the Wanda to experience his own childhood trauma of being thrown into the sea is not what people mean by paying it forward. You can get rid of me. Yes. You can beat me, sailing. This isn't sailing, princess.

[19:38] It's called wayfinding. Which I'm sure involves no amount of sailing technique at all. So when does the plane arrive, Maui? I'm not a princess. This is one of the coolest things about Moana, which is probably why Disney couldn't help itself but ruin it.

[19:50] If you wear a skirt, and if you have a little animal sidekick, you're a princess, princess. By this definition, David Tennant is also a Disney princess, and wanting a thing to be true does not make it so. Also, pants-wearing Princess Jasmine and the large-ass tiger she rode in on

[20:03] have entered the chat. Crazy. Lodart, too much butt cheek. Adult writers who think the only way to get kids to laugh is butt stuff. Relentless butt stuff. In all the kids' boobies. Yet never do they comment on the irony that butt jokes are only funny because butts are usually considered taboo.

[20:19] Children laugh because you teach them butt shaming. Teach young audiences irony, not butt shaming. Not that one. The other one. Male self-proclaimed expert character teaches female character to do the things she was doing just fine before meeting in cliché.

[20:31] This is really a film where each friend competes to see which can look the most fake. If you start singing now, I'm going to throw up everywhere. Now he makes an unexpected play to join the musical sins team.

[20:43] Man who claims to have no magic without his fish hook displays magic boom-boom abilities. Also, where's the haka from the original? That's the kind of magic this movie needs. A death trap politely waits for Moana to finally make a move before snapping shut.

[20:56] Defying physics, Moana falls at least four times as fast as Maui. And the G-forces at this near-terminal velocity somehow did not turn her into a not-Disney-princess-shaped Jackson Pollock painting. He watching this movie somehow makes it into the movie.

[21:09] I was planning on doing it all alone, but I'm not that lucky today. Maui forcing us to imagine his Maui-terbation. That can be useful if you'd let me. Thing I said when I discovered my college girlfriend Maui somehow makes it into the script It all sucks Out of context reviews that are somehow also correct This is actually how The Rock pieced out of every scene but they decided to include it anyway because they were struggling to find ways to make Maui

[21:32] more unlikable. The way this previously attached shell costume just nopes out of the scene after a slight claw jiggling. But I ate my grandma. This is how I learned that 42% of crabs are cannibals. And there are some facts

[21:44] one cannot unknow. Are you just trying to get me to talk about myself? Because if You are. I will gladly do so. Huh? In song form.

[21:56] Then I will gladly listen in skip form. Crap cake! I'm back. Announcing your triumphant win before you pick up your hook and finish winning. Yes, I'm holding it right. I know what I'm doing. You're getting far more mileage out of that Maui herbation joke than I ever expected.

[22:11] I see the order, Calamari. I hate how little I hated that pun. Unspoken biological zoom and enhance cliches. igniting fireworks inside of a cave without a single burst, eardrum, or statuses to show for it.

[22:23] Also, the lack of smoke inhalation-related deaths in this suggests that this cave must have some fantastic fictional hidden ventilation. There's only so far you can get on those shoes in the lake. That's bipedalist. Oh!

[22:36] Where is it? Where is it? B'wanna uses portal magic? Controller is apparently 50 feet tall, which is definitely teenage girl isn't making it up there high. This crab latched onto Heihei's toe ten minutes ago in universe time, which honestly is realistic.

[22:51] Never let a crab grab your d*** because it won't let go. I will not be explaining that one further. Maui! Maui! Why is Moana only slightly damp? We just saw her splash down. I'm now left to assume that Moana has invented wind energy hair dryers.

[23:05] Heihei brought one with him when he hid out on her boat, and she stopped to use it just now before she bothered to start looking for Maui. And that's a lot of assumptions to force me to make, movie. If you don't want to talk, that's fine. She says only after trying to force him to talk, ended up with her in the sea.

[23:20] Unlike Moana, Maui always respects her privacy. He just mocks her outward appearance without making an attempt to gain any deeper understanding of her psyche. You know, healthy, well-adjusted behavior like that. I wasn't born a demigod. I had human parents.

[23:32] Your parents are the people who raise you, not the people who throw you into the sea. So citation needed. I did them everything. Island, fire, coconut. Confusingly specific definitions of everything. He took the heart for us.

[23:45] Moana finally hears one of the first things Maui said to her. I was trying to get that heart as a gift for you mortals. Not so heavy, guys. Calling the person who owns the boat you're on the guest.

[23:57] Training montages that replace the months of work and study it takes to actually learn how to sail. For anyone who wondered what Chief Chewie was up to on Motunui while his daughter risked her life, the answer is nothing. But the reneg added this new scene just to make sure that was clear.

[24:09] Maui assuming that the entity who defeated him a millennia ago is still hanging around in the exact same spot waiting for a chance to kick his ass again and Maui being right about this assumption You didn't do this, you're Maui

[24:21] Worst pep talk ever At the beginning of the movie, wild shaped Maui could just tuck this stone into his mystery pockets but now the plot has sewn those pockets shut because it's time to be showy, glowy and dramatic-y choosing to fly straight toward the lava spewing demon

[24:35] instead of diverting to anywhere else on what must be hundreds of miles of beach around the island. Bring the fish hook to a fire god of sight. Don't go! Don't go! Moody tries to elicit feelings Moody has not earned.

[24:47] Moana makes Ocean complicit in her reversion to a first act refusing to call the adventure a trope. Then you backpedal on character development so hard that even your mystic mentor changes their mind. Also, Pasiti is right there.

[24:59] Yet Ocean refuses to just finish the job itself. between that and killing Moana's dad's cousin and starting to believe Ocean may not actually be a good guy. Hey, Dad, if you're ready to go home, I will be with you.

[25:11] Tala and Ocean are both shockingly supportive of Moana giving up after spending at least a decade pushing her to reach this moment. Musical pep talks are great for irritating you into action, which is famously the only way to make them stop. One more recap of the movie so far for those of us who zoned out.

[25:26] Moana is an excellent deep-sea freediver for someone who never left her lagoon. Moana journeys hours from her spot next to Te Fiti to a new spot still next to Te Fiti.

[25:46] Lapshading your exposition to a chicken will not save you from this sin. No. Heihei learns how to rooster, but will continue to be called a chicken anyway. Moana refuses to learn from the failure of her first five attempts to just run at the problem straight on and hope the lava lady won't follow.

[26:05] Moana, last seen steering slightly to her left to look back at the explosion, has somehow slipped her boat 180 degrees between cups, the space in the opposite direction. Why is Ocean f***ing with this edit?

[26:17] The only way Maui could have timed this rescue this perfectly is if he was just waiting on screen like an asshole for the perfect moment to swoop in as a hero. How does a girl who never wears shoes or socks get footwear tan lines? Why is the stone Moana has been holding in her hand in this area for multiple scenes

[26:31] now suddenly shining hard enough for Te Fiti to see it? Let her come to me. If fire Te Fiti can't cross water, how did she get separated from her island in the first place? We will never know, until they explore the Te Fiti origin story in Moana 5.

[26:43] Also, Moses on her? Chicken legs! Inexplicably and against the viewer's will! This moment somehow does not end with Te Fiti taking the heart of Maui to return the favor and start the cycle anew. Now that's a sequel I would watch.

[26:55] You should come visit. Inviting a 50-something demigod for a hometown date to meet your parents as if they don't have enough reasons to worry about you. After Wayfinder Moana now apparently travels at exactly the same speed as the graffiti Chia Pet Island Magic.

[27:08] Ooh, unexpectedly survives the island salmon. Okay, okay. Next time you can come. Moody threatens a live-action remake of the Moana sequel from two years ago. Raise our whole island higher and take every one of our people.

[27:22] or at least a small section of the extras who fit on this smaller set, leaving us with the message that individuality is selfish because no future chief is ever going to find a rock that can balance on this spiky shell. Also, I'm choosing to believe this is Moana's way of telling her parents

[27:36] that she never plans to have children and that future films will follow Moana's quest for immortality so that she can rule Mokunui forever with an iron fist because that's what happens when someone with no friends is told their whole life that they're a princess who is going to inherit the island

[27:49] and his children by the ocean to be the best friend of an ancient deady duck. Moana flies through the air like an angel and connected to physics. Or the scene she's supposed to be in. Handering fan service credit song brings together the voices of both the 2016 and 2026 Moanos

[28:02] with the music of Lin-Manuel Miranda. That's triple fan service by my count. Letting the audience sit there stupidly only to find out there's no credit scene. Justice for Tomahawk. I'm so shiny.

[28:14] Didn't help me though, did it? Also, did I mention this movie exists? You think you're so great because you have both!