Satirical Take on $30 Theft Case — Full Breakdown & Transcript

[00:03] trying to start a statewide panic, but this is a matter of life or death. So, shut your blinds, lock your doors, and hold your family very tight. Squeeze them as if it's the last time you may ever see them alive. Sleep with one eye

[00:17] open. There's a maniac on the loose. And right now, Albany, Georgia Police Department is all hands on deck trying to locate them. So, I need to put this on your radar in order to keep you safe. A few days ago, they made this public

[00:31] post after failing to locate this demon. And they even say that even just his crawls through your computer screen and steals $30 straight from your wallet. He is reportedly an elderly gentleman and a

[00:45] suspect in a very serious investigation at the Albany, Georgia Police Department. It occurred at a Walmart where an individual dropped $30 on the ground while shopping and this heartless monster swooped in. and moments later

[00:59] picked up the money, pocketed it, and didn't turn it into the Walmart employees. So now they're doing a public blast hoping that some good Samaritans, maybe even Batman out there, will chime in, chirp up, and reveal who this evil

[01:14] villain is so he can be brought to justice for taking that $30 a little finder keepers. And so far, it's been radio silence. No one recognizes the man of mystery here, John Doe. But I have to imagine this wasn't his first rodeo, his

[01:31] imagine this wasn't his first rodeo, his first bout of crime. Taking $30 that he found on the floor. Soulless. I unthinkable. Heinous. Evil. Makes me sick to my stomach. And no one has piped up here to say who it is. How

[01:49] deep does the rabbit hole go? How many people are afraid of this man and sworn into silence out of fear for their own life? Curious. Really makes you think. But don't worry. Even if no one reports who

[02:03] Department, I'm sure they'll just use flock cameras to find him. No doubt about that. That's what they're there for. Perpetual surveillance, baby. going to find $30 on the ground and big brother isn't going to know about it and

[02:17] track your ass down. So, I imagine it'll just be a matter of time before he's in cuffs for this. Justice is right around the corner. They'll get to it once they're done stalking their exes through the flock camera surveillance, as well

[02:29] as just incorrectly labeling innocent people as criminals based on false flags in the system. Once they're through with that, they'll get to the big potatoes like this old man who found $30 on the ground and picked it up. So, that's I

[02:44] mean, that's that's good. That it's something to celebrate. I'll drop this sarcasm for a moment. This is [ __ ] outrageous. They actually just blasted this man's photo publicly like he's a goddamn terrorist or something because

[02:56] he picked up $30 he found on the floor of a Walmart, which they are coming of a Walmart, which they are coming after him with the hammer as a theft case under Georgia code 1686. Keeping property you know or learn is lost or

[03:11] efforts to return it to the owner is considered the criminal offense of theft of lost or mislaid property. So there's no like finders keepers or anything like that. So basically if you see money on the ground avoid it at all cost. It's

[03:26] it like it's a dead body. You don't want to contaminate the crime scene, trouble cuz it's such a [ __ ] nuisance in that case to start making reasonable efforts to return it to the owner. Who knows how long it's been there? Could be

[03:40] dropped it could not even be there. Could be someone that just lies to come take it. You have no way of knowing. So now all of a sudden it becomes a tedious supposed to do? You sit there hooting and hollering. Uh my my fellow shoppers,

[03:55] there is $30 at my location. And if you are missing it, please approach me post haste. It's $30. Like if this was a whole wallet or something. That makes so

[04:07] much more sense. Or like an actual big sum of money. Someone just dropped like [ __ ] $1,000 on the floor for some reason. Like it's GTA and they just I don't know. I guess tripped and fell and then their loot spilled out. Like that

[04:19] would make sense. But this is just $30 that he found on the ground. Why are you making it such a huge deal? So, the expectation was he finds $30 on the floor and then [ __ ] sprints to the nearest Walmart employee, screaming and

[04:34] nearest Walmart employee, screaming and shouting, "HELP! I FOUND $30. OH MY GOD, IT'S NOT MINE. TAKE IT. WE HAVE TO FIND WHO THIS BELONGS TO ASAP." LIKE, they're speakers. Attention Walmart shoppers, emergency. We found $30. If you're

[04:47] missing $30, please report to the front ASAP. You know, [ __ ] red alert sirens blaring. But this guy, he didn't go through the proper protocol. Instead, he found that $30 and said, "Oh, okay." And

[05:00] then picked it up. The most normal [ __ ] ever. And now they've got his photo plastered here. And he's a suspect in their investigation over a $30 picked up

[05:12] from Walmart floor case that they're I guess diverting legitimate police resources to. That's [ __ ] pathetic. That's embarrassing. and they are getting clowned on for it as they should. This is despicable, man. What a

[05:28] bleak picture this paints where you could just be cruising along. You find a just pick it up and put it in your pocket. Something I think every person, every human being has done at some point. And now all of a sudden they'll

[05:43] Walmart and be like, "All right, we got to get this guy. We He just broke the law big time. All right, let's track him down. Let's also uh po publicly post

[05:55] see if anyone will turn him in. If not, well, we're going to have to get creative. They're going turbo mode on this guy. They said this geyser is going to get it. We're going to punish him for picking up that 30 clams. Like [ __ ]

[06:07] man. Actual dangerous criminals they won't even do this for sometimes. Like won't even do this for sometimes. Like when they app tragic happens. So, you'll always see like these reports where a victim is

[06:24] this dangerous stalker who's showing up at their house, threatening them, doing "Ah, nothing we can do. Good luck. I guess if he does it again, give us a hurts you, yeah, then we'll swoop in. Like, you don't see them posting their

[06:37] [ __ ] photo or asking for help and identifying them or bringing them to justice, but you you see an old guy pick up $30 on a Walmart floor and then all inside like, "Oh, we got to get him. post his photo, but I can't help but

[06:51] just blasting his photo out there, urging the community to try and like turn him in or snitch on him. If anyone does, they're a [ __ ] They need to be arrested for just being an irredeemable dweeb. Just this like loveless [ __ ] If

[07:06] you're going to turn in this guy because you recognize him and you are so distraught that he took $30 that he found on a Walmart floor. Like, I don't see who would ever do that. That's a waste of your time, too. It's not like

[07:20] they're offering a reward. It's not like you're going to get $30 if you turn him in. Like, you're not making the the community safer by having this guy like arrested over it. It's so [ __ ] stupid. It's an outrageous thing to even

[07:34] be doing so shamelessly here. Like, I would never consider that stealing. Him just happening to find $30 on the ground. And let's say, let's just play ball with this. Let's say he did do the proper pro procedure and go to the

[07:48] Walmart employees. How are they going to verify that that $30 is going to its try and scrub through the surveillance camera footage to see who dropped it and there's an extremely good chance that that person's not in the store anymore.

[08:03] And that's again another big use of resources here. It's just a waste of time. It's so [ __ ] silly. And it actually just gets downright insulting when you look at Albany, Georgia. So they have a population of roughly 70,000

[08:18] and it is a place that is riddled with crime. It has a crimegrade rating of Dminus according to crimegrade.org. And it is in the eth percentile for safety, meaning 92% of cities are safer. And then you have their goober ass

[08:33] police department here diverting resources that could be better spent on combating legitimate criminals in their community, which it seems they are struggling with. They have instead now been putting the crosshairs on an old

[08:45] guy who found $30 on the Walmart floor and didn't turn it into employees, turn it into the hall monitors. Get real. Holy [ __ ] Taking the plunge into the Albany, Georgia lore here, like diving into the crime statistics is

[09:00] of different sources and all of them agree it's not looking good. So, their agree it's not looking good. So, their total crime rate is about 14.7% higher than the national average. And their violent crime rate is 129% higher

[09:18] than the national average. Holy [ __ ] The only category that's lower than the like burglary and theft and stuff. That one's 9% lower. But like come on. Like look at how many how many serious crimes seem to be happening pretty often in

[09:34] Albany, Georgia. And you're going to make a public blast trying to locate an floor. That's where you're going to put some muscle behind. That's where you're you're going to try and recruit the community to turn that guy in. Oh my

[09:49] goodness, man. [ __ ] wild. Anyway, I had to just yap about this when I saw it a little bit ago. It's so weird, man. Anyway, that's really about it. tip.