7Brew-Do Craze: TikTok Squish Toy Hype — Full Breakdown & Transcript

[00:00] The future is everything they told us it would be and more. It's glorious. It feels good. We have so many tools and trinkets at our disposal to make life more exciting, more fun, easier.

[00:14] And check this out. Jeeves, pull up Two Girls, One Cup on the big screen. Nah, I'm kidding. There is no Jeeves. I did that one all natural. That was analog. Also, I imagine those notes right there immediately triggered all the memories in your head.

[00:30] It's one of the things that get burned in your brain when you first find it. The point is, I could have had an AI assistant pull that shit up. I could torture, you know, MetaDots with it.

[00:42] Put them on Two Girls, One Cup protocol in an endless loop in Ouroboros almost. But, you know, I did it the way our forefathers intended to watch Two Girls, One Cup. But the point I'm making is, even with all of this technology, even with unlimited information right at your fingertips, even with unstoppable free will, people still sometimes flock to the old ways and choose to spend hours upon hours of their days scalping for Squish Toys or spending hundreds upon hundreds of dollars on Squish Toy TikTok trends.

[01:16] And I've already made fun of Neato's more times than I can count. I'm not here just to regurgitate that. I'm here to insult and clown on the bootleg Neato that took TikTok by storm last month.

[01:29] I'm very sorry to the party on this, but I just found out about it. Seven Brudos. Have you heard of Seven Brudos before? I thought not. It's not a swish toy the Jedi would share with you. It comes from a company called Seven Brew Coffee.

[01:44] Never heard of them, but I'm also just not a coffee guy. And last month, for one day only, they were giving you a free 7-Brew-Do, which is just a bootleg Neato that's branded with 7-Brew on it.

[01:56] Basically, make two drink purchases, get yourself that sacred treasure, the 7-Brew-Do. And immediately tons of adults and pretty much exclusively adults from what I can tell flocked to 7 Coffee on Doomsday September 7th 2026 A day that will live in infamy

[02:16] With traffic backed up for over half a mile, countless cars, countless victims here of the Seven Brew hysteria, they all waited for their knockoff neato. Just so they could flex it on TikTok.

[02:30] It is endlessly fascinating how in the early 2000s, Squish toys, you couldn't give them away. Nobody wanted them. You'd occasionally find them next to like sticky hands at the arcade for a low amount of tickets, but it was just shit

[02:44] no one wanted. It's just landfill fodder. It's just actual trash core. And now, thanks to the power of TikTok marketing, these brands that have had this inventory burning a hole in their pocket

[02:59] for who knows how many years now, has found a way to repackage it in a way to get you to endlessly consume it. Feast upon it. They got you eating out of the palm of their hands. They're able to finally move this product in a big way

[03:11] thanks to convincing you through TikTok. So now 7Brew hopped on the train, and it was very, very successful for them. So on Maple Road in Amherst was a traffic nightmare this morning with a line stretching all the way to Sheridan Drive.

[03:26] You might have seen this. The coffee shop was offering a free brew-do, seven brews version of the popular neato shuffle. Customers who bought two medium or large drinks got one for free.

[03:39] And clearly, you see it right there, people really wanted one with some driving quite the distance for it. Every single grown-ass adult that set aside hours to wait in line to claim their brew-do, some even allegedly just calling out of work in order to wait in these lines,

[03:54] From what I've seen, of course, take that with a grain of salt, that could be a lie, but what is true is there were individuals waiting hours in their car to get this Bruto. We got here about like 7 o'clock, and the line was already way back to Sheridan with the cars,

[04:09] and then we saw people waiting in line along the street here, so we decided to park at Wegmans and walk over and wait in the walk line It was worth it I very excited Super excited Filled with jubilation for all of 15 seconds for the TikTok video for squishing it and then it just go into the trash can

[04:28] or bury it at the bottom of some basket somewhere in a closet. That's good stuff. You do love to see that. Worth it. No doubt. And honestly, I have no doubt that every other Happy 7 Brew customer here

[04:40] that's got their brain set to mindless consume is feeling the same way. The hours spent in this line is worth it. Now, of course, there is a dark side to the 7Brudo.

[04:52] And a surprise to no one, it is a highly scalped product. So people weren't getting it for their own enjoyment or their own TikTok clout. They were getting it to try and sell it to others. So if you missed the 7Brudo drop,

[05:06] if you're one of those pussies that wasn't able to call off work and get there in time, get there lickety-split to get it, Well, luckily scalpers got you covered for only a moderate markup, up to $150 in some cases.

[05:19] Now, prices vary. It's pretty fluctuating. Some are $30, some are in the hundreds. But one thing's for sure. Scalpers still find a way to be even more pathetic than you thought possible. It is actually mind-boggling that these people exist.

[05:33] They walk amongst us, and they wear our human flesh, yet beneath it they are nothing but cockroaches. it's such an interesting phenomenon they're real

[05:45] they're actually out there they went and spent hours waiting in line at 7 Brews in order to scalp fucking neato knockoffs and they just go about their day

[05:57] like ordinary people isn't that wild? isn't that just fucking shocking? so like yeah I think it's really embarrassing to just be so stuck in like mindless consume by you know

[06:09] any means necessary become hell or high water, must consume because TikTok said so. While I think that's a pretty pathetic mindset to be in, somehow scalpers find a way to be ten times as pathetic, because they go into a different level of delusion, and it's just...

[06:25] I don't know, man. Scalpers like I feel have gotten so much worse in the modern day compared to what they used to be when I was growing up but maybe now I just see them more often because of so many ways for them to try and peddle their dog shit

[06:37] It's just, I don't know how you live like that. The shame should be overwhelming. Like, I don't know. That's a different breed. Now, if you're wondering if there's anything special about them, the answer is no.

[06:50] It is literally a Neato just with Seven Brew branding on it. And this is the videos that everyone made, so they spent hours waiting just to make these, like, 15-second videos of them squishing it. So you can see all of them waiting in line, and then all of them immediately after getting them just bragging about securing the seven Brudos and squeezing them once or twice.

[07:08] And that's it. And then it's going right in their trash can when they get home after they soak up a couple of views on TikTok because they survived the Brudo line and got their hands and secured the Brudo bag.

[07:23] Fuck. It's so, oh my god, man. And it's only going to continue. Like, this isn't stopping anytime soon. Just look at what a one-day event here for a company I've never even heard of was able to accomplish here.

[07:36] Maybe Seven Brews, huge. Again, I'm not a coffee guy, so I guess it's possible. But I feel like if they really were, you know, colossal, I would have heard their name before in passing. So, if a company of this size can do this, wait until the big boys start to catch on.

[07:52] holy shit imagine stanley does a stanleo right there will be no survivors there will be mangled corpses in the streets as tiktok moms are clawing each other's eyes out to get their hands on the

[08:06] stanley knockoff neato but it's going to be pandemonium it's only a matter of time before companies start to catch on to this thing not necessarily like squish toys in particular but like that brand like the the dumpling one the mystery dumplings and shit like that

[08:20] when more companies start adopting this, because I'm confident they will, it's just going to get even worse. So get ready, sports fans. It's about to pop off, I feel.

[08:33] But yeah, this shit sucks. Wanted to yap about it, clown on it. If you were someone that waited in line for this, you should be embarrassed. You really should. Anyway, that's about it. See ya.