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[01:08] in the largely planeless world of 1933, but in 2026, someone needs to call them out as the light-polluting aviation hazard they truly are. Also, Disney, the name facing backwards where no one

[01:20] have your tuna sniped. Also, being the kind of [ __ ] who takes up the entire this might be one of the most concise This is not Theodore Roosevelt. Writing a very specific reminder about an

[01:33] across two days. This picture doesn't contain a braille translation on its frame. Movie plays a song that says, "Check out those shoes" over video over will be included in the recipe today. In fact, the entirety of Rip Her to Shreds

[01:46] by Blondie is so on the nose that I believe the youth of today would call it manifest maxing. At least they would if they knew what Blondie was, or or still see her type "hat you", which is gibberish. And I hat you it.

[01:59] >> All index correlated with next year's estimated quarterly included. >> [crying] >> cliche lately and then it's just all up in the air.

[02:12] deliberate reference to Up in the Air starring George Clooney makes me wonder movie too many times. Discuss. >> Don't know who did the heavy lifting. Your name is right on top.

[02:24] to the meeting. What she should have done is printed her name on every single page. That way they can still give her none of the credit, but they'll have had to work harder to do it. Stop giving the patriarchy these easy wins, Linda.

[02:37] >> Here is the company review I prepared. >> Biff of Wall Street here is passing this annual report off as his own as if it's easily bluffable fourth grade math. This is actually a full year of accounting and he's only had the walk from his desk

[02:49] weird that Rachel McAdams is clearly the star but we haven't even seen her yet. that kind of looks like a Rachel McAdams but like pretty stereotypical Princess Diarying or She's All Thatting. This photo is so obviously not Rachel McAdams

[03:03] at the Grand Canyon that I can actually see some glue stick residue. Strawberry counter like it thinks it's an English egg. Leaving your birds uncaged in the splodges. >> He's good looking and he's single and

[03:19] you how flirty he was with me at the Christmas party. >> Failing the Bechdel test with an ungendered bird is frankly impressive. plastic bags in the hopes that what would really tie your lunch bag together

[03:32] Also, living a life where you might mistake Miracle Whip splodges for bird splodges. Liking survival books so much that you buy multiple copies of them so locations, you know, for the lols and context clues.

[03:46] Okay. >> This suggests she's watching the show live but summoning the title card with a single press of a button suggests bull. >> Who will have what it takes to outwit, OUTPLAY, AND OUTLAST all the rest? This

[04:00] >> If Keisha gets voted out for me, I swear to god. >> Insinuating this flaming Survivor season logo comes before the opening theme instead of at the end. Also insinuating that Jeff Probst says this over the

[04:12] in the cold open of the premiere. Also also insinuating that anyone would be watching season 47 in October of 2026. Also, now that's how you play an also. Insinuating that that was the theme song from season 47 when it was clearly the

[04:26] theme song from season 1. And finally also, the also has spoken. Insinuating >> I'd like to present to you your new president, Bradley Preston. >> Having Dennis Haysbert introduce the

[04:39] president instead of play at President one nail-biting real-time hour at a one nail-biting real-time hour at a time. >> But I am so excited about this opportunity to help you execute your

[04:52] strategic vision and >> I too am distracted by the tuna salad on continuity guys who nailed that Survivor reference couldn't seem to keep it in the same place or consistency. >> And they can carry any load you throw

[05:06] at you. A war key perps. >> Yes. >> This game of smell my finger goes on for all of some time. Also, I had no idea this movie was going to be 3D until I

[05:18] some glasses. I initially grumbled, but then reassured myself that we were past works in Final Destination movies. This anecdote ends with me being escorted off while being forced to watch Dennis Haysbert sniff a piece of tuna fish in

[05:33] intended. >> Yes. >> I'm in a meeting. >> Not closing your office door when you're planning meeting. >> Nope, open door policy.

[05:45] >> Oh, that's why the door was open. I'll just take that sin back because clearly >> Damn it, Movie. >> You know we have the Bangkok merger >> What a coincidence. My college ex-girlfriend also said she had a

[05:58] >> Company policy just Lunch, it's for the break room. >> Having the dick boss you're trying to leadership by offering a completely warranted and appropriate warning.

[06:13] >> THE NEXT SURVIVOR >> SEEING THIS AMAZING AUDITION TAPE and casting Key Shawn instead. >> You can make fire three different ways, and I know all three of them. >> I cannot fathom a variation of this that

[06:25] could possibly be true. Search for fire making on YouTube and you'll find 97 channels that say some variation of here are the best 14 videos covering the 29 believe how crazy number 27 is.

[06:38] leverage. >> What do you say, Jeff? Am I survivor material? Give me a little hint.

[06:51] this video, but it certainly seems like he was listening. the rabbit hole of male entitlement goes, but this is an insane thing to ask

[07:03] You may as well have said bake me a cake. How [ __ ] fragile are this man's teeth? It is so typical of a woman to fork her way to the top. It's satire. I'm being satirical. How [ __ ] fragile are this plane's windows?

[07:17] buckled into the seat up front? Flinda and Bradley both stayed secured. Why on the exterior of the plane during the crash? Cuz I didn't see her, and I have crash? Cuz I didn't see her, and I have a habit of seeing things I didn't see.

[07:33] >> Yes. >> Yeah. >> Oh, [ __ ] Is she going to kill him immediately? Good for you. Stick it to the man. Let's go. Oh, she's cutting

[07:45] down plants. Shame. I think it's important to point out during this not the show you should reference for learning survival skills. That would afraid, but got to go with what people know, I guess. Also, Linda isn't having

[07:59] any parts blurred or being given a constantly updated PSR rating in this scene. What do you use an entire book of knots if you just use the most basic of First thing I'd do after that storm is

[08:11] Linda for some reason has waited until half the water in them has evaporated. >> Others? Are there any others? desert island for less than a minute and he's already making Lost references.

[08:24] >> How long you've been out? for a day and a half. >> But, you look much better now. >> Leg injuries that impair your ability to swallow liquid given to you a full

[08:37] >> [screaming] >> Jesus, the woman's been out here less Cast Away references. Movie skips over the part of how Linda caught this fish exactly. One insert shot of a basket trap movie. That's all I need. But,

[08:49] >> Well, actually people call it conch, but it's conk. anyone around has even knitted them. >> I can do this all day. >> She didn't leave me any water! >> [screaming]

[09:04] >> No, but she left you with a beautiful view of this Bruce Almighty moon. build things. It's satire, people. I'M BEING SATIRICAL.

[09:16] >> FOUND TRACKS. THINK IT WAS A BOAR. >> BOAR? Isn't that like a dangerous pig? >> No, a boar is a movie that spends too much time in metaphorical and thematic conversations that emphasize one-note

[09:28] spear and already. >> Linda from accounting? >> Whatever. >> Linda would be excellent at check off's job titling since this centipede has 42 legs at most.

[09:43] Quantraginta duopeds. >> Where did you go, piggy? attack an animal. Amazing. But in what world does she come up with this plan, perfectly place the bait, and climb this tree in the 5

[09:56] seconds since we saw her running away? Movie clearly audited classes from the edge school of using an animal's own body weight against things. Wasting can't eat. You're not in a predator movie, Linda.

[10:09] I think I like it. >> My lust for Sam Raimi's lust for blood lust. This meat is way too close to the fire. You want to get that wood nice and goodness gradually for a few hours. All you're getting from that open flame is

[10:22] char and food poisoning. >> You literally brought it home. The bacon. >> [laughter] >> LAUGHING ABOUT TERRIBLE pig puns this hard with food in your mouth. The

[10:35] internet has been very slow at canceling this island for forcing a makeover on nerdy Linda. >> Anyway, you know what the most important thing is for human survival? The number one thing.

[10:49] Wait. >> Linda, no disrespect, but this is the >> Forgetting Ohio exists. >> Where are you going? own camp. >> Jesus, the guy's been out here less than

[11:02] a week and he's already referencing a billion movies that have done the my >> Then I'll tell you where TO SEND MY LAST CHECK. >> FOR such a survivor fan, you sure did miss an obvious opportunity to use the

[11:16] phrase tree mail. The weather forecast being cloudy with a chance of humorous >> Missing the opportunity to name this movie send Hepple because your marketing team are all cowards. Sam Raimi tortures the audience by making them want a

[11:29] character do something disgusting for much longer than necessary cliche. I found it. >> Bradley believes this. Also, the for twists when you're going to make them this obvious, movies.

[11:42] >> And I trust you. >> Questions that do not need to be asked. >> Is the surprise that you're willingly directing him toward the house you found nothing over there? Cuz that seems like a surprise you might have kept to

[11:55] >> Hey, this spot's tough. >> She said a pointless risk that makes no sense to traverse even when you have two good legs, strangely. At the same time, I'd be questioning why God didn't just put an escalator to the top of this

[12:07] >> But if you really want to know if it's poisonous or not, cliff's edge. >> there's a reaction >> Also, considering some of the most toxic berries will not cause a skin reaction,

[12:20] let's go with giving your false foraging advice on a narrow cliff's edge. >> I'm confused. Is the movie saying women need a man's help to get to the top or >> I was married. >> Skip. That was a total stranger.

[12:35] thing about him. >> Waiting an hour to do any character a tiny bit of backstory that really doesn't have any impact on the story yes, I was begging for some nuance in these characters earlier, but it's too

[12:48] late birthday the day after. If you were a real friend, you would have texted yesterday, Kevin. >> At least now we know >> It is. Reasons aren't excuses, and direct actions have only one owner.

[13:01] >> I think I can buy it. But what I have more trouble believing is the movie run time trying to make us care about two characters that it will quickly make been the perfect time to steal the knife, and yet no knife is stolen until

[13:15] >> EXPERT SURVIVALIST forgets the foundational rule of not building your reasons. >> All right. >> Scene does not include William Hurt and Kathleen Turner showing up to show these

[13:28] knife. >> And this movie would be a lot better if sexes bedlam it was doing there for a while. We all have our burdens to bear, >> My goodness. Look at >> For starters, we have a mango salsa

[13:42] picked. And for the main course, we have a beautiful white fish, a smoked [music] garnish. >> Where and when and how and why and where and when and how the [ __ ] did he learn to make all this?

[13:56] to make all this? >> You okay? >> Poisoning the hand that feeds you. No, you can't poison hands. Um poisoning the

[14:11] makes it sound like she feeds him like a mama bird. Uh poisoning the hand that walk. There it is. Nailed it. Choosing night time for your obvious return to evil murder/escape plan. You could have made her poison breakfast, Bradley.

[14:29] >> In theory, you should never overestimate how far a privileged male's ego can carry him, but it is insane that he thought this raft, a thing his life will didn't make it past two waves before coming apart, and this should have been

[14:42] very clear as he was dragging its sketchy ass down the beach. This is the end. He fully deserves this, no question. But vomiting into his mouth is save his [ __ ] life. Save his life, then vomit on his face. Has she even

[14:55] >> Feeling kind of funny, huh? Can't move? That's the neurotoxins from this blue-ringed octopus. indeed cause muscle paralysis right before certain death. And with no

[15:09] antidote, no. In fact, a single octopus contains enough venom to kill 26 adults better get moving with that fake castration plan, okay? >> [ __ ] the neurotoxins. If she caught them a week ago, she's going to kill them

[15:23] I got to say. >> He did not. >> The toxins from the Heptal Lana Luna Lata >> Because they will kill you and 25 other people.

[15:35] >> I mean, that is technically correct. The effects will eventually wear off and no longer be an issue for his dead body. >> Now, now, don't be a baby. You're not >> Movie forgets to just go ahead and cast my college girlfriend to save us time.

[15:49] >> Thinking it's better to kill a small rat than castrate a bigger one. >> Do you get it? That's a thing that [ __ ] men say to women. But now she is you get it? >> LINDA!

[16:03] >> [music] >> THE TIMING OF ZURI turning up exactly extremely fortunate. Well, not for Zuri because this movie only has room for one >> Even when they called off the search in this area, I never gave up.

[16:18] area and they missed Do you two camping on the beach? Who did the official where they tried to count how many were in their group, but each of them only >> So, is it just the two of you?

[16:32] decides to murder two completely innocent witnesses so she can continue to hold on to power as the movie moves us more and more close to its central theme of evil [ __ ] win, so be the evil [ __ ]

[16:44] >> I bet you can't wait to return to your life, your job, your family, your >> Zuri continuing to list all the things Linda doesn't have back home like some kind of patron saint of putting one's foot IN ONE'S MOUTH.

[17:03] we're supposed to consider that maybe she didn't murder them, but um uh what else are we supposed to think went down? Showing us this shot of Zuri digging immediately to a shot of pure unspoiled

[17:16] continuity spoil your fake dream sequence, movie. I I bet when Sam Raimi sequence, movie. I I bet when Sam Raimi farts, he farts jump scare zombies. farts, he farts jump scare zombies. >> [screaming]

[17:29] boar getting away is absolutely the best case scenario for him. >> That's the most hilarious and unrealistic way for a body to wash up. I don't know whether it's a salute or sin. Though, consider this sin a salute.

[17:41] murder? She's buried up to the wrist. why would she do it so close to the shore and with her arms standing at episode of Survivor covered that nonsense. Not having the gonads to pull

[17:53] the movie right now. >> Where you been? >> Movie refuses to explore this metaphysical conundrum of an answer any >> I don't think we're supposed to believe she killed her husband, but the movie

[18:07] think she's the kind of person who might have. So, are we supposed to be spending never comes up again? Where do you want my attention, movie? Biting the shoulder the jugular. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Also, nope. Furthermore, nope.

[18:21] nope. Also, nope. Furthermore, nope. Also, also, nope. Finally, nope that. And most importantly, no. Also, nope. The person escapes being choked out by reaching for a weapon that's just out of reach has been done now. Fully done. You

[18:33] can't be a satirical epic of societal commentary and play the hits because I shot running through the forest that he didn't want to cliche. Also, I know the find the vacation home Linda has been hiding. As far as he knows, he's running

[18:48] into the poison vines, not a finale. >> There's a frozen massaman curry in there >> Subtlety. >> You looking for a knife? spoons shows a distinct lack of respect for the Alan Rickman school of spoon

[19:01] based avenging things. >> So, tell me, Bradley, how does a knife just wash up on shore? >> Linda would be excellent at things earlier since this bottle of water leaves me with some questions. Either

[19:14] she left this here in the CCTV room for unknown reasons or she managed to get so get in here and grab herself a beverage security. Guy didn't even notice.

[19:28] get about the billionaire who didn't have a security team that monitored them. Also, what good is a security system that can be turned off by the person invading the home? I get that she peeped the door code, but I assume that

[19:41] assume it dismantled the entire internal security system. None of these security but what's weirder is that they're both labeled game room three even though they chances of her being close enough to see the code while not being discovered by

[19:56] the staff somewhere in the neighborhood of a crash landing in the ocean and billionaire's vacation home. >> It's not like I planned it. >> Breaking the fourth wall to try and convince the audience of something I'm

[20:09] not sure the movie really wants us to be convinced of or not. >> [sighs] >> Really? I have. >> Bradley thinking this boy who cried wolf routine is actually going to work for

[20:23] cried after being unable to make his own shelter, poison her to escape on his poorly built raft, and then gouged her eye out in the forest. Not breaking the audience of something I'm not sure the movie really wants us to be convinced of

[20:37] >> I felt love from you in a way that I've never >> I think that is most likely the truth, but it should also not be taken as a >> Sorry I stabbed you.

[20:49] of blood at the time, you didn't bleed out despite the constant activity and complete lack of medical attention. >> Are you crazy from accounting? >> Strategy and planning. >> I think the kids would say bazinga in

[21:03] game over for Bradley. His shotgun now has an equal amount of bullets as the be smashed around the face with. >> Linda, it's been almost a year since the >> Interviewers who go back to addressing the camera mid-interview because they

[21:17] interview. >> When you were found alone at sea on a raft, the only survivor of a terrible plane crash, how did you do it? up that billionaire's house so there was no damage or DNA left around. No? Also,

[21:31] covered in newspapers, social media, late-night interviews, morning interviews, a book, a movie, a book adapted from the movie, and most likely limited series. >> Because I want people to [music] know

[21:48] >> And monsters aren't born, they're created by a patriarchal system where the only solution is to murder them with a taste of their own medicine. So, yeah. enough bird talk to know that this guy will be freaking the out right now. This

[22:03] >> is frankly overkill. >> I had zero plans of with you, Linda, ever. I promise if we're on a desert island together, I'll preemptively chop my own balls off and sacrifice them to Venus. No further eye contact needed.

[22:24] >> Bradley, chuck your marker. Time for you to go.