I bought CURSED Tech from Temu

[00:00] - Welcome back to Temu, my friends,

[00:01] where we are going to be looking

[00:03] for some of the more

[00:07] Normally, I try to find

[00:11] A digital badge.

[00:13] It's a little badge

[00:15] to put apparently a bunch

[00:18] it's called an E-badge.

[00:19] I want a little bit of uwu on my shirt.

[00:25] What, is that weird?

[00:26] - Yes.

[00:27] That seems totally reasonable.

[00:29] "The U.S. Armed Forces Nuclear Biological

[00:31] and Chemical Survival

[00:37] What the (bleep) is this?

[00:39] A dual head eye wash station.

[00:42] Brother, uh, no, thank you.

[00:44] Oh my God, what the (bleep) what?

[00:46] It's a USB-C lighter that

[00:50] I don't think that that-

[00:52] - I don't think that that-

[00:53] - Okay, we'll go with it.

[00:55] Red light underpants? (laughs)

[00:58] Yeah, who needs magnetism

[01:02] directly on yours?

[01:04] is taking my junk a

[01:07] - [Alex] The real answer

[01:09] - No, we're not!

[01:10] - Yeah.

[01:11] With that, my friends, I think

[01:12] and probably a little bit

[01:15] to see exactly what crazy

[01:20] So my friends, we have got ourselves

[01:22] a bountiful harvest of stuff from Temu

[01:25] and whatever the hell's

[01:28] Why do you look like you are like

[01:31] a reject from Doc Brown's

[01:35] - Mr. Emmett Brown.

[01:36] - [Austin] Good, love the accent too.

[01:38] - Was a student of mine.

[01:41] - No, this is, my friends,

[01:42] a high quality bit of Temu attire.

[01:45] All right, time to change, my friends.

[01:48] Whoa!

[01:49] - Oh my God.

[01:51] I don't actually totally hate this.

[01:53] It's actually not as low

[01:57] - I'm not gonna lie, despite

[02:01] - Thanks.

[02:03] (Alex laughing)

[02:05] - But it looks comfy.

[02:06] - How much did I pay for my Temu fit?

[02:10] - [Alex] You paid $9.50.

[02:12] - Oh, $9?

[02:13] to look like a billionaire

[02:16] - Shout to the sponsor

[02:19] Soundcore is a leader in audio tech.

[02:21] Their Liberty line of earbuds

[02:22] has always been an easy recommendation,

[02:24] and they've just come up

[02:26] that is more advanced than ever.

[02:27] The Liberty 5 Pro and Liberty 5 Pro Max

[02:30] sound fantastic with tons

[02:32] Now, other companies claim to

[02:35] but the new Liberty 5 Pro and Pro Max

[02:37] are actual world record holders.

[02:39] It's not their IP55

[02:42] It's not their 100+ language translations.

[02:44] It is the noise canceling,

[02:47] Guinness has confirmed

[02:49] beat out 13 other industry-leading

[02:52] Just listen for yourself.

[02:53] So this is what the Liberty 5

[02:56] and this is what they sound like

[02:57] with some very loud ambient noise.

[02:59] And this is what it sounds like

[03:00] when you're listening on a

[03:04] That same tech powers features

[03:05] like the lag-free voice

[03:09] ANC mode.

[03:09] (bell dings)

[03:11] Stop music.

[03:12] (bell dings)

[03:14] Volume up. (laughs)

[03:16] But the biggest difference

[03:18] They added a convenient

[03:20] but they also add a ton of customization,

[03:22] like personalized wallpapers.

[03:24] No matter where you are, these

[03:26] and make crystal clear

[03:28] So if you wanna experience

[03:31] check out Soundcore in

[03:33] to try the Liberty 5 Pro

[03:36] Pay only if you love it.

[03:37] That's a pretty good deal if you ask me.

[03:39] Here's the thing, we gotta get serious

[03:41] about some tech over here,

[03:42] and I got just the solution.

[03:45] Behold, my friends, HTC headphones.

[03:48] Now, you might go, "HTC

[03:51] These are a little different.

[03:52] These are, I don't know what to call it,

[03:55] like open headphones would be,

[03:59] So we took a look at a product

[04:00] for Mystery Tech a while back.

[04:02] It was this Japanese pair of headphones

[04:05] that basically, they're

[04:07] that go like towards your ears,

[04:08] but they're actually fully open.

[04:10] If you take a close look

[04:12] these are actually not made by HTC.

[04:15] Instead, it is made by Shenzhen

[04:18] and they licensed the HTC logo.

[04:19] When I thought these

[04:22] I'm like, "Oh, they might be good."

[04:22] Now I'm thinking they're probably

[04:23] just some generic knockoff.

[04:25] They just license it.

[04:26] tell you that they're terrible.

[04:28] - You can?

[04:29] as that plastic's there, it's terrible.

[04:31] - That's, honestly, that's not wrong.

[04:33] Well, I will say, they

[04:36] So it's got this sort of

[04:38] which you can open and close it.

[04:40] - [Ken] Those look more

[04:41] - It's not bad.

[04:42] I mean, it's a little, oh,

[04:45] So essentially, it's like if you just made

[04:47] a normal pair of headphones

[04:48] but got rid of all the

[04:49] So like I can hear 100%

[04:53] what it's like to listen

[04:56] - [Ken] Oh, you can definitely hear that.

[04:57] - [Alex] Oh yeah, we can hear that

[04:58] all the way from here very clearly.

[05:00] - I'll say it's not as aggressive

[05:03] I've turned it.

[05:04] This is like a relatively elevated volume.

[05:07] - [Alex] Really?

[05:08] Okay, that's not bad.

[05:09] - Do you wanna be sad and listen

[05:10] to how bad these headphones are?

[05:12] That actually is like,

[05:15] - That is like listening to Daft Punk

[05:20] on a 1960s Ford F-150

[05:23] (Austin laughing)

[05:25] - Yeah.

[05:26] I'm not gonna lie, those are

[05:27] headphones I've ever heard.

[05:29] And that includes like

[05:31] To be fair to these headphones,

[05:32] you know, I don't really

[05:34] They're way cheaper.

[05:35] So the original's like 300 bucks.

[05:37] These HTCs were how much?

[05:40] - [Alex] $25.

[05:42] - That is $18 too expensive.

[05:45] Hey, if anyone from HTC is watching,

[05:48] cancel the license to whoever you let

[05:50] put your beautiful logo

[05:54] That is, $25 is outrageous.

[05:56] Like these sound bad.

[05:58] I think this is an item that

[06:01] Merely, I'm going to present to you,

[06:04] and Matt, I want you to try

[06:06] I think, you, dressed as you are.

[06:08] We'll figure it out.

[06:09] But it's the fact that

[06:13] is truly incredible to me.

[06:15] For the record, Matt doesn't

[06:18] We just asked him to put on the,

[06:21] you don't have a limp.

[06:22] Why are you walking with a limp? (laughs)

[06:27] (all laughing)

[06:29] - Okay, we got some sort of briefcase.

[06:32] - I'm so excited for this right now.

[06:37] (glass breaking)

[06:39] - Some sort of locking mechanism.

[06:41] - It's a fancy item 'cause you can tell

[06:42] it comes in a real actual case.

[06:44] Matthew, what are you

[06:46] - Case.

[06:47] - Well, what's inside the case?

[06:50] I'll take the paperwork.

[06:51] You don't need to look at the paperwork.

[06:53] - [Matt] Oh boy.

[06:55] - [Ken] Is that an umbilical cord?

[06:57] - You're really, really close.

[07:00] - The rumors are true.

[07:01] We bought a whole ass legitimate

[07:06] real ultrasound machine on Temu. (laughs)

[07:09] - [Ken] Oh my God.

[07:11] - Now, the recommended use of this

[07:14] is to check on the

[07:18] So if you got some sheep or

[07:24] - Who's herd breeding mooses?

[07:27] - You just aren't hardcore enough.

[07:28] Wait, Alex, did you get the lube?

[07:31] - [Alex] No, I thought you

[07:32] - Damn it, I hate when this happens.

[07:34] - [Alex] Oh, it's running.

[07:37] - Okay, here.

[07:39] - I can't see.

[07:40] Get up here, get up here.

[07:41] We're gonna do some tummy time.

[07:42] - [Alex] Can someone

[07:46] (crew laughing)

[07:47] You did that a little too easy.

[07:49] - Okay, we'll get that there.

[07:50] All right, here we go.

[07:52] - Aha, so cold.

[07:53] I don't think we're doing this right.

[07:55] - Wait, I found your belly button.

[07:56] - [Austin] Dude, there's nothing

[07:58] - There's something.

[07:59] - You are not a medical provisioned

[08:02] licensed board physician, are you?

[08:04] Will someone, can we get something

[08:06] resembling lubrication, please?

[08:09] (Matt hissing)

[08:10] - No! (laughs)

[08:12] What is that, what did you find in there?

[08:14] - Oh, come on.

[08:16] - Basically the same thing.

[08:18] (Austin laughing)

[08:19] - (laughs) No.

[08:20] - [Alex] Oh no, this is bad.

[08:21] - Oh, yo! (laughs)

[08:23] (Ken laughing)

[08:26] Okay, we got it.

[08:27] - There you go.

[08:28] - Oh my-

[08:29] - Okay.

[08:30] - What are you seeing in there?

[08:31] What are you seeing in there?

[08:33] (Austin laughing)

[08:35] - Is this why I'm dressed like this?

[08:37] - [Alex] (laughs) Yes.

[08:38] - [Adriana] I mean, you're a professional.

[08:40] - So can we all just establish the fact

[08:42] that this is probably

[08:45] and that dingus YouTubers like ourselves

[08:48] should not be able to buy these things?

[08:50] But if you did wanna buy one like we did,

[08:55] how much do we pay for our

[08:59] - [Alex] This is by far,

[09:01] this is probably one of our most expensive

[09:02] things we've ever gotten in Temu.

[09:04] We paid $714.

[09:11] The ultrasounds, they

[09:13] - [Ken] This thing looks like a LeapFrog.

[09:15] - [Alex] Kinda.

[09:15] - I wish that I had better news for you,

[09:18] but I'm sorry to say that this item

[09:19] is significantly more unhinged

[09:22] - [Ken] Wait, wait! (laughs)

[09:24] How is that possible?

[09:25] The other one as the most

[09:27] "Bye, take care."

[09:29] how is this more unhinged than-

[09:30] - Brother, brother, if

[09:34] I wish I was.

[09:35] This is the actually worst item

[09:39] This is-

[09:41] - Wait, what?

[09:43] Wait.

[09:46] massage pants.

[09:48] (speaking indistinctly)

[09:49] (all laughing)

[09:51] Points.

[09:51] - [Ken] What could you possibly be getting

[09:53] right now that's relevant?

[09:54] This is even more terrifying

[09:56] because Matt probably has like-

[09:58] - He's got something.

[09:59] you somehow.

[10:00] - "So how does it work?" you might ask.

[10:02] Great question.

[10:03] I've got the answer for

[10:05] Red light therapy is a 660

[10:08] to stimulate cellular

[10:10] providing therapeutic

[10:13] and overall health.

[10:14] Oh no, no, no, no, no, no.

[10:16] You get him outta here.

[10:18] - You get him outta here.

[10:20] I hate to say this,

[10:21] he looks like he needs

[10:23] (air hissing)

[10:25] - [Matt] I forgot that I gave

[10:29] - So it's got quite the

[10:34] Is this a diaper?

[10:35] - [Alex] It is.

[10:36] - Why is-

[10:38] - Look.

[10:40] I don't know about that, chief.

[10:41] - Hold on a second.

[10:43] Where does this go?

[10:45] - [Alex] You know exactly where it goes.

[10:46] - No, yeah.

[10:47] I will say it's doing you a lot of favors.

[10:50] - [Ken] Wait, wait,

[10:52] - Is everyone ready to experience this?

[10:54] 'Cause we're-

[10:57] - Experiencing it together, friends.

[10:58] - Oh, no.

[10:59] power it up first, so we've got power,

[11:01] we've got vibrate time and temperature.

[11:05] Jesus.

[11:07] - [Matt] Whoa!

[11:09] - [Alex] We can hear that from here.

[11:10] That's some pretty powerful

[11:11] vibration.

[11:12] That's a lot of vibration, brother.

[11:14] So let me show you what

[11:16] - [Matt] Oh my God, many times now.

[11:18] - Basically, what you've got

[11:20] which apparently punch through fabric.

[11:22] And maybe you're supposed

[11:24] - [Alex] Yeah, you are.

[11:25] - Yeah, 100%.

[11:26] 'Cause look at it, it's suede.

[11:27] It's supposed to be comfortable.

[11:28] - [Ken] Also, why isn't it RGB?

[11:30] - [Austin] So we've got two

[11:33] and then one right here, one right here.

[11:35] And then that's it.

[11:39] - I'm in a sharing mood.

[11:41] Does anyone wanna try it?

[11:42] - I'll do it.

[11:43] - [Austin] Hell, yeah, let's go, boy!

[11:45] - Holy (bleep).

[11:46] (both laughing)

[11:47] What the, I feel like I'm taking off.

[11:49] - It is, it's like you're

[11:52] It's probably the best

[11:53] So I hate to ask, how much

[12:00] - [Matt] In dollars or dignity?

[12:01] - Well, the dignity's been gone

[12:05] - [Alex] We paid $64,

[12:07] but you know what?

[12:09] That's a lot of money, what?

[12:11] - [Alex] How can you

[12:12] - Okay, so now that you

[12:16] do you think this is worth

[12:17] whatever the 60-something dollars we paid?

[12:19] - [Matt] I can't hear you

[12:21] - My left pec thinks it's a

[12:25] - [Alex] (laughs) What?

[12:26] - I don't know that...

[12:29] I feel like this video has been full

[12:30] of a bunch of nonsense and silly behavior.

[12:34] Why don't we get this thing

[12:36] This should be an actual

[12:40] that might just make your life better.

[12:42] - [Matt] The Gofo?

[12:44] - No, that's the name

[12:46] - Gofo!

[12:48] - Gofo, we try to deliver at 11:00 PM.

[12:50] Oh my God, why is he back there?

[12:53] So this is an external

[12:56] The thing is, this is a great controller,

[12:58] but I will say the number one

[13:01] is the battery life is dog doo-doo.

[13:03] So to get ready for what you can do

[13:05] is you take this guy and you literally

[13:07] just snap it on the back.

[13:09] 28%, and the controller's charging, yeah.

[13:12] Immediately, you can see

[13:15] It's supposed to give you an

[13:19] oh, an extra 10 hours of battery.

[13:22] It's an 1800 milliamp-hour battery,

[13:23] which I believe is actually

[13:25] inside the DualSense.

[13:26] How much did we pay for our DualSense

[13:28] Battery-O-Matic 9,000?

[13:30] - [Alex] We paid $13.

[13:32] - [Matt] $13, and you could use it

[13:33] as a battery bank for your phone.

[13:34] - I don't know that you should

[13:36] - [Matt] Just 'cause you shouldn't

[13:38] doesn't mean you couldn't.

[13:40] - Now that we got the

[13:42] let's get back to some nonsense, shall we?

[13:43] - [Alex] That was the

[13:45] - [Matt] That was the one palate cleanser.

[13:47] - [Alex] Yeah, that was

[13:49] - It was consumer advice,

[13:51] outta my system.

[13:52] - So this is-

[13:55] - [Matt] Nothing.

[13:57] Nothing, they're literally nothing.

[14:00] - Did our item fall out?

[14:01] 'Cause this is the way

[14:03] - Yeah.

[14:05] The keychain for your

[14:08] but not the actual thing.

[14:09] - It's almost like Denki

[14:13] and I may or may not have

[14:17] - [Austin] Can you get it?

[14:18] - I'll see if it's there.

[14:21] (Austin laughing)

[14:23] - Okay, is this really

[14:25] like falling apart?

[14:26] - Like, can we just point out the fact

[14:28] that this is supposed to be down here,

[14:29] and it just slides up and

[14:32] - [Ken] Yeah.

[14:33] - Well, thank you for

[14:35] Oh, it actually even tells you

[14:36] it's a portable cigarette lighter.

[14:38] They're not being subtle at all.

[14:40] I guess let's go outside

[14:44] when we use our phone to

[14:47] So what we're gonna do is we're

[14:50] So before plugging into the phone,

[14:51] I have procured myself some paper,

[14:54] which I will bestow upon you, my friend.

[14:56] - Are we gonna take some

[14:57] and put them in the paper?

[14:59] - No, no, no, no.

[15:00] We're not gonna roll anything.

[15:01] We're just gonna test it, okay?

[15:02] So this is gonna be pretty quick.

[15:04] Says it's only gonna

[15:05] Everybody ready?

[15:09] Oh, I see a little red.

[15:10] - Oh.

[15:12] No, no, get the edge, the edge, the edge.

[15:14] The corner.

[15:16] Like yeah.

[15:19] - Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait.

[15:20] It's actually lighting a little bit.

[15:21] - Now I want marshmallows.

[15:22] that's actually really burned.

[15:24] Like you've got that thing

[15:27] Well surprise surprise.

[15:29] Something from Temu was disappointing.

[15:32] - If you excuse me, I'm gonna go

[15:34] and red light therapy myself.

[15:37] - So here's the thing.

[15:38] We are continuing the same day.

[15:41] No one can tell the difference.

[15:42] That's why I have a haircut-

[15:43] everyday.

[15:45] different clothes on, but other than that-

[15:46] - There's a good chance we're

[15:49] - This one, this one's for Ken.

[15:51] - Oh.

[15:52] that you're going to absolutely

[15:55] or take to your next con.

[15:58] - [Ken] My next, oh, it's anime-related.

[16:00] - Bing bing E-badge.

[16:03] Oh, I've always wanted one of these.

[16:05] - [Austin] He likes it, okay, cool.

[16:06] - Wait, wait, no, no, no.

[16:07] I do have a use for this.

[16:09] It's not gonna be for,

[16:11] - So it's always a 50-50 of either

[16:14] this is something that's

[16:15] or he is gonna be like,

[16:17] - Explain what it is.

[16:19] - [Ken] And I'll be right back.

[16:19] - So this is a little badge.

[16:22] It's got a screen on it.

[16:23] So the idea is that you

[16:24] or something and wear it around.

[16:26] So it's designed, or at least the way

[16:28] they kinda advertised it is,

[16:30] you have like your

[16:31] or whatever the case is.

[16:32] - [Alex] I don't know what Ken brought

[16:35] has to do with this pin.

[16:36] - Is that a wheel?

[16:37] What are you bringing a wheel for?

[16:38] - I'm so confused.

[16:40] - Did you take the wheel

[16:42] - Yes.

[16:43] So I've actually been looking at these

[16:45] little screen pin things,

[16:48] to figure out what to put

[16:52] - So for reference, this is

[16:55] This is an actual wheel

[16:58] and took off his car

[17:00] - [Alex] Which means that if we take it,

[17:01] he can't drive home.

[17:04] I need to download the SuperBand app.

[17:08] Oh hello.

[17:12] - [Ken] It sounds like a 99-cent alarm.

[17:13] - [Matt] Oh my God.

[17:14] - I guess we just throw a photo at it.

[17:17] - [Austin] Take another photo of sad Matt.

[17:19] - Upload.

[17:20] - [Ken] Oop.

[17:21] - Yeah, we got it.

[17:23] That was so fast.

[17:24] - It's me, Matt's number one fan.

[17:27] - Wait, hold on, wait,

[17:28] - Right where my heart, where it belongs.

[17:30] - I think some people are

[17:33] Uwu!

[17:34] - Are you about to send that to my badge?

[17:36] - Mm-hmm.

[17:37] - [Ken] Here it comes.

[17:39] Uploading to the device.

[17:41] - Uwu!

[17:42] (all laughing)

[17:44] - Uwu!

[17:45] (laughter continues)

[17:47] - It works really well.

[17:49] - This actually, I will say,

[17:51] is actually like legitimately good.

[17:54] The screen is solid.

[17:54] The app at least worked

[17:57] How much was our E-badge, uwu edition?

[18:01] - [Alex] It was $14.

[18:02] - Actually, that's totally worth 14 bucks.

[18:05] It has been a long and stressful day.

[18:08] I, I don't know about

[18:11] with the stress of taking

[18:14] Are you kidding me?

[18:16] This is supposed to be my job?

[18:17] Ugh!

[18:18] Well, luckily, I have a solution.

[18:21] This is a shoulder and neck massager.

[18:26] - [Matt] I told you I'm

[18:28] - Well, you know, you say it.

[18:30] Wait until you see what

[18:31] This, we might have to censor this one.

[18:34] - [Ken] Wait, what, wait.

[18:35] Huh?

[18:36] Wait why?

[18:37] Whoa!

[18:38] (Austin laughing)

[18:42] - [Austin] It's like little hands.

[18:43] - [Matt] Why does it (bleep) hands?

[18:45] - Massage, I must!

[18:46] (all laughing)

[18:49] - You put it around your neck like this.

[18:51] - [Ken] This is amazing content.

[18:53] - It is one of the things.

[18:54] So I know where this goes.

[18:56] You have it upside down.

[18:58] - Yeah.

[18:59] have to be right here.

[19:01] - Sorry, what?

[19:03] I didn't know you were-

[19:05] - Oh.

[19:06] you were into that, Austin.

[19:07] That's crazy.

[19:08] - Okay, can someone turn me on?

[19:11] - [Alex] Well, whoa.

[19:12] - [Ken] Why are you bending for this?

[19:14] - Wait, no, no, no.

[19:15] I'm supposed to push it.

[19:17] - [Alex] Okay, just don't

[19:20] - Just think about Barry Manilow.

[19:21] (Matt speaking indistinctly)

[19:22] Think about Barry Manilow.

[19:25] Ah!

[19:26] Ahh!

[19:28] What?

[19:30] - It's not good to look at,

[19:32] but like honestly, it's pretty good.

[19:36] Who wants to try it?

[19:37] - [Matt] You ever wish you got massaged

[19:38] by a little turtle man?

[19:39] (all laughing)

[19:45] - Oh my God, what the (bleep)?

[19:47] Wait, that's a lot.

[19:49] Wait ooh.

[19:50] It looks like it's trying to escape now.

[19:52] (all laughing)

[19:59] - How much did we pay for this

[20:03] which is quite lovely?

[20:06] - [Alex] Well, we paid $18.

[20:08] - This is only 18 bucks?

[20:10] - Bro, I'm not exaggerating.

[20:11] We try a lot of these health

[20:13] Almost all of them are bad.

[20:15] This feels great.

[20:18] This item is one of the coolest things

[20:21] I've ever seen on Temu.

[20:22] Now, I was afraid almost

[20:26] showed up relatively quickly.

[20:28] This one took weeks to

[20:31] 'cause I was ready to see this in person.

[20:34] Now, there were some problems,

[20:37] which will become very apparent

[20:38] when you take a look at what this item is.

[20:40] Ooooh okay okay okay.

[20:44] Oh, it looks good!

[20:46] It looks good.

[20:47] This, my friends, is the

[20:51] - What the hell, man?

[20:53] - What?

[20:54] Dude, I'm not exaggerating.

[20:56] Look at this thing.

[20:57] It's got an actual like

[21:00] Obviously, the C4, not actually real C4,

[21:04] but as far as like looking

[21:06] In fact, I think, yep.

[21:10] Yo, let's go.

[21:11] Wait, hold on.

[21:14] - I should know this.

[21:14] I feel like I should know this.

[21:15] - It's 8008.

[21:17] 567-

[21:18] - 309?

[21:20] (device beeping)

[21:24] Wait, what do we do now?

[21:25] Should someone be defending right now?

[21:28] Should we run?

[21:30] Subscribe to the channel.

[21:31] Ring-a-ling the ding-a-ling button.

[21:33] Check out some other videos here,

[21:34] and stay tuned to see what

[21:39] (speaking indistinctly)

[21:40] - [Matt] I can't get outta the game now.

[21:41] Noo!

[21:42] Noo!

[21:45] (light music)

[21:48] (all laughing)

[21:50] - Does it just play the music?

[21:51] (light music)