Everything Wrong With Iron Lung In 27 Minutes Or Less

[00:10] The stars are gone.

[00:12] >> Trying to make a movie with no stars.

[00:13] Also, before you get started with your

[00:15] extensive knowledge of the game lore,

[00:17] this is cinema sense, not video game

[00:18] sense. Though based on my notes, I'm

[00:20] probably going to criticize both. Also,

[00:22] also jumping right into your movies

[00:23] without giving us at least a few seconds

[00:25] of opening logo foreplay. The opening

[00:27] logos are the most important part of

[00:28] easing into the movie experience. Sh a

[00:31] >> There were barely enough of us left to

[00:33] give the end a name? The quiet rapture.

[00:36] >> So, you're telling me humanity was

[00:38] staring down the barrel of extinction

[00:39] and landed on the name of an indie folk

[00:41] album? Also, naming something doesn't

[00:43] require a large population. In fact, the

[00:44] fewer survivors there are, the easier it

[00:46] should be to agree on a name. Also,

[00:48] also, humanity watched stars disappear

[00:50] across the cosmos and concluded the

[00:52] event was quiet, even though anyone who

[00:54] would have heard anything didn't

[00:55] survive. Maybe it made a weird fart

[00:56] noise. You don't know. Supplies dwindle,

[00:59] infrastructure crumbles.

[01:01] >> Sci-fi not knowing how to do any kind of

[01:03] future other than dystopia, despite

[01:05] millennia of evidence that on a large

[01:06] scale, things continue to get more

[01:08] prosperous over time, not worse. Also,

[01:10] who is this guy and why am I listening

[01:12] to his particularly pessimistic

[01:13] economics podcast?

[01:15] >> Too few to rebuild, too many to feed.

[01:17] >> This unexpected indictment of

[01:19] construction workers and how much they

[01:20] eat for lunch.

[01:21] >> Humanity decays, but don't despair, my

[01:24] sons. having a long list of desparing

[01:27] remarks followed by an instruction not

[01:28] to despair. This is just like that time

[01:30] my sports ball coach told me how only an

[01:33] infant decimal percentage of players

[01:34] make a living off of the sport and then

[01:36] thought that would encourage me to try

[01:38] harder instead of actually encouraging

[01:39] me to [ __ ] off to AV club and work on my

[01:41] 40-year-old virgin suicides mashup.

[01:43] >> The consolidation. They hide their

[01:46] technology, their people. They won't

[01:49] tell you what they found, but I will,

[01:52] >> said like a man not about to immediately

[01:54] [ __ ] off, presumably to AV Club after

[01:56] answering about 1% of my questions.

[01:58] >> An ocean of blood.

[02:00] >> Elizabeth Holmes letting her fanfiction

[02:02] get out of hand for a second time

[02:03] somehow makes it into the script. Also,

[02:05] horror has a long tradition of somebody

[02:07] thinking of an upsetting image first,

[02:09] worrying about the social implications

[02:11] of the thought, and only then figuring

[02:12] out how to call it art. At some point,

[02:14] someone said, "What if there was an

[02:15] ocean of blood?" And thank God instead

[02:17] of working out the astronomical math on

[02:19] the real thing, they worked out a budget

[02:21] in a screenplay. And since the nerds

[02:23] would have preferred game script, I'll

[02:24] add a separate sin for them. The classic

[02:26] storytelling technique of rubbing your

[02:28] thing until the audience notices it.

[02:30] >> Beginning the descent.

[02:31] >> Suggesting another movie to start while

[02:32] waiting for this movie to get beyond its

[02:35] porn and actually do something. It's

[02:36] been 2 minutes already. I'm tired. Simon

[02:38] having his hood on inside the sub like

[02:40] any mystery man with chilly ears who

[02:42] needs to remain mysterious and cozy, but

[02:44] mostly mysterious. I'm seeing some

[02:45] voltage irregularities on the

[02:47] instrument, so keep an eye out for

[02:48] sparks or flames.

[02:49] >> No, not the voltage irregularities. Is

[02:51] there no god?

[02:52] >> Flames? Why would there be flames?

[02:54] >> Because of the voltage irregularities,

[02:56] dumbass. Pay attention.

[02:57] >> You did test this thing, right?

[02:58] >> This is the test.

[02:59] >> Taking your operating procedural cues

[03:01] from Ocean Gate.

[03:02] >> Hey, Captain. Uh, the hole starting to

[03:04] feel it. That glass.

[03:05] >> All right. Closing port hole shielding.

[03:07] >> This port hole exists despite providing

[03:09] almost no visibility once the vehicle is

[03:11] submerged in blood. But the story will

[03:13] eventually need a structural weakness to

[03:14] exploit. So outstanding work, window,

[03:16] >> all we have are surface scans. That's

[03:18] why you're there. Well, one of the

[03:21] reasons.

[03:21] >> We get a casual reveal that there's

[03:23] another reason he's on this mission,

[03:24] which should immediately become the most

[03:25] important part of the conversation.

[03:27] Instead, both of them decide they've

[03:28] learned enough for today.

[03:29] >> Uh, hey, you said not to go into the

[03:31] red. WE'RE IN THE RED.

[03:33] >> DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?

[03:35] >> YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS. You can't be

[03:36] serious. You can't be serious.

[03:38] >> Excitement. entire planets disappear and

[03:40] somehow the distribution statement

[03:41] survives. Bureaucracy remains Earth's

[03:43] most resilient life form.

[03:45] He's now reading the Hem Rover manual,

[03:47] which literally translates to Blood

[03:49] Rover. And I swear if this is just a

[03:51] gritty reboot of Inner Space, I'm going

[03:52] to be actually that sounds awesome. I

[03:54] guess now if it isn't a gritty reboot of

[03:56] Inner Space, I'm going to be pissed.

[03:57] Video game Have Big Button. Movie Have

[03:59] Big Button. Me understand adaptation but

[04:01] not Fire. Also, in terms of titling, I

[04:04] like big buttons and I cannot lie, I

[04:06] would have been far more sprung

[04:07] >> camera. That's useful.

[04:09] >> Simon is discovering the submersible's

[04:10] basic features in real time, which

[04:12] suggests nobody thought it was worth

[04:13] training the operator before launching a

[04:15] supposedly critical mission. An

[04:16] interesting philosophy for an

[04:18] organization that will keep insisting

[04:19] failure isn't an option. Also, this

[04:21] entire opening plays so much like the

[04:23] video game cutscene into gameplay that I

[04:25] went and grabbed my PlayStation

[04:26] controller out of habit. And now I'm

[04:27] just frustrated that I can't make this

[04:29] dude wander around aimlessly looking at

[04:30] the walls for hidden clues and YouTube

[04:32] celebrity face texture mapping cheat

[04:34] codes.

[04:34] >> Okay, one down, five to go. Photographic

[04:38] fetch quests feel much more tedious in

[04:40] live action than they even do in the

[04:41] video games they come from.

[04:42] >> Oxygen

[04:43] >> ticking clock has disguised itself as

[04:44] life support cliche. The way this blood

[04:47] sub sweats is way too reminiscent of my

[04:49] older brother's saliva when he used to

[04:50] pin me down and hang it over my face as

[04:52] torture. What can I say? The world was a

[04:53] very strange place before the internet,

[04:55] guys. Okay, I think I may already be

[04:57] tired of being in this sub. And we're

[04:58] not even 10 minutes into the movie.

[04:59] Movie prematurely assumes I would have

[05:01] sinned this scene simply for its weird

[05:03] ass tubes, demonstrating a complete

[05:05] ignorance of the evolution of cinema

[05:06] sins.

[05:07] >> You're not just pretending you can't

[05:08] hear me, right?

[05:08] >> Sorry, I was just dozing off. It's been

[05:10] 2 minutes since you've said anything and

[05:12] I put my controller down because it

[05:13] wasn't working. I'll try to stay engaged

[05:15] and pay more attention to the genius

[05:16] atmosphere work from now on. I promise.

[05:18] >> Why is it so hot down there?

[05:20] >> My balls. Every July, every time a dude

[05:22] looks at something gross in a movie for

[05:24] over 10 seconds before then frantically

[05:25] removing it, I think of that time in the

[05:27] XFiles where Moulder had goo drip on him

[05:29] and turned to Scully and said, "What's

[05:30] the fastest way I can get this off me

[05:32] without betraying my cool exterior?" And

[05:34] I smile as if there's some sort of

[05:35] cinematic delay on the human instinct to

[05:37] wipe stuff off our hands immediately.

[05:39] Ah, good times. Anyway, are we still in

[05:41] a tiny sub with a monosotic protagonist

[05:43] who speaks a word or two every 3 minutes

[05:45] while going around taking blurry photos

[05:47] of things while the sub drips? Cool.

[05:48] Carry on then. This terrible cord hose

[05:50] maintenance on what is otherwise clearly

[05:52] a very well-ared for and maintained

[05:54] plasma mobile. The camera remains

[05:56] stationary while Simon gets thrown

[05:57] around the sub, which accidentally

[05:59] transforms a fight with an alien outside

[06:01] the sub into a fight with a ghost inside

[06:03] the sub.

[06:05] Or Markiplier clearly went to the Star

[06:07] Trek acting school of flying around the

[06:09] room as the camera slightly shakes

[06:10] things.

[06:11] >> Did you fall?

[06:13] >> Uh, did I? I don't know.

[06:15] >> Laying on the ground and not being sure

[06:17] if you fell or not. She didn't ask why

[06:18] you fell. She asked if you fell. You

[06:20] did.

[06:21] >> You didn't TELL ME THAT THERE WOULD BE

[06:22] ANYTHING DOWN HERE.

[06:23] >> ASSUMING THAT YOU WERE BEING SENT ON A

[06:24] MISSION to discover things that weren't

[06:26] down there.

[06:27] >> Um um it seems fine.

[06:29] >> It does not. Also, seems fine being my

[06:32] initial reaction to the movie and

[06:33] somehow making it into the script.

[06:34] >> The bottom isn't exactly rock,

[06:36] >> but I thought you just said you were

[06:37] deciding if you should send him back

[06:39] down. My semantic alarms are firing on

[06:41] all cylinders about how this would work

[06:42] if he's already on the bottom of the

[06:44] sangu seat. Convict, are you absolutely

[06:47] sure that it was a skeleton?

[06:49] >> Asking the person who isn't currently

[06:50] looking at the picture for clarity about

[06:52] the picture you are currently looking

[06:53] at.

[06:53] >> How stupid do you think I am?

[06:55] >> Very.

[06:55] >> We're pulling you up. Stand by.

[06:57] >> And they will pull them up and they will

[06:58] show us all of it in real time from

[06:59] inside the sub. Riveting. Using a fabric

[07:02] glove to wipe the port hole window

[07:03] instead of a blood squeegee. What? You

[07:05] don't have any blood squeegees? Quick,

[07:06] there's a void in the market space.

[07:08] Contact private equity. The captain has

[07:10] a large facial scar, which tells me

[07:11] she's experienced, much like a resume.

[07:13] If resumes were applied directly to the

[07:15] face,

[07:15] >> you just warn the next person that goes

[07:17] down what I found. There's something

[07:18] alive down there.

[07:19] >> My advice to my college ex-girlfriend

[07:20] after she dumped me somehow makes it

[07:22] into the script.

[07:23] >> I want to be sure he doesn't need more

[07:24] air before he goes back down.

[07:27] >> I'll worry about that.

[07:28] >> But captain, the issue is that the

[07:29] script has you not being worried about

[07:31] it. And for the sake of the mission, I'm

[07:32] worried that it doesn't make any sense.

[07:35] >> Every space civilization eventually

[07:37] develops a council, but somehow never a

[07:38] board of odor evaluation. Just seems odd

[07:40] to me.

[07:41] >> We're going to put this on the sub.

[07:43] right up front

[07:43] >> being in a time crunch and still holding

[07:45] the thing you are going to put on the

[07:46] sub when you've had plenty of time to

[07:48] start installing it already. And yes, I

[07:50] know you mentioned something about Jack

[07:51] needing to get there to do the welding,

[07:52] but I'm still not sure why this wasn't

[07:54] just installed as part of the ship in

[07:55] the first place if you had it ready to

[07:57] go.

[07:57] >> All you got to do is point it in the

[07:58] right direction. Once it makes contact,

[08:00] it should be able to grab onto something

[08:02] and hold on tight.

[08:03] >> Nature documentary narration about cat

[08:05] penises managed to interrupt the film.

[08:07] >> You can't be serious.

[08:08] >> Thinking making you can't be serious

[08:09] your catchphrase is A GOOD IDEA? WHY

[08:11] DON'T YOU JUST DO IT YOURSELF?

[08:13] >> THIS IS THE BEST we have, and it's a lot

[08:15] more than you deserve.

[08:16] >> Will we ever find out the heinous things

[08:18] this man did to be sent down as an

[08:19] indentured globonaut? And more

[08:21] importantly, do we care?

[08:22] >> I DIDN'T REALIZE THIS WAS VOLUNTARY.

[08:24] >> TECHNICALLY, YOU DID VOLUNTEER. THE

[08:25] mission may have been coercive, but the

[08:27] paperwork appears to be in order.

[08:28] >> Black us with radiation, you psychoan.

[08:31] >> What?

[08:32] >> It's not a normal camera. You can't see

[08:34] through blood, so you need x-rays to get

[08:37] through. installing a radioactive X-ray

[08:39] camera with a giant rectangular button

[08:41] on the wall with no surface disabling

[08:43] safety measures. Sure, he meant to push

[08:44] it, but that could have happened just as

[08:45] easily if he stepped on a discarded

[08:47] banana peel. Also, this entire radiation

[08:49] incident exists because the movie

[08:50] suddenly remembered it should explain

[08:52] how the camera works.

[08:53] >> But maybe if you would TALK TO ME, THIS

[08:54] WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED.

[08:55] >> TALKING IS GOOD, but protocols are

[08:57] better. Movie expects me to believe OSHA

[08:58] didn't survive the quiet rapture. And I

[09:00] did not believe you. Movie

[09:01] >> drop him.

[09:02] >> And they do drop him. And it's yet

[09:04] another example of style dictating the

[09:05] script more than the motivations of

[09:07] people actually trying to survive. Also,

[09:08] no, that's not how immediate freef fall

[09:10] works. Both the sub and its contents

[09:12] would fall at a similar enough rate that

[09:14] there would be little to no

[09:15] anti-gravitational effect that quickly

[09:17] unless he jumped right as they dropped

[09:19] him, or unless they used a propulsive

[09:20] force in launching the sub back down to

[09:22] the water, which seems about as wasteful

[09:24] as not acting on that blood squeegee tip

[09:26] I gave you earlier.

[09:27] >> Convict, this is serious. Close the

[09:29] shield. This company sure does like to

[09:31] leave the important stuff in the hands

[09:32] of their convict slave labor, don't

[09:34] they?

[09:34] >> Why can't you do it? It's not

[09:36] responding.

[09:36] >> Oh, look who woke up and is trying to be

[09:38] excellent at thwarting cinema sins.

[09:40] Sucks for you that it's still sinful

[09:41] that you didn't try to make sure this

[09:43] was done before you launched him again.

[09:44] >> That shouldn't have happened at all. The

[09:46] the camera's wired into the black box,

[09:47] but I I must have wired it into the back

[09:50] of

[09:51] >> Okay, now I feel like we're in an actual

[09:52] conversation. You know, you can focus on

[09:54] the movie instead of replying to my

[09:55] sins, right? Besides, the explanations

[09:57] are never satisfactory and forever

[09:58] convenient anyway. I'm a master at

[10:00] sussing out overexlaining excuses. Have

[10:02] you met my college ex-girlfriend?

[10:03] >> Things are somehow faster when I don't

[10:05] know what I'm doing.

[10:06] >> Virgins say if I were in charge, you

[10:08] would know more. I'd actually get us

[10:09] some results, but I'm not. I'm just a

[10:11] cogen machine.

[10:12] >> Humanity is apparently one bad week away

[10:14] from extinction. Yet still committed to

[10:16] withholding useful information because

[10:17] the org chart says so. Remarkable faith

[10:19] and process.

[10:20] >> Still fooly by Eden's [ __ ] All

[10:23] their dog about the last tree.

[10:26] >> It's not about the tree. The movie

[10:27] introduces a mysterious religion

[10:29] centered around the last tree and

[10:30] immediately informs me the tree isn't

[10:32] the important part. Could it be about

[10:33] the tree for like 5 minutes so I could

[10:35] understand the world?

[10:36] >> That usually something we can agree on.

[10:38] >> The comment section for our Madam Web

[10:40] video.

[10:41] >> Can you at least tell me if this thing

[10:42] is blasting me with Ricky?

[10:43] >> No, the hole is thick enough.

[10:45] >> Thus begins horror's favorite game of is

[10:47] the spooky presence actually there?

[10:49] >> Could be alive down there right now.

[10:51] Food. Air. We need this. Humanity is

[10:53] desperately searching for biological

[10:55] resources while floating in an ocean of

[10:56] biological resources. Feels like we

[10:58] should have been privy to at least one

[11:00] meeting about the blood.

[11:03] Releasing radiation into the universe

[11:05] just to light the corner of your sub

[11:06] asylum. Simon finds a pendant from a

[11:09] previous pilot, which gives the movie

[11:10] another character to think about because

[11:12] one guy and a chair is still one guy in

[11:14] a chair levels of exciting. Also, it's

[11:16] so dark. I must assume this is a

[11:17] mosquito trapped in amber from Jurassic

[11:19] Park.

[11:21] Releasing radiation into the universe

[11:23] just to read a three-word note when the

[11:24] glow of the giant camera button probably

[11:26] would have done the trick. Doing what a

[11:28] random piece of paper tells you to do,

[11:29] despite the well-known warnings of Dr.

[11:31] Egon Spangler. I love how the presence

[11:33] of this miniame puzzle and the computer

[11:35] firing up for you is enough to

[11:36] completely erase the trauma of the fact

[11:38] that a few seconds ago you saw a

[11:39] freaking subhost.

[11:40] >> This is not an expedition, it's an

[11:43] execution. So far, it's doing a terrible

[11:45] job of both.

[11:46] >> And even if you do, and even if they

[11:48] keep their promises, what freedom waits

[11:51] for you? A few dying ships in a sea of

[11:55] dead stars.

[11:56] >> Being a deep space Debbie Downer. Also,

[11:59] Simon finds a computer with a message

[12:00] recorded on it. And instead of

[12:01] immediately and intently exploring the

[12:03] computer for more clues, he just

[12:04] casually listens to the message like

[12:06] he's taking in an audiobook on a summer

[12:08] drive. Who's

[12:08] >> right here? Being surprised that

[12:10] something in a fluidly dynamic situation

[12:11] has moved positions since you saw it 20

[12:13] minutes ago and or not thinking that it

[12:15] could have been alive and swam away

[12:16] based on your new knowledge that your

[12:18] pictures are X-rays.

[12:19] >> Where'd you go?

[12:20] >> Talking to the blood flood skeletons you

[12:22] took a picture of a while back. Even

[12:23] though even if they were there, they

[12:25] couldn't hear you because you're

[12:26] whispering from the other side of solid

[12:27] material. A redacted fire suppression

[12:29] procedure is diabolical. The movie keeps

[12:32] referring to this submarine as a rover,

[12:33] which is creating a mystery that I don't

[12:35] think was supposed to be a mystery. I'm

[12:36] not sure that water moving slowly down

[12:38] rusted metal is as creepy as this movie

[12:40] thinks it is. I see that kind of happen

[12:41] on my bumper every time it rains.

[12:44] >> Well, this is going to sound made up.

[12:45] >> This whole movie does indeed sound made

[12:47] up.

[12:48] >> No, it's just more Hill.

[12:50] >> These movies really need to stop having

[12:51] their communications hardware set up by

[12:53] horror movie tension cliches RS.

[12:55] >> Stay focused and get this temple.

[12:57] >> Sure.

[12:58] >> Trying to give off Keo Reeves energy in

[12:59] your first movie whilst not being Keo

[13:01] Reeves. There is too much at stake not

[13:04] to take calculated risks. Eden doesn't

[13:06] understand that. You don't understand

[13:09] that.

[13:09] >> I also don't understand that. Smoothie

[13:11] is about to make me beg for at least

[13:12] some softcore expositioning. And I do

[13:14] not like who it's turning me into.

[13:16] >> Is that why you destroyed Filament

[13:18] Station?

[13:18] >> That wasn't supposed to happen.

[13:21] >> Softcore expositioning.

[13:22] >> You can apologize to my tumors.

[13:24] >> It's not a tumor.

[13:25] >> Just ram it.

[13:27] >> Just ram it.

[13:27] >> Just ram it. Get the job done. Script

[13:30] recognizes that my college girlfriend

[13:32] may have been blunt, but she did have

[13:33] John Wick's focus.

[13:34] >> And then I'm free.

[13:35] >> Then you come back up.

[13:36] >> And then I'm free.

[13:37] >> Prioritizing your self narrative at the

[13:39] expense of the obvious reality that has

[13:41] been clearly stated to you.

[13:42] >> Is that it? With all the buildup, I

[13:44] thought there might be something a bit

[13:45] more calamitous.

[13:46] >> Do you get it? He's speaking for the

[13:47] audience who knows something's about to

[13:49] go down. And this is all a false tension

[13:50] release. So the movie uses meta

[13:52] commentary as a way to hang a lantern on

[13:54] its own sins. Do you get it?

[13:57] The end. Well, at least the end of the

[13:59] part of the movie without easy

[14:00] conspiracy theories about dead

[14:01] characters, hallucinations, or CO2

[14:03] delusions. But if you think that's going

[14:04] to stop us from sinning, what might all

[14:06] be non-existent events, you might be

[14:08] experiencing one of those things

[14:09] yourself. I mean, hopefully not the

[14:11] first one, but still. Close-up of a

[14:13] character's opening eye as they awaken

[14:14] to a new reality where there is a

[14:16] reflection of giant blood ocean X-ray

[14:18] button that reminds me suspiciously of

[14:19] those glowing USB ports on some planes

[14:22] cliche. As Simon continues to use his

[14:24] camera for ambient light, I have to ask,

[14:25] can this thing take an unlimited amount

[14:27] of X-rays? My dentist has to swap out

[14:29] between every click. And hell, even

[14:30] digital storage has to run out at some

[14:32] point, right? Guess I won't be needing

[14:34] this anymore. But also, he will need it

[14:36] because it's Czechov's life vest.

[14:37] >> I had water this whole time.

[14:39] >> THE WHOLE TIME?

[14:40] >> OH, [ __ ] THAT.

[14:41] >> I'm assuming he says this because it's

[14:42] dark and scary, but I'm not sure because

[14:44] it's dark and it looks like my screen

[14:46] just turned off. Simon spits on that

[14:49] thing and risks being known as the hawk

[14:50] luggie bro. [ __ ] that.

[14:53] >> This guy really sucks at coming up with

[14:55] good catchphrases.

[14:58] >> Tape taking all the good jobs. Also,

[15:00] this works.

[15:01] >> [ __ ] me.

[15:02] >> The [ __ ] rule of three.

[15:04] >> Cockpit voice recording

[15:07] blacks.

[15:08] >> The muffled speech coming out of the

[15:09] radio is irritating enough. And now

[15:10] Simon is doing it live. I

[15:12] >> swear if I have to reading manuals.

[15:15] >> It's funny because everybody who has

[15:17] played a video game knows this feeling.

[15:18] It's not funny because in a real life

[15:20] situation, every manual could actually

[15:21] save your life. This ain't the library

[15:23] in mist, man. An actress making me

[15:25] realize that a sequel to Buried called

[15:27] Blooded was on the table and maybe

[15:29] better. Glad you found a way to power up

[15:31] the lights so that I can now see 10% of

[15:33] what's going on instead of 2%. You've

[15:34] advanced from milk to tithe. But if

[15:36] there's a way you could eventually get

[15:37] up to solid restaurant tip, I'd

[15:39] appreciate it.

[15:41] >> Almost worked.

[15:42] >> This almost worked. Over again.

[15:45] >> Just because the whole ocean's blood

[15:47] doesn't mean you shouldn't get this off

[15:48] your face as fast as you can.

[15:52] >> This whole breach is on for all the some

[15:54] time.

[15:54] >> Fire breach. Fire.

[15:57] >> This fires on for all the continuing to

[15:59] hold breach on for all the some time.

[16:01] For all the some time. Also, for what

[16:03] it's worth, any kind of whole breach at

[16:04] this supposed depth would result in

[16:06] immediate implosion. So throw some

[16:08] firewood on the old he's already dead

[16:09] conspiracy fire if you like, but this

[16:11] sub should no longer be subbing.

[16:13] >> SHUT THE [ __ ] UP. DISMANTLING THE

[16:16] MESSENGER. That feeling when the back of

[16:17] your bra rides up when you're taking off

[16:19] your shirt. Drinking rubbing alcohol

[16:21] ever, but especially when it's not even

[16:23] enough to give you a decent buzz. Also

[16:24] using the mini bar without considering

[16:26] how much it might cost you. I'm not

[16:27] dying down here. He is. Movie will now

[16:29] spend a couple minutes pretending the

[16:30] most thrilling parts of video games are

[16:32] the parts where you have to maping

[16:33] mazes.

[16:39] Hello everyone. My name is Simon. I like

[16:41] to do drawings.

[16:43] >> Surprise to the point of dropping your

[16:45] pencil cliche.

[16:47] >> Basing your scary underwater creature on

[16:48] the mascots from the old Dao scrubbing

[16:50] bubbles commercial.

[16:51] >> Just pretend like I'm not even here

[16:53] >> like this movie is doing with that

[16:55] FREAKING SUBHOST FROM EARLIER. YEAH,

[16:57] SURE. I can do that. But also,

[16:58] pretending you're not here would have

[16:59] serious consequences for the screenplay.

[17:03] Littering. Why does he need to prop the

[17:04] throttle open? And why is the throttle

[17:06] able to be propped open by a binder?

[17:08] Just realize this part of the map looks

[17:09] like a uterus. And now all the blood has

[17:11] an even more interesting context.

[17:13] [ __ ] aliens.

[17:14] >> Look, buddy, you're the one out here

[17:15] touching and drinking everything you

[17:16] find. So don't be getting all high and

[17:17] mighty about the Alien franchise when

[17:19] you've clearly been copying it this

[17:20] whole time. This movie is 82% close-up

[17:22] shots masquerading as story momentum.

[17:24] >> You're just STANDING THERE. DO

[17:26] SOMETHING.

[17:26] >> Stealing my thoughts on the last 10

[17:28] minutes of this movie. Of course, when I

[17:29] was thinking do something, I wasn't

[17:30] thinking just throw in some random as of

[17:32] yet incomprehensible backstory that just

[17:34] serves as more hallucinogenic

[17:35] atmosphere. But you do you movie

[17:38] 8, what are you doing down here?

[17:40] >> Spoken as if it wouldn't stand a reason

[17:41] that they were doing the same as you.

[17:44] Wait wait wait wait wait.

[17:49] >> Well,

[17:51] we're waiting.

[17:52] >> Insufficient privileges. Leave the area

[17:54] immediately or surrender yourself to

[17:55] Insufficient privileges. Leave the area

[17:57] immediately or surrender yourself to

[17:58] council authority.

[17:59] >> Deciding that having a large segment of

[18:00] your audience's experience be what if

[18:02] your annoying unfassened seat belt

[18:04] warning alarm was a movie.

[18:05] >> Not my problem.

[18:07] >> Saying this and then playing the

[18:08] computer like the plot's positioned slot

[18:10] machine that it is. I'm in a circle.

[18:13] >> Sometime around when you started drawing

[18:15] your map back to the place you started,

[18:16] you should have begun to suspect it was

[18:18] a circle. Stop pretending this

[18:19] revelation was not just more exposition.

[18:21] Also, going in a circle seems like it

[18:23] wasn't such a bad thing considering you

[18:25] now have a useful map. Looks like you've

[18:26] eliminated all the choices except the

[18:28] right one. So, just go and win the game

[18:29] or whatever. Nice.

[18:32] >> Sorry.

[18:32] >> Apologizing to the sturdy desk you

[18:34] barely hit instead of the warning

[18:36] speaker you annihilated earlier for just

[18:37] doing its job.

[18:38] >> Only one left to try.

[18:40] >> This movie is doing a great job at being

[18:41] a metaphor for how hard it is to find

[18:43] and try every single new experimental

[18:45] flavor that Mountain Dew throws into

[18:46] stores. And I am relating to my core

[18:48] with the completionist themes and dogged

[18:50] exploration of the carbonated journey.

[18:52] That is what this movie is about, right?

[18:54] >> Who is this?

[18:55] >> Who do you think it is?

[18:55] >> I don't care. Moving on.

[18:57] >> Can't take it anymore.

[19:01] >> Death delusions, CO2 poisoning,

[19:02] hallucinations, whatever. The only thing

[19:04] that's more ridiculous than this sub

[19:05] still being intact this long is that

[19:07] there is another sub down here with

[19:08] people still surviving. And he should be

[19:10] having some major questions right now.

[19:12] >> Can you just keep talking to me?

[19:13] >> What would be the point? You'll just run

[19:15] out of air faster. He didn't say he

[19:17] would be talking back. Jeez, mystery

[19:19] ghost lady, just tell the guy a story or

[19:20] something.

[19:21] >> You can see the light and so

[19:25] it changed everything.

[19:26] >> The audio coming out of that speaker is

[19:28] getting very rough to listen to.

[19:29] >> It's what caused the quiet rapture or a

[19:31] fragment of it at least.

[19:33] >> I'd send the movie for expositioning us

[19:34] at this point, but I'm not sure the

[19:36] movie understands how to actually

[19:37] deliver information that moves the story

[19:38] forward. It seems to think just saying

[19:40] random mysterious [ __ ] will keep us

[19:41] interested. And honestly, I've had those

[19:43] friends and I got rid of them for a

[19:44] reason. I don't know if you're just my

[19:47] imagination.

[19:48] >> Run away with me.

[19:50] >> I don't know what's real anymore.

[19:51] >> Yeah, same. But considering there's

[19:53] still a hole breach and this speaker

[19:54] isn't capable of chirping to you about

[19:56] it, but is capable of broadcasting from

[19:57] this mystery ghost sub, I think you

[19:59] should probably have a bit of a clue.

[20:00] >> But what's more likely? That every

[20:02] planet and star disappeared or that a

[20:04] few space stations disappeared.

[20:05] >> Asking reasonable questions while you

[20:07] were currently exploring a blood ocean

[20:08] is admirable, but somehow almost more

[20:10] ridiculous at the same time. Isn't it

[20:12] easier to believe that they're still

[20:13] there wondering where all of us went?

[20:15] Isn't that more likely?

[20:16] >> Not sure if it's more likely, but it

[20:18] does at least sound like a better movie.

[20:19] >> Would you give everything just to

[20:21] survive?

[20:22] >> Yeah, I never had anything to begin

[20:24] with.

[20:24] >> Then you don't have anything to give and

[20:26] therefore don't get to survive. You

[20:27] aren't listening, Simon. Also, you do

[20:29] have that cool pog slammer you found.

[20:31] >> They were still looking for us.

[20:33] >> Maybe. Yeah.

[20:34] >> Objection. Calls for speculation, your

[20:36] honor. Sorry. When I get bored, I revert

[20:38] to courtroom rules. I'll try to do

[20:39] better. They blame me for what happened.

[20:41] I was the only one trying to stop it.

[20:43] >> Citation needed or at least a coherent

[20:45] scene about it.

[20:46] >> I didn't blow up Filament Station, but

[20:47] the ones who did aren't getting

[20:49] punished, just me.

[20:50] >> Permission to treat the witnesses

[20:51] hostile, your honor. So, Simon, the big

[20:53] reveal is that people think you blew up

[20:55] Filament Station, a place we know very

[20:56] little about, and that you didn't do it,

[20:58] but someone else whom we haven't even

[21:00] met or have info on did blow it up.

[21:02] Exactly. How is this information

[21:03] supposed to help us understand you as a

[21:04] character better or contextualize the

[21:06] choices you've made on this journey? The

[21:07] prosecution rest, your honor. Not

[21:09] because any of that made sense. I'm just

[21:10] tired.

[21:12] >> The answer is right there.

[21:14] >> It is not. In fact, we're already 75%

[21:16] through this movie and I can already

[21:18] tell it cares as much about giving

[21:19] actual answers as I care about the

[21:21] keyboard warriors in the comment section

[21:22] who are readying their fan theories as

[21:24] proof that this movie is flawless and

[21:25] I'm full of I already know I'm full of

[21:27] It's the one sure thing about [ __ ]

[21:29] Everything that is happening here seems

[21:30] very cool, but I have no idea what the

[21:32] any of it is.

[21:36] >> I see you. Okay, thating rule. Take your

[21:40] sin off you mad genius you. But also

[21:42] Avataring

[21:47] the

[21:49] >> Oh,

[21:51] Simon,

[21:53] open your eyes.

[21:55] >> Reminding me of that one time at spring

[21:56] break when I went to the place the event

[21:58] horizon went. No one will be seated

[22:00] during the interlude of inconsequential

[22:01] hallucinations.

[22:02] >> Who is this?

[22:03] >> I'm Batman.

[22:04] >> I don't even know how you survived.

[22:06] >> Movie magic mostly. If he is alive,

[22:08] >> TELL ME HOW MANY PEOPLE. GIVE ME A

[22:10] NUMBER.

[22:10] >> THREE. THREE. THREE.

[22:12] >> This of course in no way proves anything

[22:14] to him. Because if it is his own mind

[22:15] playing tricks, of course he knows this

[22:17] information. But the fact that he should

[22:18] have known better isn't the important

[22:20] thing. It's that the audience doesn't

[22:21] gain anything from this moment to ground

[22:22] them in any sort of reality or give them

[22:24] any new info to contextualize Simon's

[22:25] experience. Do all movies have to be

[22:27] about clarity of character, story,

[22:28] narrative, and structure? Yes. Yes, they

[22:30] do. Because I said so.

[22:32] >> What's my name?

[22:32] >> This isn't helping. If what Ava means is

[22:35] that this isn't helping to move the

[22:36] story along, then she would be excellent

[22:37] at CINEMA SENSE.

[22:38] >> SAY MY NAME.

[22:40] >> DISCOUNT DESTINY'S CHILD.

[22:41] >> You say I need down here to die and you

[22:43] don't even know my name.

[22:44] >> Not making a hard ride into the Fight

[22:45] Club verse and telling him his name is

[22:47] Robert Pollson. And listen, this is just

[22:49] what happens when you keep me confined

[22:51] to a small space for extended periods of

[22:52] time.

[22:53] >> It says I have one light left.

[22:55] >> Scene does not contain a Kardashian

[22:56] trying to convince Simon that he started

[22:58] with five lights of oxygen. A bone

[23:00] fragment isn't going to tell us anything

[23:01] that we haven't already seen with our

[23:03] own eyes.

[23:04] >> So, why did you want it in the first

[23:05] place? AA's motives are anywhere from

[23:07] confusing to non-existent.

[23:09] >> The SM8.

[23:11] I almost didn't notice the name on

[23:12] account of the biging hole in the side

[23:15] of it.

[23:15] >> That was just a lie. It was very

[23:17] legible.

[23:18] >> Did you say SM8? How do you know about

[23:19] that ship?

[23:20] >> It had letters on it. I can read.

[23:22] >> God damn it. Open your ear.

[23:24] >> Well, if you want it, you got to come

[23:26] down here and get it. my college

[23:28] ex-girlfriend when she lived two floors

[23:29] down.

[23:30] >> And you're lucky I'm not sending you

[23:31] down there instead.

[23:32] >> Power tripping bully bosses who threaten

[23:34] you with a trip to the demon anglerfish

[23:36] blood zoo.

[23:36] >> If you can make it to the FM8 and back

[23:38] out, we can meet you outside the

[23:40] entrance in 30 minutes. But I'm serious.

[23:42] You've got to be there in 30 minutes or

[23:44] I'm gone.

[23:44] >> The movie's oxygen countdown has been

[23:46] thoroughly compromised by demon air

[23:48] shenanigans. So, we're upgrading to the

[23:49] more reliable be here before the train

[23:51] leaves model. If we could pull this off,

[23:54] there's hope for the COI, for Eden, for

[23:57] everyone. Nothing else matters compared

[24:00] to this.

[24:00] >> Nothing else matters compared to this is

[24:02] a difficult philosophy to reconcile with

[24:03] the whole be here in 30 minutes or I'm

[24:05] leaving policy. Also, movie has spent

[24:07] way too much time convincing us that

[24:08] none of this is real for me to care

[24:10] about any of this actually mattering.

[24:11] You got the highest body count out here,

[24:13] killer. This conversation briefly taking

[24:15] an unexpected turn into modern dating

[24:17] discourse.

[24:18] >> Once you're down there, it's still

[24:19] there. It's really difficult to hear,

[24:20] but his mind audio seems to be

[24:22] suggesting that he isn't alone in the

[24:23] sub. Too bad the movie has left me alone

[24:25] to not figure any of this out on my own.

[24:28] >> Blood Demon, sir, I served with Captain

[24:30] America. I knew Captain America. Captain

[24:32] America was a friend of mine, and you

[24:34] are no Captain America.

[24:35] >> The pressure alarm finally shuts up.

[24:37] >> That's alarmist.

[24:38] >> Yes, we can synthesize food from it, but

[24:42] I don't think we should. It shouldn't be

[24:44] possible, but it's human. It's

[24:47] incredibly [ __ ] hard to hear, but the

[24:48] radio is basically saying that Satan's

[24:50] Soilent Green is people, and more of

[24:52] that movie would have been nice. Is the

[24:54] radiation causing these wounds, or is it

[24:56] the aliens? And if it's the aliens, are

[24:57] they doing it with their minds, or is

[24:59] this blood filled with the fastest

[25:00] acting Ebola ever?

[25:01] >> You can't be serious.

[25:03] >> Trying to bring back your awesome

[25:04] catchphrase in the final act, but

[25:06] forgetting that it wasn't actually

[25:07] awesome.

[25:08] >> THAT YOU

[25:09] >> TRYING TO BRING BACK YOUR AWESOME

[25:10] secondary catchphrase in the final act,

[25:12] but forgetting that it also wasn't

[25:14] actually awesome.

[25:15] >> YOU WANT TO HATE ME? COME AND TRY.

[25:17] >> ATTEMPTING TO give Taco Bell new

[25:18] advertising slogans. Simon crawled to

[25:20] freedom through 5 yards of blood alien

[25:22] foulness. I can't even imagine. Or maybe

[25:24] I just don't want to. Five whole yards.

[25:27] That's the length of over a full

[25:29] basketball rim height. And just shy of

[25:31] actually being difficult. And we all

[25:33] came out exactly as confused as we

[25:35] started on the other side. Movie never

[25:37] explains why the blood mutates Simon and

[25:39] his sub, but just lets the black box go

[25:41] unmutated through this whole blood

[25:43] flood. You know, if any of this actually

[25:45] happened. Sub Blood can apparently only

[25:46] grab its victims by direct hand-to-pipe

[25:48] contact, much like my college

[25:49] ex-girlfriend. This [ __ ] is disgusting.

[25:52] WELL DONE.

[25:53] >> FINE. YOU WANT THE PUSHER?

[25:55] >> I'm pretty sure this would being awesome

[25:57] if I could tell what was actually

[25:58] happening behind the extremely shaky

[26:00] camification of all movies. Something

[26:02] something pressure something something

[26:04] explosion winning movie takes the dark

[26:06] ending of the game and adds a splash of

[26:08] bloody hope to it because it knows we

[26:10] nihilists are too convinced of the

[26:11] universe's never- ending drama to give a

[26:13] [ __ ] Well played, Mariplier. Well

[26:15] played indeed.

[26:39] There's something.

[26:50] >> Oh yes. I hate this. It is revolting.

[26:53] >> More, please.