Minions: The Rise of Gru Critique — Full Breakdown & Transcript

[00:12] wondering about the dreaded return of the British narrator, this is actually still Jeremy's voice. We're just putting it through a very special Minions voice filter. Hello, banana. Opening with a rewind through film history to trick me

[00:25] cares about film history. >> You don't like member berries. >> Also, the universal theme as we know it did not play over this logo until 1997. oldtimey filter is highly disrespectful to whichever old dude wrote the OG

[00:41] after they lost the copyright to their 1920s cartoons, but not putting a pair popping pills to go all the way. Also, this trip down nostalgia logos lane made

[00:53] their own animation triumphs. Perhaps it's because they didn't release an animated film until 1959. Or perhaps it's the seven-year gap between that and Pinocchio in Outer Space. Oh yeah, look that [ __ ] up. Actually, this makes

[01:06] perfect sense. Abusing this clip in a postnote world feels problematic. >> Did you know that the very first assembly of photographs in sequential two-c on a horse? >> I don't care if Nope made the story up.

[01:19] It's a better madeup story than the madeup pretending to be a story that whichever illuminire decided that minions doing a Forest Gump would be clips of the minions ruining classic early films so that the audience knows

[01:33] minutes. The purely decorative minions goggles offering zero actual eye >> You'll learn all about your favorite movies and actors. If your favorite movies and actors are two minions, a 90-minute advertisement for both the

[01:48] Universal back catalog and Universal Studios theme park very expectedly makes it into this movie. George Lucas as a man trapped in a museum display with nothing to do but be fed over. Aka George Lucas reaches his final form.

[02:01] >> As much as this movie was clearly made for 5-year-olds, it is sadly true that it's the millennial parents keeping this franchise in business. Let the Minions indoctrination of the next generation commence. I know the minions, but I've

[02:13] >> James and Henry. >> Is this kid high? They look like every the tall one, the one with one eye, and doodly hair. And I'm not buying that's enough to justify them not being chucked

[02:27] child's mind. >> This is insane. >> What's insane is that no one on this tour has heard of them, and she's acting like they all should have. So, is it just a coincidence that this group

[02:39] does she fake this reaction for every Why does that C3PO have tits? >> James and Henry are legends and they changed Hollywood forever. device around the plot of Inception, a

[02:52] film, >> and their story is epic. incapable of cashing. >> Change of plans. Everybody sit down now >> because tour guides famously have unlimited time to spontaneously detour

[03:04] I guess just any of these people who had a lunch reservation. >> Tommy, you two glasses and Mr. Johnson. >> I've never been on a tour where the tour guide knew my name. Maybe that's on me. Maybe that's on the movie for setting

[03:17] >> And you too, Bubble Girl. >> Profiling. >> Throughout time, dozens of minion tribes have been roaming our planet. >> This sentence suggests that there is an entire field of study dedicated to the

[03:29] minions. And I find it hard to believe there are people so dedicated to hating serve. >> Definition of perfect pending since even being good at villaining hasn't been a prerequisite so far. Mom, can we go and

[03:43] see the Odyssey? No, Timmy. We already have the Odyssey at home. All of these boats have the same copy and paste minion leader except for the one that on. And that's suspicious in an

[03:56] animatedly shortcuty way. James. He liked to draw, paint, character models and expecting me to care and or remember any of those names. care and or remember any of those names. >> Alberto.

[04:10] roommate. I don't want to read your graphic novel sins. The more interesting untold story here is how the minions killed and then chose to display the dead husks of the Kakamura from Moana. >> Super mean.

[04:27] problematic it is that it's asking children to worship beings who have historically worshiped their own very problematic beings. I like the Lion King circle of life much better. Also, I question the logic of building your

[04:39] house so close to a giant Cyclops habitat. No, this isn't victim blaming. sure I'm being cancelled for the right wrong reason. >> To show their new master how much they cared, the minions did everything for

[04:52] communicated a desire for this giant stone house, dragon heads, and random stone house, dragon heads, and random pottery through a series of poot p. Also, this movie attempts to be the most overt advertisement for slavery in an

[05:05] Oompa Loompa fanfic franchise yet. Discuss. James hurries to invent Legos convince their master to wear the shoe seen being carried in the background If, as the murals in the background

[05:18] pictures, there was no reason to include soul-killing protrusions in the tops of his stone slabs. Also, James not realizing that simply existing before Lego is not reason enough for Lego to not latigiously litigate his Little

[05:31] Lemon Life. If the relatable Lego in foot joke doesn't land and the sized Morning Star up the butt gag doesn't either, then surely combining the two into a suddenly much larger Lego up the butt howler will give the

[05:44] Also, this is so clearly an homage to the sideshow Bob walking into multiple earliest known recording of slapstick comedy. I feel like claiming the Minions invented modern cinema is not helped by also claiming they invented butt stuff.

[05:58] I'm fine with the Minions inventing a rudimentary wheelchair. I could even buy into the materials needed for an extensive full body cast. But this bag rocks or the minions have invented refrigeration.

[06:11] >> Everyone was mad at James. >> But how is James supposed to know that entire buildings would let one little Lego ruin his day? Lego ruin his day? >> One other minion found it very funny.

[06:25] No, I refuse to even begrudgingly like one of these interchangeable banana guzzling Tic Tacs just because they seem to have an upbeat attitude about the absurdity of serving ignoramin to evil idiots. You can't make me like stuff. I

[06:37] help rowing. But I'm not going to feel sad for James that he's refused the miserable benchmate. >> Henry, bullying him a minute ago. But somehow

[06:50] of boat minions have never met. Their >> Looks like the minions have made it all the way from Cyclops Island to somewhere in the Fant region of Asia. >> Misha.

[07:03] everyone born outside the US or before the year 1900 spoke minion and that's >> No labiski. >> The minion's one goal is to serve their master. So why does the plantain Pratt decide to touch the book he's been told

[07:18] in and the appeal of hiring these meddling death traps remains to be seen. self-worth as a wizard to know that the amber ass dumplings are able to use the magic spell book just as well as you, an actual wizard, is able to. If the wizard

[07:34] leaves his magic mega destruction book unattended with a bunch of sensient into the line of bunny scorching fire without even learning the command zed spell, then that's on him. James and Henry's friendship became stronger that

[07:47] >> because there's no bond like the bond of involuntary manslaughter. >> He's a friendly minion who is a bit hard of hearing. They came up with a way of >> in a matter of seconds. Apparently snuff

[08:00] somehow this isn't the part parents are complaining about. MPAA hates the British so much that this is the only way you can get an actual

[08:15] decapitation into a PG movie. PG. >> But after a while, they couldn't find >> Assuming there was any point in humanity's past where there was a total absence of evil masters means they weren't looking hard enough. This is

[08:29] some absolutely insane revisionist history unbecoming of an Illumination >> For a very long time, the Minions wandered about tired and losing hope. Maybe they should stop searching through Arctic tundras and barren deserts and

[08:42] are. >> And that very bossy minion there, that's >> The minions eternal quest for a new head to service would come to a quick climax being led around by their own dick. >> Henry thought long and hard about Dick's

[08:56] >> So, we're just done with phrasing, >> The disregard for physics that resulted in the sunny side up eggs flipping mid Prattful for the sake of this Irish yolk joke. Also, is he cooking two goddamn

[09:09] would take all day to get through breakfast. >> Dick saw something that would change the minions lives forever. which does in this case feel like forever. The Flintstones logic of this

[09:22] cart situation should not be ignored. This is in fact worse than running alone. Now they're carrying their own weight plus the weight of the cart. It >> If we follow the rules, it's still fun and it means something. I could spend

[09:34] several hours and likely will listing all the references in this movie, but this Captain America one is so thin I shall only dignify it with a mildly perturbed sigh. [sighs] Speaking of the Winter Soldier, either

[09:47] this man's arm is made entirely of metal, or this volume of minions is so hollow. That rumble in the soundtrack you hear is Charlie Chaplain shifting in acknowledged as the one who threw a wrench in comedy that inspired a century

[10:01] of stupid blockbusters to follow. Also, nitpicking time, campers. This movie Chaplan's Modern Times wasn't released until 1936, meaning that the minions aren't stumbling onto this film set, but

[10:14] apparently his literal place of work, which presumably inspired the movie he would go on to make, which is [ __ ] This Harold Lloyd reference actually is in the right window of time, except the location is totally wrong, and there's

[10:27] absolutely would be. So far, we're firmly shifting out of homage and into, "Hey, we know movies. Look at this thing we animated." The minions being behind mean, taking credit for an actual genius's work might be the most accurate

[10:41] representation of Hollywood this movie ever presents. The minions seem awfully concerned about protecting lives for a group of beings who swear their whole they can find. This guy clearly graduated from the clown college campus

[10:54] from Things. What the [ __ ] are Chaplain Katon and Lloyd doing here? How did they get ahead of the train? You should still be hanging from a clock of force be hanging from a clock of force perspective, sir. [screaming]

[11:12] shown no regard for friction or physics will be compelled by your stop argument. [ __ ] >> You've ruined everything. It was a >> Scene? Well, now that we know that was meant to be a movie, I have even more

[11:28] thoughts. Firstly, how about the lack of any [ __ ] camera equipment at the different angles of this chase and not a be seen. Secondly, if the intent was to film the action on this train, why does

[11:41] on its way to make a stop at this station? Third, mostly all of the actors in this chase acted like this was an actual train robbery and not a movie set critters. How is this not an immediate cut? Fourthly, if this is a complete

[11:57] disaster, why are the cameras set up here at all? This feels like this is place. So, were you expecting a runaway train? Or was it just a coincidence that >> IF HE MESSES UP AGAIN, HE'S FIRED. >> AND THEN SEND HIM A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE.

[12:11] conversation as they enter the room. Because even in the 1920s, this was the best way to do some good cop bad cop character exposition. Considering none of this was expected, the camera operators did a fantastic job of

[12:24] capturing it on, again, cameras that weren't there or were capable of >> He's genius. >> What? Ruin Project ends up being all the cliche. >> Those sickly children. OH, THEY'RE

[12:38] MOVIE. >> The commentary on Hollywood producers milking it until the heat death of the universe is not lost on me. But I do think it's an irony that's lost on the seventh installment of this franchise.

[12:52] >> would you mind playing it? >> For [ __ ] sake, Casablanca wasn't until 1942. The [ __ ] are we doing here, people? Not respecting the flow of time. That's what the 19th Amendment gave women the right to vote in 1920. So, if

[13:04] they're still marching and campaigning, we must be in 1920 or earlier, which makes most of the references so far even more confusing. I'm beginning to think historically accurate. The cop in the middle is reading a paper with the

[13:17] yet, we have still never gotten the Minions ranking bass style Christmas crossover where the Minions and the elves go to war over who will serve >> I've been LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU. GET IT. GET IN.

[13:30] >> DX MAX. [screaming] >> I find it suspicious that Max is driving around with this amount of bananas at >> Is there a name I can just call all of you? What an interesting way to subtly

[13:42] analyze the othering and grouping of cultures that has sadly pervaded the actually just a lame [ __ ] origin story for the name Minions, isn't it? of apples in front of him, so we'd know he's an [ __ ] looking to exploit cheap

[13:56] >> You don't know what movies are? >> After 16 years, four movies, and three solo spin-offs, that should be the most obvious statement one could make about The Minions. Movies are stories that play out right in front of you and

[14:09] people love them and people love the people who make them. Challenge >> Welcome to Pride Brothers Pictures where we make all kinds of movies. >> But we'll eventually end up making and rebooting the exact same movie over and

[14:22] over again because chasing profit beats creativity. Hold on to your dreams, boys. Illegal Prohibition Flapperation. What kind of genrebending time travel movie was Max filming? The Bright brothers

[14:34] said they wanted the minions in every frame of the movie he showed them, which happened to be a western. So, what's with all the medieval gear? >> Dick makes a thematically consistent argument quite elegantly, I might add,

[14:46] that they shouldn't be messing around and making movies instead of finding counter equally eloquently that Hollywood producers might be the biggest bad bosses the world will ever produce and can therefore sell their creative

[14:59] would be a sin removal if I believe for a second that was the intent and not me projecting logic onto madness. I do not believe that gas-powered chainsaws were an available form of weaponry during Viking times. Oh, Max would have [ __ ]

[15:12] hated Cinema Sins, wouldn't he? >> There is far more buttplay in this movie expected. >> Are you ready to become stars? And I ever seen. >> Premature biggest stars the world has

[15:25] >> Premature biggest stars the world has ever seen. Abrasion. This poor woman. >> Movie has the nerve to nod at the imminent bubble popping of the 30s, but fails to deliver on how the minions helped Hitler's rise to power. Yeah,

[15:38] >> They came from the stars to hit you with a frying pan. Part four, target Miami >> None of these titles being quite ridiculous enough for me to believe they A24. >> The Minions have become the kings of the

[15:51] just can't get enough of them. >> Which is a beautiful irony coming from the lowest grossing movie in this entire Despicable franchise. The Minions are modern looks. >> Looks like the Minions collectively

[16:03] graduated from the Death on the Nile School of Origin storying irrelevant things. Also, in the original Minions movie, we learned that the original overalls when getting ready for Villain Con in Orlando in 1968. It's not

[16:16] impossible that two different tribes of Minions stumbled on the exact same ideal minion wear decades apart, but it's unlikely. This Babylon reference might be the most obscure considering it came out just a few years ago and is now more

[16:29] obscure than most movies from the 1920s. That's not a slam on Babylon. That's a slam on us for not appreciating Babylon. Also, a 2022 film does not count as a film is better at recreating Hollywood in the 1920s than yours is.

[16:45] in the 1920s than yours is. [screaming] demonstrates he's arguably better behind the camera than in front of it, but talent anyway. >> It's an award given out to the best

[16:58] >> If this movie is set in 1927, then the Oscars won't be a thing until 1929. And about in this aspirational way. The only thing it was aspiring to do at this Also, calling this an Oscar, a real and famously man-shaped award instead of a

[17:14] famously man-shaped award instead of a bonanar or Oscana. From now on, our movies are going to have sound. And the best way we could think to tell you with a bunch of sound equipment. Surprise.

[17:26] >> I have a very good feeling about this. >> Which is weird because he should have a good feeling about this, but will be proved wrong. At least half the fun of the minions are the dumb [ __ ] noises and quasi Spanish minion nonsense word

[17:38] quickly show us that the audience will reject them for this very reason. As if Charlie Chaplan's movies couldn't have possibly benefited from an occasional >> this will be great. >> Now he should know better. Fred here is

[17:52] completely miscast. Why is Max trying to squeeze this ludicrous lemon into some noir hum minion free bogart roll? >> My mother warned me about men like you. >> I find that very unlikely. >> Pinata carbonara lasagna.

[18:07] >> What? Being surprised that creatures you have never heard utter a coherent sentence do not suddenly begin uttering coherent sentences just because you've given them Q cards. >> Uh poop

[18:20] >> still makes more sense than Rosebud. >> THIS IS A DISASTER. We've lost millions. >> Mostly because you seem committed to changing the genre of the movie and assuming that would change their ability to speak English.

[18:35] >> Language James, there are children watching here. Let me clean this up. Brothers have never heard of the soccer celebrities you're referencing here because neither of them have been born in 1927. Sad shuffle. Skip. Okay, this

[18:51] the rain. The minions will struggle with the transition from silent features to voices. Sure, but that feels a bit reductive, sir. Can we do anything special with it? What if we literally made it rain on them? Genius. Oh, hey.

[19:05] the movie just did. >> Hey, good night. Good night, Peter. Hey, >> No one will be seated as the minions say good night to each other for all the John Boy Walton some time. >> The minions

[19:20] >> Freddy tasty lasagna. Confusing poster design for storyboarding. >> Citation needed. >> Good. >> Demonstrating yet again that unlike my brain cells watching this movie, minions

[19:32] really don't ever die. >> A crew. Blue. No, >> no crew either. >> If only you had dozens of buddies who need for payment. What would the collective name for them even be?

[19:45] monster. >> Ed snagged the book of monsters from the wizard's place and has apparently kept it on his person for the centuries that all along? >> It was a gift from my father. My first

[19:58] imagine is his most precious possession to James really stamps all over the attempt to do a the fable minions. >> And remember, a very cool monster movie needs a very cool monster.

[20:11] >> It's like this very movie is screaming at itself from the future it is doomed to create. Reminded there's a framing story jump >> I am Dort. >> The 24 hours the earth stood still.

[20:24] famous things and changing a small part of them. >> And I was sent here by the Supreme High Ruler to judge this pathetic planet. judged it. >> DORT IS GOING TO INVADE Earth and

[20:38] enslave humanity. >> He will not. He will find a group of day. Which is weird because that's not his job. Was this level of overcandling specifically required by the spell? Or are we confirming that the Minions are

[20:52] also to blame for that very specific Hollywood trend, too? To be fair to the of whoever drew this book. Even the representation of the bunny they actually summoned. If only every element

[21:04] actually summoned. If only every element of this movie was this self-aware. >> How the does he speak minion? >> You need monsters for your movie?

[21:16] >> How the does he know what a movie is? I know the perfect monsters for you. I'll >> But what about the book? It still works. They know at the very least that the unlucky that they summoned the upbeat spawn that came from Squidward [ __ ] a

[21:31] flubber. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad this isn't a baguette. But who the [ __ ] is going to the store for three leaks? Any reminders of Despicable Me 4 is too >> Wubble wubble wubble. >> It's not that I hate fun. I just hate

[21:44] fun that isn't fun. This shark could and should have devoured this boat in one chomp. I guess it got distracted by being just as excited to do a Jaws as the movie hoped we would be excited about it doing a Jaws. I'm curious, what

[21:57] was thoughts people's flag before they invented spaceships? Or did they only decide they needed a flag after they left their planet? Yes, the 52 minute and 43 second mark is precisely where my mind started to wander off.

[22:10] >> He didn't even say poot poo. >> No, no, no. You can't kick that kid. Any intervention. >> I originate from the planet Metar near >> Expecting someone to know where your planet is based on a mapping system that

[22:24] >> Give women the vote. >> No, the Beckdale test does not count pandering. Also, the fact that they are still being forced to march for the right to vote 7 years after the right to vote was given to them might be the most

[22:38] accurate commentary in the movie. >> Minions, DORT IS SLIGHTLY postponing >> The minions have been minioning alongside humans for centuries, and yet they have apparently never encountered the power of boners.

[22:54] to follow an evil boss and are now joining the suffragette movement is problematic in a way I'm not sure the movie was ready to wrestle with. The fact that please do not thought was an afterthought deemed not important enough

[23:07] for a full redo. Oh, come on. You could at least riff on one of the good Godzilla movies. If whoever wrote that sign outside was serious about not should have done something about this button that activates a tuning fork and

[23:20] situation. >> Jameso >> The monsters being bad is somehow a surprise to Henry. Unless he was chapter dedicated to SAG Monstra. Hey, you guys know Lady in the [ __ ] right?

[23:35] It's that but minions. Laugh you fools. Also, I don't know how much that sure you could have funded a small independent film with that budget. Debbie never once asks more if these creatures are his children, slaves, or

[23:48] that she just accepts their presence as the most normal thing in the world. Yes, I'm aware she's also dating a man in a full robot costume, but the employee weirder. The minions walk away with all the cuddly toys, as if pummeling this

[24:02] man led to victory. It did not. There are still multiple cans standing and I'm sure an assault charge. The boldest claim this movie makes is that the minions were also present for the dawn of the furry movement.

[24:14] >> Is this where you make movies? >> It sure is. And you sure would think locked down and have a boatload of security that might just notice the two >> SMOOSH PEOPLE WITH FEET. >> It's unclear whether he wants to smoosh

[24:28] people with his feet or specifically only smoosh people with feet. One is an issue of monster squid anatomy and the other is oddly prejudiced. Philip's cosplay, despite repeated wardrobe malfunctions, is as impressive as it is

[24:42] borderline offensive. >> Now you want to make movies. You've >> Guys, guys, guys, where's the trust? >> It could be lost in the fact that you've decided to tell them all about the plan. >> When those cameras start rolling, we're

[24:55] going to conjure Irene. >> Let's talk about the villain's plan. Why start rolling? Why not just unleash Irene now? And if Irene is the big bad monsters, why the [ __ ] did he need to defrost Howard and Phillips?

[25:09] >> Uh, destroyed. >> The [ __ ] does Henry care again? The the biggest bad guy and work for them. Well, here they sit. Three of the biggest bads you could find, and Henry is suddenly gunshy about helping them.

[25:23] Benny Hill reference, but not sped up enough for it to go by without having to watch it at all. They worked through the night and into the day as if they knew this would be the one day not a single [ __ ] would be coming in to work. Or at

[25:36] least drive by and see the gaping hole in the perimeter wall and alert the >> Jim Jimmy. >> This movie references so [ __ ] hard that it actually managed to reference a reference that wasn't even a reference

[25:48] reference that wasn't even a reference at the time of filming. >> Hipsters >> feast on our modest offering. That's nugget and expecting the lion to even notice. Irene decides to store the book

[26:03] so that the good guys can use it later instead of destroying it immediately and The land wasn't removed from this sign until 1949. I am starting to think even the blob ripoff element of this film isn't concerned with strict historical

[26:17] far too quick and has nothing to do with the broad narrative of the movie. >> What a perfect day this has been. Movie has time for this subplot whose only else can cut in front of him in the subjugating Earthline.

[26:31] >> Irony laced skip. >> Well, he's no match for my robot >> Confusing unrealistic expectations for romance. FIRE. >> I SEE THEY'RE FOLLOWING SUN Soo's

[26:44] classic battle strategy of get as close as you possibly can and don't fire until then forget to fire entirely. >> Hey, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? [screaming] minion erotica market. >> Ivy, finish him.

[27:00] >> I don't like, agree, condone, or permit any of the places my brain is going right now. This convenient ramp feels like a Fast and Furious homage. Well, it's succeeded in making me furious very fast. James doing this car as if it's a

[27:12] boat with a rudder and the car in water agreeing with that assessment. agreeing with that assessment. [screaming] military men. and that being proven the correct choice. The entire purpose of

[27:26] the Jesse Eisenberg robo side plot was to lead to this deis exortioner moment >> WE'VE GOT >> BUT I've got minions. >> All available evidence suggests that this should be a hindrance, not a help.

[27:41] Also, there are always exactly as many minions as the scene requires. My head cannon is that they pop in and out of a pocket universe according to the whims mode when bubble bath mode is an option for your doing a Star Wars finale.

[27:54] >> No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. >> Saying this instead of preventing them from actually saying the magic words. Sure, your face tentacled self is useless, but you have a giant fish and squid thing right behind you, sir.

[28:06] >> All was right in the world. >> That's a bold way to say you hate LA. >> And get this, Ed had never stopped filming. But since he appears to have only had the one camera with 15 minutes of film, all the footage was essentially

[28:20] unusable garbage, which is precisely why we're only celebrating James and Henry in this exhibit. [applause and cheering] >> Movie cheerers. >> I have questions. Who carried the couch?

[28:33] couch? >> Fun for the whole family. >> This works. Dad, >> the fact that this is a movie within a movie means I could forgive a lot of the supposed sins around historical

[28:46] inaccuracies. And yet I will not. >> Well, at least this final reference mean there is literally no other stories left to tell with The Minions. It's done. to tell with The Minions. It's done. Finished. Over. No more movies. I said

[28:59] no more. The only way this film could add a third female character was to weird magic one at the very end. As the credits finally roll, I'm left realizing that someone really crafted a fun, if anacronistic, tribute to Hollywood for

[29:12] looked at the second half and thought, "Fuck it, monsters." Thinking your movie can't be complete without some postredits gratuitous grudity.