Rockstar's Table Tennis: Full Breakdown & Transcript

[00:00] The year is 2006, bye bye, hello, and welcome to my kitchen where it is 2006.

[00:15] The Xbox 360 just dropped and the seventh generation of gaming has officially begun. Ah, but when it comes to the previous generation, one company could easily be crowned as the

[00:27] Titan of the industry releasing hit after hit after hit. That company's name, madcats games, just kidding. Rockstar games. And their biggest hit, Grand Theft Auto, San Andreas.

[00:39] A critically acclaimed boundary pushing cultural juggernaut that eventually became the best-selling PS2 game of all time by like a lot. And then seeking was modded into every game ever made every time as well. But San Andreas was also a magnet for controversy. Video game violence naysayers would

[00:58] be the least of rockstar's concerns once a secret S-E-X. I'm spelling it out because my small dog is in the kitchen right now. Mini-game was found buried in the game's files known

[01:10] as the hot coffee mod. This shocking news caused the game's rating to be re-evaluated by the ESRB to AO adult only I'm spelling it out because my dog is afraid of adults. Forcing stores to pull the game off shelves or keeping it but with a slapped-on AO rating sticker. You can actually still find these

[01:27] online but they are not cheap. Rockstar would patch this stuff out and quickly get an em-rated version back on store shelves but the reputational damage was already done. Between the already controversial

[01:39] violence present in the GTA games, edgy releases like Mannhunt and now you're telling me there's an S-S-X tricky mini-game. Rockstar was quickly becoming the coolest company in the world at least

[01:51] according to Little Brothers everywhere Daily Magazine Global. Please let me watch you play. I'm gonna need to see that game. I know what you're saying. It's not good for me but I know it is. I know it's good for me and I need it inside of me. I need it in my blood. It's good for my livers.

[02:05] It's good for my eyes. So anyways 2006, dawn of the 7th gen and everyone is waiting with baited breath. To see how rockstar, notorious bad boy billionaire, is going to push the controversial boundary

[02:17] this time. Let's see. Okay. But, uh, Timothy Xiaoli wasn't even born yet.

[02:29] I remember being a beautiful, precocious, gorgeous baby boy,

[02:42] waltzing into game stop in the mall, seeing this game on display and just waiting for some sort of punchline. Was rockstar seriously making a rated e-game about table tennis? To my knowledge,

[02:54] this is the only game ever developed by rockstar to receive an e rating and one of only three games ever published by rockstar to get an e. A company and of course by monster truckman Ness 64 and earthworm gym 3d, also known as the thinking man's blunt rotation. Many people at the time theorized

[03:11] that table tennis was a joke only made as a big f-u to anyone who criticized rockstar in their frequent reliance on all things controversial. Just listen to this quote from lead designer Benjamin Johnson

[03:23] regarding the game's reveal to the public. It was bizarre seeing people sit down and hold a controller and they're like, they're waiting on somebody to run out from the crowd and mug me or mug one of the characters. I'm like, not dude, it's just a table tennis game, chill the f*** out.

[03:39] But years later in like 2012, pre-apocalyptic events, well obviously, I found this game in a bargain bin at Shopco, which yes has a K in it. But unlike GTA or Shopco, table tennis does not have a K-47,

[03:52] anywhere to be seen or anything satirical or violent or controversial whatsoever. No flying cars cheat this time mom, don't worry, the minivan has got all toes down in the garage, you're okay.

[04:05] And once I actually played this game, I realized that maybe the punchline wasn't this game's existence, but that rockstar was dead serious about making the best table tennis game this side of my kitchen has ever seen. Many at the time wrote off this $40 disc as a glorified tech demo for

[04:21] Rockstar's new Rockstar Advanced Game Engine, aka Rage, intrigued only by the concept of what a theoretical GTA and HD might look like. But Rockstar said, no, no, no, this is not some half-ass demo,

[04:35] this is a full on table tennis simulation with detailed ball physics and cloth physics and hair physics. And some of the most impressive animations and models ever seen at the time that somehow still hold

[04:47] up 20 years later, all accompanied by supremely satisfying audio design and an incredible selection of like techno and house music that is all in service to put you into a peak rally-induced flow state.

[04:59] Table tennis was developed by Rockstar San Diego, who was really only known for the midnight club series, but would go on to make a little game called Red Dead Redemption. So table tennis is really kind of the progenitor for all of Rockstar's biggest games. Oh, you love how beautifully rendered

[05:15] Arthur Morgan is as he emotes across the American frontier, looping slammed so that Arthur Morgan could ham it up in chin lag with every single person he meets. I talked to every single person in the video game world and not a lot of people in real life. You know, I told my therapist that one time

[05:30] and all he said was, chat, this is so fucking sad. Use code therapist for your first $500 deposit on gamble, gamble, gamble, gamble, gamble, gamble, gamble, gamble. The title of this video is obviously a bit hyperbolic, but be honest with me for a second Twitch chat, have you ever played this game?

[05:46] Have you ever even heard of this game or are you perchance some sort of uncultured toad specimen? If the answer to any of those is no, or I guess yes, can I please teach you how to play this game so

[05:59] that someone other than me and my friend Cameron are playing it online? We literally only match with each other when we play online because yes, you could still play it online. Please play with us. Wait, why are you saying no? It's because the toad thing. It's because I literally called you a toad

[06:17] specimen like five seconds ago. That's on me. And I hope to gain your trust back. Honestly, I'm a straight shooter. I call it like it is. I call you a toad specimen. You don't play the game with me.

[06:31] And I accept that. And I think honestly, if we use code therapists, we can 10x skate is not this game. But it is a game. I imagine a lot more of you have actually played. Well, you know how

[06:43] in skate, the left stick controls your guy and the right stick controls your board. Table tennis is kind of like that except the board is your paddle. And well, you don't have a team mobile sidekick or p-rod, but you know what you do have gratitude for your existence. The direction of the right stick

[06:57] will dictate the type of spin you apply to the ball, the color correlating to the corresponding face buttons, ABXY, which you can also use if you prefer to spell. Once the ball is heading your way, you can begin holding a direction to start charging the power of your shot. Once you begin charging,

[07:12] the left stick no longer controls your athlete, but controls the direction of the ball, both left to right and also distance from the net. As you are aiming the ball, the controller will begin to vibrate and will vibrate more violently the closer you are to the edge of the table or the net. As you successfully

[07:28] charge shots, your focus meter will begin to fill. Once full, you will automatically enter full focus mode, where your shots become faster and more accurate. You can also manually consume some of your bar by holding right bumper and doing a focus shot, which helps if you're trying to make a really

[07:43] desperate save or if you just really want to slam that thing with a lot of accuracy and speed. Service starts quietly, but as the rally builds, the music fades in. And if both competitors reach max focus, the lights dim and the sounds begin to echo. This, my anonymous viewer, is Rockstar table tennis.

[08:03] The first time you successfully slam that ball to the edge of the table and make it spin off into

[08:18] the cosmos after a long rally, you will understand why this game is so beloved by those who have chosen to serve, but mostly just me and Cameron. Yeah, I just hacked into this video. You know how? Because my

[08:33] client here wasn't using a VPN to protect his IP address. Hi, I'm Jakey, Jakey, and Jakey, a turries at wall. Thank you to NordVPN for collaborating on this video. The internet is a scary freaky place and your IP address shouldn't just be floating around out there naked and raw for

[08:49] any nefarious freak to see, but fear not because NordVPN is here to be your IP's sheath. Using NordVPN to hide your IP address helps protect against horrible threats like DDoS attacks, where someone sends a

[09:01] boatload of data to your IP to try and bring down your network. Do not flood my packets. I do not like stuff like that. Using NordVPN, any DDoS attacks are absorbed by Nord's strong brave beautiful VPN

[09:15] servers. And with threat protection pro, NordVPN can detect at least 85% of phishing websites trying to trick you and steal your valuable information. Do not try to trick me. When I'm traveling on my very important lawyer trips to places like London, I wish that I could keep using the American

[09:29] subscription services that I already pay for. Not to worry, love. With NordVPN, I could just connect to the United States and it's like I never even skipped across the pond. By using my special link, nordvpn.com slash an achy jakey, you can get four months extra with the two-year plan. And there's

[09:46] even a 30-day money back guarantee. So protect your IP today. Thanks again to NordVPN for collaborating on this video. And now let's get back to the worldwide debut of the feature-length film, Jarty Jopri.

[09:59] Many reviewers at the time, even those who loved the gameplay, criticized the game for a lack of content given the $40 price tag. And honestly, I think that's pretty fair. You can do exhibition matches. You can do tournaments of very difficulty. You could play online when people were actually

[10:15] playing. Please play with me. That's it. Much like me struggling to maintain eye contact with the barista as I order my coffee, table tennis does one thing, but it does that one thing exceptionally well.

[10:28] Every time. Without fail. Table tennis was eventually ported to the Wii as well, which I know sounds great and theory, but I think it practically loses everything that makes this game so special and unique.

[10:40] With the default control scheme, your movement is automated. And because the regular we-mote motion sensing isn't very advanced, you flick in the general direction of the table you want the ball to go in, but you control the spin by holding a direction on the D-pad. You can connect a nunchuck

[10:56] to control your athlete and guide your chocolate like. At that point, why would you opt to shake plastic and look at ugly graphics when the 360 version is literally right there? I can literally see it.

[11:08] It's like peeking around the corner like it's doing some sort of stealth mission. Why is why is it set up like that? In an age where so many games are trying to have hundreds of hours of bloated gameplay in every possible mechanic thrown into the kitchen sink. Shout out to my kitchen sink.

[11:22] Often resulting in just being kind of like a jack of all trade situation. Yes, I am referring to Crimson Desert, which I will probably be making a video about on my second channel ball creative if you don't know. We're over there. We're doing unscripted reviews. We're doing live streams. Please stop

[11:36] by. Please clap. It's really refreshing to return to something so simple yet instantly engaging. It's a type of sports game that is unfortunately super uncommon nowadays with these copy-paced micro-transaction milky for every penny inside of your body annual franchises. It's a game made with

[11:55] sauce. The way the replays look, the little emotes and unique personalities of each character, the way this game slows down cinematically for the focus shots, the way that back sweats slowly

[12:07] accumulates after intense rallies are me when I'm recording a video in a small hot room. I mean, for Chris Sixth, the manual has a history of table tennis in it, along with expanded details on every character's strengths and weaknesses. Just imagine if another revered AAA developer made a conventional

[12:24] sports game. Imagine if Naughty Dog's next big game was a basketball simulation, but it had all the same production value in acting and writing that they're known for in like an actually good story in its campaign. I would be over the moon to play a sports game like that. Another thing about table tennis

[12:40] that I've failed to mention yet is that it gets pretty damn hard. Like, back when I used to play this game in high school, I could sometimes beat the CPU on hard difficulty, but expert hell no dude,

[12:52] these freaks are streamers, but this time I'm not a 17 year old with backsits and a beautiful smile in the heart of a gentle hustler. I'm a 31 year old with backsits and a beautiful smile in the heart

[13:05] of a gentle hustler and I am determined to beat this game on expert. This isn't just a video about rockstar table tennis. This is a video about me trying to beat rockstar table tennis.

[13:20] Tournaments are very arcade-y and that you have to win two games to 11, but even if you lose, you can just rematch that same opponent like hitting a continue-in-street fighter. In order to play expert, I first had to complete the hard tournament. My athlete of choice? Yespert is a gorgeously

[13:35] tall Swedish man with a wide reach and the highest power rating in the game. Remind you of anyone Yes, whereas other stats are all pretty much asked, but his primary strength is his forehand topspin slams. So this basically means my tactic most of the time is to just hit the ball as hard

[13:51] as I possibly can. I breeze through the first few opponents experiencing some really fun rallies along way. This game was so good, but my first real hurdle was salamond. Oh my god, his backhand topspin

[14:18] is so crazy, his serves are diabolical and his reactions were so much faster than anything else I had experienced. Oh my god, he's so fast. It was abundantly clear at this point that my

[14:30] power level wasn't nowhere near expert and I needed all the help I could get. Unfortunately, because apparently nobody plays this game anymore, my resources were pretty slim, but I did happen to find an extremely comprehensive guide on a familiar website. My third table tennis general

[14:46] instinct is true, true chief and calm, true chief and calm. Even when I was down, true achievements picked me right back up. When I had no one else, T.A. was there, dude, I might love T.A.

[15:03] I might get T.A. Tatted on my shit. This detailed guide not only broke down every character, but exposed me to something that my brittle, inexperienced juvenile gamer brain had never even

[15:15] thought about serving an ace. How to serve an ace? Yes, bro, standard position. Four slash five steps on the right, one slash two steps back, load the black bar to when it hits the max for the third time, up down, up down, up down. One, two, three, four. One, two,

[15:35] aim to the left. Okay, it wasn't quite max charge. I did feel somewhat conflicted about using this exploit, but also this kind of reminded me the

[15:50] first time I played Dark Souls where I was just like, listen man, I'm taking whatever help I can get, I'm using the best weapons, I'm dupping souls, we can leave the gamer pride for the other runs, I just want to get to the end of this thing. However, at least with Jesper, the service ace didn't

[16:04] always work against every opponent every time, such as Kumi who is sometimes able to hit it back, so I had to stay on my sweetest toes. I had a nice comeback during a close first game, but then I did

[16:16] this. Followed by a stomp in game two with this psycho finishing blow.

[16:48] Young Su couldn't handle the ace, Yurgen wasn't much different, hard tournament completed. Largely due to the help of Sensei TrueChiefments.com, but now it was time for the main event.

[17:04] I faced Lu Ping first, which meant he was way easier and the ace worked and I just destroyed him. Haley was next and got completely destroyed as well. As did Luuk, and then I was thinking like man,

[17:16] maybe this isn't going to be so bad after all. Even Salaman, my rival in the hard tournament was surprisingly easy on expert. In large part due to the ace serve actually consistently working, but I was also consistently working him even during his serves. I was growing stronger, more resilient. My gamer

[17:36] body was becoming one with the table.

[18:06] I have a purpose, you don't, and if you think that's some sort of blessing, it's not. It puts me

[18:21] a huge life disadvantage. It means I have an obligation to see a very specific thing through it. With that obligation comes sacrifice. My life is the product of all the choices I've had in me. Your life is the product. I don't even know what your life is the product of it. You just

[18:33] try to make it up as you go along, because that's the kind of dog you are. That's not the kind of person I am, okay? Carmen got freaking annihilated. 11 to 1 twice. Two times in a row. Retire! Retire!

[18:45] Retire! Retire! Retire! Cassidy, are you guys sure you're experts? Youngsu was more of what I expected. He beat my giant Swedish ass into the ground two games in a row. Youngsu required such a

[18:57] specific spot on the serve meter for the ace to work that after many failed attempts I eventually just gave up on doing it and decided to beat him the old fashioned way. Using my most valuable asset, my gaming mind. Game 2 required a crazy comeback and brother I aimed to meet the PC requirements

[19:24] to run this comeback. This was by far the most intense game of table tennis I had played up until this point.

[20:00] Oh, allow me to introduce you to Mark, the second to last boss in the expert tournament that may as well have been the fucking final boss. The A-serve just straight up does not work on Mark, no matter what you do, but you know

[20:13] what does work? Me, except not really because I threw the first game by hitting it into the net and had to immediately derog to defuse my burning intense fiery passionate gamer rage. Game 2 went to OT and I pushed that tiny white ball to the absolute freaking edges of

[20:29] the earth.

[20:45] Game 3 was like when trunks teleported out of nowhere and just cut, freeze it in half. I was operating on a higher plane of existence. I knew what Mark was going to do before he even did. I was becoming a fully sentient table tennis warrior.

[21:17] Let's go. Jürgen, the final boss, everything led me to this moment. And I took game 1 very quickly because the A-serve worked without fail and it felt very anti-climactic.

[21:29] So I said to myself, I said, you know what, no, I do have gamer pride and that sounds like something racist, but that's not what I mean. I gotta do this without using the power invested in true achievements.com. I gotta do this using the greatest resource of all, combining my gamer hands with my

[21:46] gamer mind and using my gamer heart. Game 2 unfortunately was Jürgen's city because my safety blanket of the A-serve was no longer there and I needed to adapt fast. My blade was sharp but his steel was sharper, more agile, more rare jewels and crusted into

[22:04] the handle. But my gamer heart was resilient and everybody knows when gamers are down, say it with me chat, they don't stay down, courses don't stop and I don't f***ing stop either.

[22:48] I had run away with a hefty lead, a lead that unfortunately was starting to slip through my hands.

[23:02] I just needed to lock in, I needed my gamer heart to work in perfect harmony with my gamer

[23:17] vessel, my beautiful brave warrior, yes but I needed us to connect like when the tales infuse when they're doing it in the avatar, but could I do it?

[23:46] I had done it, I had conquered a beast that 17 year old me couldn't even dream of. 17 year old me could barely read the name tags and to celebrate I played online with the only other living competitors still playing this game, my friend Cameron and we had an absolute

[24:03] blast. Which brings me to the whole inspiration for making this video. Please play with us. On April 18th, which is tomorrow if you're watching this video the day it came out and may second I will be playing this game from 1 to 5 p.m. roughly EST and live streaming it

[24:21] on the ball creative second channel. If you go to player match and choose time tournament you will very likely be able to join one of the eight player lobbies that I will be running where it's around Robin tournament I think to like games of 5, but even if you can't join you should be able to spectate because that's

[24:37] a thing. I don't know, I haven't been able to test it because no one's playing, apparently there's a voice chat if you have an Xbox headset that is likely going to be really problematic but probably really funny I'm going to try to get my headset working for that.

[24:49] So please play with us if you want, if you can I'm pretty sure it's really cheap on the store. Thank you so much for watching my video. I love to make a video like this. I am having fun this year, I am making more stuff more often.

[25:02] We are not existential crisis thing anymore anyways. I hope to see you over on ball creative for the table tennis tournaments and I hope that you're springing into spring and that you are filled with gratitude and love in your heart.

[25:14] Be well, farewell from 2006.