The Best Sports Game Nobody Played

[00:00] The year

[00:03] is 2006.

[00:08] Bye-bye. Hello and welcome to my kitchen

[00:12] where it is 2006. The Xbox 360 just

[00:16] dropped in the seventh generation of

[00:18] gaming has officially begun. Ah, but

[00:21] when it comes to the previous

[00:23] generation, one company could easily be

[00:26] crowned as the titan of the industry,

[00:28] releasing hit after hit after hit. That

[00:31] company's name, Mad Cats Games. Just

[00:34] kidding. Rockstar Games. And their

[00:36] biggest hit, Grand Theft Auto San

[00:38] Andreas. A critically acclaimed boundary

[00:40] pushing cultural juggernaut that

[00:42] eventually became the bestselling PS2

[00:44] game of all time by like a lot. And then

[00:47] CJ was modded into every game ever made

[00:49] every time as well.

[00:52] >> All right.

[00:52] >> But San Andreas was also a magnet for

[00:55] controversy. Video game violence

[00:57] naysayers would be the least of

[00:59] Rockstar's concerns. Once a secret s

[01:03] I'm spelling it out because my small dog

[01:05] is in the kitchen right now. Miniame was

[01:07] found buried in the game's files known

[01:10] as the hot coffee mod. This shocking

[01:12] news caused the game's rating to be

[01:14] re-evaluated by the ESRB to AO, adults

[01:17] only. I'm spelling it out cuz my dog is

[01:19] afraid of adults, forcing stores to pull

[01:21] the game off shelves or keeping it, but

[01:23] with a slapped-on AO rating sticker. You

[01:25] can actually still find these online,

[01:27] but they are NOT CHEAP.

[01:30] Rockstar would patch this stuff out and

[01:31] quickly get an M-rated version back on

[01:33] store shelves, but the reputational

[01:35] damage was already done. Between the

[01:37] already controversial violence present

[01:40] in the GTA games, edgy releases like

[01:42] Manhunt, and now you're telling me

[01:44] there's an SSX tricky miniame, Rockstar

[01:47] was quickly becoming the coolest company

[01:50] in the world. At least according to

[01:51] Little Brothers Everywhere, Daily

[01:53] Magazine Global. Please let me watch you

[01:55] play. I'm going to need to see that

[01:57] game. I know you're saying it's not good

[01:59] for me, but I know it is. I know it's

[02:01] good for me, and I need it inside of me.

[02:02] I need it in my blood. I It's good for

[02:04] my livers. It's good for my eyes. So

[02:06] anyways, 2006, dawn of the seventh gen,

[02:08] and everyone is waiting with baited

[02:10] breath

[02:10] >> to see how Rockstar, notorious bad boy

[02:13] billionaire, is going to push the

[02:15] controversial boundary this time. Let's

[02:18] see.

[02:21] Okay,

[02:25] but

[02:27] Timothy Shal wasn't even born yet.

[02:36] I remember being a beautiful,

[02:39] precocious, gorgeous baby boy, waltzing

[02:42] into GameStop in the mall, seeing this

[02:44] game on display,

[02:46] and just waiting for some sort of

[02:48] punchline. Was Rockstar seriously making

[02:51] a rated E game about table tennis? To my

[02:54] knowledge, this is the only game ever

[02:55] developed by Rockstar to receive an E

[02:57] rating and one of only three games ever

[03:00] published by Rockstar to get an E.

[03:02] Accompanied, of course, by Monster Truck

[03:04] Madness 64 and Earthworm Gym 3D, also

[03:07] known as The Thinking Man's Blunt

[03:08] Rotation. Many people at the time

[03:10] theorized that table tennis was a joke,

[03:13] only made as a big FU to anyone who

[03:15] criticized Rockstar in their frequent

[03:17] reliance on all things controversial.

[03:20] Just listen to this quote from lead

[03:21] designer Benjamin Johnson regarding the

[03:23] game's reveal to the public.

[03:25] >> It was bizarre seeing people sit down

[03:27] and hold a controller and they're like

[03:29] they're waiting on somebody to run out

[03:31] from the crowd and mug me or mug one of

[03:34] the characters. I'm like, "No, dude.

[03:36] It's just a table tennis game. Chill the

[03:38] [ __ ] out."

[03:38] >> But years later in like 2012, pre-apoc

[03:41] apocalyptic events, obviously, I found

[03:43] this game in a bargain bin at Shopco,

[03:45] which yes, has a K in it. But unlike GTA

[03:48] or Shopco, table tennis does not have a

[03:50] K47

[03:52] anywhere to be seen or anything

[03:54] satirical or violent or controversial

[03:56] whatsoever. No flying cars cheat this

[03:59] time, Mom. Don't worry, the minivan is

[04:01] got all toes all toes down in the

[04:03] garage. You're okay. And once I actually

[04:05] played this game, I realized that maybe

[04:08] the punchline wasn't this game's

[04:09] existence, but that Rockstar was dead

[04:12] serious about making the best table

[04:14] tennis game this side of my kitchen has

[04:16] ever seen. Many at the time wrote off

[04:18] this $40 disc as a glorified tech demo

[04:21] for Rockstar's new Rockstar Advanced

[04:23] Game Engine, aka Rage, intrigued only by

[04:26] the concept of what a theoretical GTA in

[04:29] HD might look like. But Rockstar said,

[04:31] "No, no, no. This is not some half-ass

[04:34] demo. This is a fullon table tennis

[04:37] simulation with detailed ball physics

[04:40] and cloth physics and hair physics and

[04:42] some of the most impressive animations

[04:44] and models ever seen at the time that

[04:46] somehow still hold up 20 years later.

[04:48] All accompanied by supremely satisfying

[04:50] audio design and an incredible selection

[04:53] of like techno and house music that is

[04:55] all in service to put you into a peak

[04:57] rallyinduced flow state. Table Tennis

[04:59] was developed by Rockstar San Diego, who

[05:01] was really only known for the Midnight

[05:03] Club series, but would go on to make a

[05:05] little game called Red Dead Redemption.

[05:07] So, Table Tennis is really kind of the

[05:10] progenitor for all of Rockstar's biggest

[05:12] games. Oh, you love how beautifully

[05:14] rendered Arthur Morgan is as he emotes

[05:16] across the American frontier. Lu Ping

[05:18] slammed so that Arthur Morgan could ham

[05:20] it up and chinwag with every single

[05:23] person he meets. I talked to every

[05:25] single person in the video game world

[05:26] and not a lot of people in real life,

[05:28] you know? I told my therapist that one

[05:30] time and all he said was, "Chad, this is

[05:32] soing sad. Use code therapist for your

[05:35] first $500 deposit on gamble, gamble,

[05:38] gamble gamble gamble gamble gamble

[05:39] game. The title of this video is

[05:40] obviously a bit hyperbolic, but be

[05:42] honest with me for a second, Twitch

[05:43] chat. Have you ever played this game?

[05:45] Have you ever even heard of this game?

[05:48] Or are you per chance some sort of

[05:49] uncultured toad uh specimen? If the

[05:53] answer to any of those is no, or I guess

[05:56] yes, can I please teach you how to play

[05:58] this game so that someone other than me

[06:00] and my friend Cameron are playing it

[06:02] online? We literally only match with

[06:04] each other when we play online. Cuz yes,

[06:05] you could still play it online. Please

[06:07] play with us.

[06:09] Wait, why are you saying no? It's

[06:12] It's cuz the It's cuz the toad thing.

[06:14] It's cuz I literally called you a toad

[06:16] specimen like 5 seconds ago. That's on

[06:19] me and I hope to gain your trust back.

[06:24] Honestly, I I'm I'm a I'm a straight

[06:26] shooter. I call it like it is. I call

[06:28] you a toad specimen. You don't play the

[06:30] game with me. And I accept that. And I

[06:32] think honestly if we use code therapist,

[06:34] we can 10x skate

[06:37] is not this game. But it is a game I

[06:40] imagine a lot more of you have actually

[06:42] played. Well, you know how in skate the

[06:43] left stick controls your guy and the

[06:45] right stick controls your board? Table

[06:47] tennis is kind of like that except the

[06:48] board is your paddle. And well, you

[06:50] don't have a T-Mobile sidekick or P-

[06:52] rod, but you know what? You do have

[06:54] gratitude for your existence. The

[06:56] direction of the right stick will

[06:57] dictate the type of spin you apply to

[06:59] the ball. Uh the color correlating to

[07:00] the corresponding face buttons aby,

[07:03] which you can also use if you prefer to

[07:05] spell. Once the ball is heading your

[07:07] way, you can begin holding a direction

[07:09] to start charging the power of your

[07:11] shot. Once you begin charging, the left

[07:12] stick no longer controls your athlete,

[07:14] but controls the direction of the ball,

[07:17] both left to right and also distance

[07:19] from the net. As you are aiming the

[07:20] ball, the controller will begin to

[07:22] vibrate and will vibrate more violently

[07:24] the closer you are to the edge of the

[07:25] table or the net. As you successfully

[07:28] charge shots, your focus meter will

[07:29] begin to fill. Once full, you will

[07:31] automatically enter full focus mode,

[07:33] where your shots become faster and more

[07:35] accurate. You can also manually consume

[07:37] some of your bar by holding right bumper

[07:39] and doing a focus shot, which helps if

[07:41] you're trying to make a really desperate

[07:43] save, or if you just really want to slam

[07:45] that thing with a lot of accuracy and

[07:47] speed. Service starts quietly, but as

[07:49] the rally builds, the music fades in.

[07:52] And if both competitors reach max focus,

[07:55] the lights dim and the sounds begin to

[07:58] echo. This, my anonymous viewer, is

[08:01] Rockstar Table Tennis.

[08:13] The first time you successfully slam

[08:15] that ball to the edge of the table and

[08:17] make it spin off into the cosmos after a

[08:19] long rally, you will understand why this

[08:21] game is so beloved by those who have

[08:24] chosen to serve. But mostly just me and

[08:27] Cameron.

[08:29] Yeah, I just hacked into this video. You

[08:32] know how? because my client here wasn't

[08:34] using a VPN to protect his IP address.

[08:36] Hi, I'm Jakey. Jakey and Jinky,

[08:39] Attorneys at Law. Thank you to NordVPN

[08:41] for collaborating on this video. The

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[09:53] let's get back to the worldwide uh debut

[09:56] of the featurelength film Jardy [ __ ]

[09:59] Many reviewers at the time, even those

[10:01] who loved the gameplay, criticized the

[10:03] game for a lack of content given the $40

[10:05] price tag. And honestly, I think that's

[10:07] pretty fair. You can do exhibition

[10:09] matches. You can do tournaments of

[10:11] varying difficulty. You could play

[10:13] online when people were actually

[10:14] playing. Please play with me. That's it.

[10:17] Much like me, struggling to maintain eye

[10:19] contact with the barista as I order my

[10:21] coffee, table tennis does one thing, but

[10:24] it does that one thing exceptionally

[10:26] well.

[10:28] Every time without fail. Table tennis

[10:31] was eventually ported to the Wii as

[10:32] well, which I know sounds great in

[10:34] theory, but I think it practically loses

[10:37] everything that makes this game so

[10:39] special and unique. With the default

[10:40] control scheme, your movement is

[10:42] automated. And because the regular Wii

[10:44] remote motion sensing isn't very

[10:47] advanced, you flick in the general

[10:49] direction of the table you want the ball

[10:51] to go in, but you control the spin by

[10:53] holding a direction on the D-pad. You

[10:55] can connect a nunchuk to control your

[10:57] athlete and guide your shots, but like

[10:59] at that point, why would you opt to

[11:01] shake plastic and look at ugly graphics

[11:04] when the 360 version is literally right

[11:06] there? I can literally see it. It's like

[11:08] peeking around the corner like it's

[11:09] doing some sort of stealth mission. Why

[11:11] is Why is it set up like that? In an age

[11:13] where so many games are trying to have

[11:15] hundreds of hours of bloated gameplay

[11:17] and every possible mechanic thrown into

[11:19] the kitchen sink. Shout out to my

[11:21] kitchen sink. Often resulting in just

[11:23] being kind of like a jack of all trades

[11:24] situation. Yes, I am referring to

[11:26] Crimson Desert, which I will probably be

[11:28] making a video about on my second

[11:30] channel, Ball Creative. If you don't

[11:31] know, we're over there. We're doing

[11:32] unscripted reviews. We're doing live

[11:34] streams. Please stop by. Please clap.

[11:37] It's really refreshing to return to

[11:38] something so simple yet instantly

[11:41] engaging. It's a type of sports game

[11:42] that is unfortunately super uncommon

[11:45] nowadays with these copypaste

[11:46] microtransaction milk you for every

[11:49] penny inside of your body annual

[11:51] franchises. It's a game made with sauce.

[11:55] The way the replays look, the little

[11:58] emotes and unique personalities of each

[12:00] character, the way the game slows down

[12:03] cinematically for the focus shots, the

[12:05] way that back sweat slowly accumulates

[12:07] after intense rallies or me when I'm

[12:09] recording a video in a small hot room. I

[12:11] mean, for Chris sakes, the manual has a

[12:14] history of table tennis in it along with

[12:16] expanded details on every character's

[12:18] strengths and weaknesses. Just imagine

[12:20] if another revered AAA developer made a

[12:23] conventional sports game. Like imagine

[12:25] if Naughty Dog's next big game was a

[12:27] basketball simulation, but it had all

[12:29] the same production value and acting and

[12:31] writing that they're known for and like

[12:33] an actually good story in its campaign.

[12:36] I would be over the moon to play a

[12:38] sports game like that. Another thing

[12:39] about Table Tennis that I failed to

[12:40] mention yet is that it gets pretty damn

[12:43] hard. Like back when I used to play this

[12:45] game in high school, I could sometimes

[12:47] beat the CPU on hard difficulty, but

[12:49] expert, hell no, dude. These freaks are

[12:52] streamers. But this time, I'm not a

[12:55] 17-year-old with back zits and a

[12:58] beautiful smile and the heart of a

[12:59] gentle hustler. I'm a 31-year-old with

[13:02] back sits and a beautiful smile in the

[13:04] heart of a gentle hustler. And I am

[13:06] determined to beat this game on expert.

[13:09] This isn't just a video about Rockstar

[13:11] table tennis. This is a video about me

[13:14] trying to beat Rockstar table tennis.

[13:20] Tournaments are very arcadey and that

[13:21] you have to win two games to 11, but

[13:23] even if you lose, you can just rematch

[13:25] that same opponent like hitting a

[13:27] continue in Street Fighter. In order to

[13:29] play expert, I first had to complete the

[13:31] hard tournament. My athlete of choice,

[13:33] Yesper, is a gorgeously tall Swedish man

[13:35] with a wide reach and the highest power

[13:37] rating in the game. Remind you of anyone

[13:39] you know? Yesper's other stats are all

[13:41] pretty much ass, but his primary

[13:43] strength is his forehand top spin slams.

[13:46] So, this basically means my tactic most

[13:48] of the time is to just hit the ball as

[13:50] hard as I possibly can. I breeze through

[13:53] the first few opponents, experiencing

[13:54] some really fun rallies along the way.

[14:10] This game is so good. But my first real

[14:13] hurdle was Slayan. Oh my god, his

[14:16] backhand top spin is so crazy. His

[14:19] serves are diabolical and his reactions

[14:21] were so much faster than anything else I

[14:24] had experienced.

[14:26] Oh my god, he's so fast. It was

[14:28] abundantly clear at this point that my

[14:30] power level was nowhere near expert and

[14:33] I needed all the help I could get.

[14:34] Unfortunately, because apparently nobody

[14:36] plays this game anymore, my resources

[14:38] were pretty slim. But I did happen to

[14:40] find an extremely comprehensive guide on

[14:43] a familiar website. Where's our table

[14:45] tennis general hints and tennis? True

[14:49] true achievements.com.

[14:51] >> Trueievements.com.

[14:54] >> True achievements.com. Even when I was

[14:56] down, True Achievements picked me right

[14:59] back up. When I had no one else, TA was

[15:01] there. Dude, I might love TA. I might

[15:03] get TA tatted on my [ __ ] This detailed

[15:05] guide not only broke down every

[15:07] character, but exposed me to something

[15:08] that my brittle, inexperienced,

[15:11] juvenile gamer brain had had never even

[15:14] thought about. Serving an ace. How to

[15:17] serve an ace. Yesper. Standard position.

[15:20] Four/5 steps on the right. One/2 steps

[15:24] back. Load the black bar to when it hits

[15:26] the max for the third time. Up down. Up

[15:28] down. Up down. One, two, three, four.

[15:32] One two.

[15:34] Aim to the left.

[15:37] Okay, it wasn't quite max charge.

[15:44] No,

[15:45] >> I did feel somewhat conflicted about

[15:47] using this exploit, but also this kind

[15:49] of reminded me of the first time I

[15:50] played Dark Souls where I was just like,

[15:52] listen, man, I'm taking whatever help I

[15:55] can get. I'm using the best weapons. I'm

[15:56] duping Souls. We can leave the gamer

[15:58] pride for the other runs. I just want to

[16:00] get to the end of this thing. However,

[16:01] at least with Yesper, the service ace

[16:03] didn't always work against every

[16:06] opponent every time. Such as Kumi, who

[16:08] was sometimes able to hit it back, so I

[16:10] had to stay on my sweetest toes. I had a

[16:12] nice comeback during a close first game,

[16:14] but then I did this.

[16:43] Yes sir.

[16:44] >> Followed by a stomp in game two with

[16:46] this psycho finishing blow.

[16:52] >> Sweden takes the match. Young Su

[16:54] couldn't handle the ace. Jurgen wasn't

[16:56] much different. Hard tournament

[16:58] completed largely due to the help of

[17:00] sensei trueachchievements.com.

[17:02] But now it was time for the main event.

[17:04] I faced Lu Ping first which meant he was

[17:06] way easier and the ace worked and I just

[17:09] destroyed him. Haley was next and got

[17:11] completely destroyed as well as did

[17:13] Luke. And then I was thinking like man

[17:16] maybe this isn't going to be so bad

[17:17] after all. Even Sleman, my rival in the

[17:20] hard tournament, was surprisingly easy

[17:22] on expert in large part due to the A

[17:24] serve actually consistently working. But

[17:26] I was also consistently working him even

[17:29] during his serves. I was growing

[17:32] stronger, more resilient. My gamer body

[17:36] was becoming one with the table.

[17:42] All

[18:11] right. I got to tell you something,

[18:13] Daddy. All right? It's not intended to

[18:15] be me. I have a purpose. You don't. And

[18:19] if you think that's some sort of

[18:20] blessing, it's not. It puts me at a huge

[18:21] life disadvantage. It means I have an

[18:23] obligation to see a very specific thing

[18:25] through. And with that obligation comes

[18:26] sacrifice. Okay? My life is the product

[18:29] of all of the choices I've had to make.

[18:31] Your life is the product. I don't even

[18:32] know what your life is the product of.

[18:33] You're just kind of making it up as you

[18:34] go along because that's the kind of dog

[18:35] you are. That's not the kind of person I

[18:37] am. Okay. Carmen got freaking

[18:39] annihilated 11 to1 twice. Two times in a

[18:43] row. RETIRE. RETIRE. RETIRE. RETIRE.

[18:45] CASSIDY. BRO, are you guys sure you're

[18:48] experts? Young Su was more of what I

[18:51] expected. He beat my giant Swedish ass

[18:53] into the ground two games in a row.

[18:55] Young Su required such a specific spot

[18:57] on the serve meter for the ace to work

[18:59] that after many failed attempts, I

[19:01] eventually just gave up on doing it and

[19:02] decided to beat him the oldfashioned

[19:04] way. using my most valuable asset, my

[19:07] gaming mind.

[19:17] Nice. Game two required a crazy

[19:19] comeback, and brother, I aimed to meet

[19:22] the PC requirements to run this

[19:24] comeback. This was by far the most

[19:27] intense game of table tennis I had

[19:29] played up until this point.

[19:59] Let's go. Allow me to introduce you to

[20:02] Mark, the second to last boss in the

[20:05] expert tournament. That may as well have

[20:06] been the final boss. The ace serve just

[20:09] straight up does not work on Mark, no

[20:11] matter what you do. But you know what

[20:12] does work? Me. Except not really,

[20:15] because I threw the first game by

[20:16] hitting it into the net and had to

[20:18] immediately drogue to diffuse my

[20:20] burning intense fiery passionate

[20:22] gamer rage. Game two went to OT and I

[20:25] pushed that tiny white ball to the

[20:27] absolute freaking edges of the earth.

[20:44] Game three was like when Trunks

[20:46] teleported out of nowhere and just cut

[20:48] Frieza in half. I was operating on a

[20:50] higher plane of existence. I knew what

[20:52] Mark was going to do before he even did.

[20:55] I was becoming a fully sentient table

[20:58] tennis warrior.

[21:17] Let's go. Jurgen, the final boss.

[21:20] Everything led me to this moment. And I

[21:23] took game one very quickly because the

[21:25] ace serve worked without fail and it

[21:26] felt very antilimactic. So I says to

[21:29] myself, I says, "You know what? No, I do

[21:32] have gamer pride." And that sounds like

[21:34] something racist, but that's not what I

[21:35] mean. I got to do this without using the

[21:38] power invested in true achievements.com.

[21:40] I got to do this using the greatest

[21:42] resource of all, combining my gamer

[21:45] hands with my gamer mind, and using my

[21:48] gamer heart. Game two, unfortunately,

[21:50] was Jurgen City because my safety

[21:52] blanket of the ace serve was no longer

[21:54] there and I needed to adapt fast. My

[21:57] blade was sharp, but his steel was

[22:00] sharper, more agile, more rare jewels

[22:03] encrusted into the handle. But my gamer

[22:05] heart was resilient. And everybody knows

[22:08] when gamers are down, say it with me,

[22:10] chat, they don't stay down. Horses don't

[22:13] stop. And I don't stop either.

[22:50] match point. I had run away with a hefty

[22:53] lead. A lead that unfortunately was

[22:56] starting to slip through my hands.

[23:11] I just needed to lock in. I needed my

[23:14] gamer heart to work in perfect harmony

[23:16] with my gamer vessel, my beautiful,

[23:18] brave warrior, Yesper. I needed us to

[23:20] connect like when the tails infuse when

[23:23] they're doing it in Avatar. But could I

[23:25] do it?

[23:37] >> Sweden wins the match.

[23:46] >> I had done it. I had conquered a beast.

[23:49] that 17-year-old me couldn't even dream

[23:51] of. 17-year-old me could barely read the

[23:53] name tags. And to celebrate, I played

[23:55] online with the only other living

[23:57] competitor still playing this game, my

[24:00] friend Cameron. And we had an absolute

[24:02] blast. Which brings me to the whole

[24:04] inspiration for making this video.

[24:07] Please play with us. On April 18th,

[24:10] which is tomorrow if you're watching

[24:11] this video the day it came out, and May

[24:13] 2nd, I will be playing this game from 1

[24:16] to 5:00 p.m. roughly, EST, and live

[24:20] streaming it on the Ball Creative second

[24:22] channel. If you go to player match and

[24:24] choose time tournament, you will very

[24:26] likely be able to join one of the eight

[24:28] player lobbies that I will be running

[24:30] where it's a roundroin tournament, I

[24:32] think, to like games of five. But even

[24:34] if you can't join, you should be able to

[24:35] spectate because that's a thing. I don't

[24:37] know. I haven't been able to test it cuz

[24:39] no one's playing. Apparently, there's

[24:40] voice chat if you have an Xbox headset.

[24:42] That is likely going to be really

[24:44] problematic, but probably really funny.

[24:46] I'm going to try to get my headset

[24:47] working for that. So, please play with

[24:50] us if you want if you can. I'm pretty

[24:52] sure it's really cheap on the store.

[24:54] Thank you so much for watching my video.

[24:56] I love to make a video like this. I am

[24:58] having fun this year. I making more

[25:01] stuff more often. We are not existential

[25:03] crisising anymore. Anyways, I hope to

[25:06] see you over on Ball Creative for the

[25:07] table tennis tournaments and I hope that

[25:09] you're springing into spring and that

[25:11] you are filled with gratitude and love

[25:12] in your heart. Be well. Uh, farewell

[25:15] from 2006.