THE tip for meeting women (yes, THE)

[00:00] Hi, internet cook and noted heterosexual

[00:04] Adam Ragusea here. Yes, cooking can

[00:08] absolutely help you to attract a

[00:10] romantic partner, and I hope that I have

[00:12] given my overwhelmingly young and male

[00:15] audience plenty to work with through the

[00:17] years. I do get emails sometimes from

[00:20] fellas who report using a recipe of mine

[00:22] on a date night with things apparently

[00:24] going well afterward.

[00:27] Being a guy who cooks is great, just as

[00:29] long as you aren't obnoxious about it.

[00:32] Just as long as you are sincerely trying

[00:34] to cook somebody something that they

[00:36] will actually enjoy instead of something

[00:38] that you think will impress them. When

[00:40] in doubt, center the other person's

[00:42] pleasure.

[00:44] Being a guy who cooks is great, but on

[00:47] this, the day of my 19th wedding

[00:49] anniversary, I feel both empowered and

[00:53] compelled to offer some more substantive

[00:55] tips on sex and romance. Actually, just

[00:58] one tip. The mother of all tips for

[01:01] young men to find young women with whom

[01:05] they are romantically and sexually

[01:07] compatible.

[01:09] Yes, this tip absolutely is also useful

[01:12] for boys looking to find boys and girls

[01:15] looking to find girls and grown ass

[01:17] women looking to find women or looking

[01:19] to find men or for trans people looking

[01:21] to find whomever they want to share

[01:22] their bed with, perhaps on a mattress

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[02:49] Helix Sleep. Anyway, my one big tip for

[02:53] finding somebody. It is applicable to

[02:55] anyone, but this video is specifically

[02:58] directed at young men looking to find

[03:00] young women. In part because that is

[03:03] where my own expertise lies primarily,

[03:06] but also because young men looking for

[03:08] young women are doing especially badly

[03:11] these days.

[03:13] According to the Survey Center on

[03:15] American Life, 44% of Gen Z guys

[03:20] reported having no girlfriend or

[03:22] boyfriend at all during their teenage

[03:24] years.

[03:26] For Boomer men, that number was only

[03:28] 20%.

[03:30] 23% for Gen Xers, 32% for Millennials

[03:34] such as myself. There is a famous Pew

[03:37] finding from a few years ago that found

[03:39] 2/3 of US men under 30 are single now,

[03:44] compared to only 1/3 of US women.

[03:48] All of these stats are questionable and

[03:51] have been questioned. Many Gen Z'ers

[03:54] don't do the whole boyfriend-girlfriend

[03:57] thing these days, from what I hear. And

[03:58] maybe their their situationships are

[04:01] less likely to be captured in these

[04:02] kinds of surveys. Gen Z'ers are

[04:05] certainly having way less sex than prior

[04:07] generations of young people. That is

[04:10] well established.

[04:12] The Institute for Family Studies reports

[04:14] that 1/4 of US adults under 30 have had

[04:18] zero sex in the last year. That is

[04:21] double what it was in 2010, not that

[04:25] long ago.

[04:26] Something is definitely going on here,

[04:28] and I will now turn to my purely

[04:30] anecdotal impressions. I got into a

[04:33] stupid internet fight the other day.

[04:36] It was in the comments on a video where

[04:38] a woman was pointing out that so many of

[04:40] the world's most desired men, the

[04:42] singers, the actors, the the pretty

[04:45] faces on the billboards, so many of the

[04:47] idols of hetero female desire are

[04:50] significantly under 6 ft tall.

[04:54] In the era of dating apps with filters,

[04:57] women are setting the height filter to a

[04:59] minimum of 6 ft, perhaps imagining 6 ft

[05:02] to be about average, when in fact, 6 ft

[05:05] is quite above average. US average adult

[05:09] male height is 5 ft 9 in.

[05:12] My height.

[05:14] Some [snorts] people comment on my

[05:15] height sometimes, and I find that odd,

[05:18] considering my height literally could

[05:20] not be any less remarkable. It is

[05:23] literally as normal as it gets.

[05:26] Anyway,

[05:27] >> [snorts]

[05:27] >> the woman in this video was basically

[05:29] saying, "Look, ladies, a true 6 ft is

[05:32] probably taller than what you are

[05:33] envisioning.

[05:35] A 5'8 guy might actually be tall enough

[05:38] for you. And if he is, lowering that

[05:41] filter a tick or two will enormously

[05:44] improve your odds of finding the man

[05:46] that you're looking for." Now, I did not

[05:48] get into a fight with the woman in the

[05:49] video. I got into a fight with a guy in

[05:52] the comments making the kind of

[05:54] simplistic evolutionary biology

[05:57] arguments that tend to be popular among

[05:59] the world's worst people.

[06:02] This guy was like,

[06:04] "Bullshit. Women are programmed to want

[06:07] big, tall protectors, and so the tall

[06:10] guys always end up getting all the

[06:12] women, and the women want the tall men

[06:14] so badly that many will settle for not

[06:17] being the only woman, and thus sex is a

[06:21] winner-take-all economy that leaves

[06:23] shorter men out in the cold unless they

[06:25] are rich."

[06:27] And I was like, "Dude, no.

[06:31] I mean, yeah, like a little, but

[06:35] the world is full of happy couples where

[06:38] the man is not much taller than the

[06:40] woman, or in many cases, he's shorter,

[06:42] and he is not always rich.

[06:44] Look at all of the totems of female

[06:47] desire mentioned in this video that

[06:49] we're both commenting on. Women love

[06:51] Jeremy Allen White and Michael B. Jordan

[06:53] and Tom Holland despite them all being

[06:55] under 6-ft and not just because they are

[06:58] rich."

[07:00] Yes, Michael B. Jordan is under 6-ft, no

[07:03] matter what his official bio says.

[07:05] Anyway,

[07:06] this guy shot back,

[07:08] "Have you seen the videos of women

[07:10] meeting Tom Holland for the first time

[07:12] and laughing because he's so much

[07:14] shorter than they were expecting?"

[07:18] And at that point, I felt that I had

[07:20] diagnosed the problem with this guy.

[07:23] This is a guy who pretty much only knows

[07:26] women from the internet and not from

[07:30] real life.

[07:32] Because here's how it works in real

[07:34] life, boys. Gather around and listen to

[07:38] old man Ragusea. Here's how it works in

[07:41] real life. In real life, you

[07:45] do things.

[07:48] You go places. You go to school where

[07:51] you meet lots of women about your age.

[07:54] You go to a study group at the library

[07:56] where you meet lots more women. You join

[07:58] a student organization. You join a band.

[08:01] You join a choir. Oh,

[08:03] the women I used to meet in choir

[08:06] practice.

[08:08] You get a job at a real physical place

[08:12] where you do real physical work with

[08:14] other physical people. Forget the dating

[08:17] app. Get a job at a restaurant, for

[08:19] God's sake.

[08:21] Between the front and back of house,

[08:23] restaurants tend to have a pretty

[08:25] balanced gender makeup, and it's a place

[08:28] that centers corporeal pleasure and

[08:31] alcohol and staying up late, and

[08:35] everybody is sleeping with everybody

[08:36] else at nearly any restaurant you go to.

[08:39] Working at a restaurant is like being in

[08:41] Fleetwood Mac.

[08:44] You get a job.

[08:46] You get involved. Join a political

[08:48] organization or a faith community or a

[08:51] fan community. Anything where people get

[08:54] together in physical meatspace and it's

[08:58] not just a sausage party.

[09:01] When you just live life out of the

[09:04] house,

[09:06] when you do interesting things with

[09:08] interesting people,

[09:11] chemicals will react

[09:13] often in unexpected ways.

[09:18] Back in my dating days,

[09:20] I had relationships with women who were

[09:22] taller than me, shorter than me,

[09:24] prettier than me, less pretty than me,

[09:27] all of that, because when you meet

[09:30] actual women, when you engage with them

[09:33] as something other than a potential sex

[09:35] partner, when you work with women, when

[09:38] you create things with women, when you

[09:40] go places with women, you learn things

[09:42] with women, you will find that a woman

[09:45] becomes interesting to you, not just

[09:48] because of how she looks, but because

[09:50] she is interesting.

[09:53] Because you are invested in her as a

[09:55] human being in her own right.

[09:59] And then that goes the other way, too.

[10:02] Yes, most people, most women, care about

[10:05] looks when seeking a partner, but that

[10:08] that doesn't mean looks are the only

[10:09] thing they care about. When you develop

[10:11] a sincere emotional bond with somebody

[10:14] by living life with that person, by

[10:16] doing things with them, that emotional

[10:19] connection can supersede a whole lot of

[10:21] other factors that people consider when

[10:23] choosing each other. This is my tip, the

[10:26] tip for young men looking for young

[10:29] women.

[10:31] Make friends with women.

[10:35] And not just so that you can hit on

[10:37] them, but because you need friends.

[10:40] Friends are good.

[10:42] Women make really good friends.

[10:44] And colleagues. And bandmates, or

[10:47] whatever.

[10:49] If you live an interesting, involved

[10:51] life with women,

[10:54] you will make

[10:56] pre-romantic connections with far more

[10:59] women than you could ever even have a

[11:01] relationship with. I was friends with so

[11:03] many women where we had an obvious spark

[11:06] between us, but we were never both

[11:09] single at the same time, you know, the

[11:11] stars never aligned, and so nothing ever

[11:13] happened. But the stars did align enough

[11:16] times.

[11:18] More than enough times, perhaps too many

[11:21] for my own good. Just be in community

[11:26] with women.

[11:28] And nature will take its course.

[11:31] As it has done for all prior

[11:34] generations.

[11:36] Uh you might say, "Well, what do you

[11:38] know, old man Ragusea? Nowadays,

[11:40] everybody meets on dating apps, and so

[11:43] flirting in real life is regarded as

[11:45] harassment."

[11:49] I mean, yes, the standards and practices

[11:52] of flirting have changed a lot over the

[11:54] last several generations, but one

[11:56] advantage of the female empowerment that

[11:58] you may decry is that most women feel

[12:01] perfectly comfortable making the first

[12:03] move these days, and so, generally

[12:05] speaking, you should let them.

[12:08] Let the connection blossom organically.

[12:11] Let it grow to the point where you both

[12:13] obviously know that something is going

[12:14] on, but you haven't quite acknowledged

[12:16] it yet, and let her be the one to first

[12:19] nudge her toe over that imaginary line

[12:21] between you. She lives in a world that

[12:24] is legitimately dangerous, so give her

[12:27] the safety of controlling that first

[12:30] move.

[12:32] And if she never does,

[12:34] do not blame the friend zone.

[12:38] There are guys who think that being

[12:40] friends with a woman will cause her to

[12:42] rule you out as a romantic partner.

[12:44] There is no evidence of such an effect.

[12:47] The far more likely explanation is that

[12:50] she would have ruled you out as a

[12:52] romantic partner no matter what. The

[12:54] fact that you are friends with her is

[12:57] incidental.

[12:59] Not everyone you like is going to like

[13:01] you back, and you have to be a big boy

[13:03] and deal with that.

[13:07] Is it harder now for young people today

[13:10] to be in physical community with each

[13:13] other to allow these chemical reactions

[13:16] to occur? Yeah, absolutely. It sucks. It

[13:20] sucks that we've lost so many third

[13:22] places, you know, a physical place that

[13:25] is neither home nor work where young

[13:27] people can just be

[13:30] together

[13:32] without necessarily having to buy

[13:34] something.

[13:36] It sucks that we've created an

[13:37] inherently atomizing, alienating built

[13:40] environment where we don't walk or take

[13:43] the train in close proximity to

[13:45] strangers anymore. You are in your

[13:48] automotive or your suburban pod safely

[13:51] quarantined from everybody else in the

[13:53] matrix. That sucks.

[13:55] It sucks that we walk around with

[13:57] addictive screens in our pockets that

[14:00] offer some of what you get from physical

[14:04] community, but not everything.

[14:06] The internet is like a diet of a of a

[14:10] seafarer of yore. It has enough calories

[14:14] and it seems like it should keep you

[14:16] alive, but it's actually lacking some

[14:18] crucial micronutrients that are not

[14:21] immediately obvious and eventually you

[14:22] will get scurvy and die.

[14:25] The internet is like that as a social

[14:28] food. It offers some of the substance of

[14:31] what you need, but not everything. And

[14:34] if you only get your social food on the

[14:37] internet, you will slowly get sicker and

[14:39] sicker

[14:41] even as you cram more and more of it

[14:43] into your face to compensate. It is

[14:45] simply lacking in certain key nutrients.

[14:49] I don't blame you, my young male

[14:52] audience, for the way that you struggle

[14:54] to find real community with lots of

[14:56] other people including women with whom

[14:59] you might connect even if you don't look

[15:01] compatible on a dating app.

[15:04] It's harder for you guys to meet people,

[15:06] but hard does not equal impossible. Ask

[15:10] any disabled or neurodivergent person

[15:13] about that.

[15:14] Improvise, adapt, and overcome.

[15:19] I I blame you guys when I see you

[15:22] talking about women as though they are

[15:24] animals acting purely on instinct as

[15:28] though they have no interests in men

[15:31] beyond what the ancient reptile part of

[15:33] their brain tells them to pursue.

[15:35] Hey, maybe you are projecting my guy.

[15:38] There are guys who want women as sex

[15:41] objects and as domestic servants who

[15:43] have no interest in women beyond any of

[15:46] that.

[15:47] Maybe the reason she doesn't like you is

[15:50] that she can tell that you don't like

[15:52] her.

[15:54] You aren't interested in her. You aren't

[15:56] curious about her.

[15:59] You're not invested in her success or

[16:01] self-actualization.

[16:03] You just want a nicely shaped body that

[16:05] folds laundry.

[16:08] Well, my guy,

[16:10] if you're a shallow

[16:12] then the only women who are really

[16:14] visible to you are also going to be

[16:17] shallow

[16:20] Maybe you deserve each other.

[16:23] The rest of us

[16:25] have never needed dating apps or even

[16:27] bars to meet. I met a woman in a bar one

[16:31] time and it did not prove to be a

[16:33] particularly good choice.

[16:36] Everyone else I ever got involved with I

[16:38] just met by existing in the world with

[16:41] women.

[16:43] By being in partnership with women and

[16:45] by caring about women beyond my own

[16:48] desire for them.

[16:52] Now, I will admit that despite my own

[16:55] neuro divergence and

[16:57] unremarkable physical attributes, I do

[17:00] have higher than average game with

[17:03] women. I've got good chat as the Brits

[17:06] would say. You might have a less

[17:09] intuitive sense of what women want from

[17:11] you when they're getting to know you.

[17:14] Well, here's a bonus tip for you.

[17:17] Get off the internet,

[17:19] pick up a god damned romance novel.

[17:23] There is this huge and rapidly growing

[17:26] industry that is mostly women writing

[17:30] stories for other women about what women

[17:33] want.

[17:35] It's a cheat code and it's waiting right

[17:38] there for you to learn it.

[17:41] Don't know which book to read? Go to

[17:43] your local romance book store.

[17:46] Even in a modest size city like

[17:49] Knoxville, Tennessee, we have multiple

[17:51] such establishments at this point

[17:52] including Good Girl Books, which my wife

[17:56] of 19 years, Lauren Moral, co-owns with

[17:58] her friend Rayanne. Their favorite kind

[18:01] of customer there is the clueless dude

[18:04] who shows up and says, "Oh, I'm not sure

[18:06] what I should get.

[18:08] Can you help me? I'm kind of awkward."

[18:11] They love that guy because his very

[18:14] presence in a romance book store

[18:16] indicates that he is interested in the

[18:19] inner lives of women.

[18:21] If you want people to be interested in

[18:23] you,

[18:24] you generally got to show some interest

[18:26] in them.

[18:28] Be in community with women in real life.

[18:33] Eventually,

[18:34] one of them will probably look past your

[18:37] superficial shortcomings and perhaps you

[18:39] will learn to do the same.

[18:43] Now,

[18:45] stop watching YouTube and

[18:47] join a choir. Swear to you guys. Choir.